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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to limit contact with ILs after weekend accident?

121 replies

cozzie · 16/04/2009 08:59

Whilst out with my ILs my 2 year old son fell into an artificial lake. My FIL had to dive in to fish him out. My DS was OK but soaked through. Moreover they seemed to think the whole incident was funny and made jokes about it. I find this sick. I want to cancel future visits for the moment as I don't trust them with my son's safety. My DH thinks I am overreacting.

OP posts:
naturalblonde · 16/04/2009 09:32

I think YABabitU.

My dd (2.6) fell in a duck pond a couple of weeks ago, it was the scariest moment of my life, seeing her little body in the water and she was only in there for about a second. I couldn't joke about it at the time either. Probably because it was my fault she fell in.

I was holding her hand as she fell in, we were knelt down by the edge of the water feeding the ducks when dd2 started to cry, so i turned slightly to grab the buggy and as I did, dd1 decided to try and get some bread back out of the water and fell in.

She's fine. Now she likes to tell everyone she went swimming with the duckies

Your son will be fine, they're probably only joking about it because they're mortified that it happened while he was in their care.

edam · 16/04/2009 09:35

Well, if I'd let someone else's child fall in a pond, I'd be bloody apologetic. Wouldn't be cracking jokes about it.

TotalChaos · 16/04/2009 09:35

yanbu. but don't stop contact completely just unsupervised contact.

greatwhiteshark · 16/04/2009 09:36

YAB totally U!!!! Get a grip!

Children are so bloody molly-coddled nowadays. No harm is going to come to a 2yo falling in a pond if an adult is watching them closely enough to jump in and grab them, which is clearly what happened. You're probably the sort of mum who stands at the bottom of climbing frames while child is climbing up saying 'careful darling, don't go too high, oh dear, I really think you're too high now!'.

Life with children is about weighing up risks - your PIL probably, quite rightly IMHO, thought 'ok, we're near a lake - worst case scenario he falls in, but I'm right next to him and can swim and jump in and get him if he does so all that'll happen is that he'll get a fright and get wet'. Your DS will probably be far more careful in future so the accident has done you a favour - it's a safe accident with a happy outcome. If your DS had been in reins, he'd never learn to be safe because you're the one doing it for him.

mollythetortoise · 16/04/2009 09:36

actually, this could be a good learning situation for all.. a two year old can start to understand the dangers of a pond. they themselves might be more cautious now.. it would be interesting to see their reaction next time you go to feed the ducks.. perhaps now is the time to start some sort of swimming lessons, teaching child not to panic in water, float etc. my dd when 2.5 , who is now 6, slipped in a lagoon in Turkey, water very shallow, up to her tummy. She lay floating on the water , face down as she didn't know how to right herself. Both me and dp ran to her to pick her up. she looked dead/ I booked swimming lessons once we returned home as that really scared me. She didn't know how to lift her head up in a pretty shallow calm bit of water.

theyoungvisiter · 16/04/2009 09:37

In fact my sister fell headfirst in a stream while we were small.

She was squatting by the edge watching the fishes and just leaned out an inch too far - and plop!

She stuck head down in the mud. My grandad just calmly took her feet and pulled her out again. No harm done, and we still joke about it today.

Morloth · 16/04/2009 09:37

YABU.

What is your plan when he has an avoidable accident on YOUR watch?

It will happen, they look for trouble the little buggers.

FIL jumped in immediately which means he was right there and your DS was never in any real danger.

Teach the boy to swim.

DarrellRivers · 16/04/2009 09:40

You need to know the mechanics of the accident
Was it supervised falling in with immediate scooping out, or not concentrating on child with resultant accident
Children drown
This was a serious accident if it was the latter so YANBU
Your DS is 2 , ie not old enough to deal with the consequences of falling into the water, but it sounds like FIL was on the ball to deal with it, so if it was the former YABU

I am of the school of hysterical laughter at scary events

tatt · 16/04/2009 09:41

This is a lovely quote "one day, he is quite likely to have an accident when in your charge: will you stop seeing him then? "

Can understand you be upset they joked about it but that is how some people react when they've had a fright. An adventurous child will have accidents and they were obviously watching closely enough to get him out fast.

greatwhiteshark · 16/04/2009 09:41

Oh, would like to add though, that YANBU in that being your initial reaction, but you do need to take stock and think that really this isn't a big deal. I would have had the same reaction - being furious, never wanting them anywhere near my children again - but I would have given myself a good talking to and realised that actually that is a huge overreaction!

FAQinglovely · 16/04/2009 09:41

well edam - in that case you're obviously not one of those people who deal with shock by using (misguided and usually bad) humour.

cory · 16/04/2009 09:45

from what I have read, children mainly drown when they are not instantly pulled out of the water (as one might expect)

most drowning/brain damage accidents involve children who have wandered near water without an adult knowing, or been left unsupervised in the swimming baths, or who get pulled under by strong currents or waves- probably unlikely in an artificial lake

not children who have the rescuing party jumping in the moment they fall

after all, you can't teach a small child swimming without them occasionally ending up with their head under water

on the face of it, it doesn't sound like the wetting that happened to your ds was any more than what might have happened naturally during swimming

Original poster
cozzie · 16/04/2009 09:51

Hi everyone

Thanks very much for responding!

ruty- I did try to talk to them but I was told not to make a fuss and how funny it was.
I will try to talk to them again next time they come over

cory - agree - I don't want to deprive dss of relationship with grandparents, hence dilemma

mollythetortoise - agree accidents do happen - this is not the first time other occasions less serious but have made me wary rather than looking for excuses. DH had LOTs of accidents as a child so that is niggling at back of my mind too.

LIZS- I was not there. They took him the double buggy with my other ds. The area in question is fenced off and to reach it there are steps. I don't take the kids down there as I don't think it's safe. We do obviously go and feed ducks but I keep the kids in the buggy because I know how wiggly toddlers are.

Thanks again - will try to talk to them again.Suspect they will be very vigilant in future. Sorry I haven't responded to you all individually.

OP posts:
Original poster
cozzie · 16/04/2009 09:55

mollythetortoise - swimming lessons are a very good idea

greatwhiteshark - yes I think I need to step back a bit and take stock, thanks

OP posts:
cory · 16/04/2009 10:01

You can also hang around a bit when he visits them if you have concerns.

(have memories of my MIL minding the children when I was ill: I told dd (6) in confidence that she has to watch grandma when crossing the road with her and little brother, as I didn't trust grandma's traffic sense)

I wouldn't worry too much about your dh having had lots of accidents. Some children are accident prone. My db had them all the time and my other db had a few: I have never had a real accident, never broken anything in my life, never been to A&E- doesn't mean my parents guarded me any more carefully than they guarded my brothers. Our GP told us that he was one of those children who had them all the time too.

My dd (12) has had lots of accidents, my ds (8) has never been to A&E though he is far more active than her. Yet I give him more freedom and let him take more risks (being my second).

MuffinBaker · 16/04/2009 10:05

I think YABU to stop all unsupervised contact and ironically now this has happened, I am sure they will watch him like a hawk.

If they were joking with him - good. It will help to not scare him. If they joked with you - unacceptable.

Original poster
cozzie · 16/04/2009 10:07

MuffinBaker - Yes I can understand them making jokes about to my ds but presenting me with a soaking wet toddler and laughing about it kind of polished me off. Thanks

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 16/04/2009 10:12

I just know if it was me I would be torturing myself with what ifs?

Original poster
cozzie · 16/04/2009 10:14

That's exactly what I've been doing which is making it worse and skewing my judgement. I had a couple of really horrible nightmares.

OP posts:
tengreenbottles · 16/04/2009 10:16

can i just add that as these are your pil ,they have managed to raise at least one child to adulthood ,even with a lot of little accidents along the way . Also when your dh was a child he probably had far more of a free rein as i was to play out unsupervised ,to fall out of trees etc .They probably joked about it because they are not new parents with all the worries that this entails and so can see the funny side of a little soaking . Also this was a lake ,so im presuming as with most lakes the bank slopes away relatively gradually and so your fil had to jump in to get your ds as opposed to dive which would of resulted in serious head injury or death ! In years to come you will probably laugh about this yourself ,for now though i would cut them a little slack.

piscesmoon · 16/04/2009 10:22

Accidents happen-they will be sure not to let it happen again. I think it much better for your DC that they turned it into a joke, rather than frightened him about what might have happened. I expect it is one of those things that will go down in family legend. I have been with my DCs when accidents have happened-it can happen to anyone.

bubblagirl · 16/04/2009 10:23

my ds has nearly done this many a times and ive been watching him making jokes may be away of making light of it not traumatizing the incident so little one doesn't get fear of water etc

i wouldnt stop visits accidents happen even if every effort has been made to prevent them just say you'd feel better for him to have reigns on around water but also he needs to be taught how to, act in these situations also no running off etc hold hand

my ds was always one to pull away and leg it with out moments notice not fair to blame them it could have easily been you

my ds has had few a & e trips whilst in my care all very quick and unstoppable accidents i feel so guilty but clearly remember falling into ponds spraining my arms several times as kid these things happen

its ok to care about your child but to pass blame is not right as one day it will happen to you and when everyone starts telling you what you should or could of done at the time its a terrible feeling as there was nothing you could do

it sounds to me it was very quick but you fil obviously was close enough and quick enough to have stopped it from being serious there fore he had done nothing wrong they were watching him to have responded so quick

edam · 16/04/2009 10:27

They told you not to make a fuss? Flaming cheek and highly irresponsible IMO.

Original poster
cozzie · 16/04/2009 10:29

edam - yes that didn't make me feel much better

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 16/04/2009 10:34

I fell into a mountain tarn fully clothed aged 6 when my parents had left me with my older siblings to go back to pick up something that had been dropped. They told us to stay on the path away from the tarn, but kids being kids (or me being me) I still wandered over to the tarn and fell in and was unable to swim (although I could) because of the weight of my clothes.

Was it a disaster? Was I taken from my parents' care by Social Services? Of course not! The story entered family lore and all my children know about it. I have happy memories of wearing only my sister's pants and spare jumper all the way back down the mountain while my family carried my wet clothes, waving them around in the air to dry. My parents were very strict parents too before you all think they were liberal minded hippies, and my father is terrified of water because he nearly drowned as a boy. I guess they were just happy they rescued me in time and no harm was done, rather as you should be about your own son.

I agree with greatwhiteshark re kids being molly coddled these days, and I also agree with everyone who said your pils were probably laughing to hide their embarrassment.

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