To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

stars - I haven't done it for a while but we used to have an arrangement (I work for homeless familes) with the police that if someone wanted to return to their house and there was a potential threat. The person who left could phone the police. Arrange a meeting place and then go with the police to the house (usually only for about 15 minutes but it allows for you to go back and get more stuff).

Might be worth seeing if your local station does a similar thing.

You are doing brilliantly.

I remember a similar look from an ex 10 years ago. 'You are not worthy even of contempt'

oh forgot to say I used to have lots of panic attacks.., they are horrible things. Havent had one for about a year.

I had them daily for a while.

It took me ages to realise that the thing I used to dread most about them was that I would actually have one!

i then realised that if I had one that nothing bad would actually happen so I might as I well go ahead and have one.

As soon as I stopped caring about whether or not they were going to happen they stopped.

They can't harm you in anyway physically. And who cares what anyone thinks while you're having one.

My house is also at the moment. And I've only got one ds to work around. Dh has been away on a course this week - and I've had to do everything myself rather than share it with dh - I do work FT at the moment which doesn't help. However, you already do everything for your dc - the change will be that you will be able to do what you want, when you want when you leave.

I can understand your concern about moving around. I think that it might be helpful finding out from WA whether it might be possible to get on the COuncil needs list in your sister's town from the WA where you are. If that is a possibility it would be the same number of moves. The difference you would have would be that you could go tomorrow - or next week, whereas you don't know when you might be able to get to the WA in your sister's town.

On the other hand, think of it like this. If you went to WA in your current town, your dcs could continue in their existing school - perhaps the one thing remaining constant at the start of such a major change might be helpful - at least ds would have some familiar faces who might be able to help him come to terms to some extent with the situation. Then, even if you did have to move to the WA in your sister's town, you could already have sorted out schools, possibly had some initial settling in etc.

I hope you have a good chat wih DreadPirate tomorrow. Keep positive.

The thinc about the panic attacks like today is nothing bad did happen and then later I felt disappointed with myself that I did'nt manage to go to the appointments.

I am hoping I would'nt need the police if I wanted to return to collect more things.
Although I expect as soon as FIL finds about this he will be over on the next plane to change the locks.
I may be wrong.

It will be difficult for both children as they have both made some great friends here.

Well, once you've got your driving licence x isn't too far from y for the occasional playdate?

And you can cross the FIL-bridge when you come to it.

I've also been thinking about the house/trust thing. If it is in trust, and your H isn't one of the trustees, then that would suggest to me that perhaps FIL doesn't trust his son, and is a coward where he is concerned. Would that seem likely?

You know what - they will make great friends in their new location. They will also benefit from a close relationship with your sister and niece.

What they can't currently do is make their mum happy.

Or stop their father drinking

Or stop their father abusing their mother.

Re the schools things - ask the lady at WA how other women handle it. They will have encountered exactly the same fears as yours a hundred times before and they'll have good ideas for how to best work it.

I think living with an abusive father is going to do much more damage than moving to live in peace and love with a mother who is clearly devoted to them... even if initially the change is unsettling.

I would vote for keeping your dc in their current schools initially - particularly your ds with his sn. He can keep the same assistant, same classrooms, same routine, etc, which will be really important to him when other aspects of his life are changing. Also you can ask the school for help re DH turning up. You don't have to go into masses of details, but believe me, they will have encountered it before and they will know what to do. They might well already have other children there who live at the shelter.

Stars, another question for WA that you can ask is what steps could you take to prevent your H from taking showing up at the school and taking the children with him. They will have undoubtedly had experience of dealing with this senario before and will be able to tell you where you stand legally.

I know you are really concerned for your children, ds in particular but the disruption will only be for a very short time and you will have the rest of your lives to settle into a new routine. I urge you to consider the disruption your children are already enduring, due to their father's unpredictable behaviour and violent mood swings, never knowing when he will be home, what he will be like, will he shout at mummy? will he be nice daddy or will he be grumpy? Life must be pretty unsettled for them already stars, and it's all down to him.

The one consistant, stable, nurturing influence they have in their lives though stars is YOU !!! You are always there for them, whenever they need you. I bet it's you who goes to them if they wake in the night, we already know it's you who takes them to all their appointments, who runs their day to day lives.

NONE of that is going to change Stars, the place you do it all in will but the most important part of your children's lives is YOU !!!

Of course they love their Dad, and of course they need him too, but at the moment he is putting his own needs above everyone and everything else and until HE changes that, you have to do what you have to do.

I hope you and Dread have a lovely meet up tomorrow, eat LOADS of biscuits for me, I've just had a gasrtic band op so am a biscuit free zone!

That would be GASTRIC! Duh!

Stars - headed for bed now, will check on here before I leave tomorrow, but looking forward to coffee.

Hi Stars.
I have been watching this thread and cheering you with every step you make.
I am in the NR34 area and planning to donate some things to the local WA, but if you want first dibs for your new home you are welcome.

Enjoy tomorrow with Dread, the first of many tomorrows that you can look forward to.

PS also have a huge cookbook collection so may have copies of your favourites if you have to be selective.

I was going to say something similar to purplesponge.
That what your son is witnessing every day now is possibly damaging him more than moving location a couple of times.

When my older sister's husband left her, her friends all went 'oh my god, how will you manage ON YOUR OWN with 3 children' she told them all that she'd been doing more or less just that for years.

As have you. How can you wonder if you will be ok on your own with the children? How will looking after them 24/7 be any different to now when you have them, er, lets face it, 24/7.

At night you will just sit in peace and go ahhhhhhhh over a glass of wine, no waiting to see what time he comes in from the pub, no waiting to hear him snoring in his drunken stupor.

ALso, lots of us said it but STOP STOP STOP finding his 'trying' making it harder for you to go.

He isn't trying AT ALL!! All he's doing is still being shit to you then giving you a kiss and saying 'I still love you even though you are horrible to me'

Thats not trying! Thats being nasty, manipulative and trying to put all the blame for everything on to you.

Finally, forget jaffa cakes, get some hobnobs in!

hope you guys have a great meetup, enjoy those biscuits, and I hope pirate isn't really dread (or even dead - still chuckling over that, sorry)

"Although I expect as soon as FIL finds about this he will be over on the next plane to change the locks."

Why don't you make a copy of the back door key? When people change locks, they never think about that one...

I have been lurking on this thread for a while now and just wanted to say keep strong and keep focused stars, think about how much better your life is going to get once you leave him, i know it is hard and scary and you worry about your dc but it is going to be soooo much better than the alternative - staying and living a miserable existance and wasting your precious years with this horrible man.

Just remember you only get one shot at life, and every day you spend with him is another day wasted. We are all behind you and supporting you. Keep strong lady

Morning Stars, I've had this song running through my head for a few days now, every time I think of it I think of you too! I'll be singing it to myself today and shaking my pompoms/anything else that wobbles, go for it girl!

Oh, and I'm eating those yummy Bahlsen orange choc biccies today, they were BOGOF that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Just hope you're having a nice chat and coffee with DreadPirate.

Stars I haven't posted on here for a while but just wanted to add my support again.

I'm sorry you've taken a knock to your confidence this week - and I'm so glad that you are with Dreadpirate now to help you build back up again.

I'm hoping and hoping that DP will post here later to say that she has spirited you away

STars you will cope fine on your own with the children. It will be soooooo much easier. You won't be treading on eggshells, you won't be worrying about when he's going to get in and what he might say/do when he does. You won't be worrying about whether your children are picking up his habits of disrespect and arrogance.

You will be deciding what you want to eat for dinner, without worrying about what complaints he will inevitably make about it.

You will take the bins out when you feel like it.

You will care for your children the way you know is right.

You will be able to put music on loud and dance around the kitchen with the kids and not make dinner until 9o'clock because you are all having so much fun.

You will be able to cover the kitchen table with painting stuff and make a mess and NOT CLEAR IT UP UNTIL TOMORROW if you want to.

Please don't live this half existence any longer. Your kids will be fine, even if you do have to move them around a couple of times before you find your own place. It will be worth it and they will adapt and settle down.

Just popping in to see how you're getting on. Hope you're enjoying your time with dreadpirate

Just a quick post to say - I have met Stars and she is lovely

Had a lovely long chat, called WA with a few questions, got Stars some more information, and took away a whole load of cookery books. Am hoping for another invite next week, when I can pick up a few more things, and talk some more.

BTW - the red hair is fab, and she has great taste in clothes and colourschemes

Yay! I'm having a Netmums sparkly hearty emoticon moment thinking about everything you've done DreadP

Netmums!

Oh dread... Well done to you... You really are amazing. Never doubt it or think your not worthy of a bit of praise. I bet Stars doesn't feel so alone now. Although we've been in cyberspace with her and supporting her you have become REAL LIFE!!!

Hope your day was good stars... Was thinking about you soo much today while I was at work I was wondering if you had left or not... Can see you haven't but its all ok. When your ready... xxxx