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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that age 9 is too young to go the cinema in the evening without an adult ....?

501 replies

dicksbird · 19/04/2009 15:42

Just collected DD from a sleepover. She is 9 but friend she stayed with is 10 and another girl also sleeping over is just 10. They are all in year 5.

I knew there was some mention that a cinema trip may be involved but I wasnt specifically told beforehand.

Now I find out they were dropped outside the cinema at 6.30pm amd picked up at 8.30 from outside. None of them had a mobile phone !!

Mumsney jury what do you think ??? Am i just being silly ???

OP posts:
cory · 23/04/2009 14:05

noddyholder on Wed 22-Apr-09 14:23:19
"No wouldn't put him in ski school either!over protective maybe but everyone has their limits and at 9 i think there is little need to be out and about on their own. "

Am just back from reading the recent report on child wellbeing in different countries. You know, the one where the Netherlands and the Scandinavian countries score top marks for every aspect of wellbeing.

And I can't think of a single Scandinavian parent of my acquaintance who wouldn't think your attitude cruelly restrictive. Ime they take it for granted that by the time you start school, you also need to gradually start increasing your independence. For a 7yo that would mean walking unaccompanied to school, for a group of 11yos going alone to the beach would be a normal part of a summer's day.

Of course, this is partly because they are just bloody lucky living in areas with relatively little crime. (though having said that, I don't think statistics show that more children are actually abducted by strangers in the UK).

But partly also, I think it is because Scandinavian parents tend to trust their children more and tend to see their need for freedom as a genuine human need that has to be met.

Presumably, the risk from your house catching fire or cutting your hands off with a sharp knife are about the same in either culture. Indeed, some aspects of Scandinavian life must be infinitely more dangerous- the risk of succumbing to hypothermia in winter for instance, or the fact that most children live near some form of lake or other water.

Yet these parents seem far happier about letting their children play out in the snow or stay alone at home. And (given current research) the children seem happier too. They have more to do. And yet, fewer die in accidents. Strange.

cory · 23/04/2009 14:10

of course reach4sky's situation is totally different; she is making a sensible risk assessment on the environment she actually lives in. Most of us no doubt would do the same.

but we get so many posters on here who think it is absolutely unacceptable to leave a 9yo/10yo/11yo/12yo in any situation that involved taking even the slightest risk.

Since we all take lots of risks as adults (and incidentally, take a big risk with our children every time we put them in a car), it does raise the question, 'when do children get to an age where some risk taking is acceptable?'

seeker · 23/04/2009 14:11

Maybe the alien space craft don't work in cold air?

cory · 23/04/2009 14:18

I think it's about 'when is life worth living?'. To me as a pre-teen, that would not have been trailing around shopping centres with my mother because she thought I couldn't look after myself.

prettybird · 23/04/2009 14:18

Seeker: you might be interested to look at this recent thread "Do you think our children will grow up unable to recognise/deal with danger".

It's very much on your wavelength

dicksbird · 23/04/2009 14:20

ED..........why on earth would you let your 11 year old go shopping in town on unaccompanied with friends. Thats a real shocker to me.

Maybe I am just backwood but thats far too young IMHO.

OP posts:
cory · 23/04/2009 14:24

My 12yo frequently goes shopping in town accompanied by her 8yo brother. The main reason for his presence (besides their mother's sentimental enjoyment of knowing that they are doing things "together") is that she is disabled and can collapse at any minute. So she is there to keep him in order and he is there to get help if she has a fall. Works well for us.

But if she were able-bodied I would have no problem with her going in on her own, or with her having done so last year.

It obviously depends on towns though. Ours is a middling sized town, with a fairly quiety city centre.

Kewcumber · 23/04/2009 14:25

I used to wrestle with bears at 11 didn't do me any harm...

Milkmade · 23/04/2009 14:26

Things I did age 10 without direct adult supervision
a) Once a week Dad would put me on a train in the afternoon, and I'd take it 45 min to town. get off, and mum would meet me at the other end from work
b) go with my brother to the beach (dunes only, sea strictly off limits) when we got up at 6 am, then dad would walk down and find us around 8am and we'd go back for breakfast
c) (School hols) Be dropped off with my brother at the science museum and told what time to reappear at the entrance
These still form some of my nicest childhood memories, and I hope when my dds get to the same age I'm able to gulp and let them do the same.

prettybird · 23/04/2009 14:27

From the age of about 9, I was going unaccompanied to my ballet class. This involved getting a train (admittedly from a very nice suburb) nearly into the cntre of Glasgow, walking from the station up a lane (in the dark in the winter) and then in reverse, including the 10-15 minute walk back home (would go straight form school).

I was trained to do by my mother, who followed me the first time I did it on my onw (and for all I know, followed me on other occasions as well). It taught me to be self reliant and confident. I knew to find an adult if I had a problem.

I do not consider my parents to have been irresponsible parents: in fact, I appreicate that they turned me into the confident woman that I am today.

I hope to do the same for my ds. (... but turn him into a confident man of course )

ElinorDashwood · 23/04/2009 14:27

Well I am shocked that you are shocked! They go into Topshop and try on the clothes. They go into Boots and look at the makeup. They go into Waterstones and look at the books. If one of them has some money, maybe they buy a nailpolish or a magazine or go into the sweetshop and buy some sweets to share. Then they come home having had a couple of hours fun.
DD and her friends work hard at school. They all play musical instruments. They all do sport and other afterschool activities. But occasionally on a Saturday they like to have a couple of hours just hanging out together doing not a lot.
What on earth could be the problem?

reach4sky · 23/04/2009 14:29

I don't see a problem with that at all, depending on the town of course.

MillyR · 23/04/2009 14:30

I will let my DS go to town on his own from 11 because:

  1. He will enjoy it.
  2. It will give him a feeling that it is his local town.
  3. He will gain useful skills
  4. To get home from secondary school, he will need to get on 2 different buses with a 20 min wait between buses in the town centre.

I also presume he will travel to other areas of the UK and go to music festivals etc on his own like ED's child, at the age of 16.

idobelieveinfairies · 23/04/2009 14:38

Haven't read right through all the posts..but i would have been p'd off that the mum didn't ask if those plans were ok with you.

As for letting them go unsupervised-depends very much on the child, some are more grown up than others. Girls are usually more grown-up i have found but like someone mentioned, they can have silly little arguements which could mean one being left alone. Boys don't seem to argue with each other..{unless its over football from my experience!).

I have an 11 yr old ds who can go out to places with his friends..and has done for quite a few months-always with a mobile.

I also have a 10 yr old ds..and he won't be going out with his friends without an adult anytime soon. He is different to older ds. Hes just not as grown-up or as streetwise.

SerendipitousHarlot · 23/04/2009 14:40

ED my 11yo dd goes into town on her own and with friends. She walks there and back - 15 minutes-ish, each way and does the same stuff as yours.... trying on makeup, hats, perfume etc, just having fun! The same things that I used to do at the same age! I really don't see the issue either.

SweetieBaby · 23/04/2009 15:27

My 14 yr old son goes out with friends to cinema, etc but I am oncomfortable about him being out at night. I don't have fears of him being abducted but of being mugged or involved in some other kind of trouble.

My 9 yr old daughter doesn't really go anywhere on her own. Again I have issues with traffic, other children etc.

The area where we live is not particularly great, not as bad as some but has own share of anti social behaviour etc and I don't want them caught up in it.

I had a very different childhood and was always allowed out to play in the local prk etc but that was a very different time. Primarily I think other adults would "keep an eye" on children. That doesn't seem to happen today.

modernmama · 23/04/2009 15:37

I think 9 is too long to be sat alone in the cinema, even with friends - my kids didn't do that till 11 and then only with mobiles and with the strict instruction to stay inside the cinema until I was there to pick up. I still felt uneasy, but it's a safe place to start letting go of the leash. It also depends on the child - some are more mature than others. But the main reason I write is that I think the parents of the other kids were out of order not to check with you first - I would never do anything like that without asking the other parents permission. modernmama.co.uk my blog!

piscesmoon · 23/04/2009 17:17

'I object to this on the same grounds I object to grown up fashions, make up, disco parties etc for little kids.NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!!!! '

Luckily I don't have girls so I don't have to worry about fashion and makeup too young, but I hardly think that the cinema comes into the same category. I can't think of any DC thinking 'WOW I can go to the cinema without a parent' or 'what a shame I was allowed to go on my own too early and it spoilt the moment'! If I was to ask my DS which film they first saw on their own and at what age they wouldn't have a clue, and neither do I. There is plenty to look forward to, a good film, getting to the age when you can see 15 certificates etc.
I think that life is for living-seize the moment-don't think 'I must save that as something to look forward to'-you may never get the opportunity again. A lot of things are better started young-in general someone who started skiing as soon as they could walk is going to be a better skier than one who started at 14yrs. I think that maybe they are better at in in other countries-I was most impressed by the 3/4 yr olds that were bundled onto chair lifts with complete strangers and didn't bat an eye-my DS couldn't have done it but I expect that had we lived near enough the slopes to go regularly then he would have become quite happy.
I don't see how you run out of things to experience! I have done lots of things but I can't ever imagine saying 'I have done it all'-the only thing I can imagine is saying 'I didn't get to do xxxx and now I am too old'!
Gaining some independence doesn't take away childhood-fearful parents, who don't let you do anything, are the ones to take away childhood.

nappyaddict · 23/04/2009 17:23

11 is fine to be walking into town!! In fact I would even say from 10. Perhaps a little bit older if it involves a bus or train journey.

noddyholder · 23/04/2009 17:24

It is my opinion and I am sticking to it!

piscesmoon · 23/04/2009 17:28

I expect we are all sticking to our opinions noddyholder! I would doubt whether a single person has changed their mind since they started reading! I haven't.

PMSLBrokeMN · 23/04/2009 17:56

At the end of the day (yes I know, horrible phrase) I think it's nice when this sort of thing gets discussed, whether or not we agree each other. Slinging insults around isn't much fun (you know who you are ) but it's always worthwile comparing notes, if only to reassure yourself that you're right and everyone else is wrong !

Honestly though, thank heavens for Mumsnet, it's good to read everyone's opinions.

PMSLBrokeMN · 23/04/2009 17:56
  • agree WITH d'oh!
pinklace · 23/04/2009 22:18

i dont need to go to classes my darling everbody comments on what a good parent i am and how good my children are and how they have wonderful manners and are very bright children

pinklace · 23/04/2009 22:25

my friend also had to go to parenting classes as her social workers made her