Am I or is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

[Toonz]

I am posting this on my girlfriends account. she knows i am posting this as we are looking for opinions but she insists she is in the right and I would like other womens opinions.

We live together and have 3 children between us, i have a daughter to ex wife and she has two children to her ex. all 3 children live with us.

She gets maintanance for her two children. I don't get any for mine because I don't think its worth the hassle and fall out of chasing her up for it and she's not working anyway.

My girlfriend keeps all her maintanance seperate from the household income. This was fine at first because she was saving it all to pay for a holiday she had already booked for her and her children before they moved in here. So her using the maintatance saved us from having to pay for it out of household money.

But she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income. We don't struggle as we are but it would certainly come in handy. I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income.

My girlfriend says I should claim maintanance off my ex but I dont see the point when it would just cause bad feeling, arguments and rows and we wouldnt get much anyway because shes not working.

Is she been unreasonable keeping it all for her and the kids or should she include it in household income?

She will also be reading any replies. Thanks
john

DH and I are in a very similar situation household wise, but we have DSD in a joint residency, so no one pays anyone any maintenance for her IYSWIM. I get maintenance for my 2 DDs from my ex.

In our particular circumstances, DH earns around 4x what I do, all our income, wages, tax credits, CB for my DDs, maintenance for my DDs goes into our family pot, and we use all of it to pay for whatever needs to be paid for, rent, bills, food, treats, clothing etc etc.

I wouldn't dream of keeping any money I get for my DDs separate, but then every household runs it's finances differently.

Sorry, probably no help whatsoever, but what I am trying to say is that if all your other incomes are shared, then this should be too, if you both pay for things separately from your own incomes then maybe not.

Also, if your ex is not working, there seems very little point in trying to claim maintenance for your DD from her, I think the max you get from an unemployed parent via the CSA is £5 per week?

Think its a bit unfair that her DC get loads of new bits and your DD is not, its not really fair, even if you apply for maintence off your DD mother, because she doesnt work, think its only a £5 a week yourll get

Couldnt you both agree to take a little out of the household budget each week to get your daughter the same amount of clothing, etc etc as the other 2

Its a bit horrible buying 2 kids in the house something, while leaving one out

It would be a bit like giving three children out of five a packet of sweets and leaving two out
And tbh you both choose to accept each other children when you got together, would that not mean treating them all equally?

Sounds complicated but not nice on the DD who isn't getting stuff.

Agree that if you're living as a family, then all/most money should go in one household pot. No probs with both of you having a small separate account or agreeing an amount to save for each of the 3 kids but even if you got £5 a month for your DD then that probably wouldn't be equal anyway and you're back in the same position.

Maybe you could save an amount for your DDs stuff (out of your income) and she does the same for hers (either her income or maintenance). Then you both use this equal amount to buy stuff for them. That might mean that some of her maintenance payment then needs to go towards the household bills (as you're now putting some of your money towards your DD) but as the kids require the rent/mortgage/bills etc to be paid, then this seems reasonable.

Good luck.

Sorry, should be £5 a week for your DD!!! Although won't go much further than £5 a month

Ask your partner, does she not even feel remotely bad when she comes back with a new top etc etc for her 2, and not for your 1? even if it meant taking a little bit of money out of the household pot, just so it is fair

And then all the DC"s will feel equal?

Why should her kid's father pay for you and your kid? It's this sort of attitude that makes nonresident parents not want to pay for their kids. The money is for his kids, not you and yours.
Different if she expects you to pool all your salary, but even then I do think CSA money is different.

Yes, it is her money for her children and should be spent/saved on them

however now that you are a family you and your girlfriend need to work hard to make sure that all of the children in the house get the same amount. You, as the adults need to do extra work so no child suffers.

It is your joint responsibility to make that happen - she can put the extra aside that's fine but then you both have to cut back on adult spending to make sure that all children are treated the same.

Wellall of you who think it is her money paid by her ex for his children; is it then fair for the OP to say that his salary is his money and should be used for his child? If he is pooling his salary towards their household then she is being very unreasonable.

Who is paying for the girlfriend's children's food, lighting, gas, school uniform? If the OP is feeding and keeping them and the girlfriend just spends the maintenance on "treat" stuff and keeps the rest that is completely out of order.

do you share all the household bills?

it really depends on how much of a family you consider yourselves.

IMO you should both pay the same or an agreed amount of the bills. you could open a joint account and set up a standing order from both your accounts to go on payday of every month so that the right amount to cover all household bills is in that account. and thats what the bills gets paid out of.

i think your partner should be entitled to save money for her children for a rainy day. it will be handy for things like school trips etc.

i do think you should be requesting maintenance of your exp as she has a responsibility to your dd. if you choose to you could save that money for her so she can use it herself when she is older, as you said, you arent exactly struggling, so you wouldnt be missing it if you did this.

alternatively you could put all the money into one account and save the same amount for each child into their own savings account, that way if one gets a treat, then theres money for the others to get one aswell.

your girlfriends exp pays that money for his childrens upkeep, not so that your daughter can feel equal. it is a set amount that is expected to provide sufficient food, heating, clothing and shelter for two children. if this is what your girlfriend is spending it on then i dont think she is doing anything wrong and if she has enough to save for them then all the better for them.

you both need to sit down together and decidehow exactly you are going to allocate family money. my own opinion is that if you are both paying equal amounts of the bills then any other money is your own to spend or save. when you agreed to move in together i imagine you agree to share respnsibility for the children, ie; as if they are all your own. admittedley, two children will use more electric and more food than one but for me that would be accepted before i agreed to move in with someone.

this is all just my opinion and what suits you may be completely different.

i hope you get this sorted because i hate arguing with OH over money. there are more inportant things but i know money is a tough one.

Agree we need more detail on the household finances to really see what's going on here.

Depends on who works. Maintenance is also for food/electricity/household as well as clothes, so if OP works and GF doesn't, she IBU. In fact, if OP's GF works PT, she is still BU as the maintenance should go in the family pot towards general living costs and when the kids (any of them) need stuff, it should come out of the family pot. In fact, the OP INBU, ALL income should go in the family pot and all kids should be treated equally. They can each have a savings account (parents, not kids) if that's what she wants and put an equal amount in each month, from what's left over. I don't understand this really, either they are a family unit, or not.

I tihnk YABU, as it is maintainance for her two children, from their father, and it is going towards expenses for those two children. Perhaps you should work out how much of this maintainance is left once essentials like shoes clothes and club fees are paid, and savings made, and see if you can agree to allocate the same amount to your DD for extras, so they all have an equal amount for little extras?

I think it is very sensible of her to be saving some of it, especially in these times. Don;t begrudge her that, I'm sure if you found yourselves, as a family, in need of some emergency savings, she would happily use that money. Don;t assume it's incase she leaves.

But maintainence isn't just about material goods. Why shouldn't some of it go towards their household upkeep?

I agree with georgiemama too though.

And it would be unfair if all the children are not treated equally because of this situation. If you are living together as a family everyone needs to be treated fairly, otherwise you won't feel like a family unit. The three children need to feel like siblings, like equals.

Its not right that her 2 kids are being treated differently from yours. That is definetly unfair.

myredcardigan I agree, some of it should, but it really depends on how much there is. Presumably the child benefit all goes together towrads general household bills?

We don't know and the OP has disappeared (probably having a domestic with the girlfriend as we speak about how many posters do or don't agree with him).

Maintenance is for maintaining the children - food, clothes, electric, bills, treats, the lot (or a contribution to the lot) not just for fun stuff. If the OP's girlfriend is not contributing to the keep of her children she is being unreasonable.

I do love how many people see this money as entirely hers. Presumably they think the same about the OP's salary?

I'd probably do same in her position. I can understand why you don't want to chase for maintenance. Only real problem is that your DD seems to be getting a bum deal.
Can you agree to put same amounts into kids pots for clothes, clubs etc so it's fair to all kids in house (she puts in double what you put in)? If you can't afford the amount she can put in can she put in a little less, but save a little more?
I'm assuming you are both working and so both contributing to the household income that way.

Exactly my point, georgimama.

The children should be treated the same as much as possible if you are all living together and intend to keep it that way. Although she has the right to use the maintenance money for clothing and upkeep of her dc as it's from their father and for their benefit, for the sake of the merged household it might be a better idea to put all the maintenance into a separate account for their future and use the household income money you both make to support day to day.

Although I also get that the maintenance is meant to cover food, roof etc so perhaps a percentage could be given to the joint household pot for their part of that.

But imho the biggest part from the children's point of view would be to be seen to be treated the same. Behind the scenes is up to the OP and partner and how committed they are to staying together.

the maintenance is paid by the father who is not resident with his two children, to support them. You should not spend that money on your own child - however, a contribution from that money towards utility and household bills in proportion to the needs of the two children receiving maintenance is reasonable and appropriate.

As you are living together as a family, it is your job to ensure your dd has a fair crack of the whip in terms of money spent on her - but that doesn't mean you can expect your partners' ex to fund it. You have to find that money out of your own resources/from your own ex.

If your partner's ex were to discover some of the maintenance was spent on your child, he could go back to court to get the maintenance reduced by that amount.

Agree with Georgiemama. Household kitty is for the boring stuff, electricity, mortgage etc and the maintenance is supposed to go towards this. If the lucky couple can afford for this money to just go on luxuries for her 2 kids that's great, but not fair on the OPs DD.