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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband is going to Australia with work?

75 replies

winewife · 21/04/2009 12:28

My husband's company have a policy where certain members of staff who have acheived 'target' get to go away on lavish holidays with their partners, but no children. Because of the kids being younger and me not wanting to leave them, we have missed out on Virgin Islands, Prague and Hawaii. This year it is Australia for a week. As well as 2 older kids, we now have an 18 month old whom I would not leave. To cap it all, since he's been born my husband has spent the time working all over Europe and visiting New York, and I have just about coped with that. Australia takes some beating. I wont go but husband says he has to, is it unreasonable to be unhappy at home being a safety net? Whilst he gets to see the world, I get to do the washing...

OP posts:
spinspinsugar · 21/04/2009 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayorNaze · 21/04/2009 12:34

what does your husband do?!

that is a real pity for you. why does he HAVE to go?

IheartNY · 21/04/2009 12:34

I guess its up to you but you cant have it both ways really.
If you really dont want to leave your children you cant really complain that you are unhappy being at home and missing out.
I could understand disappointment and a bit of upset if you had a little baby or were breastfeeding but with older children its entirely your choice not to go.

I have a 14 month old and a 3 year old who I have never left for more than 1 night (and that only twice) but I would go for a week for a once in a lifetime trip to Australia!

stealthsquiggle · 21/04/2009 12:37

What industry does your DH work in? All '100% club' type events have been cancelled in all the companies I know!!

Why does he 'have to' go, if it is a reward? DH did go on his own to one which didn't include partners but TBH with youngest DC at 18months I would have left the DC with my parents and gone with him if I had been invited (he travelled all the time as well).

nametaken · 21/04/2009 12:40

I think IheartNY has hit the nail on the head. If you don't want to stay home and do the washing, leave the kids and go.

The holiday is a reward to your dh for doing his job well. It would be a shame if he had to put all the effort in but not reap any of the rewards

Or, can you take the children if you pay?

MuffinBaker · 21/04/2009 12:41

YANBU to be upset but it is your choice not to find someone to have the children so you can go with him.

reach4sky · 21/04/2009 13:02

Well I think it is a strange sort of reward and not one that is child friendly. I don't have anyone who could look after our kids for a week and it would cost a fortune to pay for the kids to go along. The company should give a cash alternative.

EasterBump · 21/04/2009 13:07

What a ludicrous company policy!

Are there really companies out there who are so un-family friendly that they will actively drive a wedge between their employee and his/her family?

I am .

YANBU.

nametaken · 21/04/2009 13:10

"Are there really companies out there who are so un-family friendly that they will actively drive a wedge between their employee and his/her family?"

Yes, there are hundreds of them - why do you think men hold the top jobs? Because women have choosen their family, that's why.

TheCrackFox · 21/04/2009 13:13

DH has had jollies to Italy, France, London (my favourite city) and Spain. TBH it does piss me off but I have never told DH that. What would be the point? He wouldn't go and would then resent me and then we would both be miserable at home.

stealthsquiggle · 21/04/2009 13:19

DH's no-partners-invited jolly was over Mother's Day - that went down a storm

OTOH if I was invited to one (no chance in current economic climate) I think DH would enoucrage me to go.

RyanAirVeteran · 21/04/2009 13:21

He has a job.

RyanAirVeteran · 21/04/2009 13:23

The reason they take them away rather than give them a bonus, is because it is tax deductible, if they have a "meeting" whilst they are there.

shinyshoes · 21/04/2009 13:36

I know it must be tough for you but if DH works hard and this is their way of recognising that fact then for him not to take his reward must be hard on him too.

Not many companies give bonuses now and it's good that some are still giving bonuses and recognising a job well done.

I would let him go if it were my DH but he'd have to make it up to me when he got back.

If the boot were on the other foot I would go, hard as it may be leaving the children but it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity and it's only for a week.

GracieGrace · 21/04/2009 13:36

this is very common
i went on one once

MollieO · 21/04/2009 13:38

Can't he get a cash equivalent (net of tax) or voucher equivalent award instead? That is what some other companies do. You could then use it towards a family holiday.

jellybeans · 21/04/2009 13:40

YANBU I also would not choose to be in another country than my kids while they are small.I would expect my DH not to go too.

hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 13:51

My DH attends an industry conference in NYC for 5 days (6 including traveling time) every summer. There is only meetings in the morning, the rest of the time is free. It is very much a "jolly up" rather than anything important, but the rest of the year he works incredibly hard at a demanding job.

For 3 years he went, and "made it up to me" by paying for a spa weekend a few weeks later for me and a sister/friends. Could this kind of compromise work for you?

Last summer he persuaded me to come. DC were almost 6, almost 4 and 21 months. (We had to pay for my flight, but everything else was covered by the company.) My parents had DC (we paid for a weekend away for them as a thank you) - I was so nervous about leaving DC that I didn't look forward to it at all. However, we had the most fantastic time! I went shopping whilst he was in meetings, and we had loads of lovely time together and with friends. After having 3 DC close together with difficult pregnancies and then 18 months of breastfeeding each child, it was great for our marriage.

I am having another baby in June/July, so this year neither of us is going. The year after, we're talking about taking the baby with us (their flights are v cheap). And we're planning a long weekend away this May on our own, as the last we'll get until DC4 is nearly 2...

Surely now that your youngest is 18 months, it won't be long before you'll be able to join in with this perk? In the meantime, find a compromise involving you having a special treat.

Original poster
winewife · 21/04/2009 13:51

I agree with some things that are being discussed-but I have never resented the kids and would not want to be away from them that far away, plus I still breastfeed at night.
We have discussed paying for the kids before but it is not allowed, even though all the places they visit are pretty family friendly.
When we first got together we were in the same line of work, since I gave my job up he moved into IT and has become a high-flier,I was going to train as a teacher but didn't get on the course and did work for a year in a school but kids were always ill and I had no one to care for them.
Who wants to go thousands of miles away from their family?
And as for bonuses, he still gets them.

OP posts:
Jackaroo · 21/04/2009 13:53

When I was young, my dad got a trip with his team to the med., it was supposed to be 6 days, spouses invited, and my dad asked if he could bring us along. Not only did they take us happily, but we extended the trip to 9 days and they paid for the whole thing.

If so many people are going on the jolly, and he asks, you never know what you might get...........

No idea if that helps!

PS YANBU to be jealous, but YABU to hold on to it if you sit at home seething rather than trying to find a way round it

hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 13:54

Forgot to add that DC had a great time with gp's. It was term time and my parents had only had kids at their house before. For dc, being in own house in own routine really helped, plus having each other. DC3 cried all the first night (I nearly flew home when I heard that) but then settled down and had a lovely time, and has been very close to my parents ever since.

hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 13:57

Is a family visit for older DC, and then taking the 18 month old really not worth considering? Under-2's are so cheap on the plane if they go on your lap. (Older 2 should get lots of presents brought home, and a day-away special treat to help make up for it.) Parents putting time into their marriages is GREAT for DC.

squeaver · 21/04/2009 13:57

Agree with Jackaroo's PS but, tbh, I would go and not feel one shred of guilt.

CMOTdibbler · 21/04/2009 13:58

The company I work for have an annual sales meeting - if they meet their targets it's in Cancun at a resort. If they don't, it's in a boring city.

This year they did, so they had meetings 6am-12, spouses and children welcome (airfares not paid, room and food paid)

Original poster
winewife · 21/04/2009 14:04

We have asked years ago when they went to the Virgin Islands and we did not go, the hotel was so family friendly but they wouldn't allow us to take the kids.
I do not have parents around to babysit, and why would a company expect a person to leave their family when they only see them 10% of the time anyway?

OP posts: