To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Hey Stars - good you had a good day with your neice, and really looking forward to coffee next week - I have your details, so will be there after I've dropped DS off at school (and got lost a few times).

You really do sound so much more positive - I'm so happy for you .

I'm guessing because it's friday he may be even more piggish than usual, but stay strong, act weak, and if it all gets too much I'll come and get you

Oh, and (((((Hug)))))

Hi Stars, sorry I've not been around much in the last few days but have been following your thread.

Isn't H a drama queen? When you go you should leave him the contact details for your local amateur dramatics society

On a serious note, it's great to hear you so positive and determined. Not to mention how fabulously organised you are. You've set the wheels in motion and it can only get better from now on.

Just to add (along with the wonderful ideas earlier) that I'm moving house in about nine weeks time and am having a huge clear out of stuff that isn't 100% essential for us. I have quite a few bits that I was going to freecycle, but if you do find that you need any odd bits and pieces it shouldn't be too hard to get them to you (am moving to Cambridge, and have family in your region for larger bits, or post for smaller obv).
I know that it might seem strange accepting things from (virtual) strangers, but as far as I'm concerned (and others too no doubt), it's no different to freecycling them and I know that at least this way they'd be put to good use.

I hope that your evening is peaceful

amidaiwish-I think I will be very weary in the future as far as other relationships are concerned.

dreadpirate-looking forward to coffee also,you have my number if you get lost.

billsilver-
thank you for thinking of me ,I really appreciate it.

Well H is not home yet...

Lets hope he gets in and goes straight to bed then Stars!

Shall I make sure the car boot's empty?!

He came in about 20 mins ago and as usual is in a foul mood.

He had to work late until 5.30 so went for a couple of beers after work.

Was questioning the children about what they had eaten today and explained they had a picnic lunch with my niece's young daughter.
Quiche,salad,doughnoughts we had bought etc.

"a balanced diet then" he said sarcastically.

Talk about spoiling their fun.

Maybe not for much longer hey? Quiche and salad perfectly balanced with treats IMO...

Hi there, I also thought you might say that about making a list!
There was another poster last year in your situation, she stopped posting for a while then another mnetter posted to say she'd had an email from the other lady, that she had DONE IT, was in a refuge awaiting rehoming.
The thread just turned into a deluge of offers from people.
I can just imagine when you finally get out, the sound of all those mumsnetter loft hatches opening will be deafening.

Once you get your appointments out of the way next week are you going to start thinking through the actual practicalities of going and where to?

If you go straight into something private rented do you have money for deposit and first months rent till you get all your finances sorted out? Not meaning to be nosey, but you said a while back that you have some savings.

Sorry xpost!
Oh he is just getting desperate for some thing to criticise! He HAS to keep putting you down to keep you in your place.

If it makes you feel any better me and the ds's went swimming today with 2 other mums and 4 other children. We all went for a picnic on the playground outside the swimming baths and instead of each eating their own we just pooled about 5million items of complete junk food!

No salad or quiche for my two today, that sounds positively healthy!!!

Well done for not saying 'oh and just beer or g and t everyday is balanced then?????' accompanied by suitable hard stare!

What a twat; that sounds like a perfectly reasonable lunch to me. So, when are you off, m'dear?

Does he look shorter now? (Just curious.)

He is obviously grasping at straws.

Had a barage (sp) of you have shrunk my new socks,why is your niece giving DD a bike when I said I would fix the old one?, why has your sister sent them money?

"Did your guests use all the toilet roll as their is none left and it needs replacing"

All because my niece's DD has outgrown her bike and thought DD would like it.
My sister did'nt see them at easter so sent them some money to buy something.

I have noticed before he is moody when any of my family have visited,don't know why.

As soon as my appointments are over will then be making a decision as to what to do next.

I don't have funds for deposirs etc but the lady from the council said there is help out there so will find pout more on thurs.

He has just having his gin and tonic now,very healthy.

Does he look shorter now?
Sorry bit confused,was that in refrence to Paddington?

Sorry ,typing all over the place there.

Better put 'toilet roll' on that blackboard then

He may well be moody when you've seen your family because it reminds him that you're not actually alone and solely dependent on him. And because he realises that, having spent a day with people that treat you with love and respect, you might just be a little less satisfied with his hatred and bile...

Oh stars, I'm so proud of you. You seem to be getting stronger by the day.

The posts by 'strong stars' make me grin so much!

There's one thing that worries me though and this is it... When you move out, I worry that he'll come looking for you straight away and harass you. I really think that being in the WA refuge would protect you from all that. You'd all be safe and you wouldn't have to worry. about anything for the few weeks you were there.

I know you're not convinced about going to WA, but they would look after you all for say 2 to 3 weeks while you got your housing situation sorted out.

I know it's got nothing to do with me, but I'd feel so much more comfortable knowing that you were safe with WA. Much love xxx

dreadpirate-that's probably it r he is jealous because he does'nt have a close relationship with his family.

He has just said have'nt I noticed he has been making an effort this past week and that he has got nothing back from me.
I told him without thinking what I was saying it was too late.
He said only if you want it to be.

Now I have those feelings of guilt again and am feel like I am betraying him.
I know I am not deep down but hate this rollercoaster of ups and downs.

x posts lobster- I think the time will come when I am at rock bottom and it may well be a spur of the moment decision ,so WA could still be an option.

Its typical abuser behaviour to separate you from your friends and family so that you are more dependent on him and less likely to have people who love you saying 'omg get rid of that pig'.

Oh dear thats another bit of 'typical abuser behaviour' we have spotted.

I am still yet that he thinks he can moan about his children being fed salad and quiche on a day out!

On your blackboard you can put

Things you need not to run out of:

Milk - to put a lining on your stomach for all that booze.
Bread - to soak up all the booze in your stomach.
Toilet paper - because you are such an arsewipe.

(I know you won't as that would just be a red rag to the bull!)

x post.
No No No No No No No No No No

do not feel guilty that HE is now making his version of an effort and saying that it doesn't have to be too late.

• he isn't really making an effort cos in the last week he pissed off to the pub leaving his son in the garden, moans about your cooking, splatters coke in your face during a very menacing manouvre.

• it really is too late, he has had years to realise his problems and make an effort but he chose not to.

When you go he will no doubt tell everyone how awful you are because he was 'making an effort', and you may have a twinge of guilt that he is suffering.

I'm going to put my next bit in a new post.

flibberty-great suggestions for the blackboard.

He is probably feeling a bit paranoid thinking that I have been chatting with my niece today about the situation.

When I left my ex, he got his so called friend to come to my work and say that he was really sorry and I needed to come back (he'd changed the locks by this time though!).
I said no, burst into tears and told his friend that he'd started knocking me about.

The friend told me this story and I really think its how these men view the women who leave them.

(Honest its true this is what his friend told me)

"A man had a dog, and the man used to go to the pub everynight and come home and beat the dog. After years of this, one night the dog jumped up and went for the man and bit him. Do you know what, the man never hit that dog again".

I remember saying 'are you calling me a dog?'

The friend was saying 'see, so you have jumped up and bit him now so he won't do it again'.

Up to that point I had spent several days and nights feeling 'guilty' about going and how 'hurt' he was. He wasn't hurt at all, he was just angry that his dog didn't come when it was called.

So don't feel guilty, he just wants to control you like my ex did and anything he does or says after you've gone is to get you back under his control, not to make some nice go of the relationship.

He probably gets annoyed when your family come around because he has no control over what you are all talking about. The way that he acts probably means that he has a paranoid side, thinking or wondering if you are telling them about him.

He expects you to regard his 'trying' as some major effort that you haven't given him credit for? (something else that is your fault) Cheek of him! He is not a real man, a real man would not expect praise for treating you slightly less shitty than normal. A real man would never treat you like that in the first place. He is all mind games and manipulation and I know you will be a million times happier without him. Only hindsight will show you that.

You are getting there slowly but surely stars. Keep being strong, everyone here is really proud of you and rooting for you. These appointments will arm you with the valuable information that you need, as well as give you extra strength. Chin up, things are all falling into place and very soon your life will be amazing, like you never thought it could be. Just wait and see.

Flibberty-I could imagine one of his friends saying exactly the same thing.

He feels because he is not going to the pub so often he is makling an effort ,but he is still being abusive in the way he talks to me.
He does'nt see like that though and that is the problem.
When these pangs of gulit hit me will caome back to you post and read the No No No No No.

Holy-Had'nt thought of it that way.
He is probably waiting for me to thank him for making such a big effort and fall at his feet.

I think that a lot of it comes down to control. The belittling, trying to make you think that it's you with the problem - all controlling behaviours.

Whilst he has you in the house and under his control (without you having any contact with outside influences - no nights out with friends, seeing family etc) he has nothing to worry about. He controls the environment and has great suggestive power and influence.

If you were to talk to someone outside of his control about his behaviour, you might come to realise that what he is doing is wrong. Blimey, if you were to go so far as to regain some of your self confidence (that he's so enjoyed destroying over the years), you might very well be the one in control - and he wouldn't like that very much would he?

It's like a series of manipulative mind games. Is your DH in some sort of management position? I can imagine that he likes the authority.

You have to remember that you've been with this man for a long time, and he has learnt exactly what it takes to be able to push your buttons and get the emotional response that he is looking for. I know it sounds terrible but he's playing you. You only need to browse through some of the threads in relationships to see that some men like to play, and it can start very early on in a relationship. Your H is a seasoned pro.

If by some remote chance his 'effort' were because he had seen sense and wanted to make things better, his comments would have been more along the lines of;

(1) I'm sorry
(2) What can I do to make it better?

There is no two way communication, and I imagine that he's not one for discussion/listening to you/liking it when you answer back. He probably loves his rhetorical questions.

If he were making an effort because he wanted to why why why would your reaction matter? Again, it's not about him at all (in his mind) - he just sees it as what you are not doing.

Maybe none of the above is true, and I am in fact way off base, but all your posts always sound so very familiar.

I hope he's retired with his vat of gin and left you alone tonight.

If he was really "making an effort" he would sit you down and say "I've treated you badly for years, I'm going to get treatment for my alcoholism and start treating you properly. Can you forgive me? Can we do anything to save the damage I've done?"

I know you don't feel that anything could repair you're relationship anyway, but what he has been doing this week isn't even on the same planet as an effort.

Don't let his mind games get to you. He's unsettled, he's trying to regain control of you.

I'm off to bed now but just wanted to say,

No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no

Don't feel guilty!!

Stars, I haven't posted here before, but want to offer you my support. I've read all your posts, including the old ones under different names.

10 years ago I was in a very similar situation to you, with a verbally (and occasionally physically) abusive alcoholic partner. I finally found the courage to leave, and stayed with family until I found somewhere else for me and my 3 year old DS to live. I've been happily married to my DH for 6 years now . Please believe us all when we tell you that life will be much happier away from this useless man.

There is a little exercise you should do which will help you whenever you have a wobble, and will also clarify the extent of your DH's drink problem.

Sit down and work out how much money his habit/hobby is costing evety week.i.e.

Gin and tonics at home (£15 for bottle of gin + mixers) = £20

Drinks in pub @ £2.50 per pint, X 4 pints per night, x 5 nights per week = £50

Take-out booze for after the pub @ £5 per night X 3 nights = £15

Taxis home from pub when too pissed to drive @ £7.00 per night X 5 nights = £35

Meals in pub when can't be arsed to come home for dinner = £7.50 per night X 2 nights = £15.

Total for week = £135

Now, obviously I'm guessing at the above figure, but judging by what you've told us about his drinking habits over the last 3 years I don't think it will be that inaccurate. Especially as I haven't factored in lunchtime and work-related boozing.

This all adds up to well over £550 per month

Even if this reflects an unusually hard-drinking month, I bet the average figure is never less than £400 per month.

What percentage of his take-home pay does that represent? How much do YOU spend on hobbies and social life for yourself and your DCs?

Working out the financial costs of his drinking will be extremely useful ammunition when you come to discuss your situation with family, solicitors, GP, Women's Aid etc.

Saying your DH drinks too much could be seen as just your opinion. Telling people he spends at least £400 per month on alcohol and related expenses is not. It is FACT.

My ex-DP was spending an incredible 25% of his take home pay on booze (and weed ). Keeping this in mind helped me whenever I felt guilty about leaving.