To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

TheMitsubishiWarriore... what a heartfelt post. to hear that you are feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. I hope you can find the strength to get yourself and DCs to safety; it sounds terrible. You are obviously a very brave woman and YOU ARE NOT making your DH behave that way- he is doing it all by himself.

I hope you can find your way to calmer waters soon. Lots of love and hugs coming your way. xx

Mitsubishi, Stars, so so sorry to read about your situations and hope you find the strength to get out. It took my mother more than 30 years and it makes me so sad she felt too old to settle down with someone else..

I know you´re both worried about your children, but getting them out sooner rather than later will protect them from the bad side of their father and perhaps they can continue to see him on a regular basis. My father didn´t have any real interest in his children at all, I just remember the constant moods and bad atmosphere and violence. And the stare. I remember the relief when he went out and how everybody could then relax. I remember weighing up the option of approaching social services to be able to move out, then finally being able to move out when I was 15. I remember watching my father attempt to kill my mother. On a few occasions. You owe it TO your children to move out of a poisonous relationship, do accept help from organisations like Womens Aid. I wish I had heard of them at the time! I wish MY mother had left my father. Not that I ever told her that till I was grown up.

dreadpirate-that plan sounds ideal and something similar has run through my head many times.
At the moment it feels out of reach for me but I suspose I can make it happen.
I have made other things in my past happen that I thought I could never do,past achievements etc.

mistlethrush-thanks for checking in on me.

mitsubishi-thank you so muchfor sharing your story when I know how difficult it is to put down in words.
Many of these threads I started in the past I typed through tears and found really difficult to write so appreciate you posting yours.
Yourpost really struck a chord with me anfd can realte to similar incidents with H and the children.
Like you when I step in I am told to keep it out of it and then accused of not letting him discipline hos own children.
I too feel hollow and numb most of the time .
I hope you find the strength to walk away,maybe we could support each other and double our strength .

singalong-you are so right,he is behaving that way himself,it is not anything mitsubishi is doing.
I need to keep telling myself that my H chooses to behave this way and whatever I do won't change that.

sachertorte-thank you for posting.
Hearing the others side from a child who lived through it and has now grown up is an eye opener.
I always thought that you should try and stay in a marriage for the childrens sake and put my own feelings aside but of course when those bad times start to impacton the children than you can't do that anymore.
I am sure although my children will be upset with what I am about to do in the long run they will thank me,I do hope so.

Well today has been fairly normal.
H has been washing the car with children and this afternoon I had a bad headache come on so came upstairs to lie down for a bit.
I fell asleep and did'nt realise the time.
Next thing I know H comes stormimng into my room saying it's 6 o clock what are you making for dinner.
I tell him the options and he just starts complaining that he has had the children all afternoon while I have been hiding in my bedroom and that I am pathetic.

I go downstairs and he has started to prepare dinner,I just say am feeling a bit sick with this headache I have so not to make me anything and he shouts I was'nt going to anyway.
He then chucks a few things around and tells me to get out of the kitchen and not interfere.

He has'nt had a drink today ethier so this is just sober/hungover H.

Oh Stars! Even the drink doesn't excuse his behaviour. I drink far too much, but am only ever lovely to my family. He is just a bully. The fact that he drinks just adds to it. The sooner you are out of there the better! I can totally understand how hard it is to leave. It's leaving your life and your family as you know it. Where you are, it might be crap but it is familiar. You know the rules. If you go, everything is uncertain. Schools, houses, money etc etc.

But it can be sorted! It might get harder before it gets better. But it will get better! If you stay as you are it will only get worse.

Hello! I had a day out yesterday and kept wondering if dreadpirate might have kidnapped you off to womens aid

I notice that you mention you get migraines, and from this thread they seem to be when he is home for a full day. (Or you don't mention the ones you get when he's out).
If this is the case then they are caused by the stress of him being in the house.

He was horrible to you about tea, and we can all see that he's just as bad when he's sober. And the children seeing it to like 'even if you are sick you will still wait on me and take my crap'.

Now then, you say there must be one small thing holding you back and you can't work out what it is. Its...

Fear of the unknown.

You know how people say you are better off with the devil you know? I think thats whats stopping you. At the moment you know what you have to deal with everyday and although not pleasant it is the life you know.

Whats stopping you is jumping off that cliff into the unknown. You don't even know if you HAVE a parachute, let alone whether it will open.

We can all be your parachute. Dreadpirate can be the ripcord .

portofino-I think you have hit the nail on the head there.
Everything is familiar at the moment and with my anxiety issues I like to have things planned and orgainised around me.
It's the fear of the unknown.

Will I be able to cope on my own?
Will I be frightened to live on my own with the children?
Will we cope financially?
Will they settle in a new school/area?
Will H and his family make things difficult?
Will H try to get custody of the children as his family have money?

Just a few worries going round in my head.

Although all these things can be addressed once I have left and even when I leave if things undoubtedly will be hard I will have a clear head to sort throgh them without the added anxiety of H being around.

Earlier on the thread someone else came on to post that her partner wasn't nice, someone told her to start her own thread.

I think mitsubishiwarrior should just join onto this one.

(love the name, I just bought a mitsubishi )

Mitswarrior - whereabouts are you, maybe there is a mumsnet coffee and biscuit angel near you too.

x posts flibberty

"fear of the unknown"

That is eerie that we should both post the same thing.

Will I be able to cope on my own?

Hell yes!! You are coping at the moment with sn child in horrible circumstances - and living on your own you won't have the horrible circumstances.

Will I be frightened to live on my own with the children?
People used to ask me if I was frightened living on my own. No, I just loved having my own space and own home where I could live my own life, do what I wanted, eat when I wanted, and have absolutely NO eggshell flooring at all.

Will we cope financially?

Yes I am sure you will. You might feel 'worse off' in say a smaller house and initially on benefits and tax credits. But when I left xp (he had a very well paid job) I had less spending money and at times was totally brassic. But the fact was that all the money that came in was mine to spend as I chose. So I felt better off simply because I could prioritise my money how I wanted. So, you may not be able to buy the children a punnet EACH, but your money won't all be going on gin and tonic, on running his car, on taxis home from the pub.
Also, you said the tax credits go into his bank account when they should go into yours as main carer. You will get the tax credits, child benefit, paid to you and I think you will manage it very well. You can always post on mumsnet for tips on how to manage on reduced income you know those threads are always fab .

Will they settle in a new school/area?
I can't comment on that as my own worst fear when young would have been to move school. But a new area, away from grumpy moody dad? Do you need to ask?

Will H and his family make things difficult?
H will I think definitely. He has convinced himself that you are worse than useless as a mother. You'll just have to prove him wrong. His family? Well they may not actually step in and cause trouble, but blood is absolutely thicker than water so they may close ranks and take his side.

Will H try to get custody of the children as his family have money?
Yes he might try but personally I would cross that bridge when you come to it after you've gone. Would knowing that he would or wouldn't try for custody make any difference to your decision to leave? Thought not.
He works full time and you don't. You'd have to be an incredibly bad mother for courts to decide to give him custody. The fact that HE thinks you are a rubbish mother won't alter a court decision.

There does that help, god my fingers are on fire!!

Stars, I know we're all a long way away, but please, take that leap of faith, we are all here to catch you. There are so many people here who can help, either from experience or just because they care. Remember, the unknown can be exciting as well as frightening - it's YOUR future, can you really keep putting it off? Close your eyes and grab it!

I was thinking of you today, stars, and this is what I thought:

It's like you're climbing a mountain- the peak of the mountain is when you leave your H. You have been amazing at taking one step at a time, but you know how mountains are- the peak doesn't seem to get any closer however much you climb, and they tend to get steeper the higher you go. Also, the air gets thinner so it's hard to breathe, you wonder if you're ever going to be able to make it. Wouldn't it just be easier to go back down? You can't see over the peak and you don't know what's there.

But when you do reach the peak, and begin to descend the other side, you will be able to see where you're heading. It will be tricky at first, you may stumble because walking downhill can be hard work too, but you'll know you're almost there and every step you take will carry you closer to the safe place at the base of the mountain, where you can settle, breathe easy and know the mountain has been conquered and never need be climbed again.

I know, it sounds weird , but I just wanted to let you know my thoughts. xx

flibberty-you must be a fast typer.

I dare'nt get to near dreadspirates boot yesterday in case she had a couple of hidden mumsnetters in there ready to pull me in.

Yes,the migranes,realised as I was typing they do seem to come on when H is around at the weekends.
It's probably all that tension building.

mitsubishi-come and join us on this thread

Love the parachute analogy.
In fact one of my favourite songs at the moment is "parachutes" by Pearl Jam.

THink you have answered everything in my worries list really well.
I will keep re reading and tell myself of course you can do this.
Was thinking I got through my parents and brothers deaths ,although it is still hard at times ,so doing this should be easier.

PMSL-"close your eyes and grab it"
Another good piece of advice I will keep re reading.

i think dittany is talking about what a friend of mine calls 'lame dog syndrome'.

You don't want to leave him cos he won't manage to walk on his own. You are feeling sorry for him. Pity even. And someone famous once said that we pity our enemies.

I think there are stages to ending a relationship. Ie, If you get dumped you go through upset, anger and then nothing.

If you are ending an abusive relation ship the first thing you have to do is accept that its happening to you. Which you have done.

Then you come off the autopilot you've been on for so long which means the emotions all start to come out that have been suppressed for so long. Thats happening now with the extra anxiety attacks, you say anything sets you off crying these days.

Very soon will come the nothing. When you just feel nothing for him or your house at all and when this happens you will be ready to go - when there is no emotional attachment at all to what you have.

I read the last couple of day's posts tonight and think you should go before the wedding, if only so that your children are not in the care of a drunk driver. You would never ever forgive yourself if anything happened, so why put them in a situation where there is any risk of daddy driving them while he's drunk/still over the limit?

In fact give me the location of the wedding and his reg no and I'll phone the police the day after the wedding to have them waiting for him as he leaves the hotel.

Yes i type very fast, I have quite often earned a living at it! Its a dying art this touch typing, very useful for mumsnetting as I can turn round and answer dp without interrupting my flow!!!

I've been working on my pompom cellulite - i wouldn't fit in dreads boot

Stars, another one here who has been watching your thread and quietly wishing you well. I was talking to my dsis about you the other day; it is strange how much you can come to care about what happens to someone you have never met. I, like many others, check the thread regularly to make sure you are ok.

It is testament to your good nature that you try to respond personally to people who have posted, especially those who are sharing experience. It is inspirational the way your strength has grown over the period of your posts; you just need to take one deep breath and one final step, then you can start living free.

Dreadpirate is amazing, as are many of the others who provide you with regular posting support. What has happened on these threads is also a testament to the fact that there are many good people out there, and that the strength of the good will eventually overcome the awfulness of the downright nasty.

Hope that last paragraph didn't sound too blah .

Even if it did, I meant every word, so there. .

dittany-I probably do feel a sense of responsibility to him.
You are right about my mother.
She was ill through most of her life ,in and out of hospitals but throughout all that always managed to keep the family together and do her best for us.
Towards the end she was very dependant on us all which she hated.
She was my hero.
My father was the most mild mannered man you could come across and a real support to my mum and us all.
What would they think of how I have stayed in this situation for so long?
My brother died 3 months after my DD was born and his death was due to alcohol abuse.
This is very upsetting to write,but he died all alnoe in his flat.

Normal to me is how Hbehaves and I have to somehow realise that that is not normal and people do lead different lives.

singalong-thank you,loved reading that.
I used to do a lot of walking before meeting H and was a bit of a castle fanatic.(sad but true)
Remember visiting a selection in Wales and particularly Harlech Castle which was up a hill.
Remember the feeling climbing the hill and up to the top of the castle,the view was breathtaking.

flibberty-I feel nothing for the house and as for him I feel hate sometimes,contempt,angry,bitter,sadness.
As for love thinkg that has all been worn away and can't even remember any good times with joy.

The wedding-hopefully we can be gone by then.

Stars you sound so close to going now. You sound so calm.

x posts -ataraxis-thank you for your support.
I have been so lucky to have so many mumsnetters looking out for me.
They have all been amazing and all for a stranger.

That will probably be along with my final burst of strength that will make me up and go one day.

twinklystars-I feel pretty calm this evening.

My headache has gone now so may go and get myself a bowl of clotted cream vanilla ice cream with chopped nuts on top and sit in bed and mumsnet listening to the radio.

Also, again from my experience as a teacher, your children would settle in at a new school. I'm sure that you would talk to the school about the fact that you'd just left an abusive husband, and they would offer support to your children. Also you can take any IEPs/Statements to the new school and they can continue working on your ds's target.

If your ds has hours allocated to him this should transfer too. Yes it would be sad to say goodbye to established 1:1 support, but this often happens at the end of each year anyway. Anyone who does that job is usually very kind and warm and will make so much effort to help your ds settle down.

Moving now would give your dc most of the summer term to get used to their new school, make some friends and then they would go back in September feeling that it was a familiar place already.

dittant-I know my parents would'nt have critised me but would have wanted me out of the situation.
As I said my father was mild mannered but this would have sent him over the limit.

Maybe subconsciously I am thinking of my brother and then relating that to H.
Although as I have mentioned before it was after my brothers funeral that H dropped me and the children off and went out on a drinking binge coming home really drunk.
What a time to remind me of the effects of alcohol.{sad]