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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

122 replies

Toonz · 07/05/2009 18:33

I am posting this on my girlfriends account. she knows i am posting this as we are looking for opinions but she insists she is in the right and I would like other womens opinions.

We live together and have 3 children between us, i have a daughter to ex wife and she has two children to her ex. all 3 children live with us.

She gets maintanance for her two children. I don't get any for mine because I don't think its worth the hassle and fall out of chasing her up for it and she's not working anyway.

My girlfriend keeps all her maintanance seperate from the household income. This was fine at first because she was saving it all to pay for a holiday she had already booked for her and her children before they moved in here. So her using the maintatance saved us from having to pay for it out of household money.

But she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income. We don't struggle as we are but it would certainly come in handy. I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income.

My girlfriend says I should claim maintanance off my ex but I dont see the point when it would just cause bad feeling, arguments and rows and we wouldnt get much anyway because shes not working.

Is she been unreasonable keeping it all for her and the kids or should she include it in household income?

She will also be reading any replies. Thanks
john

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 18:50

If you are living together as a family then actually I think she is being unreasonable.

But then I disagree with the whole concept of separate bank accounts. Family units should be one big pot as far as I'm concerned.

I think the hardest and dare I say it, selfish part of the whole thing is the spending money on her children. Strangely, if she was just putting it all away I wouldn't think it was so bad. But to use it to buy things of two of the three children is just unacceptable and very divisive. How are they ever to begin to feel like sisters if one is treated so differently?

So, my opinion (FWIW) is that if she must keep it out the pot then put it away or use it to treat all three children. Very unfair otherwise, a badexample to the children and no way to start a new and hopefully lasting relationship especially with her (effective) step-daughter.

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 18:50

But if she does not contribute to rent/mortgage, it could be argued that the maintenance money was used to help put a roof over her childrens head?

Where is the OP?

I hate it when the op just leaves and wont answer questions, it always makes me suspicious.

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 07/05/2009 18:50

YABU. You cant expect her to put it in the pot when you refuse to claim your entitlement. i agree with fleshwound also.

nickschick · 07/05/2009 18:54

I havent read the other answers but I think shes right,the money is from the childrens father to pay towards things for them - any extra support you get tax credits etc pay for their 'keep' so to speak.

YABU.

My friend has 3 children her ex pays her a set amount each month for their 2 dc - she had a baby to a man who basically deserted her and on checking her bank her ex dh had rounded the money up to the nearest £100 about £30 a month - she told him of his mistake- 'thats for the baby' he said 'if you need any help dont let him go without i will try and help you' that imo is a man with a big heart.

OrmIrian · 07/05/2009 18:54

Hmmm... need more information.

yappybluedog · 07/05/2009 18:54

hmm, it's money for her children, so it's only fair that it is spent on them

so sad to think that your daughter isn't being treated the same way though

I have no answers, sorry

Kayzr · 07/05/2009 18:55

nickschick, That is a very very nice ex your friend has.

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 18:56

But how many women on here have left crap or abusive relationships and started new ones with decent blokes. Imagine the sympathy such a poster would get on here if she posted that new bloke wouldn't share his money with her because she refused to claim maintenance from said waster? We'd all be saying that was unfair of him.

Maintenance is important but there are many reasons why single parents don't all claim it.

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 18:58

Ok,so what if the OP were to say, 'right, as there's 3 of you and only 2 of us,then you should pay more towards all the household bills.' Would that be acceptable?

atigercametotea · 07/05/2009 18:59

i am also definetely sure we had the girlfriend posting this same scenario a couple of weeks ago...

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 18:59

Should have added; the money isn't just to buy them new clothes. It's to contribute to food and shelter. So is the OP's OH doing this proportionately?

Blu · 07/05/2009 19:00

Didn't she post the question fom her pov a few weeks ago?

Anyway...

Do you both work / bring money into the household? Or, how does your household partnership work? Does one of you do the majority of childcare while the other earns money?

If she is buying clothes and shoes etc from the maintenance money, then in effect she is removing that expense from the shared household budget. So isn't it swings and roundabouts? You presumably buy your children's clothes etc either from your own 'kept separate' money, or form the shared household pot?

I think that either you put all the household money into one big shared pool and use it as needed, OR you keep your own finances separate, put enough each into a pot for household bills etc, and pay for your own children's needs.

It depends on how close your household is and whether you do intend to be together foever, perhaps.

But I don't think it is fair if you earn the househld mony, she uses that money to feed and clothes her children and them keeps the maintenance money - whcih is for feeding / clothing the children - as a separate private fund.

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 19:02

not under this nick, first time poster.

This, together with the fact that the op has not come back to his n' her thread, makes me think it might be a troll.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/05/2009 19:02

The absent mother should be contributing £5 a week, I think. However, the rest of it depends on whether the OP and his GF both work, how much each earns, who pays what childcare etc, we just don't have enough information to go on. But maintenance is not just for clothes and shoes, it's to help towards rent/mortgage, utility bills etc too, so is the GF paying her fair share of those?

MrsWeasley · 07/05/2009 19:04

I agree with Twims too.

Why should your GF's ex pay for things for your DD because you cant be bothered to claim maintenance yourself. If your DD lived with your ex, would she claim maintenance from you?

Sorry but IMHO gf is right on this one

ilovethesun · 07/05/2009 19:04

Shoe on the other foot. If you were contributing maintenance to your ex for your child would you be happy for her to have to split that with her current partner and his children?

Perhaps budget and plan so that whatever money is spent on her children is equal to the amount you can afford to spend on your child, then none of them are left out iykwim.

Also are you working? If your ex isn't working, yet you think about claiming maintenance from her it kind of suggests to me that you aren't working either. This sounds like a non issue to me to be honest. If you and your partner are both working then you should have a household pot and spend that money accordingly as a family.

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 19:05

But Mrsweasley, is it then fair for the OP to say why should he pay to feed her child or pay towards her upkeep?

Nighbynight · 07/05/2009 19:06

This is a difficult situation, but I think she should put it into the family pot, and that you should also claim maintenance from your ex, even if its only 5 pounds a week.

Her ex might say that he is being forced to subsidise her new relationship, but I dont think this is a valid argument, because its up to her to spend the money on giving her children the best life she believes that she can. Exactly how, shouldnt be specified.

morningpaper · 07/05/2009 19:06

Why should your GF's ex pay for things for your DD

Ermmm but I assume it is also for things like the children's FOOD and LODGINGS... Maintenance isn't just for ipods

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 19:07

Am I the lone dissenter here?

OrmIrian · 07/05/2009 19:07

More info needed includes:

Who is working? One or both.
Who pays the rent?

myredcardigan · 07/05/2009 19:08

Oh ok, MP!

ilovethesun · 07/05/2009 19:08

MP totally agree, but to me the OP doesn't make it sound like the maintenance is going on much else except that kind of thing. Unless it's a freaking shedload of maintenance as she still has enough to squirrel away.

Also OP she might have a bad history with men and saving up a nest egg is her own form of security blanket for her and her children?

stuffitlllama · 07/05/2009 19:10

agree with MP and myredcardigan

work out board and food money from the maintenance for her girls

the rest is for her two alone

junglist1 · 07/05/2009 19:12

If me and P split, and the DC's stayed with him, anything I paid would be for MY children, no way would I pay a penny to his new Ps children. Absolutely no way.