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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that I am forced to be a SAHM

126 replies

StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 22:49

I have 2.4 yr old and a 7 month old.

Childcare in the nurseries around here are in the £60 a day per child region (although childminders a 'little' cheaper) which means I will have to earn twice that nett per day. There is a shortage of childcare so prices are high.

DH's salary is okay, but if I earnt that on top then we wouldn't be entitled to tax credits. Childcare vouchers only scrape the surface.

I like being a SAHM, but having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated.

I didn't research the childcare consequences before I had 2 so close together so I'm silly for that, but now I feel forced into a position that I didn't exactly choose.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 14/04/2009 00:07

Oh FGS That's NOT what she said.

swanriver · 14/04/2009 00:09

Sorrento, are you being horrible to someone with small children? Tis not allowed on Mumsnet. OP is feeling down. It is awful sometimes.

violethill · 14/04/2009 00:09

Exactly sleepless - it's the lack of choice which grinds people down. Although ball pools and coffee morning...eugh! Leaves me cold!

I don't think I've ever met any parent, working or not, who says they don't enjoy looking after their own children (and we all do look after our children you know, whether we work or not!). But the OP is frustrated and worried because she would like to have the choice to be a parent and go to work.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:09

Right now lots of people don't have choices about where and when they work it's bloody tough out there at the moment.
I feel a damn sight more sorry for the woman forced to put her children into shitty childcare because she has to work than you being forced to mother your own kids I'm afraid.
I agree it's not all coffee mornings and roses, but it is what you make of it, so enjoy these years, you'll never get them back.

violethill · 14/04/2009 00:13

That's a really offensive post Sorrento.

Are you suggesting that a mother who works doesn't parent her own kids? Does this apply to fathers as well? Is it only fathers who are around all day, unemployed, who are fathering their children?

The OP is obviously having a crisis of confidence and genuinely worrying about giving up a good job. That's not something to sneer at.

mrsboogie · 14/04/2009 00:15

She's not being forced to mother her own kids - she'd be their mother whether she worked or not.

Tortington · 14/04/2009 00:15

they are bloody hard years - and quite frankly - i don't pissing want them back.

offensive sorrento - badly worded at best - i hope it was unintentional

sleeplessinstretford · 14/04/2009 00:16

grits teeth-rictus grin
i love it-i just can't remember the last time i had anything interesting to talk about/anything without snot on to wear/wasn't eating about 6 meals a day as i have lunch at half 11 with the baby...
it's hard,you know,your job even if you hate it gives you freedom/security/independence/time- i literally don't get time to shit during the day-i try to vary things and find myself getting worked up over lunch for 2 one year olds when in my old job i was organising events with sit down meals for fucking hundreds...it's a change and change is not always good...erosion of choice is shit and it can be very difficult to handle that kind of thing...on friday night i was out with the girls-in some stupid members bar etc etc i actually became mildly hysterical had had a few scoops by this time when i told someone i was a housewife...which is in effect what i am...

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:18

Well alright mother from 9-5 as well as 5-9, the point is hell there are worse things that could happen.

There are people would die for the opportunity so try looking at it that way instead of moaning about it.
Very Unreasonable IMO

sleeplessinstretford · 14/04/2009 00:20

i think her issue is that due to money she doesn't have a choice-she's as much a victim here as i am and as the mothers who work full time and have no choice-none of us have choice in the matter-cut the girl a bit of slack for fucks sakes

violethill · 14/04/2009 00:21

Nope still totally offensive sorrento.

I am a mother 24/7. I don't stop being a mother when I'm at work. Do your children stop being your children while they're at school/at a friends/out with dad? Thought not.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:22

Well no not really, she's a victim, hilarious.
Some people really do need to get a grip.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:23

They don't stop being my children but am I parenting them whilst they are at school/with dad/friends of course I'm not my body and mind are else where.

sleeplessinstretford · 14/04/2009 00:25

hang on-you're the one being rather horrid to her about this-i've tried to put a different slant on it but you clearly are unwilling to see it,which is fine-so agree to disagree but don't flame the poor cow for feeling a bit lost eh? it's pretty shitty to be on the scrap heap professionally at 35,with 2 kids,a mortgage and going into a depression...

violethill · 14/04/2009 00:27

Well I'm a mother all the time and my DH is a father all the time.

How sad that some people demean parenting as something that only happens between fixed periods of time.

sleeplessinstretford · 14/04/2009 00:30

as my user name would indicate-i've had my 2 hours more than 5m away from darling daughter II and she's currently crying (in our bed obviously)asking for me-goodnight all..
how does one get onto the fixed time parenting please? i'd like 'between 7pm and 7am' free please...

swanriver · 14/04/2009 00:33

Starlight, YANBU. Hope your baby sleeps well tonight, and you too, and tomorrow seems brighter.
Spring is here!
Sleepless hope you get a good night's sleep too. I remember spending a whole morning going to M & S to buy luxury goujons for a visiting 2 year old because I was so worried she wouldn't eat what I gave my children and would tell her mother she had had horrible food.

abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 00:35

I'm a working mum and I too find Sorrento's posts offensive.
I'm a mother all day...
When I'm doing housework before they get up so I can spend more time with them.
When I'm taking phonecalls in the day because one of them is slightly under the weather.
When I'm working through my lunchbreak so I can get out on time to pick them up.
When I'm doing paperwork at eleven o'clock at night because I brought it home rather than stay late, and didn't start on it until they were in bed.

If you feel you are only a parent when yur kids are in the room, I feel sorry for you tbh. Well,I feel sorry for your children at any rate.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:37

What bollox
It's not case of only happening between certain times but I think you're stretching the truth if you're trying to claim that you "parent" your child whilst you're at work.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 14/04/2009 00:37

Sorrento: if you are obliged to WOH because of your own economic situation but would rather be a SAHM then your sniping is understandable, but if you are one of those silly bitches who is actually pretty much unemployable because you think that having a womb makes you unsuitable for doing anything that engages your brain then stick to your cupcakes.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:39

Yes of course because there are only two options aren't there, saving the world being wonder woman or being a domestic drudge baking cup cakes all day.

abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 00:40

Ah, so you are a SAHM.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:42

Rightly or wrongly I want to give the OP a shake and say open your bloody eyes and look at what's in front of you instead of complaining what you haven't got. Is that allowed on Mumsnet ?

Right now I am a SAHM and no not through choice particularly either but you make the best of it don't you and be grateful you've got one income right now.

Tortington · 14/04/2009 00:44

are parents the major influencer, guidence, nutritioner and educator - even when the child is at school from 9 - 3?

even if you sorrento - take your child to school at 8.50 and pick them up at 3.05

are you not the parent of your child?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 14/04/2009 00:45

No, Sorrento, there are lots of possible ways to live, but some people's circumstances (that's everything about their situations, such as presence/absence of grandparents, number of children, area they live in, wage earned by any wage-earner in the household, etc) mean that they have to live a life that makes them miserable or keeps them in poverty. But you seem to think that having a vagina is the only thing needed to equip one for the cupcake-and-pinny lifestyle and that not to accept this is some sort of moral failing.