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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that I am forced to be a SAHM

126 replies

StarlightMcEggzie · 13/04/2009 22:49

I have 2.4 yr old and a 7 month old.

Childcare in the nurseries around here are in the £60 a day per child region (although childminders a 'little' cheaper) which means I will have to earn twice that nett per day. There is a shortage of childcare so prices are high.

DH's salary is okay, but if I earnt that on top then we wouldn't be entitled to tax credits. Childcare vouchers only scrape the surface.

I like being a SAHM, but having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated.

I didn't research the childcare consequences before I had 2 so close together so I'm silly for that, but now I feel forced into a position that I didn't exactly choose.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 00:45

It's just that your views seem a bit closed, that's all. I resent the suggestion that I'm a part time mum, just because I'm working outside the home. I don't have much choice either, and I don't need people like you making me feel bad about it.

Tortington · 14/04/2009 00:48

but sorrento - i could go on any thread and say - look at your situation - compared to others.. your bloody lucky.

but it rather stifles discussion and support.

lets pretend there is a thread titled 'MY SON HAS FLIUD ON THE LUNGS'
saying..you've got one ill child.... oh well look on the bright side you have two healthy ones - and lets face it there are plenty of people worse off than you....well its kinda not helpful is it!

Quattrocento · 14/04/2009 00:49

I didn't read the OP as being whingey - I think she is realising the consequences of parenthood on her work, and rightly considering what the outcome will be in the longer term.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:49

Solid - you seem to have a cut and paste argument you trot out every time, this isn't a SAHM v's WM argument, have you not had one for a while ?

This is about not appreciating that sometimes life is just like that and there are far worse situations the OP could find herself in like the reverse situation.

If you'd like to start a riot SAHM v's WM thread I'm sure Xenia is still up

abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 00:51

I agree with custardo. It's one thing to say 'yes, I sympathise but look on the brightside, at least you're not forced to work', but your posts have been unsupportive to say the least.

Sorrento · 14/04/2009 00:51

Well custardo maybe that's what we should do count our blessings, it's bound to be better for everyone's mental health.

Tortington · 14/04/2009 00:53

i think in the ops situation having unsupportive messages along those lines sorrento, would be anything but condusive to my stable mental health.

abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 00:57

I do agree with the 'count your blessings' argument in principle, but sometimes it's about the way you word things. People come on here for support and friendship. It's good to know when it's appropriate to give someone a kick up the arse, and when it's better to just listen and sympathise.

cherryblossoms · 14/04/2009 01:02

I think if we counted our blessings there is a risk that many of us would be living as peasants.

counting blessings/looking on the bright side is good, sometimes.

But even better is a discourse which helps you frame the exact nature of what you are feeling, so that you can communicate it to yourself and to others. and ideally, a discourse that sets out a path for dealing with/and transforming stuff if it is not doing you good.

there are lots of discourses about what the OP is feeling; feminism is a big one. alas, feminism has been somewhat riven by the differences between women, and the differences around parenting are a indeed a difference.

Starlight - as others have said, there is something about the lack of choice that can make anything unpleasurable. If you were locked up in paradise, it would be a nightmare. Yes, caring for children is sooo important, but there is very little day-today acknowledgement of it.

It's not wrong to want more, even if you don't know what it is - yet. remember, if people hadn't had that seed of wanting more, we'd be wandering around in grass shoes and not travelling much (because there's no wheel).

mrsboogie · 14/04/2009 01:02

The OP's point was "having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated"

is that not something we can all sympathise with? whether forced to work outside the home not being able to continue a career it is a shame that in this day and age so many women don't have a choice.

cherryblossoms · 14/04/2009 01:05

Sorry - rather fear my post made little sense. You put it much better, Mrsboogie.

abbierhodes · 14/04/2009 01:13

Makes sense to me Cherry, and I agree with it. Lack of choice is a difficult thing to cope with.

I also don't understand why mothers (parents in general, I suppose) can't just support each other. At the end of the day,we're all trying to do the best for our kids. We might not agree on what the best is, and we might have different ways of getting there, but surely we all share a common goal?
Soemtimes being a parent is a bit shit, whatever your circumstances. Being made to feel bad about choices you make (or lack of choices) isn't helpful.

swanriver · 14/04/2009 01:14

I think you put it brilliantly Cherryblossoms, you immediately made me think of that line in the song, written don't know by whom, All God's children need travelling shoes.
Anyway off to bed now.

standanddeliver · 14/04/2009 08:11

"But it is only a short time, in the scheme of things"

I've got three children who are all in full-time childcare/school, from 9am to 3pm. I've just packed a three day a week job in because it wasn't economical for me to have to pay before and after school care costs for three children, plus the costs of holiday care. There was also the misery on my children's faces when I dropped them off at 'breakfast club' on the mornings I was working (for 'breakfast club' read smelly, echoing junior hall where 25 kids milled around aimlessly before school, supervised by two bored looking women).

I've decided that my children need what I had: a mum to drop them off and pick them up from school.

I have struggled with this emotionally as well. What I've found the hardest thing to deal with is the fact that even if I could financially afford to work and even if my kids were ok about me not being there, I would still struggle with the workload of running a family of 5 while holding down a busy job. I only started the job I've just given up 8 weeks ago and I'm knackered - practically on my knees. I feel like I've been on a relentless treadmill with life flashing past in a blur of 'busyness', faster and faster.

Honestly - I'd rather be poor and have some time to enjoy my children and my partner.

standanddeliver · 14/04/2009 08:22

Sorry - should have added that it's not so much having a mum around, it's about having a parent around, or a grandparent. If I could earn enough to keep my family afloat and dh was willing and able to be there for the children I'd be happy to let him do it. He's a great dad. But he earns twice what I do and it's going to have to be him going out to work. If my mum was 15 years younger and lived next door I'd be just as happy for her to be with my children when I wasn't around for them before and after school....

It's just that someone needs to be there for the children before and after school. And families and households don't run themselves. Work + running a home = insane busyness, and that's not good for anyone.

violethill · 14/04/2009 09:08

solidgold - brilliant 00:37 post!!

sorrento - your first post on this thread was:
'Gosh imagine, having to look after, like your own kids must be bloody awful'

Don't try to pretend this is encouraging the OP to count their blessings, or look on the bright side. It was sheer bitchy sniping, because you obviously find it hard to accept that many parents are doing a perfectly good job of parenting but would also like to go out to work too.

piscesmoon · 14/04/2009 09:15

I never know why people have to say what is best for other people. I was a SAHM but it suited me, I could afford it and I loved it. Some people don't love it-it doesn't make them an inferior parent. One method of motherhood doesn't suit all.

ruddynorah · 14/04/2009 09:18

OP you seem to be dismissing some of your options..such as working weekends or evenings. i do evenings (5-10pm) as do my team who are mostly mums or students. i don't think i'm a mean boss nor less qualified than them .

also, what about your dh? what choices or changes is he making in all this or is he leaving that all up to you? i expect that must be suffocating?

missmapp · 14/04/2009 09:21

I have two ds and work three days a week. Childcare ( they are both in nursery) is about £60 per day for them both so it works out at about half my salary - thats ok and gives us a welcome financial boost. Im not far from London, and the nursery is grt ( just graded outstanding by OFSTED) but is small and not run by a big chain, these are much more expensive. Have you researched all the nurseries in your area, it maybe possible to work . ( i get no help from the gov, not even child tax credits now ds2 is over 1, I wish i did!)

standanddeliver · 14/04/2009 09:26

My SIL pays £70 per day for a nanny to come to her house and care for her two children. She pays that little because the nanny brings her own child with her........

OP - you should seek out the Children's Informatin Services in your area and ask for some more advice on childcare. If you really want and need to work I'm sure there could be a way of doing it.

For me choosing not working is about more than just the cost of childcare, it's about the general quality of life for me and my children, (and my dh) when I'm working.

fraggletits · 14/04/2009 09:40

Hey Op - I totally understand how you feel I'm in exactly the same position...

SAHM to a 3yr old and a 9month old. I am unable to work because financially I would be at a loss, No Grandparents anywhere near us, DH has his own business and works all the hours God sends to keep us afloat (that's evening and weekends) and we are suffering financially because of this.

Some days I really try and make the best of it, I can be organised and together and having fun, and then other days I feel like I just can't carry on...like my back is breaking, I'm a non-person and I'm pulled in so many different directions I don't know where to start.

It's important when you're feeling low to be able to off-load your feelings somewhere and you're right to post here because this is Mumsnet, a support network. Ignore any mealy-mouthed spiteful posts you may have received over this, I bet you're doing a great job

chimchar · 14/04/2009 09:43

starlight...
are you able to take a career break from work? take two years off or whatever and go back in? i don't know if this is possible for lots of people, but it may keep your foot in the door whilst allowing you to stay at home in the short term.

are you able to spend your time at home training in something or taking up a hobby that you enjoy to give you some pocket money? (jewellery making? reiki? reflexology? languages? computing...you get my drift?) lots of colleges and adult centres offer free creche places. it sounds a bit shit, but may open some doors for you, and at the list will give you an interest outside of your kids.

i work evenings and saturdays. it is bloody hard work doing childcare all day and working when you feel like flopping into a chair, but it has worked for us as a family and keeps our childcare costs to zoro! are you able to look at p/t work doing this?

chimchar · 14/04/2009 09:45

sorry bout shit typing AGAIN!

i meant at the LEAST will give you an interest outside of your kids.

Beachcomber · 14/04/2009 09:46

Childcare is a nightmare for lots of us though isn't it. I have just spent 3 years being a SAHM to two little children and frankly can't WAIT for September when the youngest will be 3 years old and will get a free school place. We live in France so children start school at 3, although the first couple of years are similar to nursery.

I have started working with a friend running an online business which I am going to work my butt off to make sure works as it will be a way for me to be my own boss and manage my childcare. I just don't see how I could manage childcare if I went back to my old job teaching English (adults so not school hours).

I cannot imagine dropping a 3 year old and a 5 year old off at "breakfast club" at 7.30 am, leaving them at school all day to have lunch there, then to go to "after school club" till 5.30/6.00pm. Of course I would do this if there was no other option but I'm bloody determined that there is going to be another option. And what would I do during the holidays or when they are sick? Like a lot of people I have no family around to help and ADH who works long hours.

It is a frustrating business all round I think.

Beachcomber · 14/04/2009 09:50

BTW by saying it is a problem for lots of people I mean I feel as though I am in the same boat as the OP and sympathise with her situation. I just read my post back and it sounds like I'm being dismissive of her concerns when I mean the opposite. SORRY!!

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