To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

You are growing and changing and no longer fit the cowed persona that he has created for you which is fantastic!

The act must be so hard to keep up but I worry that challenging him too much puts you in danger, so please be careful.

Why put yourself through that though? As my friends asked me - whats stopping you?

Stars, he's playing mind games with you. "It's not me, it's you". You know in your heart that it's not true. I had similar things said to me in a relationship. He's trying to shift the blame from him to you to make you compliant again (but with constantly shifting goal-posts)

He's trying to make you doubt yourself. Please don't fall for it: keep strong in your mind and posting on this thread whilst moving forwards with your plans.

I haven't posted much on this thread before now but I have been following it as has doubtless plenty of other posters.

Oh stars I am worried for you. Sort a few bits out tonight - passports etc - while he is crashed out if you can so that you can run over these next few days if you need to.

What a bloody pig he is 'it's not me it's you'. Grr.
Sorry that is not helpful to you at all.

Please try and let us all know you are ok when you can, obviously it will be harder with H about.

Head down for just that little bit longer, don't let him see the change in you.

You are doing so well, stars. It is truly amazing to see the change in you over the last few days/weeks. I love the fact that you are looking forward to the time when you will be able to give your support to someone in a similar position, and tell them the story of how you escaped and flourished.

I am so proud of you.

{{{hugs}}}

stars - i mean it - if you need to get out i can put you up till wa have a space. I've deliberately not sent you my address so he can't get it from your email, but i can meet you at the station - with your sis so you know i'm a safe person - and help you stay safe...

Stars, have been following the posts but have no words to post that are as wise as others have, just that i am proud that you are doing so well and we are all here for you

I wish there was something I could say to help you. Whenever you say anything about him, he sounds so much like my ex, the put downs and the threats and blame games.
Years after I left, I was married and pregnant and obviously happy, he finally went for help. He said that seeing that I had a successful relationship made him think that perhaps it hadn't been all my fault!
It made a little difference from what I can discern, but basically he's still the same bully, and has been from school. He bullied a friends husband when they were at school.
I noticed someone mentioned maybe his father was controlling? And that they told you not to wind him up? Well, my ex did have a bullying father, and his mother for want of a better word, was a doormat who just said he'd had a hard life.
I just want you to know that my friends said to me to be careful he didn't get violent, and I was so sure that wouldn't happen, but it did.
I think also that even when the drinking stops, the bully is still there. He had forgotten how to be any other way, and it had become him. I think he is very sad inside, it seems to me your H must be like this too, but they don't possess the will to do anything about it and they don't feel properly responsible for it. People like this don't believe they have a choice, they think they have been dealt a poor deal and someone/everyone should help them out because of it.
I was lucky to find loving support close by. Without it I don't think I would have had the strength to leave, so I understand your reluctance. Take help wherever you can, it's not a weakness. So long as you are clear about what you are doing and why- I made a for and against list- you are still doing the important part by yourself, making the decision.
Just try to remember that you are lovable,and you have the right to be treated as such.
Sorry, I know that's a bit patronising, I just think I needed to hear that a lot after being told I was no good in so many small ways for so long.
You are amazing, believe it.

Stars, hoping things won't be too bad for you.

Morning stars, hope you're feeling ok today. Still following this thread and thinking of you. Poppity is right, it not a weakness to accept any help you can get

Stars,

Haven't posted for ages but I've been lurking the whole time: I'm checking your thread every chance I get to make sure you're OK.

You're in my thoughts and prayers - if you can't / don't leave before Easter, I'll be praying that next Easter will find you being a happy and carefree Easter bunny like this: !

Just quickly re your photo comment Stars: you can upload it to any number of photo hosting websites, then delete it off your camera and log off the website.

Hi Stars, just checking to see how you're doing, like every morning

Like DreadPirate, I'm also close to a station that I'm sure you could get to quite easily and the offer still stands if you need to get away for a bit

Stars, don't forget I'm within driving distance too, and coincidentally we'll be not too far from you on Saturday! So yet another offer of help if you need it.

Hope you're having a good day, keep strong

Morning
Just a quick message to say everytning is ok here.
The children are downstairs drawing at the table.

H is still in bed ,currently asleep with a pillow over his head.(obviously the light is too much for his fragile state poor thing}
Am tempted to put on a loud CD or start hoovering the bedrooms.

So much for looking after the children and giving me a rest!!!!

Stars - why don't you just take the children out on your own? Can you go to the park or something or sort some sandwiches out and get out?

I'll not be able to get on over the holiday, but the offer is there afterwards if you need to get further away - can be accessed by train...

And on what grounds, exactly, does he think you're ready to resume sharing a bed? Nutter!

Glad to hear you're doing well. Offer stands of coming to get you, or meeting from train if easier to slip away that way - just call :-)

Hello stars... Just checking in and keeping an eye on you...

Hope your day goes ok will pop back later
xxx

Afternoon Stars

Just checking you are okay?

x

All quiet here.
Chilren been watching a film and H has been quite reasonable.
Even did some housework.

I hate this feeling I get when he is like this as he makes what I am planning so wrong.
It would be so much easier if he was difficult all the time.

Hopefully the bedroom situation won't arise again.

thanks dreadpirate will keep it in mind.

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts.

Woke up this morning feeling the time is nearly right.
I was looking round the kitchen and at the house in general thinking will I miss this house and the answer was no.
Although it is a lovely spacious house it's just bricks and mortar.
I really enjoyed my time last night knowing what time H was coming in and being able to relax until then.

Was thinking it could be like that all the time.

Maybe time to read through the posts again and remind myself why I am doing this.

Stars your doing this to make a better life for you and the children. It is not acceptable to except abuse in any way.

This is just his attempt to try and regain some sort of control over you stars.

Your doing so well xx

Stars that sounds so positive - you are doing brilliantly.

Stars, I've been following your threads and didn't feel I could add anything of value, as all the other posters have added far more eloquently the points I would have made.

However, this self doubt you have, I have to say I went through this whole thing myself.

I didn't leave, as just as I had had enough he'd be lovely. And then slowly we'd slide back to the awful scenario.

Personally I felt I was fighting to save my marriage and my children's home. Everytime ex was nice I was clutching at the crumbs hoping we'd turned a corner and that maybe he would now be a decent person to my children and I, and just as I let my guard down, or started relaxing he'd be a million times worse.

But those quiet times, those times when he was behaving as a decent normal human being, kept me hanging on for far too much longer than I really truly should have.

I'm not saying leave him. That is completely and utterly your decision to make when the time is right for you.

To be perfectly honest, if it hadn't been for a much wiser police officer, who had seen it all and could see right through ex's act. I would probably right now be in a very bad way.

good luck with everything, I hope you find a clear way through this, you are a lovely brave person, who deserves a happy tranquil love filled life. Not just the quiet before the inevitable storm.

Trust me, I surprise myself at the sheer joy I get from completely mundane things, like ordering take out because I cannot be arsed to cook, something I was never allowed to do whilst with ex!

Take care.

I'm sorry you are wavering over your decision to leave but glad that he is behaving reasonably for a change, even if the lazy sod is still in bed!

The awful truth is that it is only a matter of time before he reminds you of why you are making these plans.

Wishing you well xxx