Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my best friend's DH to treat her better...?

55 replies

howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:08

They went out for the day- crowded pub- both decided not to order food, but she would have some crisps and asked him to go to bar and buy them. He refused saying the queue etc was too long.

This is yet another incident in a long, long marriage on the brink of divorce all the time. They live in different countries, due to work, and every time he is home they say they will try again to make things better. then something happens - such as this.

Was he out of order?

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 13/04/2009 12:26

On a first date I would not expect a guy to get me crisps.
I would prepare to go buy them, and if he offered to get them for me I would be pleasantly suprised
My other half does not fetch my things on my orders, he suprises me with thoughtful gestures. There is a difference!

Stinkyfeet · 13/04/2009 12:27

I just wouldn't ask him to go and get me crisps though - I'd go myself!

HairyMuff · 13/04/2009 12:27

Trying in a relationship is more than fetching a bag of crisps. I know my DH loves me but probably wouldn't stand in a long queue for a bag of cheese and onion for me.

Sounds like she is wielding power over him by playing the "I'll divorce you" card at every little thing he does or doesn't do.

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:27

sorry it is impossible to detail everything here. No one siad he was sadistic because he didn't get crisps ,fgs! That comment was made years ago by a counsellor, and nothing to do with crisps, but about his behaviour on a whole load of other issues.

I think I'd better close this down as it is impossible to share all the things that have happened to them, and the crisps incident is just one of many ....

OP posts:
chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:27

It's a packet of crisps.

She's being insane.

How does she react over actual issues, y'know, money worries, family problems etc?

chequersmate · 13/04/2009 12:29

I think that's probably for the best to just let the thread die.

I don't even see how this can be reffered to as an 'incident'. I really don't.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:29

why is she still with him?

he is a sadist

they live apart

they threaten divorce over every meaningless little thing

sounds a nightmare for both of them

feel sorry for any childrne they have

DarrellRivers · 13/04/2009 12:29

As I said, who can ever judge from the outside what is going on between 2 people.
Leave them to it, and support your friend with what she needs.
It doesn't really matter who is in the right or in the wrong.
It sounds like the relationship is in the wrong, so support her through that

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:29

you obvisouly know them , so what is your opinion?

do you think he is a sadist?

do you think she is unreasonable?

MadameCastafiore · 13/04/2009 12:34

You love someone for what they do for you that isn't asked for or has conditions attached - that is what love and a balanced relationship is about.

Anyone who tests someone over and over to validate their marriage and prove their love is sick and deserves for it to fail.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:34

Sorry, on a date I'd never ask someone to go fetch me things. I'd say, 'I think I'll have some crisps, do you want anything while I'm up there?' and go up myself. If the guy jumped up and said 'no no, let me get it', that's one thing. But to say simperingly 'would you go get me some crisps?' and flutter my eyelashes at him---just not in my nature!

Divorce is something I've got experience with. If your friend really wanted a reconciliation, she wouldn't pick on little crap like 'he won't get me crisps'. She's making her own play for power now.

As for her husband, sure, he might want to reconcile. But he should be able to keep some self-respect too, which does not involve playing her little power games. She sounds like she's going for revenge---that's never going to make for a happy marriage.

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 12:37

My friend has tried over the years to give him an enormous amount of love and caring.

But she wants a man who can show her that he loves her, and in her words will "cherish her". She says he does neither. It doesn't revolve around crsips- that is pathetic and I am actually annoyed that some MNs think it is a divorce issue when it clearly isn't- it is one of amillion examples of where he tries to win some kind of power struggle in the relationship, by saying "no" to her.

Another example..."I have ALLOWED YOU " TO REFURBISH THE HOUSE ( whilst he is overseas and showing not the slightest bit of interest in it and she has taken 2 yrs to refurbish it and increase its value significantly.)

"Allowed"? Is this the language of a man who wants to make his marriage work? (BTW he earns the money)

all too complicated really to explain here- just wanted a gut-reaction on the one incident.

OP posts:
mylifemykids · 13/04/2009 12:41

You wanted a gut reaction on the one incident which is what you got!

It was a stupid post with not enough information.

MadameCastafiore · 13/04/2009 12:41

Sounds like the poor man can't do right for doing wrong.

I really hope he sees sense and draws a line under this relationship and finds someone who respects and loves him, who doesn't have to test him by asking him to buy packets of crisps, who understands what an adult relationship is.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:44

Or to put it the other way around....it's one of a million examples where she starts a power struggle with him and then is annoyed when she doesn't win.

SoupDreggon · 13/04/2009 12:47

AIBU by stealth.

KimiAteTooManyEasterEggs · 13/04/2009 12:55

Think they should call it a day and stop pissing each other off

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 13/04/2009 12:57

as i thought

"unless this is AIBU and more info is going ot be drip fed in about his abusive behaviour"

pointless OP

you got a gut reaction

and you don;t like it

kittywise · 13/04/2009 13:03

Look they are obviously very ill-suited and should get divorced and try and find more suitable partners.

We cannot possible make a fair comment on his behaviour from your op though.

Mumcentreplus · 13/04/2009 13:04

...

Original poster
howtotellmum · 13/04/2009 13:04

lulu- I never said I didn't like it!

Please stop having a go at me- I am the messager!

Signing out now- thanks for the comments.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 13/04/2009 13:35

she sounds like an effing nightmare who is spoiling for a fight and just looking for any excuse to criticise.

mayorquimby · 13/04/2009 13:39

"imagine you are on a date- the guy asks you if you want food from the bar- you say no, and he agrees you will both wait til you get home. But then you say you would like some crisps and he refuses to go. Would you see him again?"

i'm a bloke and if i was on a first date (or tbh if i was out with my current OH) i'd offer to go and get the crisps.
however if my date attempted to order me up to the bar to fetch her some crisps i doubt i'd be too worried about her not wanting to see me again, as i wouldn't want to see her again.

QueenDesentialShadows · 13/04/2009 13:42

What century does your friend live in?

I would not expect a man to go and get my crisps, even on a first date. It would not even occur to me that I should be waited on.

I can get my own bloody crisps. I am a strong and independent woman.

DandyLioness · 13/04/2009 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Swipe left for the next trending thread