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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to limit contact with ILs after weekend accident?

121 replies

cozzie · 16/04/2009 08:59

Whilst out with my ILs my 2 year old son fell into an artificial lake. My FIL had to dive in to fish him out. My DS was OK but soaked through. Moreover they seemed to think the whole incident was funny and made jokes about it. I find this sick. I want to cancel future visits for the moment as I don't trust them with my son's safety. My DH thinks I am overreacting.

OP posts:

edam · 16/04/2009 11:41

Ah, you see Cory, I bashed my head A LOT as a child but have survived and am relatively normal... (Fell off horses, bikes, out of trees, down steps in the playground. If it was possible to fall and hit my head, I did!)

Appreciate with your experience anyone would have a different approach.

But in this case, I do think PILs are being obnoxious telling Cozzie not to make a fuss.

edam · 16/04/2009 11:42

Only broke a bone once, mind you - for some reason all my falling off things always ended up bashing my head, not my arms or legs. My poor mother...

DandyLioness · 16/04/2009 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 11:43

Edam - they seemed surprised that I was upset which I find bizarre but with hindsight pretty much in keeping with how they are anyway

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 16/04/2009 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 16/04/2009 11:48

I think the IL's sound absolutely ghastly.

How dare they tell the OP not to make a fuss? How dare they? How dare they refuse to tell her the details of the accident?

As everyone says, it's v. difficult to know whether it was an understandable accident or negligence. And why is it difficult to know? Because the OP doesn't know, because the IL's won't tell her! Bloody outrageous.

That's what would piss me off and ring alarm bells for me. Also I'd look at their previous record - if someone's got "form" on this, it would be more of a concern than if this was a one-off.

edam · 16/04/2009 11:48

I was avoiding rising to the bait of your post about them packing your dh off to boarding school at a tender age, but it does sound like their rather different attitudes to motherhood/fatherhood might be coming into play here.

Thing is, ds is your child, so should be your rules, not theirs.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 16/04/2009 11:49

I just hate these "oh get over it, your feelings don't matter" type people. Which is what the IL's sound like to me.

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/04/2009 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jack99 · 16/04/2009 11:50

Cozzie - he fell in, he was fished out quickly, no harm done. Do you know what, I bet he is a lot more sensible around water from now on!

It just seems a shame to restrict children so much that they never get a chance to learn how to be resonsible for themselves, which is the best way to protect them from danger. And yes, even 2 year olds can learn safety lessons.

Of course, you could just strap him to his bed all day and then be absolutely sure he wouldn't be falling in any water!

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 11:58

Edam - I think it's fair to say that my parenting style could not further from mine which I do find problematic. I wasn't going to mention it but it's kind of symptomatic of their attitude
HerBeatitudeLittleBella - my FIL initially said he was holding my DS's hand when he slipped, then said he wasn't. So I still don't know exactly how it happened.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 16/04/2009 11:59

I think it's possible that the ILs do have a more cavalier attitude than OP or I would be comfortable with - but I also think op might be a bit too protective. Accidents are even more likely when dc are not exposed to risks and don't know how to deal with them For example, we have our ironing done as we really hate ironing so dd has never seen us use the iron. One day dh was ironing the hem to repair some curtains and dd reached up and burnt her finger on the iron - because she had no exposure to irons (and because dh wasn't thinking and yes I harangued him soundly over it....).

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 11:59

jack99 - no I would not want to do that!

OP posts:

MarmadukeScarlet · 16/04/2009 12:00

I did stop my MIL having unsupervised care of DD when she was younger as she was so blase about her wellbeing.

After her Christening (aged 14mths) which was (at MIL's insistence) at her home, I asked Granny to look after/watch DD whilst I loaded the car. MIL has a massive 3 acre garden with little useful fencing (onto main roads) and many danger areas like huge pond, massive open drainage/watercress beds, no gates on driveway to main road and some very dangerous ancient rusting climbing frames.

As I was at the car I heard a massive scream from DD, I ran back to DD (around other die of house) and she was sprawled at the bottom of the terrace wall (which we eventually discovered she had clibed from the other side, about 18 inches, and fallen down the other side, about 3 feet) with blood gushing from her face. She had broken a tooth, split her lip and gum and severely grazed about 25% of her face.

When I asked Granny what had happened she told me she didn't know and hadn't seen as she was around the corner watering the flower bed but had only been gone a moment - like that couldn't have waited until my return from the car? Also it would have taken DD a while to climb up.

So OK I know she wasn't horrifically injured, but it just chilled me that she didn't take her safety seriously.

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 12:10

Acinonyx - I think because I know they have laisser-faire attitude which makes me feel so protective
MarmadukeScarlet- how scary. That would have chilled me too

OP posts:

ruty · 16/04/2009 12:20

yes i think it is rather patronising to dismiss your worries about the incident, and rather telling about the fact they don't seem to have learned anything about vigilance from it. Unless they are just covering their feelings of guilt...

jack99 · 16/04/2009 12:21

Cozzie - though I think you are reasonable to be a bit miffed that they are brushing you off. They should at least say they are sorry it happened, though he doesn't appear to have been in any real danger.

My MIL has this attitude of "stop fussing" too. The worst incident was when she took newborn DS for a walk in his pram. On her return she left the pram in the middle of the road (no, not on the pavement but literally in the centre of the road!) while she walked over and knocked on the front door. I saw her from the first floor window and shouted out "please could you move the pram onto the driveway" to which she shrugged and said "oh, he's OK". I had to run down and move the pram myself! Our road is not a main road, but it is next to the entrance to a park so a lot of cars park there and drive out again.

So i can appreciate that a lot of your anger is to do with their rudeness rather than the icident itself.

They should have said "so sorry this happened but we were close by so thankfully no harm done" to which I would reply "don't worry about it, accidents can happen to anyone".

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 12:31

Jack99 - OMG! How frightening for you!

I think you're absolutely right. What I have almost found more upsetting is their attitude. When my DS was just about 1 he knocked over some tea and burned his arm at my parents' house when they were looking after him. My mother was so mortified, upset and apologetic that I was able to say exactly that and we moved on (though she still won't have a hot drink when the kids are around). While I don't expect my ILs to have been prostrate with grief, a proper apology would have been appreciated.

OP posts:

jack99 · 16/04/2009 13:05

Yes, I can see how you must feel. Your ILs are out of order to dismiss your right as a parent to be concerned about your child's welfare.

I think it just made me a bit sad to think that trying to avoid any possibility of danger can take the joy out of a child's life.

I wonder if you might think about trying feeding the ducks and letting your ds out of the pushcahir? I bet he has learned a lesson now and will respect the water a whole lot more now!

smudgethepuppydog · 16/04/2009 13:28

I think you are very justified in being upset that they won't tell you how it happened.

On eof my main reasons for wanting both of my DCs to be able to swim, and swim at an early age was my awareness that I live in an area surrounded by water. I knew that they wouldn't be strong enough to save themselves but knew it would give them the confidence to 'look for the light' if they did topple in. I couldn't swim til I was almost 12 and found it much harder to learn than the small children I've taught to swim. I wanted my children to be confident around water but not be overly cocky about the dangers.

Original poster

cozzie · 16/04/2009 13:28

jack99 - I totally see where you are coming from though he did announce this morning that he didn't like ducks so I shall take it from there...

OP posts:

smudgethepuppydog · 16/04/2009 13:32

This is about so much more than one incident though isn't it? I suspect that if this had been a one-off and they'd come home mortified (as I know I would've been if my GC had fallen in whilst in my care) that you wouldn't have made the OP.

I can laugh about my son falling in now but he was my son and in my care. I know in my heart of hearts that what happened to my DS was a freak accident that could've happened to lots of people. You don't know that hence your reaction.

Nessarose · 16/04/2009 13:47

My DS got pushed in to pils pond, by his older cousion. I had asked pil not to let him out on his own he was 3, his cousion 6 but they did. Had DH and I walked in the gate at that moment I dread to think what would of happened, I jump in and pulled him out. Needless to say I asked what DS was doing out on is own and was told he wasn't he was with his cousion. we ended up taking him to A&E and pils no longer have unsupervised acess.

plug · 16/04/2009 13:57

I do think you should cut your IL's a little slack - they were there, DS was rescued immediately and (crucially), they have raised children to adulthood so know the difference between a life-threatening occurance and a minor mishap (and if DS was pulled out straight away, it's the latter). I think we are all more protective of our first-borns because we don't have the benefit of previous experience - with second and subsequent children, we may well allow them to do more/take greater risks because we have the benefit of experience and I think this is where your IL's are in their attitude.

Saying all that, they should respect your genuine fears and not make fun of you for having them but I really wouldn't stop your children from seeing them.

jack99 · 16/04/2009 14:02

Cozzie - sounds like it has scared him so he will be a lot more careful. Hope he isn't so shaken up that he aviods the ducks for too long though.

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