...to limit contact with ILs after weekend accident?

[cozzie]

Whilst out with my ILs my 2 year old son fell into an artificial lake. My FIL had to dive in to fish him out. My DS was OK but soaked through. Moreover they seemed to think the whole incident was funny and made jokes about it. I find this sick. I want to cancel future visits for the moment as I don't trust them with my son's safety. My DH thinks I am overreacting.

Thing is Cozzie, as I found out when DS toppled into a lake the most bizarre things go through your mind. As I watched him disappear from view (it all happened in slow-motion in my eyes) all I could think was 'I've just paid £25 for those Startrite shoes!' I can remember feeling strangely detached from the reality of what was happening. Could that be the reason for the way your IL's have handled it?

When dd was 2 we went out in a small dingy on shallow water and she fell in head firsteven though I was right next to her. It just happened so fast. Very scary! There were a ton of people watching and I felt like the most dissapproved of mother on the planet as I carried her wet and wailing onto the bank.

Now if dh had come home and told me he'd done that I'd probably have gone mental and and harangued him

Message withdrawn

Hm, it's so difficult to know, isn't it? I agree that accidents can happen whoever is looking after the child, and that it's important to let children learn. But if there have been a lot of "little accidents" then that builds up a picture, in my opinion. It would make me more nervous. If they were vigilant in front of me, then I would think that there was no harm done and there but for the grace of God. If they are so laid back that they're horizontal then I would question whether they are looking after my DC properly.

You are being somewhat unreasonable, IMO. I think you could just have a chat with ILs and say you were scared by what happened and would they like reins for him in future or have they now realised how fast he moves? You can't break off contact with loving grandparents (who are willing to dive into a pond after your ds) just because of one thing. Are you going to stop looking after him yourself if he has an accident on your watch? My ds1 fell into a pond at my in laws (I was with him, but walking behind as I was pregnant) at about 2 and it was a shock, but he's fine. These things happen in childhood.

My brother fell into a large pond while out on a trip with our GPs at about the same age. A nearby adult leaped in to save him. Of course if he'd actually put his feet down he'd have been fine, so it was less lifeguard rescue and more hauling him to his feet. Poor bloke was on his lunchbreak! The incident has certainly passed into family lore. My grandmother was pretty distraught though. And my mum thought it rather funny.

Accidents do happen but if you spend your whole life fretting about what might happen your kids will have no life.

This lake is not dangerous if an adult is standing with the child and can pull them out quickly if necessary. Which is what happened. Getting wet is not the end of the world!

Why do you insist on keeping your 2 year old strapped in a pushchair when feeding the ducks? Must be very boring and frustrating for him.

pithcounette's post is very wise

you need some sort of strategy to deal with your reaction to the whole scenario, because it is hurting you and upsetting you

am I right in guessing either that this is the first time your ds has had a real accident, or that you have a personal fear of water?

I'm afraid I was one of those children who was fascinated by water (and never grew out of it!) and I fell in every single pond in the neighbourhood when I was little. Turn your back for two seconds and SPLOSH, I was in ... I think if my mum had blamed everyone who'd 'let' me fall in, she wouldn't have been on speaking terms with anyone, including herself!

Teach your ds to swim and be happy he has grandparents who love him and want to spend time with him.

I wouldn't. I think you are overreacting a bit. Scary, but he's still with you. FIL was able to hoick him out so in a sense they were keeping him safe. Accidents happen.

The joking is a way of calming themselves about it as much as anything I suspect. And no need to freak out 2yr old by being shocked and horrified.

smudgethepuppydog - thing is they are pretty emotionally detached at the best of times, particularly from their own children- dh despatched to boarding school at young age despite not wanting to go etc, so this is "normal" for them. We are off to get new shoes this weekend!

pithcounette - thank you for your advice

cory - no it is not the first time he has had an accident. I have taken him to A&E. I didn't find it funny then either! And no, I don't have a fear of water.

Agree pithcounette's post is v. good.

I think there are two reasons why I'm going against the 'hey ho, accidents happen' grain here.

First, there's a big difference between being a parent and an accident happening and being someone looking after someone else's child. I feel much more responsible for the safety of ds's playmates than for ds, IYKWIM - obviously I don't want ds to come to any harm but I am particularly vigilant with other children. If something goes wrong when I'm looking after ds, that's my own look-out. If something goes wrong with someone else's child, I'd feel 10x more terrible and responsible.

Second, I'm particularly concerned about water. Some people are more relaxed about certain risks but worry about others that don't necessarily get me going. Water's just one of those things that really frightens me, because of the risk of drowning.

I don't hover around climbing frames because my personal judgment is the worst that can happen is a broken bone (or a head injury but playgrounds have those bouncy surfaces these days so I doubt it would be fatal).

jack99 - why? to stop him falling in!

edam - I don't hover either in the playground because as you say there are safety measures in place but I am very careful around water because of the risk of drowning

Yanbu. I wouldn't stop all contact though, just the unsupervised. I don't think i would let my ds play around the side of a pond even if i was near by. Laughing about it and telling you nto to make a fuss seems odd.

my dd nearly died after falling off a perfectly safe climbing frame, set up to all the latest specifications, edam.

(consultant was already preparing us for the worst when she suddenly regained consciousness)

otoh we have all of us fallen into water countless times- it takes much longer to drown than to bash your skull in

I have a great fear of cars and roads- but I wouldn't call that irrational: far more children get killed by cars than by drowning

in fact, the only children I know who have died in accidents have been killed by cars

I still do make myself let them travel by car though and cross roads

yes the one thing that worries me is that if the water had been deep, like a canal for example, if would have been very difficult to get a child out once they had fallen in. So i think very important to stress with PILs that falling in water very serious and they must be vigilant.

Dandy's made me think, one of the other problems with this scenario is your PIL's not respecting your views. You are ds's mother, they should follow your line on acceptable risks, whatever their own judgement. (And that's generally the MN consensus on a variety of topics, odd how it isn't on this one.)

that's what I mean about everyone having a different take on what they consider big risks and minor ones, Cory. I don't hover around climbing frames* but am hyper-vigilant around water, many other people might be the other way round.

Glad your dd recovered, must have been absolutely terrifying.

(*Actually I do worry a bit but tell myself not to be so silly, have to let ds explore etc. etc. etc.)

Dandy - in fact there were three people as my SIL was there too. I will talk to my ILs. They have a bit of a "we know better than you" thing going on. It's their dismissive attitude which I find very hard to stomach.

Edam - yes I agree

YANBU imo. They shouldn't have let a 2 year old near a lake in the first place. He could have so easily drowned. It was just luck he didn't. And as to laugh about it. I would be highly angry at that attitude and agree that it was rather sick.

I fell in the Serpentine in Hyde Park when I was 6 because my mother and her friend were too busy chin wagging to notice me and 2 others in their charge putting our feet right on the edge of it. They could have prevented me falling in by telling us not to play so near the edge. Thankfully I managed to grab the ledge at the side, otherwise I would have ended up at the bottom of it. My mother then pulled me out. But it could have been avoided in the first place.

of course it's an individual thing, edam

for me, I think it's about risk assessment in a worst case scenario: if something happened- what are my chances of saving them?

in water- very good, they won't have hurt themselves, I am a strong swimmer, I have done enough lifesaving to know I would have a good chance unless the current was exceptionally strong; grandparents also very ggood swimmers

when there is a risk of head-bashing- well, once it's done it's done; there is nothing you can do; doesn't matter how good or strong you are- even doctors often can't do a lot

of course I have let her go on climbing frames after that, I'm not a total loon

but I do fuss more about heights, because I know that the damage is irretrievable

in fact, now that they are older, I do sometimes need to look away

Cory - that must have been terrifying. Agree with Edam, I must be other way round too.