To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Stars so glad you posted was starting to get worried.

So what questions have you got so far, and will see if I can help in anyway

You are being so strong, stars. I shall be thinking of you this week, and hoping that the council and solicitors are helpful.

Rest assured you are in my thoughts a lot, even when I don't post here for a while.

{{{hugs}}}

Stars - it might even be worth emailing the solicitor with your list of questions and say that you would like information on these as a minimum? Might be a way of cutting to the chase as it were...

Your day sounds great (I had the day off because of an inset day and enjoyed the weather too!). I hope that your evening is OK too...

stars, I think of you a lot too. That's a good suggestion about emailing the solicitor in advance - I always get flustered at parents evening and this is infinitely more important.

to go back to Dalrymps post the other day, maybe when you get organised with whatever decision you make, you could make another list on this thread of the things you need to organise (and we can add suggestions too), then if any of us have them we can offer you them. Saves you having to feel like you're asking (not that you have to,I think we're all "friends" enough to not bother about that).

Will be thinking of you this week as you do your appointments, and hope they bring you the information you need.

oh, and enjoy your meet-up with dreadpirate - is it the first time you have met?

Evening Stars - just been catching up on this thread after a couple of days without tinternet. Glad to hear you've had a good day, and really impressed by Flibberty's post. Looking forward to seeing you for coffee. If you get a bit nervous before seeing solicitor or council, you do know you can call me don't you? Am always happy to be a friendly ear

Me too, stars.

Hi everyone

Have had a peaceful night tonight.
H came in at 6.40 so still went to the pub but not had to much to drink.
He still thinks that is making an effort instead of coming straight home.

It is really difficult at the moment as he is being quite accomadating and rather than it pleasing me it is annoying the hell out of me.
It makes wanting toleave so much more difficult if that makes sense.

Wouldwelcome any ideas for qusetions for the solicitors and council.

Re the soicitors that is a difficult one as don'thave all the facts.
The house was bought by FIL and we pay him rent.
We have no rent book or formal agreement.
It is in trust for DS when he gets older.

Council-she said she had links with landlords who rent out privately to people who may find themselves homeless and they would accept tenants who find themselves on benefits at the moment as I would have to be to start with.

this will be my first meeting with the ever helpful dreadpirate,must get those books ready she said she would kindly store for me.

Ever helpful? Ever nagging

For solicitors - maybe just lay out the situation and ask for best course of action?

o He is verbally abusive and a drunk
o He has been physically abusive in the past, and may turn so again when you leave
o You are considering going to a refuge when you do leave, if not to private renting
o Children are 5 and 8yo, you want them to remain in contact but not to have overnights until he's proved himself trustworthy
o His family is in Ireland and have money
o He's threatened you with taking the kids away before now
o He works, you don't, he has the working tax credit paid into his own account
o The family house is probably owned by your FIL, who says it is in trust for DS
o DS has SN and needs routines to be established as quickly as possible
o You want to be able to establish yourself and the children in a reasonable home, near a school which can meet DS's needs
o He earns x a month, and probably spends y on alcohol/taxis etc

Off the top of my head...

Are you seeing the solicitor or the council first?

Things I think you might want to ask...

Does my husband/FiL (landlord) need to sign anything to 'prove' that I am 'homeless'

What 'rights' do I have to prevent H visiting my new home if I don't go down the WA route.

What can I expect in terms of contact rights - and can this be done in a way that I don't have to see H.

How can I ensure that H is not drinking when he is in charge of the children

How can I ensure that H can't take the children abroad without my consent.

I don't know whether those are any good - what are the sorts of things that might be concerning you - if you can put some of them down, even in a long-winded way, perhaps we might be able to help to clarify exactly what you want to know....

Thanks dreadpirate,great list.
I would'nt have thought of all those things,sums it up nicely.

Solicitor is on weds and council on thurs.

OK, come on Wednesday evening and we can all work through questions for the council on Thursday?

Are you seeing the doctor again this week? Have you worked out what you want to say to her yet?

x posts ,mistlethrush-more great questions,thanks.

The problem I will have re housing is if my FIL has to say I am homeless then of course he will have to be told of my plans as will H.

Had crossed my mind that it would be strange if the solicitor said I could stay in this house so DS could still go to this school as it would benefit him in the long run re his SN and H had to move out.

Ok Stars - then an obvious question is 'is there anyway I could stay in my current house' - given all the list of things that tDPR has already listed.

As for the doctor have blood tests on weds after I have seen the solicitor and am seeing the doctor for a chat on thurs before the council appointment.

The doctors is the one that's worrying me most really as still unsure how to wordeverything in the time allocated and can't be falling apart as have to keep it together to go to the council appointment afterwards.

mistlethrush-Could be a possibility,would obviously be beneficial for the children especially DS as his 1:1 has a goos relationship with him built up over a year and his condition is such he needs stability and routine.

Although FIL has very shrewd business sense and can't see him allowing that to happen even though it would be for the good of his grandchildren.

H has always said in arguements if you think you are getting your hands on this house you are mistaken.
Although in theroy on paper it is DS's house and I am his main carer until he becomes older.

Re staying in the house - would it benefit you all in the longterm to be there? By which I mean you and the DCs?

My thinking is, that where you're living is a smaller town, which limits your opportunities as a non-driver, whereas moving to your sister's town gives you more options in the short term for local support, and rebuilding your life with people you don't feel you have to hide your life from. Probably more driving schools around as well...

It has to be your decision where you can make the best life for yourself and the DCs - the house is just a house and FIL can always rent it out. Disruption to your DS of moving towns might just be part of the overall disruption of you leaving your H?

I'd be worried if you stay in that house that you'll be more at risk from H, as he'll see it as an 'injustice', and be even angrier...

Just had a thought.
I wondered if there was any solicitors on mumsnet who may be able to give me an idea of what may happen in this type of situation .
Could maybe link this thread to a post in the legal section.

Massive x-posts!

Re the doctor, don't worry too much - if you break down a bit she's not going to throw you out when time's up! I feel you should be honest with her about what you've been going through - she may turn around and say - 'well no wonder you've been doing x, y and z...'.

Might it be worth talking it over with the woman at WA you've talked to before? IIRC she's there Mon through Wed, so would be there tomorrow?

I need to be the spoil sport here.
When you get a free first session with a solicitor, its unlikely that you will get any concrete advice on what to do. (I used to work for solicitors). Its a 'sample' session where they ask you questions and decide whether you are a case that they can make money from fees.
Am I being harsh? So you would get 'well you may have rights to do xyz and your options could well be abc'. But they won't say anything specific. Because they want to charge for sending letters and giving the actual advice on a fee paying basis.

He would probably be able to give some pointers on the landlord/tenant issue.

In my own case I said I was homeless, no one said 'oh we have to check with your ex/landlord/mortgage company'.

But I really do think that if you go the womens aid route, get support from them, a 'break' from all the stress to get yourself together before you move on, you will be priority on any waiting list.

I was thinking about you today

(long post alert will now do a new post in case anyone is falling asleep )

dreadpirate-as far as H is concerned yes he would see it as an injustice .
He would'nt see the bigger picture of how beneficial it would be for DS and DD not having to change schools etc.

You are right as far as family support is concerned.
My sister is already planning nights out for us to get me socailising again like I used to and my niece has offered her babysitting services already.

I really need to start taking driving lessons like I had planned.

dreadpirate-will be honest with doctor although will that help me in the long term or hinder me if H starts to throw around stuff about me being an unfit anxious mother.

Yes,the lady will be there tomorow I talked to before,will try and get through to talk to her again.

Flibberty-I did wonder that re the solicitors.
Although the receptionist at the time of booking said I would probabaly be eligible for legal aid and gave me a list of relevant paperwork to bring with me.

Yay - you sound so positive . But of course your H wouldn't see the bigger picture - he can't see any further than the end of his glass at the moment... for you...

Oh, I had thought of the solicitors on mumsnet too. Don't link the whole thread, just start one asking for advice where you want to leave but fil owns the house in trust for ds.

Ok, the womens aid route. I think you are putting off this one because it seems to you that a) you are not in a bad enough state to use their facilities and b) you just want to move somewhere new and not have the hassle of moving to wa first then finding somewhere then moving again.

So here are my thoughts on that:

1. I honestly think you are somewhere in your mind delaying your departure because you say you would prefer to move to something private rented. In my honest opinion the move straight to private rented would be more stressful. You won't have income straight away while you sort out benefits and get the tax credits swapped to you. You don't drive so you can't view places. You'd want to take stuff with you and how would you hire a van etc without dp knowing. If you take stuff from the matrimonial home he will accuse you of stealing the things HE paid for. If you stay near and keep the children in the same schools your h would find you in days and do god knows what - harrass you, turn up drunk, try to take the children, cause scenes at your new home. All of this immediately after leaving would just be horrible for you to deal with. You KNOW its just so unlikely that he would let you go without any fuss, scenes or threats.

1. if you take the WA route, you could just go with a few possessions, your essentials, and leave all the stuff behind in that unhappy place. While you are there you will be safe and can contact your h to sort out ie visits for the children without him knowing where you are. You will be in the safe hands of professionals who know exactly what emotional, practical and financial help you need. They will help you with forms and benefits, advice, finding a home, furnishing it, finding schools etc. If you move to near your sister you will have someone for support and social things.

Personally I wouldn't stay in the same small town as someone who made you so unhappy. I moved to the next town so that I wouldn't worry about bumping into the idiot. 5 years after I left him I stood up to get off my morning train to find him standing right there in the aisle. I managed to get to work then got all hysterical. How would you cope with knowing you could bump into him on a daily basis - thats if he doesn't start stalking you or coming round making a fuss.

I think for all of you, you ds and dd, you need a fresh break in a place where you can feel free and not be looking over your shoulder all the time.

I just want you out of there - I know all too well how easy it is to convince yourself that its difficult or find reasons why you can't go NOW. But you can.

Finally, you said everything makes you cry now. I had that stage too a little while after realising I had to go. I think we feel upset for the loss of the relationship, failure of the marriage and just sadness at ourselves realising what life has been like.

Good post Flibberty - I wish I could be as forceful as you, but not having been there myself I don't feel I should...

Re the doctors - I think it's been said before - if you're honest with her it'll be better in the end. You'll have his behaviour on record, and the doctor will see the explanation/cause of the anxiety issues you've suffered over the years...