To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

twinklystars-thank you for reassuring me re school.
I did not know his hours allocated could be transfered to a new school.

Stars, that is really spooky. I was in Harlech castle two weeks ago and while I was up there enjoying the view and the breeze I thought of you and checked on this thread on my mobile to see how you were. How bizarre is that?

Sorry dittany-spelt your name wrong

vacaloca-that is really strange.
Maybe it is a sign of some sort.

Hours can be transferred if they are on a statement, as this is statutory. If it is just hours the school has allocated then this would be up to the discretion of the new school.

I have just read through this entire thread and wish to congratulate you for your progress so far.

Coming to terms with living in an emotionally abusive relationship isn't easy and the roller-coaster you're going through right now is very common.

I have a few points though - Does your WA have a solicitor drop in session for advice? and do they have child support workers?

I work for a WA in the East Midlands and we have a rota of duty solicitors who come in every week for an afternoon and we can make appointments for the women to see them for advice. We also have one solicitor that has a 24 hr domestic violence mobile and she'll either answer it or get back to you as soon as she can with help and advice.

We also have a number of child support workers both in our refuge and in our community team that are there to help the child come to terms with what they have witnessed and also to help them deal with the changes they are facing.

I really would strongly advise you to get out and go to the refuge, even if there wasn't a place at the one near your sister last time they looked it doesn't mean that there isn't a place there now. There is a national refuge vacancy website that we update every day because women arrive and leave on a regular basis. I'd be asking them to check for a vacancy every time you speak to them tbh and maybe even contact the WA in that area if it's different and tell them you want a place in their refuge so they let you know when a vacancy arises.

twinklystars-they are on a statement which has been in place just over a year and has just recently been reviewed for another year.

Stars - you wrote "The wedding-hopefully we can be gone by then."

Well, don't you sound more confident! The change in you between your earlier posts and this is incredible.

You go girl.

I think I will join the pom-pom brigade.

mrspnut-thank you for your information and reading my long thread.

When I spoketo the WA the other day she said they were not allowed to recommend solicitors butshe did recommend 2 for me.
I will have to ring and ask about duty solicitors.

They did say they have access to all childrens support workers and could sort that out for me.

I said I would ring daily to check for places but she did'nt mention them ringing me when a place becomes available.

x posts girlandboy-my confidence comes and goes.
It's learning to not let the incidents with H knock that confidence back again.
I use music as a coping mechanism now and put the radio on everytime I am in the kitchen to focus on something else if he is moaning.

As it's on the statement then it should be transferable. The statement is attached to your ds not the school.

thanks twinklystars that puts my mind at rest.

Stars - We have been known to ring when we have a vacancy, it depends on the woman because things can change so rapidly. It may be the that the one day she called is the one day she plucked up the courage to seek refuge and never does again.

Stars, today I took my DS to our local supermarket cafe as we eat there every Saturday afternoon before shopping for groceries. When we were halfway through our lunch, a couple with a young child sat down just within earshot of us.

It was immediately obvious that the man was irritated as soon as he'd arrived. From what I could hear, he was complaining that he didn't want to be there and was blaming her for everything (presumably they'd just been out shopping as well). He was talking at her rather than to her, seemingly trying to provoke a response, while she hardly said anything and was cut off on the few occasions at which she did.
It was so odd because although his facial expression was quite neutral and he wasn't raising his voice - probably because he was aware he could be overheard in public, as he kept looking around the room rather than at her, to see if anyone was listening - but the tone of his voice and the things he was saying were frightening.

At one point he happened to visit the toilet while I was walking across the cafe in their direction to get a serviette so I looked at her, hoping to catch her eye and maybe have the opportunity to ask if she was alright, but she was just looking down, so sad.

I remember thinking "is this what Stars' life is like at home?"

I don't want to bring you down though because I must say that I have been away for a week recently and the change I've have noticed in your posts now compared to beforehand is great. You sound reassuringly so much stronger and determined - long may that last

Hii Stars (and everyone else ) - sorry I haven't been on this evening - had FIL, MIL and FIL's GF for dinner - rather distracting .

Glad to see all the good advice you've had tonight. Thinking about the wedding - I really do think we should get you out before then... It's just before half-term, so kids could have 2 weeks off school and start at a new school after the hol hopefully. And with the wedding going on, your PILs wouldn't necessarily be able to react very quickly to you going...

As to H or PILs trying to get custody of the DCs, well, if you're in a refuge, their case is automatically undermined - another reason for going the WA route.

I'll be back over on Wednesday. Shall I bring suitcases? Also have book (and CD) from PMSL which turned up today - thanks PMSL, sorry I haven't emailed yet.

You can do this you know. You've got all of us rooting for us, and I'd love to help you settle in your new house once you've found it. I'm quite average good with a paintbrush... And would be lovely to meet up outside the refuge while you're in there. Take some mooching trips round the market together?

Good morning Stars.

I have been lurking on this thread for a while now and just wanted to wish you well in the coming week/s. Your story has touched my heart.

Although I live on the opposite side of the world, (so no chance of stuffing you in my car boot) I often find myself thinking of you and wondering how you are going. It has been inspiring to see the change in you and watch you steadily gain the strength and confidence you need to turn your life around.

I feel sure your moment of moving on is very near.

Good luck Stars! I have joined your pom-pom brigade and am cheering you on, biscuits and all as you enter the last stage of this journey.

No worries DreadP, glad to hear it got there - thanks for passing those along!

Morning everyone

mrspnut-will look into that,thanks.

notplaying-know how that feels.
He always gets grumpy when out shopping.
Everytime he comes home from a shoppong trip you can guarntee he will be in a mood about something that went wrong.

dreadpirate-looking forward to weds.
Thank you for your offer of help re painting,I am a novice so any help gratfully recieved.

PMSL-Thank you,look forward to getting the CD and book.

melbourne-thank you for taking time to read the thread.
I am trying to stay strong.

This morning all is quiet for a change.
I am having a bit of a lapse today though.
I got up early before anyone else and was having a coffee looking out the window and thought what the hell am I doing.
It was just looking out at the lovely morning and the garden and remembering the children playing happily yesterday ,washing the car with daddy and spraying each other with the hose.
I thought I will be disrupting everything.

Another lurker here willing you on - I've followed since the beginning and remember some of your previous threads. Read through them again Stars to give you a bit of strength- a bit of splashing around with a hose doesn't even begin to compensate for the bullying and abuse you and the dc's are suffering.

Keep going, everyone's behind you.

Yep - go back to the beginning Stars - read a thread from 2006 and remind yourself how you got here... a few hours in a week does not make a good father or husband, and if you were out, your kids would only have to see him for the fun stuff, not be subjected to the rest of it...

Good Morning! Am hardly awake yet, but checking up on you! Am supposed to be online lokking for a good place for a fry up to go for breakfast with DH and DC.
You really really know that it's not an idealyillic (sp?!) existence there with happy children playing in the garden and a loving Dad. I think that may just be delaying tactic tricks your mind is playing on you as it's so scary to make a move and face change- better the devil you know for folks like us who are anxious about almost ANYTHING that involves doing ANYTHING.
I know it's scary and difficult but like climbing out of a pit that you've fallen into, you need to do it, you can't sit down there and rot. (sorry so graphic!)
Anyway you have lovely rescue team to pull you out in the form od Dreadpirate , etc. Does Dread pirate have long Dreads down her back and an eye patch BTW? That's how I picuire her, but glamourous in a "Tank Girl" kind of way, if anyone is weird enough or old enough to remember Tank Girl Comic and film.
Anyway enough gibberish from me- I need to get out for some greasy fry up. Just think of your DH and that idealyic image will fade and you'll think "Shit, yeah, I do want to get the hell out of here!"Good luck

dreadpirate looks nothing like a pirate.
She looks very sophistiacated and has a lovely calming tone to her voice.

thanks everyone will have are read of the old threads for a memory jolt.
Although H has just provided a memory jolt himself.

I was hanging out the washing amnd DD came out to the garden and asked if I would carry a stool upstairs for her as she wanted to sit with H and DS who were looking something up on the computer.
I took the stool and asked if DD could sit with them.
H just shouted "don't bloody interfere."
I told him to move over so I could put the stool between him and DS and he just said "if you hit my leg with that stool you will both be in big trouble"

Do you know, I have a picture of your H in my mind (not pretty!) and I cannot put an age on him. He comes across as being about 16, which is probably doing a great disservice to actual 16 year olds. He acts like a moody teenager. How old is he?

I would hate my children to have to listen to such outbursts. This is not a healthy thing for them to hear from their father. Such a lack of basic respect towards their mother, (amongst other things). I expect the nice tableau of the dc's washing the car with daddy has just been blown away.

What an arse.

In fact, what a nasty arse.

Morning Stars

Just a quick one from me as I need to get ready for a visitor.

I saw that someone yesterday gave you some insight into life as the child in the abusive relationship.

I'd like to give you some insight about the difference in the relationship that I had with my father when I was in that situation, and the relationship that we have now.

As a child I was terrified of him, as was my sister. He was our father, and as such we loved him and yearned for his attention and affection, but we knew the tone and the stare, and we heard the arguments and the comments.

It inevitably got worse as we got older, and though my mother wasn't strong enough to make the break from the relationship, my sister and I desperately wanted out. We weren't aware of WA or childline, and on more than one occasion we took ourselves to the local police station to report the injuries that my mother had sustained so that they were on record. We hoped that this would provide the motivation for her to leave (ie, if it's serious enough for the police to get involved, it's serious enough to go), but it did not.

Trying to get ourselves out of the situation lead to both myself and my sister becoming entangled in (separate and different forms of) troublesome environments which have had lasting consequences.

I left home on my eighteenth birthday, having told my father exactly why I was going. His response was to give me money. The abuse continued, and now not only did I have to listen to what was happening at the family home, but I had myself identified as being an adult and so started to be the victim of a lot more of the emotional abuse.

My sister and I eventually reasoned with my mother and she agreed to leave. That was six years ago, and my sister has not spoken to or seen my father since.

My relationship with my father has been quite odd since that day. I know that he felt betrayed by me to some extent, and I have never been able to forgive the abuse.

OUr relationship was rocky for the first couple of years, but he calmed down his drinking and effectively started his life over. I now see him once a month or so for a couple of hours over food/coffee and the experience is very pleasant.

I'd like to think that he has changed, but I am fully aware that he used to put on a very good "front" to the outside world, and myabe he's doing the same to me now? I'll probably never know.

What I'm trying to say in a round-about type of way, is that if I could go back and change everything I'd have much rather spent a couple of hours with him every few weeks where he was pleasant, and listened, and appreciated the time.

My experiences as a child led me to leave an emotionally abusive relationship (I discovered not long after that I was pregnant), and raise my child alone. Despite knowing how it could have turned out, there are times when I worry that I am depriving my daughter of a father.

The simple truth is that I am not depriving her of a father - he is. I would much rather her not have a father, or possibly have one later in life, than have the type of father that I had.

The car washing and playing with hoses on a weekend can continue when your H has the kids for visits. A snippet of quality time with him can still exist, and all of the other time for "normal day to day life" can be enjoyed without the vitriol and hurt.

Sorry for the essay and any spelling mistakes - I can't bring myself to re-read it.

Hope that you have a good day today Stars

girlandboy-he is 48 ,so no teenager,although that is in question with the way he acts.

He is currently hoovering and came in the kitchen earlier and tries to hug me and said it's nice to see me up and about today.
Jekell and Hyde springs to mind.

Billsilver-thank you for sharing your story which must have been as you say difficult to write.
I appreciate it.
I would hate to think in years to come my children posting on mumsnet of how they wished their mother had left their father.

Hope you have a nice day with your visitor.

Hopefully the day will improve for me.