To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

I profoundly doubt there was too much garlic in the chicken - he just needed something, anything, to be cruel about.

With my XP, when he was ranting and being cruel - does your H seem to get stronger and stronger the more he makes you crumple - like he's leaching the strength out of you? That's how it always seemed to me...

Just checking in. Hope you're okay stars x

Still here shaking my pompoms for you! No way could you let us down, look how far you've come over these two threads. What you've done is amazing, in such a short time - it's no wonder your head's spinning! We're here to support YOU and YOUR choices - whatever you decide to do you're not alone, we're all here for as long as you need us.

You posted the other day about wanting to keep other people happy and worrying what they think, and not being able to take a compliment - boy do I know how that feels! It wasn't a DP but a family member who sucked all the life and confidence out of me, it's taken a long time to believe in myself again. What helped me, and might help you, is to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about yourself - tell yourself you believe it, even if you don't at first. Do it at least once a day, I promise you in time you'll accept what you're telling yourself is true. As time goes on you can add in things like 'I deserve respect' or whatever is important to you - this sort of thing helps when you're panicking too, you can have a little phrase you repeat to yourself as reassurance.

Hope that makes some sense to you, sending you good wishes as ever and remember you've got my email address if you need it.

Don't forget that you said the local taxi drivers seem to know who he is as they deposit him home from the pub regularly. Neighbours have seen him stagger home drunk. Far from worrying that they'll be thinking ill of you for leaving, I think it far more likely that they'll be waving flags of support and wondering what on earth took you so long.

Am feeling a bit more positive this morning.
Sorting through some more clothes today.

My niece is visiting tomorrow so will be nice to have a chat with her.

Have such a busy week next week.
DS has 2 appointments on the same day next week ,a school meeting the next day,2 doctors appointments,council and solicitors.
So will need to muster up some strength from some where to get through that lot.

H left a bit later for work this morning as will be working at his bosses house today.
Of course he had to point out he had just used the last teabag and I could'nt have a cup of tea because I had forgotten to buy anymore.

He has a real problem about shopping does'nt he?
Maybe he should seek some therapy for that.

There's another thing for that blackboard Stars!

Can your niece take some things with her back to your sisters? If you can get some clothes away it will make leaving much easier - much less to worry about and pack.

Just do a little every day - one day you will find that you don't have to do any more - and can just leave. You won't be worrying about anything you're leaving and will have all the important things.

I hope you and the children have a nice day today.

Just checking in to wish you good morning! Let me know if there's anything I can pick up for you next week maybe?

xx

Do you find that the sorting and organising is helpful for you?

Well Stars when you are ready to leave, then your Dh will have to buy his own tea-bags. I'd happily drink coffee or plain water until that day.

Hoping things are ok with you.

Hi Stars,

Still here and rooting for you

If you go to google.co.uk they have a link today to download a new version of google called google chrome. It's free and the reason I'm posting this is because it says one of the features is "incognito browsing" - you can visit websites without it showing on your history list. Thought it might be useful for you x

Wow, what a nasty piece of work he is. He really is beyond contempt. These cycles of treating you like crap and then rewarding you manipulatively with a bit of good behaviour thrown in when he feels like it! Argh, makes me so mad but it is futile to concentrate on him. You and your children are the ones who are important here!

Have spent ages reading these two threads and wanted to pop in with some support stars. You have done so well so far in making your appointments etc. 42 is young and you have a whole new life ahead of you just around the corner. It is plain to see that you have gleaned a lot of strength from MN and that is a wonderful thing. Don't be scared, instead be proud because at least you have the guts to change your life.

Keep it up, keep posting and keep getting stronger. I wish you and the children tonnes of good luck and fortune, you really do deserve it.

Stars, I just wanted to add my own best wishes and understanding for the situation you're in. I split up from my alcoholic and abusive ex two or three years ago. Best thing I have ever done. I found Al-Anon very helpful, and counselling (organised via my GP) even more so.

There's a very good book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie that talks a lot about how we end up with all our attention nailed on the alcoholic and trying to predict what they'll do next. And helps you to get that attention off of them and back on to you, where it belongs.

Had a nice day playing board games with the children.

Got a few more bits orgainised.

dreadpirate-will have a think.
Let me know what day would be best for coffee next week please.

Sorting and orgainising is quite helpful and makes me feel nearer to going.

thanks casserole-will take a look.

holyguacamole-thanks for your support.
I must keep thinking 42 is not old and that I stilln have time to strat again,although will be a long long time in the future and only then when I am very very sure of leting someone else into mine and the childrens life.

snorbs-glad you are happy now.
Iwill checkout that book you recommended.

No sign of H yet but then he was working with the boss today so after work drinks probably obligatory.(sp)

Stars, I´ve been lurking and thinking of you. My mum lived through similar circumstances but waited till she was going on 60 before finally divorcing. She only regrets waiting so long and has had so many (suitable) men after her, even in her 60s!

Good luck with your plans, be strong!

Stars, I haven't posted for a while now as have been away and such, but I wanted to let you know that you are sounding so much stronger now, it really is evident in your writing.

I'm still standing on the sidelines, next to PMSL and those other pompom wavers, gesticulating wildly and whooping it up for you. You go, girl, you rock!!!

Stars - any day but Monday works for me please . Tell me when and where - maybe I'll bring pompoms

Have a sticky bun for me please, stars and DreadPirate!!

Thanks everyone.
dreadpirate will e mail you.

Another fun night in the ........ household.

He got home at 6.30 and came in the kitchen where I was cooking and turned the extractor fan on to high as I obviously did'nt have on on the right setting.
He said the house smells of pig what are you cooking.
I told him we were having pesto pasta with pancetta.
His response surprise surprise

"Oh great,I hate that,no dinner for me again then"
"You would have thought after all these years you would know what I like"
"You are becoming more unbelievable"

I thought to myself unbelievable,the best is yet to come.

He then opened the kitchen windows and reckoned the smell was making him feel sick.

FUnny that it did'nt stop him making a gin and tonic.

There really is no winning with him, is there? You don't cook at all, he complains. You cook something nice, he also complains.

He did'nt have anything in the end.
I think he likes playing the martyr.

Talk about going from one extreme to the other he just asked if I was alright and tried to hug me.
I shrugged him off and he said "ok ,I get the message"

So why did I feel so gulity and sorry for him?

because he's got you where he wants you

only you can break free of him and get to where YOU want to be

Has he ever told you that he doesn't like 'pig'?

If he wants to be a martyr, let him. I personally can't be doing with anyone who wants to sulk (my mother does it particularly well and I confront her about it now). Leave them to it, I say, or turn it on him and ask if he'd like to leave you with the week's menu! Smile when you say it and really confuse him.

I'm sure the change is his insecurity showing through - I think he can probably tell that his complaints about food are not really 'getting through' to you like they used to - so he is trying the 'nice' route as an alternative. Please don't feel sorry for him - this is his doing, you are not responsible.

I am getting better at him not getting to me.

Funnily enough I did say leave me your menu which was when he said I should know what he likes by now after so many years.

He just gave me another one of those famous stares of his
and I asked him what was that for.
Apparently he did'nt give me a dirty look ,I am paranoid.

I thought to myself No I am not paranoid,you would like me to think I am but that won't work anymore.