To feel that I am forced to be a SAHM

[StarlightMcEggzie]

I have 2.4 yr old and a 7 month old.

Childcare in the nurseries around here are in the £60 a day per child region (although childminders a 'little' cheaper) which means I will have to earn twice that nett per day. There is a shortage of childcare so prices are high.

DH's salary is okay, but if I earnt that on top then we wouldn't be entitled to tax credits. Childcare vouchers only scrape the surface.

I like being a SAHM, but having no choice sometimes makes me feel a bit helpless and suffocated.

I didn't research the childcare consequences before I had 2 so close together so I'm silly for that, but now I feel forced into a position that I didn't exactly choose.

Sorrento I LIKE looking after my kids. I LIKE being a SAHM.

However, we NEED 2 incomes in the long term and I have to give up a job I love, that pays well (although clearly I must have very low ambitions if it doesn't pay for childcare) and risk HAVING to work in a low status miserable job in a few years.

Starlight - why exactly do you feel you need to give up your job? I hear what you are saying about affording the childcare now but what about the longer term? I've known friends get really quite bitter about this at around my sort of age (42) because they can't get back in to work at the levels they used to work at. Is there really no possibility of a cash outlay now? It'll be only until they get to school. Or a career break for another year? Or working p/t?

ruddy Actually my DH is brilliant. My LO still bfs a lot of the night so he gets up with no.1 breakfasts and dresses him and makes dinner half of the time and puts no.1 to bed most nights.

He's also been trying to work qa compressed week so I can do bfing supporter training, but it is difficult in his line of work (teaching)

Fragle Thanks for you support.

Sorrento I do count my blessings. I thank the lord that I know how to live on peanust, that I am confident enough to not feel defined by the car that I drive, that I have learnt how to get out of the house with 2 small children within 45 mins of getting up etc etc.

Possibly, just possibly I might choose this life, but as it isn't a choice I will never know. As it isn't a choice I will always feel a bit envious of both WOHMs and SAHM who choose to SAH. I'm not saying for one minute that other people don't have hard choices to make, I am just expressing my feelings and I believe they are reasonable in my circumtances.

After my wobble, I WILL pull myself together, I will make the most of what I have got and I will seek out opportunities to avoid the things I dread about my situation and increase the things I like (don't we'll do that?), but surely I am allowed to mourn the life that I won't have.

Quattro Sorry I'm not ignoring your posts.

Yes I need to give up work. I would be out of pocket to the tune of £500 a month and then I would have to pay travel on top at about £13 per day.

My DH's salary just cannot afford to fund this given that we are just about surviving.

I have explored all options I believe wrt the CISs.

I did go back part-time between children, but they won't agree to less than 3 days a week (which would be £300 per month out of pocket), but in any case none of the childminders here and possibly the nurseries, don't take part-time children, at least they do, but you still have to pay full-time.

chimchar That is an excellent suggestion. It will probably be turned down, but I'm in a strong bargaining position given that I'm leaving anyway. I can at least ask work for a couple of years career break.

Starlight, I know its a fair few months away but when your eldest turns 3 you will be eligable for 2.5 free nursery hours a day. All 3 year olds can get this wether in a private or a school attached nursery.

I know its not much but might help

£60 a day is alot

I have just started working fulltime and have 4 children, (2 at school). I am paid an average salary as is my DH as we have managed to find childcare so I think you are protesting a little too much.

We have a nanny for 3 days and I do a day at home and my DH has managed to negotiate a day at home. We are therefore paying P/T childcare out of F/T salary. There are many many options.

You could have a live in nanny or a nanny share? Take them to a subsidised nursery in a less flashy place, work split hours with your DH, work weekends/evenings,nights etc

add your potential salary to your DH's and then take childcare away from the combined to gove you a more rounded picture

and finally - as childcare is so sought after in your area, why don;t you register as a childminder? Sounds like you'd make a killing!!

connie I have explored the options you suggest. I think you are being imaginative, but not realistic.

They options you suggest don't exist here. Our house is too small for a live in nanny. There are no subsidised nurseries. The £60 per day one is the only feasible choice as the others would require me to travel further (more costs) in an opposite direction and drop of the children before they even open in order for me to get to work on time.

My DH isn't in a job where you can split the hours. He doesn't have a flashy job. He doesn't have that level of autonomy.

Adding my potential salary to my DH's and taking childcare away leaves me £500 short or £300 less well off part-time as I have already mentioned.

I KNOW that there are limited options. I KNOW that I have to work hard to find them and make them work for me. I KNOW that I have to make compromises and live a life that is less than ideal. I KNOW that I have to learn to be happy with it, - but, for the moment I feel I am entitled to be a bit miserable at what I am being forced to give up.

And the cheapest 'alternative' crappy shithole of a nursery is £57 anyway.

connie - I'd add that you must be in a really exceptional situation for you and your DH to be able to work one day a week each at home, with 2 pre-schoolers, and save on childcare costs that way. Most empoyers would emphatically NOT allow this - if you work at home then you still have to pay for childcare. And if you work for yourself, it's hard to imagine a job where you can really focus on your work without childcare for 2 pre-school children!

I agree with your general point that when you are in this situation, you need to think creatively and flexibly and try to make the best of it, but tbh, sometimes it really doesn't pay to work, which is frustrating and upsetting for people who want to keep their hand in.

Starlight - in your situation, if you really can't afford to invest in nursery for the sake of your long term career, then I would plan to have the minimum time out of work possible - look at how you can return once the eldest is at school. It really won't be too long that way (unless you make the mistake of accidentally falling pg again like I did, and then you're screwed financially for longer!)

Thanks violethill and all contributors for your support, sympathy and even 'alternative' view points.

Of course I'll pick myself up and make the most of my situation. I have plans, I have skills and I have ideas that can help me do minimal damage to my CV, but I am still giving up a job that I like in an area that I enjoy, with a salary that I believe is good and I still feel like that has been forced upon me.

It doesn't mean I don't have options of course, but I don't have the option of keeping THAT job/career and at times it can make me feel frustrated and helpless and like I have wasted my energy in getting myself there in the first place.

(although I will explore the unlikely possibility that they'll hold it open for me for a couple of years)

Idea: Offer to help set up a workplace creche where you used to work?

A friend of mine, got a funded Phd and uses the bursary for childcare costs. Amazing

It's not really the situation, it's the lack of choices that is demoralising. We are going through it now too.

Starlight - I have just been looking at something called parental leave. You are entitled to 13 weeks per child before their 5th birthday. It would give you another 6 months off with work having to leave the door open for you - could you then cover the childcare for a month or two until your eldest gets a free/assisted place?

Thank you Ali. However I read the policy where I work and it implies that I can only have 4 weeks per child per year, up to 13 weeks per child in the first 5 years, which suggests I can't take it all together.

I would only be able to add 8 weeks to my maternity leave therefore.

Ah well - like so many of these allegedly fabulous and family friendly plans that our dear government comes up with - not so great when you actually get into the details!!

Btw - you are absolutely right to mourn your lack of choices. I think you get kind of brainwashed into thinking 'oh well I'll have a baby/some babies and then I'll go back to work', and then when you actually come to do it you realise there was a reason why (in my case) your mother didn't go back to work until her youngest was 10 years old.

'Tis all rubbish.

hi there! my friend and I swap childcare - i look after her child and my own one day a week and she looks after mine another day. It mutually beneficial so doesn't impose or make me feel bad, and i supplement it with one days paid childcare. is this something that could work for you?

I sympathise too. I haven't had to give up, but in order not to give up have had to work long hours, which didn't really suit me over the last couple of years. Sooooo excited that all 3 will be at same school, same hours, from this september.

Hello Starlight, I understand what you say about grieving for the life that could have been. You are happy now as a SAHM, but you know it is not a long term solution to be out of work. And you like the work you do now. You don't want to be forced by silly childcare costs and financial circumstances to give it up forever for a lowly paid term time job.

It is really unfair to force your hand like this.

You are at a turning point, in that you are nearing the end of your second maternity leave. You have been too busy with your baby to think through your options career-wise.

Taking a sabbatical or career break re; your employer is a good idea and one I know you are pursuing. On another more informal basis, you could also try networking. I know I am poor at this, but it is really simple like keeping in touch with your colleagues and counterparts in your old job. So that when a position comes up in the future, they have you in mind.

If you want a flexible job, they don't tend to be advertised and you need little inroads like this to get them.

To do that, you need to carve out a slice of time for your self, like using free nursery places once your dd is 3 and reciprocal arrangements for your baby like itistooearly describes. And keep updating your CV, reading in your field, like you are doing.

I think a break from your work, that is not completely dominated by childcare/housework, can broaden your thinking laterally.

Who knows, it might take your career in a new direction once you have the time to research and ruminate.

Try to stay positive and reasonably focused. I am sure something will come up in time when you are ready

blueshoes What a lovely positive and optimistic post.

Thank you so much for the way you have worded things and for taking the time to do so.

I'll climb out of my pit of self-pity and look forward to my future shortly, but right now I need an excuse to eat more than my share of the left over Easter eggs

don't childcare costs go down when a child is 3? Has someone mentiuoned that?

My work [NHS] gave me a career break of 18 months on top of maternity leave so I could be abroad with dh and the children. I started an MSc in that time and when I went back it meant I moved onto a whole new plane.

You don't have to give up work Starlight. Money might be tight but you could do it and keeping working would probably be a good thing rather than stopping dead for a few years. So many women never seem able to get back on track after that.

starlight, I'm one of the ones who "give it up forever for a lowly paid term time job"

for me, its a combination of having no free help, eg. grandparents/family nearby who could help us out and not wanting my 2 kids to spend all school holidays in the school after care club

sometimes I feel as a mum (or dad) you have to accept your lot, its hard and I'd love an interesting, higher paid job that was right for ME, but just now being around so much for my kids when they are still in primary school feels right for THEM

like everything about being a parent, its doing whats right for your family at any given time.........I feel my time will come round again, its just not now.

Moondog Thank you for your post.

I do have plans, just having a wobble.

My work was broadly support within LA Childrens Services.

I have done a some Makaton signing class due to my DS having SALT difficulties. I have just trained to be a bfing peer supporter. I host bumps and babes coffees, and contribute to NCT newsletter. I have just registered and had the funding agreed to train as an NCT antenatal teacher.

On top of this my DS is very likely to be diagnosed with ASD so a)I'll become an 'expert' in the parent side and may have opportunities to attend courses b)SAH will give me the opportunity to ferry him to various helpful sessions that I wouldn't be able to arrange for him if he was in childcare.

I believe and hope that I am making opportunities for myself, keeping my CV reasonable and remaining employable.

BUT I am still giving up a job and career that I love and having to drastically reduce our outgoings for a few years (and we didn't have an expensive lifestyle before) and I have to adjust because it wasn't my plan.

Well, that all sounds really great and who knows where that may take you? Despite being a SALT, my own dd's language difficulties and the 'journey' [if not too naff a word] Ihave been on to address these has certainly changed my entire life professionally and personally but it is incredibly exciting and fulfilling.

I can completely see where you are at and have felt like that for some time.
DDs are 3.3 and 12mths so I am in a similar position. I used to work as a scrub nurse but felt that a net of 500 per month after petrol and childminder (with only dd1) was not a good trade off for missing her (at the time) development. I then chose to have dd2 while being off anyway iyswim.
I recently decided to do a uni course related to practice (DPP1) and intend to apply for Health Visitor sponsorship to start September to do the MSc. I have to say starting the course after so long not studying was daunting but it quickly came back and has given me a new focus and sense of freedom on the study days. Definately the best thing I could have done