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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sis lets her dd's go to school scruffy?

61 replies

monkeypinkmonkey · 29/04/2009 09:42

AIBU to be pissed of at my sis for sending her dd's to school looking like scruffbags i.e. holes in tights (on legs), holes in summer dresses and dirty coats.
Whenever I mention it she always has an excuse ready that puts the dd's in frame... i.e. they never put their clothes away, their bedroom too messy to find things.
The point is her dd's 11 and 8 so I find it shocking that she tries to put blame on them. As a mum of pfb ds (3) I see it as my responisbilty to ensure he is tidy etc, but can girls this age be held responsible?? It just doesn't seem fair. I feel so sorry for them because as we know kids can be so cruel at school.
I know she has money issues but she finds money to buy other no essential items (garden stuff) when she could buy cheap replacements.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 29/04/2009 09:45

I feel sorry for those children - they are old enough to notice and feel bad about it.

It was like that for me when I was at school. It was horrid.

iheartdusty · 29/04/2009 09:53

i think it depends whether the girls worry about it or not.

My DD (7) insists on wearing clothes with spills, tears etc - if I point them out and suggest they need to be washed, she says it doesn't matter. I consider that to be her choice, up to a point.

It also depends on the dirt - a few mud splashes, a few smudges of paint - not a problem - but grime from weeks of wear without a wash - not a good look.

Tights get holey very fast and it would cost a lot to keep replacing them. Who darns tights these days?

cory · 29/04/2009 10:01

I think an 11yo is absolutely old enough to be responsible for getting herself dressed and tidy. Though naturally not for replacing clothes unless she has a large enough allowance. Wouldn't dream of supervising my 12yo or ensuring she is tidy, though I often help her fetch things in the morning as she is disabled and often in pain. She is old enough to keep her room tidy too, really not my job any more.

When I was that age, my parents had often left for work by the time I left for school, so I had to be responsible.

My 8yo is a right scruff bag and mildly disabled, so I still supervise him to some extent in the mornings; otherwise I think he could do himself too.

savoycabbage · 29/04/2009 10:02

I remember on Child of our Time when they all started school and Robert Winston asked what was the most important thing that you could do for your child before school. And it was appearance. I wish I could remember more about it now. It was about how judgemental children are.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 29/04/2009 10:02

Mine are 8 and i expect them to bring their dirty washing down and put it by the machine twice a week.
The rule is if it doesn't get put by the machine it won't get washed, so yes, on occasion they will have gone to school with a dirty coat etc.

Holes in socks/tights, well, they tend to throw on the first pair they come to in the mornings and i've arrived at the childminders/school gates onna few occasions to suddenly realise that one of them has a holey pair of socks or tights on. I do think that at that age they are old enough to be able to tell you if they need tights/socks.

I think it depends on whether or not the girls are fussed tbh. If they are constantly telling their mum and she is ignoring it then YANBU although slightly judgey.
If they are all relaxed about it the YABU.

LeonieSoSleepy · 29/04/2009 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 10:06

YANBU. It is important to teach children to take care of their appearance, and when they are 11 and 8 they are very much under the influence of their parents.

meltedmarsbars · 29/04/2009 10:11

Mine start off reasonably clean - but I cannot stop those white school shirts from going greyer and greyer with each wash. And by the time they have fallen over twice on the way to school....

Mine are 6, 8, 10. We live in a muddy place.

The 6-yo is severely disabled and dribbles on everything so it is all grey by 9am.

Unfit mother that I am...

I'd rather worry about something else.

nickschick · 29/04/2009 10:12

YANBU ....the head teacher at ds1 secondary school commented on how immaculte ds1 always looks and the pride he has in his appearance - dh said thats not him its his mum!!!.

Ds2 is a dirt magnet he is a filthy scruffy urchin who i quite honestly have to boilwash him and his clothes each evening

I wasnt very smart or clean at school (not my fault ) and im sure it held me back I owe it to my children to make sure they are clean and smart and yes i do sew all tiny holes and polish and clean all shoes.

Original poster

monkeypinkmonkey · 29/04/2009 10:16

IDrank I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I can deal with it if they don't mind. Being honest I think it's prob more my issue because the whole family seem ok. with it. I just worry that my nieces are embarassed. It just frustrates me that my sis is like this.

OP posts:

notsoteenagemum · 29/04/2009 10:27

I agree with what's been said, it depends on the girls opinions really.
Are they clean under the clothes, I would be more concerned if they looked unbathed and had dirty clothes.
I have a feeling you might be a bit unreasonable and have very different standards to your sis.
I think 11 & 8 is old enough to take some responsibility for their own appearance and room tidying.

Tights are a pita, my dd goes through dozens and I have sent her to school with small nail-varnished holes.

Coats are hard to wash imo if you only have one as it's needed almost everyday and they are slow to dry.

On her first day at Juniors dd did a handstand on the field and kicked mud up the back of her brand new £10 school polo shirt. It never came out properly, but she had to wear it because I wasn't going to buy another one, it was one of two and now (after a year) it's been relegated to her pe kit.

DuffyFluckling · 29/04/2009 10:29

Some people are natural scruffs though. Even in a clean dress with washed and brushed hair my daughter is a scruffy little urchin who could't hope to compete in neatness stakes with some of the immaculate children at school.

Lancelottie · 29/04/2009 10:31

Tee hee...
just wondering how many of us clicked on this thread to see whether we WERE your sister?

chipmonkey · 29/04/2009 10:44

Ds1 and ds2 sometimes go to school looking scruffy but it is mainly because I also have ds3 and ds4 who are toddler age to get out in the mornings before I go to work. Ds1 and ds2 are dreadful for not putting clothes in the laundry, losing socks, getting coats muddy and then hiding them so I do sympathise with your sis a bit! I know it is also my job to organise them but it is an uphill struggle if they won't co-operate. Ds2 is improving but I pity the woman who ends up with ds1!

Kewcumber · 29/04/2009 10:50

you can't be my sister as I don;t have DD's.

Don;t get so worked up about it - at 11 and 8 if they have an issue about it they ought to be able to do something about it.

FrankMustard · 29/04/2009 10:52

YANBU - I think it's important to send your dcs to school looking smart, clean and without holes in clothes.

GooseyLoosey · 29/04/2009 10:53

I go out to work before the dcs are up, so dh ensures that they are dressed and ready for school.

They always have clean clothes - but certain stains do not come out of white polo shirts so they may not always look clean.

I do sew holes when I realise they are there, but as ds comes home with his own school jumper (as opposed to someone elses) only about twice a week, this can take a while.

Dd hates dh brushing her hair and is only 4 so her efforts are often not that great.

What I am trying to say is that my children often look a little scruffy. They don't care, I don't care and until they do, I don't want to know anyone who judges us.

OrmIrian · 29/04/2009 10:58

Well I provide clean clothes for my DC. It's up to them to ensure they put them on and don't get them dirty before they leave. Not the 6yr old as yet though. I have to admit their coats might be dirty sometimes - they only have one for school so if it gets dirty and they need it for school I probably wouldn't wash it until the weekend.

TBH my 2 youngest DC (10 and 6) wouldn't give a flying cuss what they look like at school.

Guadalupe · 29/04/2009 11:09

My dd gets so many holes in her tights that sometimes she goes to school with a hole in her tights. I am forever sewing up/buying new ones and I get fed up of it.

Only a small one though, I wouldn't send her in with the great gaping gashes that she sometimes comes out with, and she is otherwise presentable.

tiggerlovestobounce · 29/04/2009 11:14

Savoycabbage - I remember that programme too. Being neatly presented seemed to be one of the key things in determining if children are popular or not.

Lancelottie · 29/04/2009 11:18

Really? Gosh. Must check eyesight of gregarious offspring's classmates.

pranma · 29/04/2009 11:20

I think the really important thing is personal hygiene.Smelly kids are more likely to be bullied than scruffy ones imho[ex sec teacher]

Ivegotaheadache · 29/04/2009 11:24

My girls are very aware of how they look tbh I wish they weren't as I think they are too young (9 adn 8), but they seem to naturally be like that I don't place emphasis on the latest trends but whenever we go anywhere it's like a fashion show and they moan that they don't want to wear this and that and I'm moaning at them just to put anything on.

Anyway, it's up to me to make sure that they are clean and their clothes are washed.
If I didn't wash their school uniform they woud have no choice but to put it on dirty.

My girls rooms are a state adn I wade in there every so often and try and sort it out and I'm forever telling them to tidy it up as I think they are old enough to do that, but I don't see it as being up to them to make sure their clothes are clean and washed and ironed for them to go to school in. That's my job.
And I do feel sorry for your nieces, if they don't like to go to school like that they will feel it and I just hope other kids don't notice and make them feel bad for it.

On the other hand if they like to look like that, then I suppose it's up to them (though even if my dc's liked to look like that I woud still wash their clothes and make sure what they do put on is clean adn respectable)

jeee · 29/04/2009 11:27

My children have clean clothes everyday, and my DS is still the scruffiest boy in the school (think Just William)

Juxal · 29/04/2009 11:32

The girls are quite old enough to look after their own clothes. If they really didn't want to wear tights with holes they would tell their mum.

My dd is 9, and was completely uncaring about the odd splash/drip, hole etc; dh and I had to keep a check on that sort of thing, but I wasn't too worried about it. So long as her clothes got washed regularly that was fine.

Now she has completely changed and is driving me mad!

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

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