Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be upset that my husband is going to Australia with work?

75 replies

winewife · 21/04/2009 12:28

My husband's company have a policy where certain members of staff who have acheived 'target' get to go away on lavish holidays with their partners, but no children. Because of the kids being younger and me not wanting to leave them, we have missed out on Virgin Islands, Prague and Hawaii. This year it is Australia for a week. As well as 2 older kids, we now have an 18 month old whom I would not leave. To cap it all, since he's been born my husband has spent the time working all over Europe and visiting New York, and I have just about coped with that. Australia takes some beating. I wont go but husband says he has to, is it unreasonable to be unhappy at home being a safety net? Whilst he gets to see the world, I get to do the washing...

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 21/04/2009 14:04

Just think when your youngest is older you will be able to go too It's not going to be like this forever even if you want to wait until your youngest is a lot older.

Original poster

winewife · 21/04/2009 14:06

To be honest, I do not see the benefit of going away without the children, I was never left and I wouldn't leave them.

OP posts:

ducdo · 21/04/2009 14:07

I think you should go .. be great to have some time out with your hubby and time to yourself. It's hard work looking after an 18 mth old and you shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time out.
If you can get someone to help out with the kids, I would do it ..

hedgiemum · 21/04/2009 14:57

"To be honest, I do not see the benefit of going away without the children, I was never left and I wouldn't leave them."

In that case, I actually think yabu for resenting being at home as a safety net, doing washing, etc.. Just because you personally cannot see the point of going away without DC, doesn't mean that your DH doesn't, and neither should it.
Clearly there are benefits or he wouldn't be doing it regularly anyway; career/networking etc.. but beyond that, a lovely exotic holiday with time together.

If the amount of time he is away is causing an issue in your marriage in general then I can sympathise with that, and suggest working towards a goal of him changing role, company or industry in the medium term. (Doing any necessary training courses etc.. in spare time in preparation.)

GracieGrace · 21/04/2009 15:03

"I would expect my DH not to go too. "

oh fgs

GracieGrace · 21/04/2009 15:03

aurely you shoudl be proud that he has done well at work?
did you choose to be a sahm?
well then put up wiht it

BoredWithWork · 21/04/2009 15:08

I agree with ducdo, you should go with you DH to Oz. My parents live nearly 200 miles away and they are more than happy to come and stay if we were to go away without DS (18mths), we almost went skiing for a long weekend a couple of months ago and they were going to come and look after him. They were disappointed when we didn't go!
As hedgie said, if you're starting to feel resentful then maybe you ought to go and spend some time with just you and your DH. Not sure how old your eldest is but if DC2/3 is 18mths that's a long time never to have had some time 'off'. Your DC will love it too probably!
Hope you manage to come to a decision that you're confortable with.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 15:15

Slightly different situation, but before we moved over to Sydney DH would fly over at least twice a year for up to 6 weeks to start setting up his business (although plenty of times those weeks were part holidays). I didn't think about it much until I was heavily pregnant with DD. When DD was 8 months he went off again and I didn't cope at all well, but still accepted that it it was his choice.
If your DH wants to go, let him, its only for a week (jesus, he'll have just got over jetlag and then it will be time to come back!). You don't want to leave your kids and thats your decision (it would be mine too). Try and get some extra help while he's away and go and treat yourself to a massage and retail therapy!

perma · 21/04/2009 15:20

Ooh this is tricky - my dh did lots of work related travel when I was pg and dcs tiny and while I hated it clearly there was no choice. With the Oz trip I agree with you - if he's away from you so much already and you can't go and take children with you it hardly seems the right sort of reward to jet him off again somewhere else without you. Yes he works hard and deserves a reward but one that involves more time apart as a family doesn't seem right really - I would be upset too. You may have said, but does he actually want to go? As for you leaving children here while you go (assuming there was someone to leave them with - I don't have that option so you may not either), I am sure I'll get flamed for this but there is no way on this earth I would fly to Oz with dh leaving dcs here. (as a not that relevant aside, someone I know recently went to Carribean for a week with her dh leaving children with nanny and she said "Oh but I did phone them twice" )

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/04/2009 15:25

If it is part of his job to go away with work, then he must go. Why should he not? He would look ridiculous if he started asking for cash in lieu of a bonus holiday.

Of course it is not up the the employer to make sure that the perks and other asides are associated with the job are child friendly. What about the child free people?

I think that it this day and age i would be tnakful that my partner is successful in his job, even though he has to go away frequently, and more thankful that the company he works for is evidently profitable enough to do this, rather than considering headcount reductions.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 15:28

Yes, but it doesn't mean its easy when you're left with the kids... Think OP was having a rant and its understandable, doesn't mean she's not thankful.

GracieGrace · 21/04/2009 15:29

but its in AIBU

and she is

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 15:32

Ok I agree. You have to take it on the chin in AIBU (which is why i never start a thread here).

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/04/2009 15:32

I didn't mean for my last OP to sound so heartless - I do understand how frustrating it is when your dP works such long hours (my DP works a lot of the week away). It's bloody horrible, and it doesn't help when companies throw jollies which have to be attended. But there really is no point in complaining about it, it's just part of life. I also work for a company where travel is necessary, and I do not get any allowances for having a family either.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 15:33

Oh and winewife, the weathers crap here at the moment, so looks like it will be warmer in Blighty.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/04/2009 15:35

I didn't mean no point in complaininh about it on MN (that's why it's here!!) I meant complaining about it to your DP. He probably knows you're pissed off. Oh god i am rambling on today.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 15:36

Getorf, you didn't sound heartless. I agree that you have to accept these things - DH is always off somewhere.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/04/2009 15:43

Well the company I work for, and DH used to work for hardly even took partners on anything.

100% club, even christmas parties were employee only, no partners. I think hysteria would ensue if anyone tried to suggest that anybody took their kids.

YANBU to be annoyed at him jetting around, but the pressure to attend these things is hideous and right now I don't think people can afford to stick their heads above the parapet.
Is it right that things should be this way - no - but unfortunately it doesn't alter anything.

If your DH is doing well and that is being recognised then presumeably he's earning good money - can you not go some of these places on your own during his holidays?

GracieGrace · 21/04/2009 15:44

well they arent employing the family are they

Original poster

winewife · 21/04/2009 15:51

Wish I'd not started this thread... everyone is individual and i dont think that IABU when I have to put up with his rudeness at home and complete lack of support with dc.
Australia is just the straw that broke the camel's back as far as I'm concerned!

OP posts:

Sorrento · 21/04/2009 15:57

I think if you work in a bonus/rewards culture with all the incentives that go with that you cannot expect the family friendily local government type policies.
Maybe both sectors could learn alot from each other but for now it is either or.

Sorrento · 21/04/2009 15:58

Ah so this is about more than just a jolly to Oz then ?

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 16:04

Reckon you definitely need to get some help while he's away. Sounds as if you need a bit of TLC, winewife.

ABetaDad · 21/04/2009 16:05

winewife - a company I worked for tried to send me to Australia wthout my wife for 6 months with no trips allowed back. They faxed me the proposal in the middle of the night and gave me 8 hours to think about it. I did - and left the company a month later.

In your case, I would pay for the kids to go yourselves and go with him. If that is not possible then he should not go and just negotiate a cash bonus instead.

I agree with others - some firms act like families do not exist. Totally unacceptable.

brightongirldownunder · 21/04/2009 16:05

A week in Oz is not as great as it sounds anyway - too far for so few days. Where's he going?

Flip

1 2 3