Am I or is my girlfriend being unreasonable?

[Toonz]

I am posting this on my girlfriends account. she knows i am posting this as we are looking for opinions but she insists she is in the right and I would like other womens opinions.

We live together and have 3 children between us, i have a daughter to ex wife and she has two children to her ex. all 3 children live with us.

She gets maintanance for her two children. I don't get any for mine because I don't think its worth the hassle and fall out of chasing her up for it and she's not working anyway.

My girlfriend keeps all her maintanance seperate from the household income. This was fine at first because she was saving it all to pay for a holiday she had already booked for her and her children before they moved in here. So her using the maintatance saved us from having to pay for it out of household money.

But she's been on the holiday now and she still keeps it all to herself. She buys her children clothes, shoes and pays for their clubs out of it and then puts the rest in a savings account. When I ask what she's saving for she says "a rainy day" which I think basically means if we ever split up.

I think she should put the maintanance into household income. We don't struggle as we are but it would certainly come in handy. I also don't think its fair to my daughter when her children get new stuff all the time and my daughter has to wait until she can get stuff out of the household income.

My girlfriend says I should claim maintanance off my ex but I dont see the point when it would just cause bad feeling, arguments and rows and we wouldnt get much anyway because shes not working.

Is she been unreasonable keeping it all for her and the kids or should she include it in household income?

She will also be reading any replies. Thanks
john

By meet the living costs of your child I mean the child maintenance is paid for.

Also if there is some spare money from the maintenance then the other father who is probably living in poverty and paying it ought to be told and it given back to him. He might have 6 new children to support.

i feel sorry for your dd, she must feel like cinderella, with two step sisters and an evil step mother.

don't let your dd be brought up in a situation where she is left out all the time.

the money doesn't matter, when it comes to her mental wellbeing. she'll only blame you in the future for letting her grow up somewhere she made to feel unworthy.

I don't know about the maintenace for her kids, but you should absolutely be claiming maintenance from your ex for your DD.

I really think this might be a kind of trollery, a test to see if we react differently to the same scenario depending on who presents it.

I may be of an unpopular mold here, but my DH and I think separate money of any sort is terribly divisive. We share everything and both love that. We feel we are supporting each other, and it's nice tbh. Together in the world and all that
I don't have maintenance to consider, but I don't think it would be any different, from what I've heard, most maintenance doesn't actually cover the cost of children anyway.(that sounds awful)

If you actually read the op from the matching thread, the woman states that she receives maintenence, her partner then budgets for his child as well as hers out of that maintenence, regardless of the fact that she pays her salary into a joint account that his salary goe into as well.

I think the man is being unreasonable here.

The woman is using the maintenence for clothing, clubs, sundry expenses. She states nowhere that she is buying sweets and treats with it.

Her salary is going into the joint account, this is where all the bills would be paid from therefore she is paying for the upkeep for her children in terms of bills and food as well as paying towards the upkeep of his dd.

The man refuses to pursue maintenence in his own right but expects the woman to divide her childrens maintenence into three.

She has every right to put any remainder of the maintenence into savings as long as it is savings for the two children and not for her.

She is in effect paying more towards his dd than the man is as he clearly thinks that she should provide all clothes etc out of the maintenence as well as still paying bills etc out of her salary.

Who earns more money? If he earned more money would it be okay for him to take the extra money
he earns and spend it on clothes for his daughter. I think he is prob afriad to seek maintenence in case his ex wife then fights for custody. I can see both sides of this argument. However if you want to be a family I would pool all money together. Otherwise you are going to start arguing about who uses more electricity/ gas and every other household bill.

I am mostly in agreement with Xenia. However I do believe it could be saved if you are not in financial straits (neither you or your girlfriend have provided enough information re: your finances)

This, for you both, I believe, is more about the pyschology of your financial situation and less to do with the day today reality of affording to meet obligations/spend on treats.

With this in mind you could:

(A)
. Get married
. Ask your ex-wife to relinquish her Parental Rights and your girlfriend could then adopt your daughter (you ex pays no maintenance and your daughter already resides with you)
. Ensure your house is put in joint names
. Open joint bank accounts
. Pay all bills jointly
. Pursue your ex for maintenance

However I do not believe this is what you want to hear.

With that in mind:
(B)

. Have your girlfriends' ex-husband directly route all maintenance money in to a trust fund account for their daughters' to be handed over to them at a later date.

. Your girlfrind could route all maintenance monies in to a trust fund/savings account for the children to be available to them at a later date.

. Have your girlfriends ex-husband directly purchase all new clothes/pay for all their clubs himself.

I also agree with TrillainAstra re: trollery

But it's a good way to waste time clarify some thoughts before the school run

Someone who might really be in this situation may gain useful insights

ooooooo why does the strike through never work

You have to do it for each word separately, the gap between the words makes it not work.

like that

Oooo thanks

Great post anniemac

There is more to life than money. Pool it and use it for whatever is needed.

Well, I hope that she pays her fair share of all the household expenses from whatever source of income she has. After all, there are three of them, so they are using more food, energy, water etc than you and your daughter.Maybe if she pays her fair share, there would be more money available for you to spend on your DD? As for it not being fair for her xp to subsidise your child in anyway, that is probably fair as long as you are not subsidising his child in anyway either. Does she pay all the costs for her children or does any of your money help to provide for them in any way whatsoever? Because if that is the case, my opinion is that the maintainance should be regarded as family income.

It sounds from Idrank#s post that tehre is another thread the woman is posting on and the woman does put all her salary into the joint account and so is already paying for the housing, food etc for all 3 of the children already so therefore that changes things.

But I do think as I said above and anniemac says part of the answer comes with marriage,. Living together is not the same, not the same at all in law and may be this woman is just trying to protect herselpf particualr if her home is in her partner's and not her name, a very dangerous position to be in if you're unmarried.

I think personally that if he is not willing to pursue the maintenance (regardless of his ex's employment status), then he should not be attempting to divide up and claim the maintenance from her ex for her children. It seems a bit cheeky to say "oh I don't want to go through the hassle to equal things out by claiming maintenance for my own daughter myself, I'll just help myself to some of your children's maintenance instead." So what if his ex isn't working? Let her get a job then. Interesting how he feels that her ex should stump up for all 3 children (1 of which isn't his) but he doesn't have the balls to insist that his ex live up to her responsibilities.

I think he's playing the sympathy card here in putting forth a picture of his daughter going without while her sons live in the land of plenty. Somehow I doubt this is an accurate picture.

Xenia, how long did you stick the marriage after it stopped working?

I think the op and his partner must have split up!

This is about treating your 3 children similarly however you end up doing it. You just cannot have different living standards for your dcs living under the same roof. Imagine when they grow up to realize what's going on, what impact would it have?

I think you can have separate accounts and savings while still paying for all bills and children's expenses jointly.

Also her ex does not really have a say in how the maintenance money is spent no matter how bad he feels. He is ordered by court to give the amount, it is up to the mom to spend the way she sees fit. He can take her court and that's it. But in this case no one would take him seriously.

sorry i think she should add it to the pot. You no doubt pay for some of her childrens bits and pieces, eg food, electric house ect, but do you only give that to your kid? no. If you are together as a family, money is everyones nit just hers.
I also think its unfair that her kids get to get new clothes ect, when your dd has to wait, seems very unkind to me.