To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Another one here who's been lurking, I'm just going to bed but had to let you know I'm thinking of you too. You're on the right track now, stars, and I'm sending you positive and strong vibes! That husband is a complete knob and although I'm only 5'1, I'd love to accidentally on purpose kick him where it hurts.

All the best and I'll keep checking to see how you're doing too. You sound wonderful and I wish I knew you

I'm here nagging again!

You can tell the schools the day after you go. I am sure they will support you in every way.

If it helps I didn't talk to my family before I went. Looking back I think I just didn't know where to start or how to find the words. So I never told anyone about how unhappy I was, I just went and then asked one friend to ring my parents and tell them I'd left dickhead and that I'd be in touch.

Whats important is you going. All the telling people can be done after you go. After all, you don't actually know when you will go, and worrying about having to do things that you find difficult will only delay your departure further.

Tell the children you are just going away for a few days, am I bad to suggest that if necessary you lie to them and say dad will be joining you later just to get them to actually go out the door with you?

Thanks Nyx for your support.
It is over whealming the amount of support I have.

Flibberty-keep nagging

It is just what the WA lady said ,concentrate on going and deal with the rest later.
I had forgotten I mentioned to her about my postsd on a parenting site and she asked which one and I told her mumsnet and she was familiar with it.

I don't think the children initially would have any problem coming with me,I could say it was a holiday.

Oh, I don't think that you'd need to tell them that H was joining you - just that you were all taking a break. Maybe tell them that Daddy has some problems and needs time to sort them out - which could be expanded on with DS as he's already noticed that H is drinking, so might understand a watered-down explanation of that?

Cross-posts!

You've had a lot to take in, but it does sound like you're getting closer to being ready. Can't wait to hear you're going

OMG stars!! Your posts are fantastic! You can feel the positivity just reading them and comparing that to your first post (and previous threads) is absolutely amazing!

I'm kind of lost for words (which is so not like me!! ), its brilliant.

Keep it up lady!!!

You are doing so well stars keep it up!!!

Can't believe you are the same stars that started the thread...

Thinking of you and praying for you and your DC's xxxxxxxxxxx

Personal items/ clothes/ toys etc can all be gathered together on the day that you leave. You can always send a third party back to get stuff at a later date, or go yourself with a police escort.

Paperwork - again, just take what you really need- some form of ID for yourself and the children, any tax credits/child benefit info, and then if you get chance you could look at photocopying any relevant paperwork relating to your husband (a marriage certificate, for example, may come in handy at a later date).

I agree with the above about informing the school/ family / what to tell your children.

Hope that your appointment goes well tomorrow

Stars - hope you're getting some sleep now - which is where I'm headed. Will be thinking of you tomorrow

I used to be a deputy head, stars, and can confirm it will be absolutely fine for you to tell the school after you've gone- you could leave it a week if need be. Once you've moved, looking for a school will seem like a much more positive life affirming step than it does now, I'm sure.

So pleased to hear you sounding so amazingly strong- you are a wonder. I am sure you'll go back and make an amazing Samaritan- you're so intelligent and thoughtful.

Best wishes and strengthening hugs coming your way. xx

Stars - I'm shaking those pompoms extra hard and hoping today's the day. Good luck with the solicitor, I hope you get enough answers to help you along!

Stars, I worked in SN for years, both in schools and for the LA. If you need any specific advice re that let me know. Does your ds have a statement?

Please don't stay in the house. You know you want to go, so why not just do it? I'm not sure what you think is going to get easier if you stay... imagine being able to spend this lovely weather with your gorgeous children without that tosser looming like a ghoul over your shoulder...

Hope today's appointments go well.

Am really that H tried to push you around. No self respecting man should treat his wife like H treats you.

All the best for today.

Stars I've been thinking about the house - I really think that you'd be much better off just getting out. You'll never be happy there - it holds too many bad memories - it will never be 'yours' - always FiL's, and you will always be looking over your shoulder re H. In particular, I'm sure landlords are allowed to hold spare keys for their properties - what would happen if H 'accidently found' them.

Schools can be sorted - would it be really awful if you HE for the summer term at worst?

You would probably be surprised how quickly clothes and toys could be got together - particularly if you concentrated on the essentials (especially shoes)(they are the most difficult to replace and probably the most expensive).

How about mustering some forces to see if they could help - I'm sure that your sister and niece must know something is up, even if they don't know the whole picture. Would you be able to come over one morning after the school run and help to take things away - even if only to your sisters house - then you could travel light to wherever you go, knowing that eg your sister has some bags of your things in the loft (or wherever) when they are required. I don't know whether they have jobs and whether this would be difficult for them to arrange - but, in the same circumstances, I would certainly be happy to book a day's holiday for a sister - and if necessary I would ring in with a 'family emergency' to come and help out. However, in the worst case, a couple of hours with some bags and I would think that you would have all that you really needed. So many people leave with nothing and cope - in fact, more than cope - they regain their lives - what are that material things in comparison with that?

(Sorry, I shut up now )

Good luck for today stars.

I was also thinking about all the papers you might be thinking you need to sort.

So here is todays nagging. I'm not working today just waiting for someone to come and collect the car I sold on ebay last night (my old banger, started it at 99p and it went for £230 with a million watchers!!! Sorry, its all I can think about this morning, last night was so watching the last few bids!)

ANyway I am here all day to nag.

So, papers. What papers do you think you will need?

I think you need, passports, national insurance number, cheque book and bank cards, childrens red health books, ds's assessments and info, birth certificates.

Anything else?

You don't own the house so no mortage etc, you don't drive so no insurance or car docs etc, you don't work so no contracts etc.

(I'm being blunt again but honest I just went out the door leaving it all behind, he put it on a bonfire a week later and I survived).

You just need your national insurance number for tax credits as they can do everything over the phone, and you'll get help with those forms from womens aid. I found out when we moved house that address and bank account changed that you inform the tax credit people of, they ask if you want them to update the child benefit people too. Thats what happened when we moved house last year.

Not being funny but don't spoil your moving day by taking your marriage certificate with you, ugh unless you want to symbolically burn it! You can easily get a copy if its needed for anything. I honestly don't think you will be jumping up to divorce him straight away, you could leave it the 2 years and by that time applying for a copy marriage cert will be nothing to you.

Get any personal papers like letters, address book, email addresses etc and give them to dreadpirate on friday. Get her address then if you find other things before you go you can post them to her.

Don't weigh yourself down with worry over papers and possessions. Apart from the fact that its all just baggage that you won't miss when you've gone, there is very little that can't be replaced.

But the days that turn into months and years of you living in this awful situation pandering to the needs and moods (and dietary requirements) of your alcoholic bully husband, those days can't be replaced with carefree ones. You have to take the plunge and grab the carefree days for yourself.

Ikeep saying things that might seem harsh in the hope that one of my comments is the one that starts your leaving motor.

In fact why don't you forget getting a blackboard, write his shopping list in black marker pen on the wedding certificat and nail it to the front door with your wedding ring hanging from the nail.

Ok you might not want to go so far as that but I bet your neighbours would applaud you

lol @ Flibbertyjibbet.... wish id done that .Stars, hope today goes well! you getting there, F-day is closer and closer! ( F for freedom

Stars - movement on your other thread... Let us know how the solicitors went? Maybe we can work on some council questions for you for tomorrow?

Quick update - spoke to Stars on phone. She's been to solicitors but didn't get a very useful one by the sounds of it. Solicitor suggested that she prob wouldn't qualify for Legal Aid once she's left ('all cases taken on merit'), that the verbal abuse (including threats) wouldn't constitute enough for a restraining order, and that if he didn't agree to a divorce it could take 5 years to go through .

So I suggested she talk to Womens Aid again, and maybe get a name of another solicitor that they work with locally, for some more useful information...

Anyone know anything and can comment on the above?

Sorry, should have also added - that's what I heard of what she'd heard IYSWIM. She's going to post properly later - if I've misheard or mistyped anything it's entirely my own fault

5 years is a load of pants! two years seperation can get you a divorce , and it doesnt matter if its contested...as long as theres no fight over money/assets.shite lawyer.I SECOND womens aid recomended solicitor.

Stars please dont let this get you down,there are better things ahead of you ,stay strong

So the solicitor was just speaking about divorce and not the property?

Many many women just GO, and then think about divorce after.

Many many solicitors don't care about how you are feeling they just want ££ for handling the case and they love a contested one cos its more letters/phone calls and therefore more money for them.

If no property involved should be reasonably straightforward after the 2 years - and if both parties are reasonable (you never know there might be a miracle with h after you've gone) then if no property dispute etc you can just get the forms from the town hall, both parties sign them and a small fee and its done.

My friends did that, they had amicable divorce by the time the 2 years were up and they were splitting assets of two houses, cars, savings etc. THey just decided they'd rather have the money to split between them than pay to a solicitor.

THey had no children though.

I am repeating myself here, but as you and h don't actually own any property, I can't see the need for a solicitor at the moment. You don't know how h will react to you going, why not wait for the divorce thing until a bit later down the line? You can do something to legally register that you are no longer living as man and wife, I think its a legal separation or something?

Another friend did that, her husband was really bad with credit cards, so as soon as he had decided he was leaving she got a legal separation order or something so that any debts he ran up after he said he was going but before they got divorced, couldn't be pinned on her.

Grrr I hate those solicitors who are so vague and almost are stirring things up - at a time when what you need is a shoulder and emotional support.