To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Hi, I haven't posted on this thread before and sorry for crashing it, but I just wanted to tell you about my mum's experience.

A couple of years after my dad died (when she was 35) she got remarried to a man who turned out to be an abusive alchoholic. It took a while for this to become evident but when it did, she became very crushed down and depressed. The phone was cut off because he drank the bill money, the electricity was put on a meter because the bill was never paid, we had no tv for two years because he drank the licence money, bounced cheques and CCJs. He even stole the contents of my little brother's piggy bank for whisky (he was 10 at the time) The neighbours would call the police because of his screaming abuse at all hours and he once passed out on our front lawn and had to be carried upstairs by a taxi driver (he'd already lost his license through drink-driving) She joined al-non and got the support and strength to make some changes. She told him that if he didn't stop drinking, she'd leave him and that would cause him to start AA and stop drinking...for a few weeks. Things would be nice and normal and approaching happy in the house for a change. Then he'd start drinking again and the whole cycle would begin anew with the occassional 'accidental' overdose thrown in for good measure. After two or three failed attempts at treatment centres she sought legal advice to file for divorce. As it happens, at that time he had a health crisis and was told that if he ever drank again it would kill him - advice that he ignored and it did.

She's 55 now and has been with a really lovely bloke for 7 years and they are getting married in a few weeks. He can't do enough for her and she is very, very happy.

I just wanted to tell you that it's not too late, you are far from old, you can start again. You can and will be happy again. Everyone is behind you.

The visit to the doctors...

I had a bad case of work stress a few years back (bullying which is the reason I don't work for solicitors anymore!) and when I went to the doctors they sort of knew what questions to ask.

I don't think you will need to sit for ages trying to remember everything you have been subjected to. A decent (or well trained?) doctor will get the gist at first, ask you some particular questions to establish the cause of your stress, and I guarantee you that opening up to a professional the first time will have you sobbing.

Sob all you need to, they are there to help and by seeking professional help you have taken another big step.

Dreadpirate - I just upgraded my old banger for something with a mahoosive boot. Its occured to me many times this past week that if we knew where stars lives I could just go round and bundle her in the boot! I did a car boot sale yesterday to satisfy my urge to stuff something in it

And stars - as has been said before - you won't be the first person in your position your GP will have seen.

There's no shame in being unhappy in an unhappy situation, anxious in a stressful situation, miserable in a miserable situation. This is a normal, human reaction to external events - and your doctor will not think there's anything wrong with you for being stressed and anxious. S/he will think you are reacting to the situation you are in.

Your H can make nothing of it even if he knows about it, which he won't if you don't tell him, your conversation with your doctor is completely confidential.

Flbberty - don't tempt me

Do WA places have their own solicitors/solicitors that visit and consult on the premises?

longtalljosie - you said what I wanted to say so much better

As others have said, don't worry about telling your GP how you feel. I was feeling very down at the begiining of the year - I actually told her that I felt that i wasn't coping, and that dh had made coments about it. She was lovely and told me I needed to have some time for me, and signed me off. If that didn't work then i should come back to discuss "other" options.

I know I was stressed but definitely not putting up with what you have to. The GP should be entirely sympathetic. I felt quite embarrassed. It just wasn't "me" to be feeling that low that I had to tell the doctor about it. Her reaction though was SOOO positive, and actually made me realise that i COULD/SHOULD be a little bit selfish if I was actually damaging my health IFYSWIM.

dreadpirate-Maybe in a non abusive relationship a H would see the bigger picture and put the children first,but as you say it won't be the case here.
Am hoping the doctor will understand,she will have seen it many times before I assume.

Flibberty-couls start a post in legal with the basics as I know them.

I know deep down it would be silly to stay in the same area with no familysupport nearby and H knowing where to find me.
Am just thinking H could use me moving DS away from his school and stabilty as some kind of neglect,I know how his mind works.
As you say the doctor will hopefully lead me into what I need to tell her by her questions.
By the way I hate small dark places-re the boot idea.

zebra-thanks for your support and your hopeful story.

josie-I know it should be confidentail as far as the doctor is concerned but worry H may try and access my records if things turn nasty.

spiceoflife-re the solicitors,I couls ask them that tomorrow,thanks.

I could take a day off with a bit of notice - that would make 3 cars.... How much stuff do you want to take Stars - will it really fill this amount?

Stars, please be completely honest with your GP. Being anxious does not make you an unfit mother, it's a perfectly normal and sensible reaction to living with an abusive alcoholic.

Your neighbours, including the mums at the school gate, the taxi drivers, the bar staff and regulars at his local pub ALL know the the truth - your DH has a drink problem.

Your DH is lying to you and deluding himself when he tells you he will get custody of your DCs because you cannot take care of them. It's utter bollox. Every abusive man uses this threat if he can.

Your son's school and presumably your GP can vouch for everything you have done to get help for your DS's SN, for example. Is that the sign of a hopeless agoraphobic mum?

This is why it's so important that you think very seriously about getting help from Women's Aid. They have heard it all before, they are up to every single trick that that these despicable men try to pull. They will protect you and your children from further physical and psychological harm, and keep one step ahead of him if he tries to pull any funny legal stuff.

I wish you all the best for your meetings this week. You're getting some fantastic advice here!

Add my tuppence worth. I have a good friend in her 60s. She'd been in an abusive relationship some years before I met her. Last year she met a man; they are almost like teenagers in love. It is sooooo nice to see them together. She says she feels cherished.

This can be you. It is never too late.

portofino-I know I am not coping as well as I should be as far as the children are concerned.
I don't want them to see me on edge all the time.
I have lost so much weight this past couple of months as well so my body is telling me something as well.

Only this morning I was telling H when he rang up asking what we were doing today that I was feeling panicky and had promised the children a trip to the park,which incidentally (sp) we did do.

H's response instead of encouraging me was
"Get your shit together"
"You are damaging the children and have been for the past 2 years"
"Sort your head out,you are in a world of your own and I have had enough of it"
"Now you have managed to upset me whilst I am at work"

Tell him to boil his head...what a twat

Right so his coming home at 6.30 was just nothing then.

No need to feel guilty at all. No need at all to wonder what he will think or feel when you go.

Don't give a shit what he thinks or feels, just look on it as karma coming round biting him in the bum.

Nighty night. I won't be sticking you in the boot as its a good 200 miles to your area and I'd have to be back for picking the boys up from nursery!!

Oh Stars, the sooner you leave and don't have to put up with such nasty spiteful comments, the better.

Flibberty has made some wonderful posts and given some excellent advice and insight tonight.

mistlethrush-the childrens toys,books and clothes would fit in 3 cars I am sure.
Need to secretly take some to the charity shop before they notice.

mrsflittersnoop-have had a bad experience with a clinical phychologist that DS was seeing that in meetings would always point the finger at me and make me feel to blame for DS's condition.
Also in the past I have had a few occasions where I felt I could'nt take DS to an appointment,whether that be for stress on my part or just upset by the whole pressure of it all and seeing DS dealing wioth his condition day in day out.
But on those occasions H has taken him to the appointments allbeit with him making a big deal of it saying I am his mother an dam letting him down.

H says I have'nt done enough as far as DS is concerned.
But spent a whole summer 3 years ago fighting the LEA,school,school goverenors etc for DS to move up to year 1 when they wanted to keep him back in reception.
A decision I got over turned.
Also for 3 years I attended weekly sliding in sessions with DS to build his confidence in school.

H does not understand how difficult it is everyday taking DS to school ,chatting on the way and as soon as we hit the school gates he goes silent and does'nt even talk to me.
That is heart breaking and also as a mother I want to protect him .
He loves school though and is very confident in school and through his academic work and although he does not talk at all in school manages to get by and is very popular.
He is a gorgeous little boy and am so proud of him.

juxal-I hope so although think it will be a long time before I trust anyone again.

Have to go to bed now, but just wanted to say - You Are Coping Very Well Indeed.

Given what you've been putting up with, the abuse, the lack of support from H's family, managing to get your son the support he needs, and losing your brother so comparitively recently -

You Are Coping Astonishingly Well.

So there.

night everyone-

bitoffun,billsilver-yes ,I think the sooner I leave this twat the better

thanks flibberty for some great advice as usual will re read it tomorrow when I ring the WA.

dreadpirate-I think I must have inherited it from my mother,she was a strong character even though she was ill for most of her life.
Hopefully her,my dad and my brother will be looking down on me and giving me strength.

well done starts, that was a seriously decisive post

good luck with your meetings for DS also, take care

Good luck with first day back at school today - and I'm looking forward to hearing what you've been doing during the day...

There's always such good advice on here that I never seem to have anything to add, but I wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and all your appointments this week Starsnstripes. I really hope you get some much needed answers and solutions.

Remember that being anxious doesn't make you a bad parent (expecially since the anxiety is linked to abuse and alcohol dependency in your H) and the fact that you are going to a GP to get it sorted means there is evidence that you are on top of it (unlike him with said alcohol dependency).

You don't need to justify your commitment and love for your son. You know that no matter what H says you have been there for him, you have fought for him, you have been the mum he deserves. H's comments can't take that away from you. It's time to stop pointing out examples of how you have been there for ds, and start believing it!

Just checking in to say Good Morning Stars

Hi Stars, just wanted to add to the people saying you need to tell the GP the truth - if it helps, I have my panic disorder AND DH is OCD and has anxiety probs, so we're both on meds and getting/have had counselling. I know I told the GP I wasn't coping very well, and I'm pretty sure DH did too, but noone said anything about taking the kids away.

DON'T believe all the poisonous words he's filled your head with. You're NOT incapable, you're NOT damaging the kids. HE is, and he probably knows that deep inside and is pushing all that guilt on to you rather than dealing with it.

Anyway, I'm only a couple of hours drive away, kids are at school and I have a good friend I can leave them with at a moment's notice if needed, so I'm more than happy to join the convoy if needed! Huuuge boot in my car too, so shout if you need me!

Thanks everyone for your suppoet and your kind offers of help.

I have had a fairly productive morning.

I have made a list of questions for the solicitor tomorrow and have all the relevant paperwork needed.

I rang the WA and spoke to the same lady again and she was brilliant.
She said they had a place at the WA in my area avavilable now but obviously could'nt say where exactly but that it would be a taxi ride away for the children to get to school.
She suggested talking to the school at some point but would be difficult at the moment as H attends meetings with me there.

She kept saying listening to me I obviously am the sort of person who does'nt like to upset anyone,mainly H.
She said it was clear I was over thinkig everything and trying to second guess his reactions and that was a waste of time and to concentrate on myself and the children.
i told her for so long he has told me I don't matter and it's not about me.
She also said to open up to the GP and she could be valuable help to me in the future.

She also said because he says he is making an effort allbeit still going to the pub after work he is still the same person as before and doubts very much he has changed.
I told her he is still coming out with the ctitical stuff and being moody at times.

She kept saying do what is right for you and the children as he has spent far too long doing what is right for him and not being concerened about you and the children before.

If I was to rent privately she said make sure if you do tell him someone is with you as usually the time that that happens is the most potentally dangerous and unpredictable.

Sounds as though that lady at WA is great Stars. I'm glad you had such a positive discussion with her. Just need to get Drs and Solicitors out of the way now! I think that a list at the solicitors is a really good idea - I know that someone earlier suggested that they would be unlikely to answer many questions in a first session, but they may be able to help with the first few. You also might want to take the list of things that DreadPirate suggested - perhaps reading a list of things will make it less emotional than having to look them in the face and remember everything you wanted to say?

Looking forward to hearing how the 'charity' packing away is going, and also getting some new recipes relayed by DreadPirate from the recipe books she's going to look after for you

Can you manage a quick sit in the sun over lunch - very good for the soul!