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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to limit contact with ILs after weekend accident?

121 replies

cozzie · 16/04/2009 08:59

Whilst out with my ILs my 2 year old son fell into an artificial lake. My FIL had to dive in to fish him out. My DS was OK but soaked through. Moreover they seemed to think the whole incident was funny and made jokes about it. I find this sick. I want to cancel future visits for the moment as I don't trust them with my son's safety. My DH thinks I am overreacting.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 16/04/2009 09:00

well, children DO fall into ponds and stuff all the time, and as long as he was being watched and not left to run around then it's not such a huge deal IMO. Have there been other incidents?

Phoenix4725 · 16/04/2009 09:02

maybe suggest to them that they use reins when near water ,i do with my youngest ds as i know that he is likely to want to join the ducks

ruty · 16/04/2009 09:04

well luckily they acted very quickly so your ds was safe. Suggesting reins is a good idea, as well as having a talk with them, saying how serious this could have been and how frightened you were. if this is a one off I would not limit contact, no.

edam · 16/04/2009 09:05

Your FIL had to dive in? Blimey. So the pond was quite deep?

That's a serious event in my book and I'd be very angry with your ILs for not supervising a 2yo well enough. AND even more concerned that they think it is funny. Good grief.

throckenholt · 16/04/2009 09:07

they probably joked about it because it scared them - a fairly natural human reaction I think.

I would talk to them - ask how it happened and say how it would have freaked you if it had happened to you. See how they react. And then take it from there.

LilRedWG · 16/04/2009 09:07

I think that you are overreacting a little. They were obviously extremely close by. I do agree that it is very frightening for you and probably was for your ILs at the time too.

If it was a one off don't limit contact, just suggest reins by the water.

edam · 16/04/2009 09:07

I wouldn't allow unsupervised contact with people who are both so careless with a very small child and fail to realise how dangerous this was.

LilRedWG · 16/04/2009 09:08

They may have joked about it because they were extremely embarassed and upset.

cory · 16/04/2009 09:10

if they were watching him and dived in instantly, I wouldn't worry too much; a wetting won't have hurt him

(but then we are quite a seaside/boating family, no member of mine who hasn't been fished out of water at regular intervals and we're all fine)

if he was left unsupervised so they didn't notice he was near water and he might potentially have drowned before they did, then I would make sure I was around during visits to keep an eye

but I wouldn't deprive them on visits, hardly fair on your ds to take away his grandparents when he's done nothing wrong

I would also be a bit wary of refusing to see people because your ds has a slight accident in their charge (unless they have really been criminally negligent)

one day, he is quite likely to have an accident when in your charge: will you stop seeing him then?

I thought accidents was something caused by other people's carelessness and that my dd would be safe with me

until the day I stood looking down on her unconscious little body and realise that accidents do happen and a mother's presence is no guarantee that they won't

tiggerlovestobounce · 16/04/2009 09:10

I wouldnt stop unsupervised contact for a one off incident like this. These things can happen, and if they were right by him, and got him out quickly then I wouldnt see this as being a reason why they could never be trusted with him.

mollythetortoise · 16/04/2009 09:15

YABU i think and over reacting a little. that could easily happen in your care.. turn your back on a 2 year old and anything could happen. I have a two year and it's only for the grace of god he has not ended up in a duck pond on numerous occasions.. he likes ducks ALOT..Totally unfair to limit contact for this.. (sounds to me like you have been waiting for such an excuse.. might be wrong there but that's the impression i get). I bet they are probably the safest people to look after your son now as they will never let that happen again. I fell in a duck pond when I was two, pond was icing and I stood on the ice (copying my dad, who had also just done it) and the ice cracked. No harm done, dad jumped in and saved me, it is probably my earliest memory but not in a bad way.. my mum and dad still talk about it now and laugh..doesn't mean they weren't shook up by the incident at the time.

edam · 16/04/2009 09:17

Well, people shouldn't turn their backs when a toddler is near a duck pond, for heaven's sake. It's one thing to decide how closely to monitor your own child, quite another to be careless with someone else's.

stoppinattwo · 16/04/2009 09:18

maybe they joked about it because they didnt want to scare him? if he was listening while they explained what happened...I am sure they are aware of how serious it could have been. It sounds like they were being very vigilent, to go in after him straight away.

2yo can be off in a shot, or they can slip and fall, you dont know exactly how it happened...I would be patting them on the back for responding so quickly rather that questioning their contact they probably feel so bad that this happened on their watch

clayre · 16/04/2009 09:19

i think you are over reacting, my ds fell in my mums house and battered his face off the coffee table, we had to come and take him to A&E. I didnt stop her looking after him, i didnt make her hold onto him indoors or remove her coffee table, accidents happen.

My mum still feels guilty about it to this day 2 and a half years on.

sobanoodle · 16/04/2009 09:20

once at the beach in autumn the tide came in really quickly and ds (then 2) ended up swamped in a fast flowing rocky pool where seconds before he'd been digging in the sand next to dh. Soaked through. but fine. Dh and I are still married !

Pitchounette · 16/04/2009 09:20

Message withdrawn

smudgethepuppydog · 16/04/2009 09:21

It happened to my two year old while we were feeding the ducks together, we were stood on a fishing jetty when DS went to throw a bit of food but didn't let go and simply toppled in. I even had a loose hand on his jacket but he slipped out of my grasp. Luckily he could swim and was very water confident so he simply bobbed to the surface and we scooped him out. DH then sprinted the half mile back to teh car for warm clothing and a kindly passer-by offered us his jacket to keep DS warm. I guess in your eyes it makes me an unfit mother?

Without knowing how the accident happened it's impossible to know whether or not you are BU or not.

Pitchounette · 16/04/2009 09:22

Message withdrawn

purplemonkeydishwasher · 16/04/2009 09:22

i'm a bit thick. were YOU there too? or were they meant to be watching him?

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 16/04/2009 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

theyoungvisiter · 16/04/2009 09:26

I think you are being a bit unfair - if it were the latest in a series of accidents then maybe - but if it's a one-off then chalk it up to experience and know that they won't let him get away near a lake for the next 20 years or more!

The joking thing was probably a combination of that kind of hysterical relief you get after a near miss, and a different sense of humour to yours.

edam · 16/04/2009 09:27

Molly said something about it's easy to turn your back on a small child. My point is that shouldn't be the issue here - no-one should be turning their back near a pond. If the ILs had been supervising the grandchild adequately, he wouldn't have fallen in.

There's a reason why ROSPA advises parents to fill in garden ponds. Clearly you have to supervise very carefully near public ponds. In 2002 35 children aged under 14 drowned. 21 were aged under 5. 200 children were taking to hospital after near-drownings, which can lead to serious disability.

theyoungvisiter · 16/04/2009 09:28

well they may not have turned their back - he might have just hared away unexpectedly.

We weren't there so we don't know.

LIZS · 16/04/2009 09:30

cozzie , were you there too or did they have sole responsibility for him at the time ? They were probably pretty shocked themselves but as no real harm came by him can make light of it out of relief. yabu , accidents will happen, even under your supervision they will. It almost seems that the more restictive you are in future the more likely it is. Would you use reins or a buggy in such circumstances or let him loose, did you provide them with those ?

mollythetortoise · 16/04/2009 09:31

sorry I shouldn't have said "turn your back" , I am sure they didn't/ hadn't. I meant "take your eyes off" which we all do, nobody has their eyes on their toddler constantly. Like another poster said , even if you are holding on to them, they could still slip out of your hands.