To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

But you know, stars, what you refer to as him making an effort, just makes my skin crawl as it's arguably even worse than when he's being vile. He's expecting you to roll over and be grateful, without reference to the horrid stuff that's just gone before. How can he seriously expect you to forget all those things?

Stars - my dh is 48 too, and I am 43. So, very similar to yourselves.

However, the main difference is that my dh respects me, and I him. My dh also doesn't drink. I am quite shocked by the amount of gin that your H seems to get through. This is a big contributory factor in his behaviour towards you. He is a 48 year old man but can't seem to behave like one. You deserve better.

I am glad to see that you have nearly come to terms with leaving. I'm sure it won't be too much longer until I can wave my pom-poms with joy that you and the dc's are away from his poison.

Hope you have a peaceful day.

Stars - how mean am I being to hope that H stays nasty over the next few days? Because I think you're getting strong enough now to be able to shut out most of it, and if he's showing his true colours then maybe your niece and I can persuade you to leave on Wednesday... Put some stuff together while we've got 2 cars handy, grab the kids from school, take you to a pick-up spot for WA, take the stuff you don't need straight away to store for you for a bit...

Just say the word

And phone WA in the morning - check on availability... And I can phone Tuesday morning (cos I know you've got appointments), then you can phone Wednesday, and say that today's the day...

Please?

And thanks for the 'sophisticated' - but I would much rather look like Tank Girl

"He is currently hoovering and came in the kitchen earlier and tries to hug me and said it's nice to see me up and about today.
Jekell and Hyde springs to mind."

Sorry but that sounds like the way a cat licks its victim to soften it up...

Hi Stars its a nice day up here too I am in and out with washing as I only have a little line in a yard.

Yesterday when I said you will start to feel nothing, I meant nothing as in indifference. At the moment you are still feeling a lot - all negative towards him, but he is still poking at your emotions.

Trust me there will come a day when you will look at him and you won't even hate or dislike him, you will feel nothing at all.

I had to get rid of that bedding and kitchen stuff that I was keeping for you (we recently moved to a house with much smaller kitchen and a loft extension so no room to keep stuff), but I took it to the midwife who is married to the vicar who collects stuff for womens aid. So you sort of got it anyway.

There was a lady on mumsnet some time last year who had a few abuse threads going (I don't want to put her nickname here) and then she didn't post for a while. Shortly after another mner who lived near here came on to say she was in a refuge waiting to be rehoused.

So you see all the best ladies go via womens aid!

Blurgh at cat licking its victim, sent a shiver down my spine.

clam-I expect what he sees as making an effort is not shouting or criticising.
It is rather un nerving for me never knowing which way he will be.
That is the problem,he expects to forgot all the awful stuff.
dittany-He keeps saying he has seen a difference in me.
He is always telling me to calm down as well and stop shouting in his earhole and nagging,even when I am not shouting.

girlandboy-we are the same ages then,I am 43 in August.
You would think from my description H was in his twenties.

dreadpirate-am still apprehensive,but my mood seems to change daily.

duchesse-good description.
also when he is in one of his arrogant moods he is like the cat thats got the cream.

flibberty,Argh I see,yes would be great to feel nothing instead of all these mixed up emotions.

I had a shopping order delivered on friday so did'nt need any shopping this weekend.
Then H just annonuces he is going to sainsburys,he took the children with him.
He comes back with 8 cans of beer.
So obviuously shopping is'nt problem for him when he needs something!!!

His priorities aren't hard to decipher are they?...

What's the betting he'll use that 'shopping trip' to tell himself he's the responsible parent, and tell you that you can't cope with the basics?

dreadpirate- you are probably right.
He did'nt even ask if there was anything I wanted before he went.
Totally selfish.

dittany -I am getting there.
Everything is so overwhelming at the moment.

He is now cutting the grass and the children are arguing over the swings and keep coming in and out to tell me.
So I just ask H nicely if he could keep an eye on them as he is out there and I get shouted at aggressivly

"
deal with it,I am f..king cutting the grass"

I said I would'nt let him get to me but came through to the lounge and stood there for awhile in shock and felt hurt.
He still gets to me.
I should be used to it.

Oh selfish, selfish man.

And what a mouth on him. What a foul-mouthed piece of work.

Not worth a second look is he.

You shouldn't be used to it, because it shouldn't be happening. Can we set a date for getting you out of there by? You don't need this in your life, and your kids shouldn't be subjected to the abuse and the swearing...

This doesn't have to be your life. It can all be so much better...

Why can't I just do it?

I feel an awful mother for allowing my children to stay in this situation.
Most people would have been long gone.

I have just had a few tears in the bathroom and am feeling very jumpy at the slightest noise.

Stars - serious question. Would you like me to kidnap you? How would it feel if, on Wednesday when your niece is there too, we just said - 'enough now, you're coming with us, let's get the kids.'?

Stars, there probably isn't much your H wouldn't do in order to obtain alcohol, in his twisted mind he wouldn't see this as 'shopping.' After all, that's YOUR job.

His reaction to your dd wanting to join in with her daddy and big brother worried and saddened me. ' If you hit my leg with that stool you will both be in big trouble' I take it 'both' is you and your 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER? What an utter arsewipe. Dose he often seem to favour your ds over his sister? Is this a bit of a theme with his family?

These moments are definately ones to log for future reference, should you ever need it as I know you are worried he might try to seek custody at some point. I cannot see how he would succeed in a million years but it I agree the leaving via WA will strengthen your case imeasurably, as will having a written account of his behaviour, like you have on here!

So Stars, with your parachute woven from the finest mumsnetters, you are nearly set to escape to a better life. Only you can say when it's time to jump and only you can do the jumping but we will all be there to help you fly.

dreadpirate-I don't know,I really don't.

I mentioned to my sister about the WA route and what it would entail re no visits and H coming home and we had just gone and the whole labelling abuse thing and she said that just is'nt me.
She feels I think that I should rent something privately and go and then come back with someone and just tell H I have had enough and can't live like this anymore.

How about:

Stars. You have been evicted from the Big Bastard house. You have 3 days to gather your paperwork. I'm coming to get you....

Cross Posts.

Right then. If you really feel that that's the way you should go, let's do some proper work on getting a place for you on Wednesday.

I have to go now - people turned up in garden and have to go be entertaining, but I'll be back later.

Take care

xx

Stars, going back to something you said yesterday - how you thought Dread would have a few of us in the boot ready to jump out and kidnap you - how would it have made you feel if we were? What I'm trying to say is, are you secretly hoping someone will come and rescue you? Because you know we will!

Cross-posts - I'm free on Wednesday, could be up your way before lunch easily if needed!

x posts purplesponge-yes ,he did mean me and DD.[SAD]
I am not sure if there is a favouritism going on but certainly with the grandparents espeacially FIL possibly.
Reminds me of an incident on holiday last year when we were out for lunch and DD was whinging a bit and H started to try and cause an arguement with me .
He had had a few beers.
In the end he just said take her back to the caravan .
When I refused to leave DS with him he said take your daughter and go and see a solicitor.
Not sure what he meant by that.

dreadpirate has kindly offered to print this thread for me for future reference,thanks dread.

Hopefully will be putting that parachute on soon and closing my eyes and jumping.
Then when I reach the bottom at least it will be with my eyes wide open.

Love the big brother joke dread,that made me smile.

Yes ,we will have a look on weds re housing.
My niece is looking at the moment so knows al the best places to look.
Also that lady from the council was helpful could ring her again.
She gave me a number for a landlord who rents out in ........
Have a nice time in the garden.

PMSL-Now you have worried me-

Only if that's what you want my dear - look deep inside, were you disappointed when we didn't?

Stars, we allow female guests at our refuge as long as they are made aware of why the location needs to remain secret, and also because all the women are there for the same reason it can be an incredibly supportive place when it's late at night and you're feeling a bit low after the children have gone to sleep and the rose tinted specs fall over your eyes and you think well he wasn't all that bad. Those other women will know where you've been and what you've been through because they have all been through similar so they can help you through the dark times.

Also the abuse thing, who else needs to know apart from WA and the council who will rehouse you. You don't actually have to tell anyone else if you don't want to, the school, family and friends don't have to know that you are leaving because he's abusive. If you like you can tell them that you're leaving because of his drinking which is half the truth anyway.

Also leaving to go to the refuge means that you are given priority on the council housing list and help to actually move on from where you are now.

The refuge staff help with all the benefit claims and also can get you grants afterwards to help towards furnishing your new home. I'd really think about how strong you are going to have to be to go it alone in private rented. Is you sister going to be able to on hand 24 hours a day to keep you strong and away from him. Is there going to be adequate security in your house to keep him out if he discovers where you are because the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is as she is leaving or just after she has left.