To feel that I am forced to be a SAHM

[StarlightMcEggzie]

I have 2.4 yr old and a 7 month old.

Childcare in the nurseries around here are in the £60 a day per child region (although childminders a 'little' cheaper) which means I will have to earn twice that nett per day. There is a shortage of childcare so prices are high.

DH's salary is okay, but if I earnt that on top then we wouldn't be entitled to tax credits. Childcare vouchers only scrape the surface.

I like being a SAHM, but having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated.

I didn't research the childcare consequences before I had 2 so close together so I'm silly for that, but now I feel forced into a position that I didn't exactly choose.

hi starlight

i thought it was just me with this dilemma! I've been (almost) a SAHM for 7 years now - it just makes one realise just exactly how much support a mother needs to be able to go back to some form of meaningful work - fortunately for me, i was pretty ancient having DD anyway, so I'd done the "career" thing. Although I have a rather crummy Saturday job now, I don't really envy those with higher-powered lifestyles who seem to be constantly on the go, with hurried, done-it-all children and mortgages up to their eyeballs although it would be nice to have had the choice.

Starlight, you have lots of options and are making contacts every step of the way. If I had my way, the government should be investing a lot more in children's services. It is so worthwhile. It will work out for you, I know it. Enjoy those chocolates!

Another one in the same boat here.

I do try to see the positives and to enjoy parts of every day. But some days it's just shit and you're so bound up with the drudgery of it all that you are virtually incapable of enjoying your children anyway.

I could maybe work evenings or weekends, but I already feel I do a ludicrously demanding job for about 20 hours a day (DS2 still bf all the time) and to then have to go out in the only times of the week my husband is at home would frankly kill me.

I do intend to do something, maybe some freelancing from home ideally. But at the moment I don't, (as someone else said) have time to go to the loo, let alone start a website and get networking...

"I have just registered and had the funding agreed to train as an NCT antenatal teacher"

Good luck. I hope you enjoy your training as much as I did. Had done a BA, an MA and a PGCE before doing my DIPHE in Antenatal Education. The DIPHE was by far the best course I have done - very rigorous, very challenging, lots of fun. Just as hard work as my PGCE, but spread over a longer period.

You'll love it!

Starlight - I think one of the terrible things I realised about being a parent was that I was no longer in a position to be able to make the best choices for me, or even the best choices for us as a family, but instead had to plump for the least worse choice.
I'm in what many would see as a very enviable position, hell it is incredibly enviable. I could go back to work and earn more than childcare (especially now my kids are at school), but have a very high earning dh, and anything that I earn wouldn't make a difference to our family budget. Me being out at work and therefore not at home looking after him and the kids would make a big difference to his stress levels, and therefore to his earning capacity, so to maximise our family income, and therefore shorten the length of time he has to work, I need to SAH. It almost killed me, literally, because the lack of choice and control I felt I had over my life exacerbated issues from my childhood and made me severely depressed and suicidal. It's taken a lot of time and therapy (and yes, I know I'm fortunate to have had the medical insurance to be able to afford that) to get me better. One of the things that made me feel terrible was the sense that I shouldn't be feeling bad at all - I had a seemingly idyllic life, so I should be extremely happy and not have any "wobbles" - I felt so damned guilty every time I read about someone on here who was having what I saw as "real" problems.

But it is incredibly important to be allowed to complain when things go wrong -even if things are worse for other people. So you are perfectly right to be pissed off at your lack of choice, and you should get angry and pissed off at the deviation from your plan. And then do exactly what you are doing and accept that sometimes life is crap and make the most of it.

starlight, if its any consolation. I look after my three kids in the day (although one is at school and one is at preschool part time). Then I go out to work every evening from 5 - 8. My partner comes home and looks after the children and puts them to bed etc.

Yes it is hard and it is bloody knackering but its the best option. I didn't want to be a stay at home mum as I enjoy having my own financial independence but this way I get to be with them in the day then I go out to work and only miss the bed time routine which I have quite enough of at the weekend (not fun in our house).

If there is a position out there for you that works well you can strike a balance without having to fork out for childcare - which I can't even think about affording with three!

AH, havent reda all of posts so this prob been done to death...
lots of people in the sam epositon,we have 1 dd and thinking of baby no 2, have resigned myself to working for nothing in the short term have no family to help out, and know that finances will be better in a few years time. so i know that long term sacrifice will be worthwhile - but i would have loved more time off with dd.
get yourself on an evening course or ou- im sure they will do free or reduced rates, at least you can get some qualifications in your time off and it may help with your frustrations

Thanks again everyone,

hotbot My DH earns too much for me to get free courses, but not enough for childcare once the bills are paid.

Thanks for your contribution Prufrock. I can see myself being very of your position not knowing the true story. I can see now that people that I might think 'have it all' also can have limited or difficult choices.

standanddeliver Thanks for the wishes. I think I'm going to enjoy it, although I'm getting a bit of an impression that the people who do it are doing it as a hobby rather than to add to the household income. There seem to be lots of hidden costs.

Still, as blueshoes suggested I'll get to make contacts working with the Children's centres (due to DS's SN) and may be able to offer courses there working alongside the HVs.

Thanks again to everyone that has posted. I do KNOW that there are plenty of positives and that I have a good plan B. It is just sad that plan A isn't an option and it is a shock because I THOUGHT that the government helped with childcare, or at least that it wouldn't consume a whole salary plus more.

Starlight - you do need to be a bit clever about covering your costs. The NCT doesn't make it all that easy sometimes. Talk to other students and practicing teachers on the Yahoo list about how they've done it. You'll get good tips about doing it on the cheap.

Two years after qualifying the money I earn from my teaching is good - I teach just 4 hours a week and attend approximately one two hour postnatal reunion a month. This nets me about £560 a month, which is not to be sneezed at given that I have no childcare costs (I organise my reunions for times when dh can do childcare). I feel like it's worth the time and effort I put into qualifying.

Hope you feel encouraged now!

PS: The NCT also gave me some money for childcare, when I was really struggling to get my essays written for lack of help at home!

starlight i kinda know what you mean, however i normally love being a sahm

but last night dh is like i don't know what time i will be home tomorrow but it will be late, he does have a very demaning job.
so i start thinking oh what will we do when dds at school then.
h can't guarantee that he could be back by 6pm, so if dd was in after school care, which atm i hope she won't be, but you never know when you might want to change your mind do you.

i like being a sahm but i like doing it thorough choice.

Thank you standanddeliver That is very helpful, and kind of you to publish the figures.

jeanpoole Were you hoping to get a career when the kids had started school?

I havn't got time to read through all the thread and it must have been said before, but sometimes part time work around your DH's hours is the way to go. I work every Friday and Saturday and enjoy it as I'm at home with the children (well my youngest anyway) most of the time but also have some financial independence and some much needed adult conversation!

Oh no pinkmagic1 My DH would put any amount of money I specify into my bank account if I asked. I just can't see many chances of promotion in a 2 day job.

Still, I am a girl with a plan and I'm sure I regain my identity shortly.

No disrespect to you meant at all OP. My DH wouldn't deny me a penny either but I feel better buying something with money I have
earned myself, thats just me and I realise others may feel differently. Personally I don't work, looking for promotion and to further my career at the minute just to earn my own money and to have a break from the kids. LOL

Starlight, also in a very similar position, it is frustrating. I'd love to work 3 days part time ideally, and have just found a childminder for £24 per day (with DH's tax relief scheme at work it works out at about £16 per day - hooray!) so can see light at the end of the tunnel as ds2 heads towards his 2nd birthday.

My eldest also shows signs of ASD so I understand that you want to ensure he's in the right setting for him, one that will help him with SALT, and understand and work with his condition. Choosing a nursery becomes about more than cost when SN is involved. It's very wearing to be at home with a child with ASD (and ds, if he has it, is very mild) plus a baby all day, so I totally understand the desire to return to work, for all the reasons you've mentioned. It's exactly how I feel.

op, I was in your position and I had to give up a job I enjoyed where I earned good money due to lack of childcare

I now work in a dead end job that fits around the school hours

BUT its not the end of the world, sometimes you just have to grin and bear it being a parent

Starlight,
So you work in the public sector? In that case I am guessing they are one of those organisations who say they support flexible working, family friendly arrangements etc but actually when you ask say 'Oh no, 3 days a week is no good'
BUT they should not be able to refuse you a career break - I know someone who took several years off this way - so put in your request for that and see if you can get a 2 or 3 year break. At least then you will know you can go back to your work or something similar at that point, and your youngest will be in nursery with the Sure Start grant by then.

I'm sure you've looked but are there no CMs locally who would do PT childcare? Could you search for another mum who would halve the week with you at the CMs, maybe?

Your plans all sound good and will keep your brain active. I'd echo the posters saying look for opportunities to work for yourself, as it were.

I also have no family nearby so the grandparents as child care option isn't there for me either. I am currently in a job that will allow me to work flexibly, but where cuts are currently being made, so when I go back (I'm on ML right now) I will be grovelling and looking for ways to make myself as indispensible as possible to try to stay in it, so my family life will be easier. I do also really like my job, so all round I am desperate to hang on

Eighties Thank you for your post. I don't work in the public sector. However, my immediate colleagues have public sector mentality to some extent, and so do my immedate line management. Although they are all men with SAHWs so we'll see.

CMs (if you can get one at all here) do not do part-time generally, and those that do for their own reasons have VERY long waiting lists.

sickofthisrain and ssd Thanks!

Forgot to say, they didn't raise my salary with inflation last year like they did to everyone else, because 'you've not been here for a year so how can you have earned it?'

Hi Starlight, just wanted to offer sympathies really but shocked re your salary issue. Surely an inflation related rise has nothing to do with performance or whether you´re actually working at that point? A NEW staff member would be employed on the higher salary so why shouldn´t you? Seems bizarre to me. Is it legal?

I don't know sachertorte but it was very quickly resolved with one phonecall to the top HR person. I didn't even have to mention discrimination or anything.

I just mentioned it to illustrate the thinking within my male-dominated (and generally speaking over 55yrs) working environment. They are nice guys generally, but the fact that they really truly thought this was fair and reasonable meant that they were silly enough to have given me lots of 'evidence' should I have needed it.

They still think that the company gives 'excellent' maternity benefits when in actual fact they give statutory minimum, - it's just that it is quite a bit better than when they had kids.

starlight, thats awful!

some companies don't make it easy to work when you have kids do they?

hope you feel a bit better today knowing there are lots of us in the same boat!

Hi Starlight

I also live just outside London where nurseries are about £55-60 a day. I chose to go for a childminder, not for the cost but because it was my preference but costs me a much more reasonable £40 a day so there's £20 a day saving already. In terms of childcare benefits, if your company participates in the childcare tax free scheme (which many do now), then you can save up to £120 a month on childcare costs. If your DH's company does it too, then you could save up to £240 a month. Between DH and I we save £200 a month on childcare costs through this scheme. If they don't do it at your company, its worth asking HR to consider it - to my knowlege it doesn't cost the company anything to do, they simply pay a portion of your salary to the participating scheme before you pay your income tax and its the savings on income tax that you benefit from. Also, as part of the flexible working benefits I work longer days but less days ( 3 x 9 hour days) which maximises my income but minimises the days my DD is in childcare and therefore the cost.

Just some options you may wish to consider if you did want to go back to work