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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I or is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

122 replies

Toonz · 07/05/2009 18:33

I am posting this on my girlfriends account. she knows i am posting this as we are looking for opinions but she insists she is in the right and I would like other womens opinions.

We live together and have 3 children between us, i have a daughter to ex wife and she has two children to her ex. all 3 children live with us.

She gets maintanance for her two children. I don't get any for mine because I don't think its worth the hassle and fall out of chasing her up for it and she's not working anyway.

My girlfriend keeps all her maintanance seperate from the household income. This was fine at first because she was saving it all to pay for a holiday she had already booked for her and her children before they moved in here. So her using the maintatance saved us from having to pay for it out of household money.

But she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income. We don't struggle as we are but it would certainly come in handy. I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income.

My girlfriend says I should claim maintanance off my ex but I dont see the point when it would just cause bad feeling, arguments and rows and we wouldnt get much anyway because shes not working.

Is she been unreasonable keeping it all for her and the kids or should she include it in household income?

She will also be reading any replies. Thanks
john

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 07/05/2009 20:41

Def had this story before from the woman's point of view.

I'm loving the man who is giving money to his ex for her new baby with a tosser.

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/05/2009 20:42

The money actually belongs to the EX partner who has decided/forced to give some of his money over to her to ensure that his two children are brought up...

It would be moral for her to use some of those funds towards the housing and costs of raising her children ...

The OP's salary also belongs to him - the cheque at the end of the month would be made out to MR X not MR X's partner and whoever the hell he has decided to bed down with that night....!!

georgimama · 07/05/2009 20:44

This is exactly what the OP said:

"she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income."

I take it to mean that none of that maintenance money is going into the kitty for bills, food etc at all. It may be that his girlfriend has other money - CB, salary, that she is contributing to these things with, but his post suggests not. His beef appears to be that because he is paying for everything he doesn't have the money left over to treat his daughter the way his GF treats hers. It's not that he wants to spend the maintenance on his own child, it's that he wants her to make a fair contribution so he has some money left over.

georgimama · 07/05/2009 20:45

Can someone link to the earlier thread from the opposite POV?

hellymelly · 07/05/2009 20:48

I think she should be putting some of that money towards communal family things-bills and even outings etc.I also do think it is rather mean and unkind for some of the children in a family to be bought things and not others,irrespective of where the money comes from,or whose children they are,if they are together in a family then they should get the same things at the same time,or if and when they need them (as with shoes,say)one at a time.

Jux · 07/05/2009 21:06

You're a family. Your 3 children are the responsibility of both of you. I think she's utterly utterly wrong.

MatthewBellamysMuse · 07/05/2009 21:21

You should all share all household income if you are a family. End of.

Onestonetogo · 07/05/2009 21:21

Message withdrawn

Surfermum · 07/05/2009 21:26

The other thread isn't any more help.

I'm finding it hard to comment without knowing how all the family finances are worked out, but I do think all 3 children should be treated the same however that is managed. My dsd is acutely aware of exactly what dd gets and is straight on our case if she feels something isn't fair! I'm quite sure the OPs dd will be too.

Dh pays maintenance for dsd (in fact I'm paying it for him as it comes from my wages as he's in the first year of a new business so effectively not earning yet). Her mum has 3 other children but I think dh is the only Dad who actually pays anything. I wouldn't expect her mum to separate that money specifically for dsd, I'd just expect it to go in the general pot and for her mum to use it as she sees fit. Blimey, what a nightmare that would be for her to sort out whose dad pays what and who gets what. We just hand it over and that's the end of it.

Hassled · 07/05/2009 21:30

If I was giving maintenance to my ex for our DCs, and he was spending that money on someone else's child I would be hopping mad.

It's not household income, it's for the ex's children. Why should he support your child? How can you want a stranger, your partner's ex, to support your child? Because that's effectively what you'd be doing. It's morally wrong.

And say one day you bugger off, or she does, or it all goes wrong for whatever sad reasons, how will her kids feel when they are doing without and discover the money the father has been giving them for their maintenance has been spent? She's quite right to have a rainy day pot, and sounds like a sensible woman.

tattifer · 07/05/2009 21:33

My two DDs are from a previous relationship. Their father gives me maintenance, it goes into my bank account. I work, so does my husband - we get the same wage. He gives me a monthly sum from his wage packet that goes into my bank - from which the bills, food, treats - everything gets paid. I said at the start I didn't expect him to pay for my kids and we divided the household costs roughly into thirds (he pays one third, I pay two).

I have to accept the reality that he cannot pay anymore because he has children to support from another marriage (and debts run up by psycho ex wife...). I realise that the situation is not the same as OP's - his kids don't live with us, but when they stay the house they stay in, the lights, the heating, the food, the furniture has all been paid for out of my account - because they join us as part of the family in our home. There are no dividing lines!

hmc · 07/05/2009 21:35

"I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income".

This is the crux of the matter. You are either a family or you are not. It's iniquitous that there is unequal treatment.

oldraver · 07/05/2009 21:39

The other thread the OP does say she has her own wages and they have a joint account

Jux · 07/05/2009 21:40

This is very reminiscent of Cinderella. Your child will grow up as the poor little one who never gets new clothes, and hers will be the Ugly Sisters.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 07/05/2009 21:53

Gosh Jux very good.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/05/2009 21:55

YABU - and YANBU.

The money is to be spent on the fathers children. However part of that is the cost of feeding them, electricity and so on.

If the father just paid for the clubs clothes etc and provided them to you rather than the cash to buy them you would not expect him to also buy stuff for your dd would you?

Personally I think that she should continue as is, she already pays into the family pot with her income the same as you. You do not provide extra money into the family pot in support for your daughter. IMO you should do this from your ex but that is another discussion.

However, I think that the money being saved for a rainy day should be saved for a family rainy day IYSWIM. I also think that your daughter should have the same as her sons, if that means it comes from the family pot then so be it. You cannot and should not give to one and not the other.

QueentessentialShadow · 07/05/2009 21:58

I think the important question to ask yourself is this:

Does your girlfriend even feel any warmth towards your daughter?

I find it quite incredible that a woman can go out and treat her own children, and leave a third child, YOUR child, out. I could not do that. I would spend "my" own salary money to even it out. Who cares if it is maintenance money? Really, it is just a name for it. It is just a convenient name that enables your girlfriend to treat your children differently.

I think it is callous. Not that she is not spending her maintenance money on your daughter, but that she think it is ok to go and buy treats for her own children and leave your daughter out. She gives her children preferential treatment. You cannot expect her to love your daughter as much as she loves her own daughter, but she would be expected to at least try treat them equal. If not out of love for your daughter, then out of love for you and out of compassion for another human being, a child. Your child.

This is why this thread saddens me so.

No relationship can ever be equal, and in my opinion loving, if the willingness to treat innocent children so differently surpasses the will to make an equal happy family.

Good Luck. You need it.

Remotew · 07/05/2009 21:59

She is not being unreasonable to spend the maintenance she gets on things for her children but your child should get the same new things/clubs out of the joint money at the same time. The children should all be treated equally. Hope that helps.

Snorbs · 07/05/2009 22:03

abouteve, I think that's a good approach.

I can understand why the OP doesn't bother claiming maintenance if the hassle and fall-out is going to be greater than the financial benefit. What about Child Benefit, though? Which pot does that go in to?

SerendipitousHarlot · 07/05/2009 22:06

Where is he then?

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/05/2009 22:08

As the OP hasn't come back and clarrified things, we are only going on his side of things and our assumptions ...

I know it has been posted as a AIBU but still ...

liahgen · 07/05/2009 22:09

I have my eldest 2 children from my 1st sham of a marriage. Ex, gives me £50 weekly, whenever he sees them, (which is few and far between, could be hundreds of pounds at a time) between them, £25 each child.

I put this money straight into my joint bank account with my dh. WE have 3 children together, making 5. all dc's get treated the same. money is for bringing dc's up, my dh takes care of that so money is put into household income.

Jux · 07/05/2009 22:18

This has made me very cross. I keep thinking of your little dd watching her new siblings getting new stuff while she doesn't. What that poor lamb must be feeling.

Do you earn more than your dp? You could refuse to contribute more than she does to the household and spend the extra on your dd and save it for a rainy day too. How do think she'd feel about that? Do try to make sure that whatever you get for your dd it is of infinitely better quality than anything the other two could have.

Your dp sounds horrible, sorry.

Judy1234 · 07/05/2009 22:30

It's difficult. The money is for the children. I have five and their father pays nothing and doesn't really see or help with them and I work full time so for me it's all very simple. I pay for everything and no man, an ex, a current man or anyone pays for anything. If I were paying child support it would be for my children and many many parents really really resent it being spent on a new lover, step children and the ilke as they are working their fingers to the bone and often living in a tiny bed sit to provide that cash for the chidlren. It is not to be saved up either. It should be going on housing, heating costs and all those other things those of us who work and support our chidlren alone as single parents spend it on.

It looks like she has moved into your place which may be an inequity in itself. It also means as you and she are not married that if you do split up she has no claims to maintenance from you and also would probably be homeless unless you have put the house in joint names so she is in a very vulnerable position by choosing to live together rather than marriage. One answer is to ensure the house is in joint names, all your money is in joint name or to get married.

flummery · 08/05/2009 02:49

A substantial proportion of the maintenance should be allocated towards overheads and living costs for your partner's daughters. Maintenance is not designed to buy treats and extras but to help meet the living costs of your child or children.

That would ease the pressure on the family budget meaning that you would be able to spend more on your daughter than at present which would ease the divide between the girls.

The rest of the maintenance could still be spent on clothes and treats and/or saving.

It's not that the maintenance should be spent on your daughter, it's that if it's not partially covering every day living costs then it's not being used properly and, as a family, you are paying a price for that.

You should also seek maintenance from your ex. It doesn't matter if it's not much, it's the principal. It may cause grief with your ex, but it would ease the conflict you're experiencing as a couple. Which one is more important?

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