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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that I am forced to be a SAHM

126 replies

StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 22:49

I have 2.4 yr old and a 7 month old.

Childcare in the nurseries around here are in the £60 a day per child region (although childminders a 'little' cheaper) which means I will have to earn twice that nett per day. There is a shortage of childcare so prices are high.

DH's salary is okay, but if I earnt that on top then we wouldn't be entitled to tax credits. Childcare vouchers only scrape the surface.

I like being a SAHM, but having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated.

I didn't research the childcare consequences before I had 2 so close together so I'm silly for that, but now I feel forced into a position that I didn't exactly choose.

OP posts:
AnnieLobePassoverSeder · 13/04/2009 22:52

I'm in the same position, and I hate being a SAHM! I feel totally suffocated, like you say, like I'm losing my own identity and all sense of self.

'Tis very annoying that the average salary doesn't cover childcare for two children. It puts a lot of families in a difficult position - can't afford to live on one salary, can't afford for both parents to work and cover childcare.

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 22:59

Starlight, it does not sound ideal.

£60 a day is really high. Is this London?

Is that for under 2s? I believe nursery fees drop once the child hits 2 and then after 3, the surestart grant kicks in.

Maybe after a year and a bit, you can start looking for work again/

Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 23:02

I think there are long term economic consequences that arise from being out of the workplace for too long, so I wonder if it is possible for you to explore parttime working with family picking up the slack or doing another degree or something just to protect your own position and keep ticking over.

mrsboogie · 13/04/2009 23:03

It's harsh - its the having no choice that makes it so difficult. I have no choice but to work and I have one child and will never be able to have another because of the cost of childcare.

Stefka · 13/04/2009 23:04

So hard for people to do what they want to do. I have to go back full time but don't want to. Wanted to be a SAHM. So sad that people are not able to do make the choices that they want for their families.

Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:04

I stupidly thought that childcare would be manageble, reasonable even.

What I didn't realise was that so many Grandparents provide childcare for free which isn't an option for me.

I'd also heard that you get help with childcare costs. Well yes, you do, but not enough to make working feasible.

It's silly because I always thought my DH and I had reasonable salaries. Clearly we must have well below average since nursery prices must be based on the market!?

We are finding it very difficult on one salary. We don't have mobile phone contracts or sky tv and run one 10yr old car that is NEVER used during the daytime (saves petrol). I push the double buggy between 3-8 miles a day.

Like I said I like being a SAHM, but didn't realise I wouldn't have a choice in the matter and it sometimes gets me down.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/04/2009 23:05

Starlight - how much worse off would you be (or is it just you wouldn't be better off iyswim) - is it worth (or can you afford) this much for you to be happy?

Do they not offer sibling discount? How about a nanny? Working evenings? Working part time?

There must be a solution that will make you feel a bit better about things??

violethill · 13/04/2009 23:08

It's not a nice situation but a very common one. You do have some choice: as Quattro says, you can look at the longer term view and maybe work even if all of one salary goes on childcare, or even if it costs you to work - I was in this situation when I had two at nursery, but I reasoned that my children were getting a fantastic nursery experience that we wouldn't have been able to afford without me working.

And as someone else pointed out, there may be vouchers etc once your child is a little older. Once one is in school, it all gets a little more reasonable and cheaper (although the logistics of out of school care get more tricky!!).

Welcome to the world of parenthood!

Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:08

Blueshoes Yes, London, - well close to London anyhow. It might be more than £60 as this was 2 years ago.

I'm sorry mrsboogie I suppose I am lucky that I wanted 2, and have 2 and am 'just about' surviving.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:14

Chipping Around here Nannies cost about £30k (can't remember whether that is with or without tax) so I'd have to earn that nett.

I don't think I could do a whole day with my pre-schoolers and then work evenings and/or weekends, - so perhaps I don't have it so hard because I guess if I HAD to I would.

No sibling discount. No need. The nurseries are oversubscribed.

LOL Quattro assuming I have a degree!

OP posts:
violethill · 13/04/2009 23:14

It's also worth remembering Starlight, that those people who use grandparents for free childcare because they can't afford anything else haven't actually got choice either. There is no evidence that using grandparents is 'better' for the child (in fact many studies show that properly regulated childcare leads to better outcomes). So although it's sometimes tempting to feel a twinge of envy (I certainly did when handing over my entire salary to the nursery!) at least I knew that I was choosing the childcare I wanted and not just having to use whatever was available and free.

Dalrymps · 13/04/2009 23:14

I thought you could get up to 80% of your childcare costs paid if you both work over 16hrs a week? Is this right? I'm not sure myself, just what I briefly read on the tax credits site.

Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:16

violett I know. Thank you for reminding me. I'm doing 'stuff' that should keep my CV going. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and a little angry that there is a perception out there that SAHM's a lucky to be able to afford to be.

Tisn't always the reality.

OP posts:
swanriver · 13/04/2009 23:18

You are doing really well Starlight, I think it's just with small children it is very hard work unending it seems. It probably wouldn't be any less hard if you were working as well, even if there were a few extra pounds in the kitty. You sound fit and wonderful, who cares about SKY and boring mobile phone contracts, and flash cars depreciating faster than light.

Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:18

Dalrymps Perhaps you can, but not on our combined salary if I worked.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:20

I think you can get £170, which in some places (although I can't imagine where) is 80% of childcare costs.

Or perhaps it is what the government thinks SHOULD be the cost of childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:25

Aw, thanks swanriver. I think I'm just having a wobble right now because my additional unpaid maternity leave is coming to an end and I have to give in my notice at work, and it isn't completely my decision to leave.

I'm generally optimistic about things and belive that things have a way of working themselves out but it is a scary time for me. I'll never get back into the career I'm leaving because I hadn't really got off the ground in it before I had children.

OP posts:
swanriver · 13/04/2009 23:27

I think that deep down we feel undervalued being SAHM, as if somehow we have left the card carrying taxpaying workforce. It's a job like any other, and you should value yourself doing it even if it has its VERY TEDIOUS MOMENTS.

swanriver · 13/04/2009 23:34

x-post, I see that would be quite a wrench, that feeling of disappearing, whereas before you were on maternity leave sort of officially still at work even if on leave. It must be very frustrating not to be able to weigh up pros and cons of going back to work, and just feel it's impossible and out of your hands.

Original poster
StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 23:35

I think I worry for the financial future of the family if I drop out of the workforce.

I'll be approaching 40 with no career, forced into a job that I hate that fits into school hours with a boss who is a bully and far less qualified than me and have to be grateful because I'll be lucky to have the job.

We can't afford long-term for me to not work, and the job I am leaving is a good one.

Like I said though I like being a SAHM the majority of the time but that isn't ALL me.

I wish women didn't have such difficult choices. It's not really an equal playing field is it?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 23:44

"We can't afford long-term for me to not work, and the job I am leaving is a good one."

Then don't leave the job. Take a career break for a year or go back part-time now.

violethill · 13/04/2009 23:45

It sounds as though you're having a crisis of confidence and imagining the worst case scenario in the future.

I get the feeling from your posts that you returned to work after the first child but can't afford to now you have two? If that's the case, then I would seriously think about whether it's worth hanging on in there, even if you're out of pocket in the short term, for the sake of the long term benefits? I was in a very similar position. We had dc1, I returned to work quite quickly but we put off having dc2 longer than we would have liked precisely because of childcare costs. Then I accidently got pg with dc3 very quickly and ended up with the two youngest both in nursery for several years! There are just no easy solutions, but tbh I am really glad I returned to work, as I wouldn't be in the senior position I'm in now if I'd had a long time out of the workplace.

I think it also helps to not view this as a 'women's' issue. Try to see it as a parenting one. You are both parents, you are both capable of working and of parenting, and if you decide that you will both work, then you are both contributing towards the care for your child.

swanriver · 13/04/2009 23:52

But it is only a short time, in the scheme of things, three years perhaps. Anything could happen. I feel it has gone so quickly that time when I was completely central to my children's upbringing. Don't cast yourself as powerless, you aren't, your skills in the workplace won't vaporise, you will still have them. If you were going back and it made financial sense, you would feel other fears and doubts. Nothing is easy. I don't think it is any easier for men once they start supporting a family, they can't necessarily follow their star either.

Sorrento · 13/04/2009 23:54

Gosh imagine, having to look after, like your own kids must be bloody awful

sleeplessinstretford · 14/04/2009 00:05

it's not all ball pools and coffee morningssorrento dear-i love being at home with my daughter and being about for the evenings.What i object to is that this was not my choice(i was made redundant) i would like to do something-anything for me/my career. I am doing voluntary work and erm piddling around trying other stuff-there are no jobs for people with my skill set/experience and therefore i have no choice either-i was knocked back for a bloody interview for a 6 hours a week job in boots-that's a bit soul destroying...

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