Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I or is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

122 replies

Toonz · 07/05/2009 18:33

I am posting this on my girlfriends account. she knows i am posting this as we are looking for opinions but she insists she is in the right and I would like other womens opinions.

We live together and have 3 children between us, i have a daughter to ex wife and she has two children to her ex. all 3 children live with us.

She gets maintanance for her two children. I don't get any for mine because I don't think its worth the hassle and fall out of chasing her up for it and she's not working anyway.

My girlfriend keeps all her maintanance seperate from the household income. This was fine at first because she was saving it all to pay for a holiday she had already booked for her and her children before they moved in here. So her using the maintatance saved us from having to pay for it out of household money.

But she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income. We don't struggle as we are but it would certainly come in handy. I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income.

My girlfriend says I should claim maintanance off my ex but I dont see the point when it would just cause bad feeling, arguments and rows and we wouldnt get much anyway because shes not working.

Is she been unreasonable keeping it all for her and the kids or should she include it in household income?

She will also be reading any replies. Thanks
john

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 07/05/2009 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twims · 07/05/2009 18:36

The money is for her children - I think she is right to spend a proportion on clubs/shoes etc of the children, and also to put some in savings but I think she should put a token amount in the household budget - ie 10% as they are using the utilities etc.

bellavita · 07/05/2009 18:37

I am with Reality on this.

namebacon · 07/05/2009 18:37

Let me make sure I understand you correctly.

Your girlfriend goes to the shops and buys clothes and shoes for her children but doesn't buy anything for your child - is that what your saying.

and

When you say your girfriend is saving money for a rainy day, are those savings in joint names or her name only.

Plus, how old are all the children.

morningpaper · 07/05/2009 18:37

It sounds fairly reasonable, but I think it depends on whether you are both working / household income / how much the maintenance is in proportion to that. I woudl also be annoyed with the "rainy day" explanation - if she's putting it into savings for the children, then fine, but if it's REALLY for her, then that's not on IMO. Perhaps she could put half into household income, and save the other half into an account for the children?

lljkk · 07/05/2009 18:37

I don't think there's an obvious right or wrong. It's up to you two to figure out how committed you are to each other, and how much you want to merge your finances.

You could set up a separate account out of your income, just for special things for your dd which seems a bit daft and silly but I realise it would just be done to make things seem fairer to her.

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/05/2009 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 07/05/2009 18:39

He said she doesn't work tmmj - what would be the point?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 07/05/2009 18:40

Is your girlfriend working? Who pays for food, bills, rent/mortgage etc? I think it is only fair that some of the maintenance at least goes towards the cost of feeding and clothing the children.

unfitmother · 07/05/2009 18:40

It depends, are you just house sharers or do you consider yourself a family?

If you just share a house and bed then she can do what she likes.If you're a family shouldn't you share everything?

what do you do with your salaries/other income?

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/05/2009 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 07/05/2009 18:41

i agree with twims

Metatron · 07/05/2009 18:42

Didn't we have the other side of this recently?

I have no idea btw, I think you need to look at the whole financial picture.

BradfordMum · 07/05/2009 18:42

I think this could be remedied if YOU began to claim maintenance for your child.
That would put you in an equal position.
As it is, you're wanting her to share her money, but you're not sharing anything with her.

lizandlulu · 07/05/2009 18:42

all the money should be 'family money', she is creating a divide between the childres imo

fuzzywuzzy · 07/05/2009 18:43

This sounds like an old thread I'm sure I've read it before.

Do you spend on the kids clothes, does she contribute anything at all to the household income? If she doesn't I assume she's the primary carer of the children and thats her contribution. Is all your other income jointly accessable?

At a guess I would hazard after buying essentials for her children your dp prolly does not have much money left over anyway, what's wrong in her having a small savings pot for the children?

Twims · 07/05/2009 18:43

I like you fivegomad

bellavita · 07/05/2009 18:44

Yes, I thought it sounded familiar..

mayorquimby · 07/05/2009 18:46

why is it a case of "my money" and "her money" and not "our money"
do you pool the rest of your income and only keep maintenance seperate?

nkf · 07/05/2009 18:46

I think that if I were in that situation, I would try to see things as us having three children. I suspect she feel annoyed about your ex not contributing.

As to the rainy day argument, I'm all for saving and (whisper) rather approve of women having walk away money. But your daughter having to wait for things while the other two get things immediately seems unfair to me. Is she worried her ex would try to reduce the amount if she spent money on your daughter?

lou33 · 07/05/2009 18:46

i think you should claim maintenance, it's causing bad feeling already, just not between you and your ex

but i do think your dp should be giving some towards the household if you are living as a family

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/05/2009 18:46

I would hate to be her ex and know that my cash was being spent on another child ... his responsibility is to make sure that maintenance he pays goes to his kids ... not yours ...

Sorry!

mumblechum · 07/05/2009 18:47

Her children's dad is paying money for those children. Your girlfriend is quite rightly spending it on those children and saving part of it.

Sorry but I don't think you have any grounds for complaint.

Kayzr · 07/05/2009 18:48

I can see both sides too.

If she is saving for things such as emergancy stuff e.g. washing machine breaking or for things such as a family day to a theme park etc. Then fair enough, but I would be wondering about my relationship if I thought my DH was saving up incase we split up.

But maybe if she paid a small amount towards food etc from it that would be a good comprimise.

I do think your ex should pay maintenance.

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 18:49

You say she moved in with you, so I take it the house is yours? Or are you renting? Does she contribute to rent/mortgage? How about bills? Do you split it in 5 equal shares and let her pay 3 parts and you 2 parts, as she and her dcs are 3 people and you and your dd are 2 people?

How do you work this out?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5