To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

I know, I know, I can't help myself I was in A&E with DS half the night and lack of sleep is confuzzling me! Sorry if you're mentally scarred now...

's at PMSL LOL!!

Another lurker wishing you ALL the very best stars.....hope you get a brighter more beautiful for you and your Dc's.

Have read thread but not in a position to help... It is good to see you have some great support.
some of the folk here are inspiring when you feel it is too much

Hi everyone,

just nipping on quickly as have a mad time since the children come out of school.
They are currently making glue with flour and water and most of the flour is all over the kitchen.

Just wanted to thank dreadpirate for taking the time to come over for a total stranger (not so much a stranger now) and being so kind and helpful.

She has been sent as my saviour.
We got on really well,I hope she will agree.
It is heart warmimg to know there are people out there like dreadpirate.

OK ,mutual appreciation society,she also has great taste in clothes,is a great listener and does'nt look her age,which I won't divulge.

Oh and she has fab recipe tips.

Hi Stars,

I read through what happened yesterday and planned to come back with a supportive 'been there, done that' post last night but fell asleep when I put dd to bed

What I really wanted to say to you was this - don't worry about yesterday. All of the information you were wanting can be gotten before or after you leave.

I have a history of depression/anxiety and related problems. I made an appointment for myself back in January with my GP, and despite the fact that I have been through this before, have a lovely GP and know that there's nothing to worry about, I couldn't leave the house.

I ended up calling the surgery and having a short appointment over the phone. I briefly discussed the problems that I was having, but probably did more crying than talking! My GP asked me to make an appointment to see her in person, and I think that having opened the box on those feelings (as it were) by putting them out there, it was a lot easier to go to my next appointment as the anxiety around how to broach the subject and admit the way that I was feeling had lessened.

I really do think that you're doing an amazing job of keeping everything together despite the terrible behaviour and constant put downs from your H. It is incredibly admirable that you are working towards a better future for your children.

In all of your recent posts the growing strength within you has been very apparent, and of all the different scenarios/incidents that have been described, not once have you come across as anything other than a wonderful mother who wants the best for her children.

Your H is an abusive bully, and unfortunately some people do not recognise emotional abuse. What you are experiencing is very real.

I'm so pleased that you met with Dreadpirate today (hasn't she been amazing?!), and hope that something comes up with the WA nearer to your sister very soon.

Stars you sound so much happier today, meeting with Dread obviously did you the world of good.

I hope the children made lots of mess and had a fabulous time making their glue, I have fond memories of doing this as a child, a cheap and easy way to keep them amused!
Have you tried letting them mix cornflour and water together? The effect is amazing and facinates both children and adults!

I hope his royal knobend behaves himself tonight, and leaves you in peace.

hiya stars! glad you had a nice time with dread..... once or twice in everyones lifetime we come across a friend who will change our lives for the better, sounds like dread is that friend for you ,.

Hi,first chance I have had to post.

Am sure the children will make new friends fairly quickly,that is one thing that concerns me.

The WA said today that they would help to orgainise a new school suitable for DS for his SN and within walking distance as I don't drive at the moment.
Also that schools will be used to dealing with this sort of situation re H turning up.
One thing dreadpirate was saying today is that the school they currently go to the school field backs onto our back garden so if H stayed in this property he would be right near the children.

vole3-that's really kind of you.
AS dreadpirate can vouch for I love cookery books,I gave her all my most heaviest ones to carry away with her today.

Flibberty I will try to stop making excuses for him,I guess I see the good in everyone,which is what got me in this mess in the first place I except.

Back door would be a good idea.

Thanks to all the lurkers who have joined the thread,it is much appreciated.

PMSL-that is eerie,I heard that song on the radio the other day and thought it suited me at the moment.
How is your DS now?

Was thinking "I will Survive" would be a good one as well.

Am looking forward to playing loud music and eating whatever we want and being able to relax once the children are in bed.
Also being able to mumsnet in peace without being asked what I am doing.

mitsuibishi-thanks for the link,will have a read.

billsilver-am looking to book another appointment with the doctor ,I wish I had gone to this weeks.
I can empathise with not wanting to leave the house,well done to you for going to your next appointment.
I hope I can.

purplesponge-will try the cornflour idea.
I do feel a lot better tonight meeting with dread and it was the first time in a long time I have had someone to talk to face to face who I felt understood me.
She was brilliant.

drlove8-yes dread was a good friend to have and hopefully she will come back next week if I have'nt scared her away.

Well tonight H came in at 7.30 ,a friend dropped him off and DS straight away asked him where the car was.
He told DS daddy has had a few beers so got a lift.
Then he annouced he was hungry and I said not knowing when he was coming in had'nt made him anything so was promtly told to put something on for him.

He was discussing the wedding again and out of the childrens earshot told him that I hope he realised he would'nt be able to drink on the saturday and drive home with the children the next day.
I was told it was none of my concern as I was not coming with them.
I obviously said when it involves the children it is my concern.
He just said so I have to drive all the way to .... (6-7 hours ) stay sober
an dthen drive back the next day ,why do you think I am so fed up about it.

He kept saying why don't you come.
So Iexpect he wants me to go so he can drink and I can look after the children.
But as I explained even if I did go he still would'nt be able to drink as I don't drive.

Am thinking I don't want him taking them now.

Spoke to my sister this evening and told her H was making an effort after a fashion and how I was feeing guilty and she just said that's just 2 weeks of effort compared to years of abuse.

I've been reading your posts since the beginning and haven't posted as yet, just want to say, be strong, keep on moving forward as you are, you are going to have such a happy time in the future. This line is, in my opinion, used often, but I mean it quite sincerely....he really doesn't desarve you.

deserve!!....ooops

Oh stars, so glad you met Dread and she's as lovely as she sounds and apparently you're lovely too but we could tell that already. What a wonderful thing mumsnet is, huh?

Just wanted to add my encouragement really, you have taken your brave steps one at a time so far, so you just need to keep on doing that. Sure enough, one of those steps will take you out of that house forever. Keep going, stars, and you will get there. It's so close now and so no wonder you're feeling the strain.

I agree with the other posters that there's making an effort and then there's trying a new tactic. Chances are he has sensed a change in you and is worried about what it means. When you look back you will be able to feel confident that you gave him every chance and you couldn't have done more- he has had plenty of time, plenty of chances. But you do deserve better and you will always be at risk when you are with him.

Just remember we are all with you, in motherhood, sisterhood and biscuithood. xx

Thanks Stars, just a scary fall, nothing wrong but you know how long it takes in A&E sometimes!

You know, from that post you sound so... there - is it sinking in do you think? No pressure, honestly, but I'll be surprised if you're not out of there very soon. OK, there have been a couple of steps backwards, but everything seems to be falling into place for you - I hope looking over what you've done so far is helping you realise just how much strength and fight you've got inside, and I hope it carries you right out of that door and to WA!

You expect him to drive all that way and for him to remain sober?!! How cruel and unusual! The United Nations should be informed Great attitude towards his DC's safety being displayed there.

His "effort" is still sounding pretty poxy to me I must admit.

Really glad you had such a good day with Dread, and lovely to see you posting in such fine form

Stars your sister is spot on about how your feeling - dont be guilty , you deserve to be happy .Start thinking about how you'd like your new home, light and airy or cosy and comfy?....make little plans,just for you and decide the first thing you want to do without dh that millstone around your neck!

Stars - Of course you haven't scared me away! Will expect another invite for next week

And thinking maybe we should get you out of there before the wedding then? You can phone and apologise once you're out, and from what you say it sounds like future SIL will understand (if I've kept the family straight in my head).

Not very lovely at the moment - have been left by neighbour to puppysit with a bottle of wine - slightly drunken yoga imminent

Hopefully I am moving forward although sometimes it does'nt feel that way.

I have given him so many chances over the years and can't see things changing in the future.
Even if they were to as I said to dreadpirate today it is too late ,too much to forget and forgive.

It is sinking in and tonight has confirmed it even more.
Watching him pouring yet another gin and tonic ,swaying all the place ,eyes nearly shut ,I don't want to spend my nights with just that to look forward to.

Yes,the wedding,is it too much to ask so the children can have a great day out that he could abstain from alcohol for just 2 days.

In fact I was discussing with dreadpirate today if I got a terrace house to rent how I would arrange the rooms etc.

dreadpirate-my niece has said wednesday would be a good day for her next week,if that is ok with you?
Yes ,it is future SIL.
Drunken yoga sounds fun.

Stars, I used to teach and I can promise you, once informed, schools are very good at only letting children go with the right person, especially at the ages your dc are. If you inform the school (speak to the head - s/he can inform all the relevant staff) that you are the main carer and are worried as your husband is an alcoholic / abusive ex-p they will understand.

They will only let the children go with you, and if you ask can ring you before letting them go with anyone else. Parents always had to introduce anyone else who would be picking up too. I don't know if that helps, I meant to say something earlier.

Wednesday's great for me. Same time?

And reading about your evening, I'm glad he didn't make more of an effort and therefore subject you to more og his company

Dear Stars

I've only posted on the thread once because although I've had a friend in a similar situation as yours and know how she never looked back after leaving her shit of an ex I do tend to expect/want others to act as I would which isn't always the way they want to handle things. My suggestions would be just go now, tomorrow, don't put up with this shit for a minute more but I understand that you have to do things in your own way, in your own time. Whilst my DP would be out on his ear in a heartbeat if he had behaved like your DP, I am fortunate that he just isn't like that. Yes, he can drive me mad but he cooks, cleans and treats me with love and respect. That's normal and I think your H has a warped view of family life and marriage. Very warped and very sick.

I've read all your old threads and my god, what an absolute arse. You know he is getting worse and isn't going to get any better regardless of the two weeks of 'effort' he's begrudgingly made. He expects you to thank him and be grateful for being slightly less of a twat? Not good enough.

His drinking is getting worse, he must have a permanent hangover which is probably why he is always in a bad mood and it won't be long before it starts affecting his work. He probably thinks he's doing ok, hiding it and coping but he'll start making mistakes, forgetting things, losing his temper with colleagues and needing a drink earlier and earlier. I've seen it, I worked with an alcoholic who thought he had it under control. Not so, he got sacked. You need to be out of there if and when that happens.

Please go, as soon as you can. Your children will be fine, they'll adjust much quicker than you will. My friend's did. You owe him nothing. Having read your old threads he clearly only cares about himself. I suspect that when you do go that he will drink himself stupid and then it will be clear to all why you have gone. And maybe that needs to happen so he can get the help he needs. But that shouldn't be your concern. You and your kids deserve far more than what you have now. Please find the strength to go and find a happier, calmer life away from him. It is ready and waiting for you and you must believe that.

I wish I was closer to you so I could help with practicalities. If only you were in Yorkshire, my neighbour is a landlord and has a few empty properties. You'd have one tomorrow.

Stay strong Stars, you know we're all behind you.

Another Iong-term Iurker here (whose eI key has just stopped working so having to use capitaI i instead)

I used to work in famiIy Iaw but have been out of the Ioop for a few years now so don't feeI I can reaIIy comment. IegaI aid was going down the pan a few years ago so she may be right about you not quaIifying, BUT a decent soIicitor shouId heIp you work something out eg you can pay once the financiaI eIement of the divorce is settIed etc.

I did a Iot of restraining orders in my day and my gut instinct is that you wouId be abIe to get one on the facts.

If he doesn't agree to a divorce then he's an idiot and it wiII cost him a fortune. No one contests divorce any more (or hardIy anyone). But it shouIdn't take five years.

I know a very nice famiIy Iawyer in MiIton Keynes (though not sure if she stiII does IegaI aid work) - is that anywhere near you? She may be abIe to speak on the phone initiaIIy. If you or dreadpirate want to emaiI me then I can pass on detaiIs - it's jennie stevenson at googIemaiI dot com

Good Iuck - another one rooting for you here

Sorry, hope it's readabIe with aII the IIIs [bIush]

Forgot to say, I think you wouId have a very good argument for staying in the house, if that's what you want. Grr, if you'd come to me then I'd have got you an occupation order and he'd be gone tomorrow

Thank you twinklystars,that puts my mind at rest.

dreadpirate-same time is fine,thanks.
He went to bed fairly early,snoring away so felt more relaxed.

technofairy-thanks for your support.
I know I should not prolong this any longer for the childrens sakes and feel I am nearly ready to go ,something is me holding back and am desperatly trying to work out what that is.

Ditavon- thank you for the information.
The solicitor as you may have read was a waste of time.
I am not really near Milton Keynes but was nice of you to think of me.
The house is very complicated.

Stars - maybe you just need to shut your eyes and imagine that it's 5 years from now and you still haven't gone. Or even 3 weeks from now and you've been bullied into going to the wedding after all. Maybe you just have to accept that you can't be responsible for his wellbeing, and that he's never going to take responsibility for his own wellbeing while he can still pretend to the world that everything's normal.

I don't know that you will get a moment of revelation - unless he does take a significant turn for the worse again. Maybe it's a question of just deciding that it's going to be as soon as a place is available at the refuge, or as soon as a place is available after next week?

Now close your eyes and imagine it's five years from now. You left next week, and after some initial uncertainty and adjustment you're now in a nice house with your kids. They're well settled at school, and their friends are coming over this afternoon. You're planning a nice supper for this evening, and then maybe you'll do some coursework for the training you've taken on in addition to the part-time job you're happy in. Tomorrow you'll have the day to yourself as H (who's at least addressed his drinking, and if he's sometimes still rude you don't have to let it worry you now) is taking the kids to the beach for the day. So you're thinking of doing a little light pottering around the house, maybe reading a book - you have no fixed plans and no-one to answer to...

Does that work?

I wish I was off to do a little light pottering now, but sadly it's more of a house blitz required... Hope you get back on tonight

xx

How does that feel?

Hope all's going well this weekend Stars

Stars...I understand the little thing that stops you from making that move.

My situation is similar to yours, a look, a tone of voice, scorning your opinions, questioning your decisions, Jealousy,

H drinks. Two weekends he got angry but nothing massive ensued. He asked me what was wrong the next day, and I expressed how unnerving it was when he drank like that. He wasn'ty drunk when we discussed it but he was very annoyed and stopped speaking to me.

Las weeken he was drinking, but not drunk. My 11 yr old DS came in late with an attitude issue. He fell out with me over supper and as a result threw a loaf of bread on the floor. I started to hoover it up. As the sound of the hoover died, I could hear screaming. I want to DS's bedroom where H had him pinned down on the floor, ripping his clothes off because DS had refused to get in his pyjamas. I calmly said I should take over twice, and he roared at me to get out. that it was all my fault for rejecting him. So what he was doing didn't matter. I then shouted at him to leave, he turned to me with his hands raised, but after more shouting left the house.

I sobbed with my two DC's for 1/2 hr and then settled them.

By about 1am after a number of unpleasant phonecalls and texts...he returned.

I can not speak of the guilt and the shame that he is still here, one minute trying to be concilliatory and affectionate and the next bridling with irritation at my quietness. He is being good with the kids. If he gets even half drunk. I call the police.

But he can be so sweet and it used to confuse me. Now I feel hollow. And if I think of that night I feel violently sick.

Why haven't I left? Fear, disbelief, thinking I will wake up and it is all a nightmare, thinking maybe it is my fault, but he was like that when I WAS loving and supportive, and I don't think I ever made any exes behave like that. Because when I say it is it, he will cry and stop eating, and threaten to disappear or worse.

And I think I am swimming upstream as it is.

But least of all do I want to ever take my DS to casualty becuase his Dad had hurt him in a drink fuelled outburst.

So I must find that thing in me that has the courage to walk away. And I hope you do stars, because this is it. The one shot we get at life, and everybody deserves it to be the very best it can be.