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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

1000 replies

chickenmama · 06/04/2009 17:40

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

OP posts:
clam · 23/04/2009 11:10

Look at last night through an outsider's eyes:

"did'nt you hear me knocking?"
"Making me look like a f..king idiot"
"what you were doing in here that was so important?"

I asked if he would like any dinner seeing as he usually complains what I cook for him
and he just started saying

"WEll yes,I have been at work all day"
"a concept you don't understand anymore seeing as you have'nt worked for 7 yrs"
"simple really is'nt it?"

And then he SERIOUSLY says you're horrible to him?

Just who does he think has been looking after the children for those 7 years, anyway?

We can see that you're mot getting anything out of this marraige anymore, except a lot of stress and grief, but am also struggling to see what he is either. If all he does is gripe and complain, then it may not be such an issue for him if you leave.

And I'm wondering if this "house is in trust for DS" is quite what it seems. Or some ploy to deter you from claiming it? And what about your DD? Strange...

GettingaGrip · 23/04/2009 11:18

Stars my love

Previous posters are right. You cannot do this on your own.

After i left it was a major achievement if i managed to get myself out of bed and dressed that day.

All this planning is too much for you. It would be too much for anyone.

That is what WA are there for. They do all this for you. They are experts. They do this every day.

Call the WA lady today and talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that you need help.

Thats all you have to do. nothing else.

xxxx

vacaloca · 23/04/2009 11:21

Nitemare - great post. Stars, please listen to her. It's a big thing you're doing and anyone in normal circumstances would struggle with it. You're not in normal circumstances, you're under a lot of stress. You DO need help. Please accept it and let people like Dread and the WA help you. Let them take you by the hand and help you and your children to a better life.

vaRIAtyisthespiceoflife · 23/04/2009 11:22

stars, sending my love and support.

I have suffered anxiety and panic attacks, without having to deal with anything like what you're going through, so don't feel bad or embarrassed.

If you can find the strength, talk to WA - a calm, reasonable voice may be a help.

Take care today x

theDreadPirateRoberts · 23/04/2009 11:39

How are you now Stars?

PMSLBrokeMN · 23/04/2009 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CaptainRex · 23/04/2009 11:48

As another panic attack sufferer I totally feel for you. I found they were always worse when I am tired or stressed. So how you are feeling is totally understandable.

You will get through this, and things will get easier

PringlePopper · 23/04/2009 11:49

Stars, I am just wondering if you would feel better if you had someone to go to the appointments with you, someone who understands, who is wonderfully supportive and helpful, someone like DeadPirate perhaps

I hope you are feeling a little better now. Please don't be too hard on yourself over this. Thinking of you

PringlePopper · 23/04/2009 11:50

Ooops! Dreadpirate not Deadpirate!

theDreadPirateRoberts · 23/04/2009 11:59

Pringle - Grrr!
PMSL - have emailed you - thanks!

Stars - you OK?

Flibbertyjibbet · 23/04/2009 12:28

Hi this morning!

Please don't worry you haven't let anyone down. Many of us know those panicky feelings. How you are feeling inside, and the weightloss, not sleeping, are all caused by stress. The stress and strain of your relationship.

Don't worry about the council, they won't have anything definite for you if you aren't actually homeless YET. Because say they said to people in your situation, 'oh yes we have a house coming available next month and you can have it when you've left your marriage'

You will only get their full help AFTER you have become homeless. So anything in advance of that is just them quoting theory and you asking what ifs.

Getagrip is absolutely right.

Your post last night 'he sat opposite me with his drink' yes, with his drink. Not with his wife. He only has a relationship with drink.

Don't forget to add strawberries to his shopping list.

If you get to the council then fab, if not then we will understand that another meeting with more people that may not be able to tell you anything concrete...

starsnstripes · 23/04/2009 12:41

Sorry everyone.
Had a cup of tea and sat on the sofa listening to classic FM and fell asleep for a while.

You have made me feel better re the panic attacks.
It seems a lot of people have the same issues but H always makes me feel I am not normal or strange in some way for having them.

nitemare-that's exactly how I feel.

PMSL-will reply to your e mail,thanks.

Flibberty-I can always ring the council ,the lady I spoke to before was very helpful.
But as you say until I can say I am homeless,which at the moment I am not there is'nt much they can do.

Juxal · 23/04/2009 12:52

Oh stars, you poor thing. I hope you're feeling a bit better after your snooze and music.

You have so much to cope with, with your Horrible Husband. He really is a bastard.

Much sympathy.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 23/04/2009 13:06

Lets get you out there Stars - please? Have you sorted any stuff for me to look after tomorrow? Or do you want to wait until he's gone to work tomorrow? I have a practically empty car at the moment...

starsnstripes · 23/04/2009 13:11

Am feeling a bit calmer now.

dreadpirate-I have all my books together on the bookshelves so will just be a case of taking them off when you arrive tomorrow.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 23/04/2009 13:28

OK. I'm a black no sugar coffee drinker please - shall I bring biscuits?!

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 23/04/2009 14:12

Please, please, please, let DreadPirate take you away tomorrow. You have your list on here of the essentials to take, it shouldn't take long in the morning to throw things in a bag and you can get the kids from school before he even knows you're gone. Everyone is right, get to WA and then sort out appointments with the various organisations.

vaRIAtyisthespiceoflife · 23/04/2009 14:20

if you feel strong enough tomorrow you can at least look on it as the option being there?

easier to have a friendly face with a car rather than having to fret about taxis? (although if all the taxi drivers know your H you might get a fleet of them to turn up to help!)

Hang on to your thought from your post -

By starsnstripes on Mon 20-Apr-09 23:41:20
... yes ,I think the sooner I leave this twat the better

vaRIAtyisthespiceoflife · 23/04/2009 14:22

sorry to quote you, and I'm not putting pressure on you, but that post made me smile and showed you to be forceful and strong. And YOU ARE, it's just hard to remember that sometimes when anxiety takes hold.

hope you feel a litle better after a sleep.

amidaiwish · 23/04/2009 14:55

all these appts can be done later, when you're not overwhelmed, stressed out and (understandably) having these panic attacks. you could do all this surrounded by experts at WA, with people there who can direct you to the right person so you don't have to go through another appt like the solicitors yesterday.

your reaction is entirely normal - i can't imagine that i would be coping anywhere near as well as you in the circumstances.

nitemare · 23/04/2009 15:11

Wow, noone on Mumsnet has ever praised my posts before, now I have both Mistlethrush and Vacaloca giving me the thumbs up! Is it pathetic of me to be so thrilled by that?
Your feelings have been ringing so many bells for me, Stars- I've been reading the thread for a while but barely posted.
I hadn't thought back on my personal escape from hell (though it still continues to some extent- see my recent threadwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/737123-Anyone-else-been-stalked-or-still-being-stalked?msgid=15189558)
but when I think about it I did spend a LONG time trying to concoct a really good plan to get away- applying for jobs in foreign lands even! Totally overcomplicating it and absolutely bricking myself the whole time. In the end it took a very wonderful friend to just come in and drag me out of there and thank God for her.
I think he had beaten me up and I had run out of the house and probably didn't even have shoes on, so I had no choice then- I had to ask someone for help. I phoned my friend from a phone box and finally told her everything. She and her DH came and got me- they took me to theirs- they found a friend of theirs who my ex didn't know at all, had never even heard of, and they sent me to stay with her for three weeks while my ex rampaged around the town looking for me.
My friend insisted that I not have ANY conversation with the ex; no discussions, no debate, as she could see that he would just twist my mind (his speciality- and it sounds like Starsnstripe's DH's speciality too)
She was my go between and her and her DH took a very large bloke with them and retrieved some of my stuff.
She went round all the people we knew and the people I worked for and told them that he wasn't to be believed; she told them what he'd done to me over the years (he was very plausible to the outside world, but an absolute nutjob)
I will never be able to thank her enough for giving me my life back; I would never had been able to do it on my own, I know that.
People were so kind to me after I finally left; I was so touched. And they tried to keep me safe from him.

Horton · 23/04/2009 15:12

Oh yes, please let Dread take you away from all this horrible stuff that is grinding you down tomorrow. Let those nice people at WA take some of the weight of responsibility. They want to help you. Please let them!

Flibbertyjibbet · 23/04/2009 15:20

Today I have eaten a greggs pastie and scoffed 4 chocolate covered marshmallow thingies.
I thought I better get my cellulite up to pompom shaking standard.

PMSLBrokeMN · 23/04/2009 15:59

I win(?), I had a pack of jaffa cakes nom nom

Servalan · 23/04/2009 16:10

Stars, you have let no one down.

OK you are feeling panicy and wobbly today - very understandable under the circumstances.

It does not detract from the fact that you are fab, strong and gutsy.

Look at what you've achieved so far. Off the top of my head:

You've given your DC care and love
You've put your anxieties to one side so you can go to meetings for your DS
You've posted on Mumsnet for help
You've spoken to Womens Aid
You've spoken to the Council
You've been to see (a sadly crap) Solicitor
You've made some brilliant lists of things to do.
You've admitted to yourself that you deserve better
You are talking and planning for the future.

Each of these things (and I'm sure I've missed loads out) on their own take guts, especially when you have your H sniping away at you constantly and eroding your self-esteem and confidence.

The fact that you are having the odd wobble and panic and sometimes don't have the strength to do these things doesn't mean that you stop being "fab, strong and gutsy". It just means that you are not superhuman - and it would be very unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be that!!

How can this be made as simple as possible for you? You don't have to jump through hoops or prove your worth to anyone (especially not the arsewipe you are married to).

Please take help that's out there - whether letting WA deal with some of this or whether taking someone to appointments with you.

There is no shame in taking help that is on offer. It does not make you less of a person - all it means is that you are reclaiming what you deserve - happiness, help, affirmation and admiration for being the amazing person you are.

Please take it easy and be kind to yourself. Our faith in you and admiration for how far you've come is not conditional.

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