Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be upset that my husband is going to Australia with work?

75 replies

winewife · 21/04/2009 12:28

My husband's company have a policy where certain members of staff who have acheived 'target' get to go away on lavish holidays with their partners, but no children. Because of the kids being younger and me not wanting to leave them, we have missed out on Virgin Islands, Prague and Hawaii. This year it is Australia for a week. As well as 2 older kids, we now have an 18 month old whom I would not leave. To cap it all, since he's been born my husband has spent the time working all over Europe and visiting New York, and I have just about coped with that. Australia takes some beating. I wont go but husband says he has to, is it unreasonable to be unhappy at home being a safety net? Whilst he gets to see the world, I get to do the washing...

OP posts:

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 16:07

Ahhh, ABetaDad - if only all DP's were like you!!

helsbels4 · 21/04/2009 16:10

I agree Sorrento, there is far more to this than meets the eye.
Reading between the lines, it would seem you have issues with your dh in general and not just because he is going to Australia.
You sound as if you are bogged down and unhappy at home - especially if you used to work with dh and he's now off getting all the rewards while you're at home with the dc's, housework etc.
I think you should talk to him and say you need support and respect and if he doesn't understand that, maybe suggest he stays at home for a while, while you go and get your career back!
He might just appreciate what it's like to be at home 24/7 then!

stealthsquiggle · 21/04/2009 16:15

6 months with no options for visits home is a tad different to a week's jolly though....

I am sure no-one is forcing the OP's DH to go, but as Alibaba said, no-one wants to stick their head above the parapet.

Personally, DH and I are both working for large corporates where all bonuses and other bonus-in-kind things are disappearing at a rate of knots. If I were offered any right now I would grab them with both hands and enjoy them while they last

(P.S. OP - read the warning at the top of the AIBU threads - it's there for a reason!)

Original poster

winewife · 21/04/2009 16:16

Husband is never here... he wants to go away, keeps saying he needs a break!

OP posts:

Tinker · 21/04/2009 16:16

Who the hell would want to go away with their work colleagues? What a weird reward. Does he want to go? There's no way I'd have left kids at home to go to the other side of the world, can see exactly why you can't win on this.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 16:18

Winewife - take this thread to another topic, like relationships. Stealth is right - AIBU isn't for the faint hearted and I get the feeling you're feeling pretty fragile at the moment.

compo · 21/04/2009 16:23

yabu

'Well I think it is a strange sort of reward and not one that is child friendly'

why on earth should a reward for good work be child friendly? it is a reward for dh not his family fgs

Tinker · 21/04/2009 16:26

But this is a reward which actively creates difficulties for some familes

helsbels4 · 21/04/2009 16:28

Winewife, I've no doubt your dh works extremely hard and feels he needs a break BUT I'm guessing that you do too, so I would politely tell him that you hope he has a wonderful time and your spa weekend when he returns will be just what you need too Fairs fair

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 16:28

Yes, compo but he's married with kids and obviously enjoys the breaks a little too much or OP wouldn't sound so upset

compo · 21/04/2009 16:31

yes I agree it sounds like there are much deeper issues
fwiw I would enjoy the break too!
I guess if your dh has a high powered, well paid job that the whole family benefits from then you have to go along with all that the job entails
my BIL has to go on golfing weekends 3 times a year with his work
My sister isn't overly pleased but he needs the job so she knows that he has to go and doesn't give him a hard time about it

LoveMyGirls · 21/04/2009 19:40

Hummmm I think maybe it's worth reconsidering you going with him to OZ before you dismiss me completely think about this.....

If you go too you can spend some time talking and thinking about your future, you get a break from normal day to day as well as some quality time with your dh.

I know at the moment you are annoyed with him but this could be your chance to have some time with him to sort things out so that he understands you more and so that he understands what he needs to do to make sure his family are happy.

I know you think you can't leave your dc's but in the grand scheme of things it's only for 7 days out of their whole lives and they will probably be having so much fun being looked after by granny (or whoever?) that they won't mind so much, sometimes a decent break can really make you re-think things and for your dh it could pull you closer together, for you and the dc's they will appreciate you more because they will have had chance to miss you and you will have had a break from constantly doing washing cooking cleaning, splitting up arguements, tripping on toys and will have a chance to get some passion with your dh perhaps?

For me personally I agree with the statements

"sometimes a change is as good as a rest"
"absence makes the heart grow fonder"
"if mum is happy everybody is happy"

If you can't beat em join em?

As for BF 18mth old I can see how this is an issue and I haven't bf for that long so have no idea how you would handle that tbh (well done btw) but the point here is if there are issues with your dh it's better imho that you spend 7 days away with him sorting them out than 7 days at home resenting him even more and possibly your relationship getting damaged.

Yes I know he could possibly just not go to australia which would mean he could be at home with you and the dc's but let's face it, he's a man, if it ain't broke as far as he's concerned he's not going to see the need to fix it is he? It's also quite an opportunity to go to Oz and not have to pay for it and I would want to go too if I was him, wouldn't you if the shoe were on the other foot?

Now you can tell me to shut up and stop waffling I'm just adding my 2 penceworth and I could be totally wrong.

Rachel2796 · 21/04/2009 19:58

Winewife,

If it helps I would be pissed at this as well!

If he was going there to meet clients etc then that would be ok with me but if its a kind of reward "holiday" then no way.

Maybe save up and take the whole family somewhere far flung?

My husband is always saying he needs a break! I haven't had a lye-in in 11 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we speak my DH is at drinking football club while I am at home with sleeping bubba.

Milliways · 21/04/2009 20:05

My DH (in a previously employed life) used to get sent abroad a lot - once when DS was less than 2 months old!

Once though I did accompany him on a 4 day trip to the Bahamas. DS was only a few months old but his Childminder (who really loved him) just kept him 24/7 and DD stayed with a school friend.

I DID feel guilty, but it was something we could never afford to do ourselves, and the kids were fine.

Original poster

winewife · 21/04/2009 20:06

I agree with the idea of going away together, but a citybreak would be easier! The other side of the world is too far away from the smell of my baby's head...
As for the comments of he deserves a reward from work...I am at work 24/7 and I never get a reward.
He is away tonight until tomorrow, Denmark and France next week and Germany the next.
He text to he'd call later as he's out for a meal. I will probably be too busy getting other kids to bed, 12, 9 and bubba. Different ages with different needs.
Am not fragile, but give me a break...

OP posts:

violethill · 21/04/2009 20:07

I think you need to make your choice and be content with it. Either make arrangements for your children and go and enjoy the trip, or stay at home with the kids because at this stage of your life, that's what you prefer.

TBH, there isn't really a problem here. Your DH works hard, and one of the rewards is this trip. That should be a pleasant thing, not the cause for discontent! If he worked for a crap company, or hated his boss, or even worse, had no job, then you'd have real problems. The fact that your husband is having a jolly and you are choosing not to go is hardly a serious problem by most people;s standards.

TBH, if my youngest child was 18 months, then I would probably go! But then I was always back at work myself by the time mine were that age, so I guess it could have been me on the jolly (except that my line of work has never offered such 'bonuses'}!!

foxinsocks · 21/04/2009 20:24

if you went with the kids, apart from it being Australia, it'd be no break for you anyway as he would need to go and do all the company stuff and you'd be left with the kids

you sound v resentful of the whole situation tbh which is a hard emotion to deal with I think

I reckon you need to look at what you need in your life to make you happy because you sound very unhappy and seem to be clinging on to the kids and not leaving them as an excuse to not go out and enjoy yourself!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/04/2009 21:07

winewife this has rather ended up as an AIBU by stealth.

There is a lot more going on here than just a trip to Australia. Sounds like you and your husband need to have a rethink about your priorities, and that he needs to be a bit more considerate of you when he is at home.

I understand you being resentful that he's away a lot - I would hate it - but if that's the job he has then giving him a hard time about it probably won't help.

Do you ever get a babysitter and go out youself when he's away?

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth · 21/04/2009 21:26

difficult one...because op mentions that her dh has been away already because of work....so...that holiday away just seems to top it off....but if he has missed many of those already, than it could maybe work against him....
or maybe he just feels that he needs some time with his colleagues but without the workpart...
if this is the first one he would like to do to, I think it would be unfair to say he couldn't...however, I can sympathise with op's feelings of resentment....been an Army Wife for the majority of married life...

helsbels4 · 22/04/2009 09:55

Being a sahm, I can totaly sympathise with winewife because although I love being at home with my children, some days I do feel slightly envious of dh when he closes the door behind him and is his own person with his own thoughts and the thought of him being rewarded for "his work" with a trip to the other side of the world, must stick in her throat a bit.

The very least he could and should do, is to offer his wife the chance of a break either before or after he goes.

I'm stabbing wildly in the dark here but the posters who feel that winewife is bu and why shouldn't her dh be rewarded etc etc, probably are career women and not sahm's.

DuffyFluckling · 22/04/2009 10:03

What does your husband think?

I know mine would be totally underwhelmed by the idea of a 'holiday' away from me and the kids.

helsbels4 · 22/04/2009 14:53

I agree Duffy. My dh is self-employed so barely get an income let alone perks (!) but if he was and he was allowed a trip without his family, I really don't think he'd want to go.

He has the chance to go to a meeting tomorrow at 6pm but isn't going because he'd miss the dc's bath/bedtime!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/04/2009 16:14

Duffy - the OP has already said that her DH wants to go because he feels he needs a break away from the kids....

My DH would be like yours, perhaps excited to see a new place but he wouldn't be keen to go unless we could all come with him.

BabyBump2B · 22/04/2009 22:05

I think YABVU. My DH was laid off 12 weeks ago with barely a lead in sight. He's demoralised and depressed and I'm working 2.5 jobs (one of which on a paycut) while pregnant.

Having a job right now is no small thing and this is not the time to be asking for extras like bringing the kids along or turning down their generosity (regardless of whether its generous in the way you'd like).

Be grateful for what you do have - the alternative isn't exactly peachy!

thirtypence · 22/04/2009 22:09

He must have some serious airmiles with all that travelling. You and the kids could use them to go somewhere nice.

A week in Australia would be just very tiring.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread