To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Stars, as someone who has left an abusive relationship and gone into a refuge, can I tell you that it is the start of your life. I didnt have DD at that point, but putting my key in the door to a space I knew was safe and mine...it was amazing.

Please let Dread kidnap you!

PMSL-I will have a better look in the boot when dread comes back on weds.
Thank you so much for the book and CD ,look forward to getting them and having some more inspiration.

mrspnut-I presume the school would need to know where I was though would'nt they?
It does sound the best option I know as I will need help sorting out benefits,schools etc and my sister has a busy life herself to deal with and does not drive.

Sercurity wise as well would be reassuring.
I keep hearing so many times about the fact that the most dangerous tiome is when you have left.
I think I am being rather niave concerning that.

x posts madameovary-Am looking forward to having a key of my own to my own place and shutting it at night and being able to do what I want and not worrying about how the evening will turn out.

dreadpirate has an apt name with all this talk of kidnapping.

Stars, have been lurking for some time now. You are getting great advice and support here.

When you say
"Why can't I just do it?

I feel an awful mother for allowing my children to stay in this situation.
Most people would have been long gone."

You can't just do it because it's very, very hard. Most people would NOT have been long gone. BillSilver's story shows how many women find it impossible to leave in spite of all the abuse. But you are doing something about it and you are getting stronger all the time - your posts show that. You have been on to WA, you have a plan in place and you have a rescue team ready to come and snatch you at a moment's notice! Don't beat yourself up. You're on the way out of there - it's just a matter of time.

Stars, I hope you don't mind me posting, I have followed both threads, but not felt able to post until now.

I think you need someone to take your hand, much as everyone on this thread has done and physically help you through this final step.

You have been so strong and kept it all together despite living in a continually abusive household.

You said yourself the other day you were not sure what was stopping you from making that final step, I think it is maybe fear of reactions/effect on the DC. Remember though nothing is worse than the current situation.

Maybe consent to kidnap is a good idea, If its not what you really want you can always go back( if it happens during the day your H will not even know you left the building) but I feel that once out of there your new life will begin and your strength will grow by the minute.

I also second /third/4th that WA refuge is probably the best way to go in your situation, remember it is short term.

Sorry it is a lot of waffle, but feel you are nearly there and just need a virtual kick up the backside helping hand to get past that final hurdle

I would just tell the school that you've left your husband and you and the children are staying in temporary accommodation.

Almost all refuges have a PO box address so they won't know where it is or what it is unless they have dealt with someone there before and even then they shouldn't talk about you and your situation without your permission.

thanks for posting muffin and norks.
I have been very honoured with all the great advice on this thread.
I have been getting stronger with all the great support from the ladies on this thread.

Without it I would still be thinking this was it for me and the children.

Have just tried to log into my main account e mail on my laptop and my password is'nt working.
I use another another account for e mails from dread and searching sites etc.

H knows my password to the main account and wonder if he has changed it without my knowledge as he is always moaning about my time on mumsnet.

He would think I could'nt access it then.

hE knows i have another account but does not know that password.
I asked him about it and he said why would I change your password.
Seems strange though.
I typed in forgotten password and can not get into that ethier now.

Please let that pirate kidnap you on Wednesday!

(now, there's a sentence I never thought I'd type)

Joking aside, please, do consider it very seriously. As norks says, you can always go back after a couple of hours if it doesn't feel right, but I bet you wouldn't.

I agree that arranging for someone to kidnap you is a good idea! Pick a person, arrange a day and time and see how you feel when the moment comes. (maybe not, just a suggestion)

Also, while I trust your sister has your best interests at heart, she's not in a position to say what is and what isn't you; because she's never been in your situation. I haven't either, but the WA refuge sounds appealing to me.

Having said that, it's a tough call. Thinking of you x

x posts mrspnut-thank you,that is useful to now.

Off to serve up dinner ,will be back later to reply to x posts.

Um, isnt it a bit risky you posting here considering he knows you have an account?

Hi Stars, I haven't posted for a while but I've been watching and seeing you getting closer.

I wondered if to you leaving via the WA seemed all too dramatic for you, and this increased your already massive feelings of guilt. I think maybe your sister sees it the same way; that it makes the leaving worse somehow?
I can remember feeling incredible guilt that my dc would not get to see his Dad after school each day, not get to have a bedtime cuddle etc, it's what kept me there.
What I'm trying (poorly as usual)to say is that it's normal, and I think you have to accept(even though you have no reason to)that you are going to feel guilty. It's not going to go away however horrible he is to you. You will still feel guilt because it will be you who is making the change to the status quo. You just have to remember that doesn't make you the one who's wrong.
If it's any comfort to you, I didn't feel guilty for long afterwards. Within a couple of weeks, my dc was so much more relaxed, sleeping better, and happy(not to mention me!), and I could see that things were only going to get easier.

I don't know anything about the WA, but it seems to me from descriptions on here that it may be a simpler way for you to get it done. Almost like a package deal as oppose to booking the flight, insurance, hotel and transfers yourself with different people!

Stars,

On wednesday, I will be bringing:

A laptop case for you to use
A couple of make-up/spongebag type cases
A couple of duffel bags
An empty car
2 booster seats
A couple of empty bags for storage type stuff - CDs, books, photos

We can put children's bedding into pillow cases to carry.

What else shall I bring?

Ooh yes Poppity - 'package deal' - excellent description

like your new name DP - it makes you far more scary

can you manage a couple of flat-packed boxes and some tape?

I'm trying to post something about what your sister said but dp on desktop me on teeny notebook and I can't touchtype on this teeny keyboard its tooo slow!!
Will be back after tea.
Which dp has made and is currently serving to the boys and he's showing them how to make gravy. Normal dad.

Stars - I have been following your thread and quietly cheering you on. Your strength is inspiring. We are all wiating for your post to say the deed is done and you are free. Stay strong and stay safe and here's a very unmumsnetty [hug] for you.

Dread - can I just say as well that you are fab for being such a great support to Stars.

OMG Stars.... hes changed your email password? .He's getting worse, sounds very like my ex-h , he would look through all my stuff, mobile phone, letters ,clothes,make up bag ,hand bag ect.He wouldnt let me have any money at all and would frog-march me to the post office to collect the kids child benefit money.id have to beg him for money to buy toiletries...eventually i left him and stupidly i let him into my new home to visit dc , he stole my passport and burnt it,(i was 3 weeks from starting new job in Dubai, kids told him we were moving) he also tried to take keys to my new home ,but friend caught him putting them into his pocket, of course he called he a liar ... but he was caught red- handed.Then he got violent(again),when i refused to let him in to visit kids again...this ended with me locked in the bathroom desperatly calling the police as he was kicking the door down after i ran when he punched me infront of our dc.his mother lied to police and said he was with her at the time.I WISH ID DONE THE WA ROUTE OF ESCAPE, he wouldnt have got away with it then! Please STARS, listen to Dread, go on wedensday.

, should have been "he called her a liar" not " he called he" oops

Good luck stars. Sounds as though you are getting close to being ready to take the plunge.

Will be thinking of you on wednesday whatever decision you take for how that day ends.

stars been following from the start and I'm relieved you are making progress .

Of course its hard to make such a massive change. When I split with ex p at the start of the year (he sounds pretty similar to yours ) I just had to put an end to his bullying and decided that whatever happened he would never ever frighten us or treat me or the dc's badly again. I hope you can turn your back on all the crap he has put you through and start looking to a fresh start very soon.

With regards to safety when you want to get settled in your own home you might be lucky enough to have a WA Sanctuary scheme in your area (and if they don't them pester them to start one!). Basically they get locksmiths in to make the house extra secure, add security lights and turn an upstairs room into a 30 min fire proof panic room where you can all escape to if your ex h was to break in. The WA lady told me that drunk, angry men don't tend to break into houses very quietly so you generally get at least 2 mins to get upstairs and call the police, then they'd arrest him. They do it where I live (North hampshire), I don't know where else does it yet. The aim is to stop women having to keep running away from abusive partners, and its not just for women who have been beaten, I was offered it but my ex had never hit me.

Keep strong. X

Stars you need to get out.

You are getting stronger, and he is sensing it and getting worse. I may have missed it but can you get into a refuge somewhere and then move onto private rented after a few weeks? This would get you out and safe, and give you support with setting up your own place.

Please be really cautious. If he is wise enough to go online and change your passwords I'm sure he could manage to do a search on MN (he could type in Ireland, or details or your DD for example and find this easily). Maybe you should ask for this thread and your last one to be deleted??

I am not trying to scare you - just want you safe. {{Take care}}

Back again with proper keyboard

With regard to what your sister said -

right back at the start of thread 1 last month, you were almost shocked that people were suggesting you go to a refuge. you thought like most who haven't been in the situation, that they're for women whove been beaten black and blue, or maybe not for 'women like you'. At the first mention of it I think every one thinks that. Its your sisters first mention and she is thinking like that, that her own sister can't possibly be one of those women that needs to go to a refuge.

• of course you can't have visitors at a refuge. To make you think thats a reason for you not to go there, is just silly and she hasn't thought it through. The locations are top secret. I donate stuff and have no idea where it is. you have to go to a pickup place and be taken there. If each person in there tells one person where they are, then sooner or later one well meaning friend or relative would tell someone's ex partner and he'd turn up there. Can you imagine the stress and upset that would cause to the ladies and children who are staying there? I think its sensible that there's no visitors. WHEN (not if) you get there, you need sanctuary, a place to relax, and you can't do that if all your past life is turning up wanting to visit.

• so many of us on this thread have been in your situation and its us who are saying go via womens aid it will make it easier for you. Listen to the voice of experience, not your sister who probably can't even imagine what your day to day life is like 24/365.

• your sister doesn't want your h to be labelled a drunk abuser. I hope enough of us have said here that he's already given himself that label!

• I am tempted to ask whose side is your sister on, is she concerned with the 'social aspect' of having a sister in a womens refuge?

The email password. He probably changed it at work. I am sure he changed it and by responding to your 'did you change my password' with 'why would I change your password' (and the password reminder question to very likely) he is not lying, but not telling the truth. He didn't say 'no' did he? And by changing your password but not admitting it, he is working on that part of your brain he likes to work on, the one that pins all the 'you are not right in the head' stuff on you.

He's trying to make you think that you are losing it!

I don't think he checks on here, how could someone not mention all this after all these weeks? I think he thinks you are emailing someone and wanted to put a stop to it.

Wednesday sounds good to me too.

Dreadpirate you need to bung a couple of suitcases in that boot, then stars can rush round the house grabbing favourite clothes etc.

Stars how about if you look on it as a trolley dash and the winner gets a new life