To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

clam-your post about typical sunday living has made me cry.

At this moment in time I don't ever see me having that sort of lifestyle.

Oh, I'm so sorry! Didn't mean to do that, but rather to show you what you're missing if you continue to accept the paltry scraps he throws you when he feels like it.
That sort of normality is there waiting for you when you're ready to move on.

stars, you will get it, or at least you'll have the chance of it if you leave him soon

if you never leave you'll never have the chance of a better life, one that you and your kids deserve

Stars H has legs surely he can nip up the shop and get some if you have run out?

How are you holding in there? Hopefully this week will go well with appointments etc xx

Stars - are you seeing the Sol and the council this week? Hopefully you can get finalising your plan.

Clam, I am most impressed at your dh ironng whilst he watches footie!

Well, he has tried, over many years, to make himself fairly crap at ironing, in the vain hope that I'll rescue him. In much the same way that I made myself crap at cooking. Which worked, actually, as he now does nearly all of that. He only irons his own shirts, however, just in case you're all wondering where his halo is.

Clam, that imo is what a "normal" house is like, so stars, that just shows you what you could and should have. You're getting stronger and you will get there

Stars - Hiya home you are OK today, as I said previously, I work with women who have left abusive partners. And the majority of them cannot believe how much better their lives are after they have left. The 'treading on egg shells' stops, and gradually they often get so much more confident.

Some were worried that it would be difficult being a single parent. They then realised that they were doing 90 % of the childcare/housework anyhow and now had one less 'child' to pick up after.

I have heard on a number of occasisions children ask their Mum NOT to move back in with their Dad.

I work during the 'tranisiton' period until a few months/a year down the line, and the best bit of the job is watching how the children so often settle down and become happy and relaxed.

I know you feel guilty about leaving your husband and I think people have talked to you about 'enablers' before.

Well I have witnessed on both sides after a break up where the split has been the impertous needed to get the drinker to recognise they have a problem. Instead of looking at their partner to blame.

You are being so strong x

Wasting his money on food for the children

What about wasting all the tax credit money on his boozing.

The tax credits should be paid into the bank account of the main carer. Thats you.

I think he is using financial abuse as well to keep you in your place.

Now then, yesterday I spent the whole day sorting out stuff for a car boot sale today, so dp took the boys out to the park and then to my mums for the afternoon to pick up some boot stuff for her too.

This morning I got up at 5.50, got home from the car boot sale at 3pm absolutely knackered from lack of sleep, carting stuff around and standing for hours. As soon as I rang to say I was on my way home he said 'I'll take them out then you can have a rest when you get in'.

Got home the slow cooker was on, everyone out. I lay on the sofa with umpteen mugs of tea lined up. They got home 2 hours later with bits of weeds (flowers!) for me, dp told them to be good cos mummy was tired. Then he made the tea and here I am on mumsnet while he baths them.

For several hours he has listened to my tales of all the silly customers I had and what I sold......

Rewind a lot of years and my typical weekend was (actual incidents made into composite weekend)
Sat, get up at 7, go to work, get home at 2, dp shouts abuse because he is going to football training and I haven't made him any lunch before he goes.
Sat night he'd go out with the boys then show himself up being all drunk and shouty in the street when he got home. If we went anywhere together I'd think we had a good time then on the way home he'd start going on about how I showed him up.
Sunday I'd wash clean, iron, catch up on stuff, he would moan about boring sundays. I'd do the roast he insisted on every sunday then he'd throw a wobbler because, in our kitchen diner, there would be dirty dishes and cooking utensils in his sight (from cooking the farking meal) while he was eating.
He would usually tell me I'd have to wash up because he'd had to force himself to eat my crap.
If I talked about anything he'd tell me to shut the fuck up wittering on about rubbish.

That was my life and now I have a completely different one. All down to the behaviour of the other adult in my home.

Now I don't want to make you cry, I just want to tell you that clams' life is normal in a relationship with mutual love and RESPECT as the basis for it.

(ALthough the ironing while watching the football, even I am of that!

Sounds like they're in bed now I have to go read a story.

(whoops huge post, I do touchtype at 80wpm, haven't been typing since tea time )

Good post, flibbertyjibbet!
Glad you've found what you deserve now. Just got to get stars in the same space now...

Stars you keep saying you don't know if you will want a relationship for a while - I had 8 years of at worst tarring men with the same brush as my ex, at best holding back every time I thought someone was getting a bit keen.

I just thought I'd never be able to have a proper 'equal' relationship or to let someone in to share my home and life without worrying they'd just leave me or I'd end up unhappy again.

Funny thing is one day I met dp and all those doubts and worries just disappeared because we just clicked.

Whats more, you keep saying you are 42 and maybe worrying you are too old to start over? You may have guessed from my ex and then that long cynical time after, that I was (ahem) quite mature when I met dp.

Don't worry about being 42, thats the age I was when I had my first baby!!!

You've got it all in front of you - when you are sorted you can maybe find some training or find a job that you love and where everyone one will respect you for who you are and your abilities. You can get childcare paid while you train these days.

The world is your oyster. You just gotta get rid of that piranha.

what a wonderful, kind and optimistic post flibberty.

So good to hear your success story.

Hope you are ok stars.

I check this thread every day, though I don't often post. Keep going, keep posting, keep strong.

Flibberty, I think I love you!!!

Stars, dont write yourself off.... When the time is right for you, you will have a wonderful healthy happy relationship.

TBH I feel like you do at the moment, but I'm not about to wish my life away or write myself off.

The world is our oyster, the future is filled with possibilities, and nobody tells me what to cook/wear/do anymore.

Waking up in the morning is sheer joy, and personally I'm taking each day as it comes, my life exudes calm, it shows in my happy confident children, and despite what ex used to say to me all the time ie I was lucky to have him as nobody else would want me, I'm not actually short of offers. I just prefer my own company for now.

I like having tranquility in my life. So will you you know.

Chin up Stars, your lightbulb moment will come!

You've sounded very organised about this whole transition to date, and I think that once you are armed with all the information having seen the council & solicitor (maybe spoken to WA again?) you'll be able to put all the pieces into place.

Having the people at the council & the solicitor listen to you and agree to your face that H behaviour is abusive may also help. I know that we've been here telling you this all along, but I think that hearing it from someone in an 'official' capacity (as it were) face to face may help you with your lightbulb moment.

Its that time of night when I start to wonder where you are and if you are ok because you haven't posted.

Am off to bed now hope that you've had a peaceful evening.

Sorry Stars, not been around - rl getting in the way again... Dh is on a course next week. I dropped him at the train at 2ish. He has called 3 times since, just to let me know that he was on the train, he had arrived, and to call later to touch base. Yesterday was meant to be my lie-in (ds is 4) - but I had a bad back, so was already awake and fairly uncomfortable, so got up - he specifically questioned this ('I thought that it was my turn?') when he surfaced later on... I was inolved in a choir this morning - by the time I got back Dh had not only looked after ds but also walked the dog...

This is 'normal' - sharing responsibility for children, life, and sharing.

I love Fliberty's posts - she demonstrates all the positives of leaving an abusive relationship. She has found a new dp which is great. However, step by step, you deserved better, but would you be any worse off if you were living on your own, able to feed your children (the perfectly reasonable) any diet you want to, and able to play what ever music you want to, when you want to. And, of course, contact your family whenever you wish without having to suffer the consequences. FFS complaining about being given a bicyle!!!!

I am hoping that the appointments that you have over the next week help you to cut another one or two of the threads tying you to where you are - as more are broken (and you are doing a great job) the rope that binds you is getting weaker - soon you will be able to give it a yank and it will brak free....

Stars, I have just read this thread this evening for the first time. I don't have anything very different to add as you have had lots of support and good advice from everyone just wanted to say that I will be following this thread from now on and I wish you all the very best. I hope you get out soon and that it doesn't prove to be too bad. I think the others are right to say he won't take it nicely. If you do leave to go into a rented house instead of WA I don't think you should tell him where you are at first. you will need time to settle and feel strong enough. You could still arrange access supervised by someone else even if you aren't in a refuge. But they are right it would be good to consider WA for the support. Years ago I used to volunteer with a WA group annd although I know staying in a refuge wasn't easy for all the women they found the support and SAFETY invaluable. Thinking about you and keeping fingers crossed that it all works out soon.

Morning Stars.

I sincerely hope that your lack of posting is due to your busy week and nothing else.

Hope you're enjoying the relative peace and quiet now that the kids are back at school and H is back at work.

Morning stars

Hope the sun is shining where you are and that you are having a peaceful morning.

Hiya Stars, hope you're feeling warmer this morning, bloody freezing wind yesterday wasn't it! It's a big week for you so I'm sending extra happy thoughts your way, at least the sun is smiling down and I hope it's putting a smile on your face!

Stay strong

Hey Stars I hope everything is okay??

Hey stars, hope you're ok? Just wanted to wish you luck with your appointments this week

Great inspirational posts from flibberty!

Hi stars, sending you some cheers and pom pom shakes for the coming week x

Hi everyone.
Sorry not been on before.
Have been out to the park today with the children and shopping,they had an inset today I nearly forgot about it.

clam -no worries,everything makes me cry at the moment.

Solicitors and council this week,am getting nervous now.
Preparing questions i would like to ask them
as have limited time.

noonki-that is reassuring to hear.

flibberty-great post ,thank you.
I must get over the fact that 42 is not old.
in fact my own mother had her last 2 children at the ages of 41 and 43.

fuzzywuzzy-tranquility sounds wonderful.

mistlethrush and billsilver-am hoping I get the information I need from the council etc although ultimitly (sp) will be my decision what to do with that information.

witchwoamn -thanks for reading the thread and your support.

PMSL and dalrymps-sun is shining and we had a fab time at the park.
Could'nt help think I could feel this releaxed all the time.

sammy,holy and muppets-am feeling excited and apprehensive.