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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sis lets her dd's go to school scruffy?

61 replies

monkeypinkmonkey · 29/04/2009 09:42

AIBU to be pissed of at my sis for sending her dd's to school looking like scruffbags i.e. holes in tights (on legs), holes in summer dresses and dirty coats.
Whenever I mention it she always has an excuse ready that puts the dd's in frame... i.e. they never put their clothes away, their bedroom too messy to find things.
The point is her dd's 11 and 8 so I find it shocking that she tries to put blame on them. As a mum of pfb ds (3) I see it as my responisbilty to ensure he is tidy etc, but can girls this age be held responsible?? It just doesn't seem fair. I feel so sorry for them because as we know kids can be so cruel at school.
I know she has money issues but she finds money to buy other no essential items (garden stuff) when she could buy cheap replacements.

OP posts:

cory · 29/04/2009 11:34

my ds is another one of the Outlaws and he is still very popular at school

duchesse · 29/04/2009 11:38

Oh dear goodness, if her daughters are not bothered by it, and they are not having problems at school because of it, and their clothes are on the whole clean (and they are clean), I really don't see the problem. If they are bothered by it, they would surely ask their mum, who could use it as an opportunity to teach them how to sew and darn. Why encourage little girls to be obsessed with their appearance too young? Maybe their clothes are torn because they like climbing trees or running around? Do you think that should be discouraged as well?

madwomanintheattic · 29/04/2009 11:40

oh, thank goodness it's not me.

like meltedmarsbars my dd2 (5) drools and is soggy and unkempt by the time we hit school. to be honest she has clean uniform at 8am and is minging by 9. dd1 is 9 and i am just trying the 'i am no longer fishing uniform off your floor, you have to put it in the laundry bin or it won't get cleaned and ironed', (she sounds like your sis's dd tbh - life's too short to spend it on my hands and knees tidying a 9yo's room) ds1 spends the time between dressed and leaving sprawled all over the floor, it's a miracle we even get to school, let alone arrive immaculate. i have to try and remember to plait dd2's hair or it sticks on her face. yuk. by home time, she is generally covered in lunch and paint, and there's not a lot of white polo shirt to be seen, but she's grinning.

coats? honestly, i have lost count of the number of times i have got to the school gate and taken a look at their jackets and thought 'omw, i must get that in the wash' and then forgotten again until the same time next day.

i'd love to be perfect lol, but it's as much as i can do to keep up with life, really. my kids are clean and clothed (beneath the drool and grimy coat cuffs) and they're happy. it's good enough for me. i can't be saying 'ooh, don't do that, you might get dirty'.

i'd rather they remember rolling on the school field and picking daisys than being anxious about getting grubby.

OrmIrian · 29/04/2009 12:04

Where are these classrooms full of appearance-obsessed children? IME If a child is popular, good-natured and friendly it makes the the slightest bit of difference how scruffy he or she is. Certainly not at primary school. Being overweight or smelly might, but not the state of their uniform.

Guadalupe · 29/04/2009 12:26

The most popular girl in dd's class is without doubt the scruffiest. She always has holey trainers, slightly grubby clothes and greasy hair but she just has an air about her. All the girls fight to be her friend.

madwomanintheattic · 29/04/2009 12:42

guadalupe that's fab - a sort of girly james dean for the norties all we need now are hordes of prefectly presented little boys (ask the OP if you can borrow hers) to fawn around. it'll be great!

Guadalupe · 29/04/2009 12:48

Yes, except she has just had her ears piecerd and we have heard of nothing else over dinner apart from how marvellous these studs are and how unfair it is that dd has to wait and so on.

madwomanintheattic · 29/04/2009 13:51

lol. weirdly we had exactly the same convo yesterday. we have negotiated to hold out until 11th birthday
she is still holding out for 10th...

katiestar · 29/04/2009 18:36

I really can't see what business it is of yours.Also why do so many people want to instill in their children the idea that appearnce is so immportant.I tell mine the opposite- don't judge a book by its cover!

JeanPoole · 30/04/2009 00:47

i remember that child of our time thing,
was shocked kids judge each other so much on looks

Original poster

monkeypinkmonkey · 30/04/2009 07:51

Thanks for everyones feedback, I feel a bit better about it now I know that my nieces prob are in the majority when they go to school.

OP posts:

sleeplessinstretford · 30/04/2009 08:41

My eldest daughter (15) spends literally HOURS doing her hair and makeup in the morning (for school-it's an all girls convent ffs)and then puts on holey socks/scuffed shoes etc etc. I am aware that the this look is practiced although she's always been like that.Even as a little kid it didn't matter what she had she'd always manage to make it look crap,the baby is utterly minging in terms of hygiene-we clean her-she messes herself up within minutes-and with her hair so curly if daddy does it for her it's just a mass of frizz as he brushes the curls and they seperate...
My sister (the one i don't like) seems to enjoy her kids looking really scruffy.She cuts their hair (lopsided) so badly that every time she does it we're not sure if one of the kids has had a go themselves...She gets passed on really,really lovely clothes yet her kids look like a walking jumble sale all the time-I think she thinks it looks 'boden and slightly boho' it actually looks 'neglectful and tatty' even my mother says 'what the hell did she have the kids dressed in today' there's no reason for it at all so one must assume she thinks it looks ok.
FWIW little kids don't really notice-when they get to secondary school they are old enough to a) sort their own stuff out and b) care about it themselves.

ABetaDad · 30/04/2009 08:57

I am shocked by how parents at our DSs school Prep school send their kids to school in obviously dirty clothes and obviously without having had a shower or a hair brush.

These are well off parents often driving big shiney cars so no excuses - its just neglect and laziness in my view.

Our DSs never go to school without clean clothes, a shower and hair brush. They cannot do it for themselves as they are 7 and 9. They need to be supervised. We also check through all their sports kit and equipment about twice a week to make sure they have everything.

We put their clothes out for them the night before, they get a shower. They dress themselves in th emoring, brush their teeth and brush their hair.

It is pretty obvious to me that kids are also coming to school without breakfast too -which also shocks me.

Takver · 30/04/2009 09:27

Some children are naturally neat & immaculate . . . others are not.

My 7 yo dd could easily be Just William reincarnated as a girl - her clothes are generally covered in hay, mud & often holey - she doesn't care, and she doesn't understand why anyone else would care. I do try to get her to school looking neat, but it doesn't stay that way for long.

TBH I'm happy that she loves to play outside, run & climb - I wouldn't swap that for any amount of scrubbed & showered perfection!

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 09:31

"I remember on Child of our Time when they all started school and Robert Winston asked what was the most important thing that you could do for your child before school. And it was appearance."

What a load of bollocks. Happiness and confidence are far more essential skills in a school child. And I speak as someone who was the only girl with a fringe neatly cut into sideburns in 1985.

mumbee · 30/04/2009 09:35

Mine are fairly clean hate white polo shirts that turn grey so bought ds blue one for this school year. Dd's white blouses are boiled washed every week and come up spotless everytime they are cleaning brush and scrubbed for the day though dd's hair is very flyaway and can look messy by the time we get to school (have to walk).

Dc have to change tops everyday, managed so far no holes and avoid the tights buy getting trousers for school.

As to everyone else does annoy me if they smell but have decide early on to put up with it not my place to worry about it.

JeanPoole · 30/04/2009 09:45

mp, actually when that robert winston said that, i was shocked because i thought he knew children better than that.
i really don't think that can be true.
but he does seem like a real expert on kids

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 09:49

I think he likes appearances though

I notice he very much likes the appearance of Saint Tanya of Byron....

Doodle2U · 30/04/2009 09:50

The Child of Our Time message isn't quite right there. He said the most important thing we can do/teach our children about school is "to work hard".

I tell mine that school isn't a 'play area' and whilst I expect them to enjoy it and have fun there, they are still there to do their very best when it's time for school work.

morningpaper · 30/04/2009 09:50

If that was also based on "how judgmental children are" then surely that means you should also give in to buying the latest trainers/whatever.

As long as they don't actually STINK and are vaguely presentable.

edam · 30/04/2009 10:04

Ah, that's reminded me I really must mend the tear in ds's coat sleeve. And stick the coat in the wash when I've done it. Oops.

He does have clean and tidy (i.e. not torn) clothes every day but coat takes a battering from bushes/brushing against walls/general behaving like a 6yo. And white polo shirts do get stained, even though I wash them with glo-white.

wolfnipplechips · 30/04/2009 10:15

I thought what they found in child of our time is that attractive children attract other people.

As a child who was always the scruffiest child in the class, never had any clean clothes and was always self conscious i think its really important to dress a child in nice clean clothes. Having said that, i spend alot of money and time on my dds clothes and she just seems to have a naturally scruffy look i wash her hair everynight but by the morning it looks unwashed, she wipes her nose/mouth on her sleeve loves dressing herself so she sometimes look erm.. interesting.

Feelingoptimistic · 30/04/2009 10:53

I think it's a misconception that children don't care about appearance. Children do care, and they do notice if other children look scruffy or dirty.
And it would not be fair to expect an 8 year old to be responsible for their own appearance. An 8 year old can help with the washing, etc. but it's up to the parent to guide and help.

changednam · 30/04/2009 11:10

Why is it your sis's fault and not a shared responsibility with the other parent?

Dh and I share the housework - in fact he does most of the laundry - so if our dds were going to school in scruffy clothes it wouldn't just be my responsibility.

As others have said, it depends if it matters to your nieces. My youngest dd would happily go to school in dirty clothes - and sometimes has if we haven't spotted something she's failed to put in the washing basket. It hasn't killed her.

I'd prefer them to be clean and tidy (dd1 is immaculate), but it's really not the end of the world if they're not.

JeanPoole · 30/04/2009 11:14

but why do, attractive children attract other people.
is it what we adults are teaching them to value?

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