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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my best friend's DH to treat her better...?

55 replies

howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:08

They went out for the day- crowded pub- both decided not to order food, but she would have some crisps and asked him to go to bar and buy them. He refused saying the queue etc was too long.

This is yet another incident in a long, long marriage on the brink of divorce all the time. They live in different countries, due to work, and every time he is home they say they will try again to make things better. then something happens - such as this.

Was he out of order?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 13/04/2009 12:10

could she not get her own crisps?

HairyMuff · 13/04/2009 12:10

I don't blame him, what was stopping her from going to the bar and getting her own crisps?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/04/2009 12:11

Why couldn't she get her own?

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:11

Nah, she should get her own crisps if she wants them!

chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:12

Eh?

HairyMuff · 13/04/2009 12:12

ITs hardly divorce stuff is it?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:13

he his her husband not her slave, and if they are equal within the marriage, thre should be give and take and helping each other

depends if she expects to sit on her bum and be 'looked after' as it were

the example you have given is a bit meh

if you had posted that he refused to get her crisps, threw a drink over her and then went on a 12 hour bender, then yes, he should treat her better!

refusing to queue up in a long queue for her crisps is not that unreasonable

unless this is AIBU and more info is going ot be drip fed in about his abusive behaviour

Stinkyfeet · 13/04/2009 12:13

From your description of the actual event, no he wasn't out of order. Why couldn't she go to the bar to buy herself some crisps?

However, there is obviously more going on in their marriage so it's hard to comment on how relevant this one incident is to everything else.

MuffinBaker · 13/04/2009 12:13

YABU

Ridiculous post imho.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:13

if this is how petty they both are, they maybe would be better apart

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:14

Interesting to have your opinions- I am sitting on the fence with this one- whatever he does is wrong in her eyes.

She did actually go herself in the end to buy them.

I suppose what she said was, if this was a date, and they were just "going out" and she asked for something, would he refuse? Probably not- so why any different after 20 years of marraige when he is supposed to be TRYING SO VERY HARD not to get divorced?

She says it is just another example of him not caring for her andmaking her feelloved.

Is that OTT ot has she got a point?

OP posts:
chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:15

Sorry, but from that description it sounds like she's using the threat of divorce to push him around so she doesn't have to get off her lazy bum and buy her own crisps.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/04/2009 12:15

To be honest even if it was a date I wouldn't expect to get waited on hand and foot. Think she is just looking for excuses now.

chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:16

I wouldn't eat crisps on a date.

I'd wait til I got home to stuff my face

HairyMuff · 13/04/2009 12:16

He probably can't do right for doing wrong.

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:17

It is petty- itis all petty.

This is one incident in a long marriage hwere he has been labelled as sadistic by more than one cousnellor, where they have had marriage guidance and separate counselling for years.

It is a constant power struggle and he seems to want to throw his weight around by simply not giving her what she wants. Too long to go into here, but it is the tip of an iceberg. Just wanted to get another opinion on it, as I don't a;ways take her side, and it is very hard not to when she is so upset.

OP posts:
YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:19

So she's going to hold the threat of divorce over his head every time she's not waited on???

Gah. Would hate to be that bloke.

Your friend sounds ridiculous. Tell her to hire a butler if she wants to be waited on.

HairyMuff · 13/04/2009 12:19

Not giving her what she wants or not doing what she wants?

With the crisps thing he's quite entitled to not want to stand in a queue. However, as you say if there are other incidences where he is being deliberately mean then I suppose there's a problem. You have to separate the wheat from the chaff though.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:19

what does she do to make him feel loved?

sounds like he is on a lose lose whatever he does

he is not her slave, and him feeling like her lapdog is not going to make their marriage work

sounds like she wants an excuse

Mooseheart · 13/04/2009 12:20

Your argument may have had more weight if you had mentioned the above in the OP!

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:20

But if what she wants is silly and unreasonable, why should he give it to her?

He's a sadist because he won't queue up to get her crisps?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:20

sadisitc?

well, this is not an example of sadistic behaviour IMO

i would not want to stand in a long queue to get my husband crisps either

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:23

And it sounds like she is struggling for power just as much as he is---

'get me crisps!'

'no, get 'em yourself.'

'I'll divorce you, you sadist!'

DarrellRivers · 13/04/2009 12:24

Goodness, who ever knows what goes on in relationships apart from the two involved.
This sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship and the incident with the crisps sums it up really
Sounds like both parties are coming in every day with all the emotional baggage from the preceding years
Probably as difficult as each other when it comes to relating to their other halves.

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:24

Take the whole thing out of context and just think on this-

imagine you are on a date- the guy asks you if you want food from the bar- you say no, and he agrees you will both wait til you get home. But then you say you would like some crisps and he refuses to go. Would you see him again?

And then put it into context- this is aman who ahs had a divorce petition issued against him a year ago, then withdrawn,- he was devasteated- he wants to try- is this behaviour likely to lead to a reconciliation, given that for 3 weeks out of 4 they live in separate countries?

I am NOT siding with my friend, but I want others' views.

OP posts: