To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

I do tend to worry too much about what other people think and other peoples reactions to things.
I try to please everyone and make sure everyone is happy.
I do not like upsetting people.
Having said that I know he has had no qualms about upsettng me in the past.

Why do I want things to be ideal?
Am quite a perfectionist believe it or not. I realise deep down things have been far from ideal but have been the norm for me for so long I don't know anything else.
Which is probably why I find it so hard to take a compliment from anyone.

tiffany- I know I should not be making excuses for him,god knows he does'nt deserve it.
Maybe I am feeling so guilty for what is to come I am trying to ease my guilt.

dittany-when he comes home really drunk yes you can smell it on him and he sweats quite badly.
Although having not slept in the same bed with him for a while I don't have to pit up with that anymore.

Your perfectionism probably comes from trying to gain some sort of control over a situation in which you have had ver little control living with an abusive drunk. You grasp for some sort of order. I know it must be scary to just let things be messy, but if being messy (i.e. running away to WA, upsetting DH, etc) is the only way you're going to get out of this situation (safely) then you're gonna have to accept a bit of messiness.

Its your home situation that makes you worry too much about what other people think.

I am exactly the same and can pinpoint it to the eggshell years. Worrying that anything I might do or say would upset that person who had so much control over me. Its a very hard thing to shake off.

On the perfectionist thing - nitemare is right - I think I've mentioned it before in this thread but while I was with him I was obsessively vegetarian and tee total. Within 24 hours of leaving him I'd scoffed a huge steak and had a great time getting pissed.

The thing controlling me was gone so I didn't have to use little things like my food and drink to make me feel like I was in control of my own life.

I feel like you must think I'm nagging you now. But I didn't have one person that I thought I could turn to when things were bad or when I was leaving. You've got the whole of cyberspace rooting for you

Hi Stars,

I think that you'll feel a lot better about making an informed decision once you've been to all your appointments and have all the facts.

There would be nothing stopping you spending a short time at WA whilst H calmed down and you got everything organised, then going down the private rental route. It really depends as to what you think his reaction will be? I know that you've expressed concern about how your children will find the transition, and H will be unable to turn up drunk and or angry if you're at WA and that would spare them that sight iyswim? As I've said - only you know that and I'm sure you'll make an informed decision once you know where you stand. I'm sure everyone will be happy to debate pros and cons of every possible avenue with you once you're ready.

Somebody said on the thread earlier that if your GP suggests AD's you can refuse and ask for counselling. This is certainly correct, and you can ask for this but it might take a while due to waiting lists etc. My biggest concern here is that you aren't stuck post-leaving without adequate support to get you through those first few days/weeks. If you opt for counselling please do ask what their waiting times are like at present.

Have you had a look at the virtual refuge on the womens aid site? (It's here if not) It explains more about what they look like, what they do and has a lot of FAQs that you can click on whilst exploring the facilities.

Is it tomorrow that H is back to work? I bet you can't wait!!

Stars if your husband's alcoholism and his abusing you become common knowledge and he has that 'label' over his head, then it will be entirely down to his own actions. You will not be giving it to him, he will have made it for himself.

Please please please stop feeling that you owe him loyalty and protection - you do not. He is becoming progressively more violent and threatening to you as time passes and I really do believe that if you tell him you are leaving that he will hit you

stars, I have been following these two threads and just want to add my support.

re furniture, as someone else said, there is freecycle. Here we have an organisation called basicsplus that provide low cost 2nd hand furniture to those on low incomes, and there is also a church-run furniture shop that is cheap. You may be able to get details of anything similar in you area when you meet with the council.

wishing you luck, strength and the happiness you deserve. x

Hey Stars just checking in this morning to see how you are doing?

I still think you should go down WA route, you shouldn't feel guilty about putting a label on H head - he's made that for himself already.

xxx

I've been a lurker on here for a while. But I agree with the others, you have to go the WA route. If only because it will make it harder for your H to take full residency of the kids.

You have my fullest sympathies, I've been with an abuser too (although I didnt have kids with him), and walking away was one of the hardest things I did. And when I did it, I wasn't worried about what he would say but what my parents would say - now that says a lot about how I really felt. But the day after I finished with him, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Good luck and I really hope you find the courage to walk away soon

I support the idea that a week or two with WA would make you safer and give you support for the initial rages and so on. And then you would be moving on.

You need to be able to get away and do things on your own terms - for the first ever time - without him storming round while you have no other protetection. Otherwise there's not much difference between you having to take it all at home and you having to take it all in a rented place. You need to get established with your independence asserted and people around who can help.

Please consider it.

Stars, reading through your last night's posts a couple of things occurred to me - first off, you say he said the other night that he would like to make things work - as I recall, you posted around that time that when you said he should address his drinking he told that no, he meant to 'fix' you... Doesn't sound much like love to me - and if it is, not the kind of love anyone needs...

Secondly, re the drink driving - you say he wouldn't do this, but hasn't he regularly done it the morning after? Dropping the children to school when he's still working the previous night's drinking out of his system?

Sorry to bang on about this, but your H really doesn't deserve all of the consideration you want to give him, and I really believe that the more consideration you give him the less likely he is to accept that these are problems of his own making...

Hair sounds fab btw! Hope you're enjoying your 'day off' today

Stars - I think that lots of people have been recommending the WA route - particularly with the recent apparent escalation in threat levels at home. It doesn't mean that you won't be able to go into private rented - it will mean that you (and the children) are safe whilst you find out what your H's reaction to your leaving will be. Please don't worry about going along this route in terms of its impact on your H - if he is fine and you can safely negotiate reasonable access with the children, it won't stop that. I am sure that WA would be able to talk you through how safe access could be made for your children.

Don't worry about 'labeling' him either - he is trying to do this to you - but he needs to realise that he is an alchoholic and an emotional abuser.

I am looking forward to the days after you leave when you can let us know how your changed circumstances are making you feel. Whilst I am sure that you will be sad and concerned for you and your childrens' future - I am sure that being able to 'let your hair down' and not walk around on egg shells, or waiting for the next time he comes home drunk will make you feel so much more positive

Stars, I too have been lurking.

I grew up as the child of an alchoholic and witnessed/experienced things that no child should ever see. Now I have my own child I am suffering severe issues with anger over why my brother and I had to live with that.

I would say stop worrying about your DH, he is going to affect your children too. Believe me when I say that in the longterm, they will respect you for making it better.

Yes I can see that it will be tough now, but it is there future and it is your lives that matter.

I have also been trying to accept/learn that when someone has a drink problem, they make everything about them, no-one else matters in any way shape or form. I had a long chat with a lovely man at AlAnon last week on the phone as I felt that alot of current issues were down to me and whether I can change the drinker and I do think the penny has dropped with me.

I can't change them but I can control my future and that of my family. It is going to hurt to get to the other side and take control but like you I can see the future.

Please leave your DH and remove your children from this. You have a right to be happy, and you have a responsibility to make them happy, safe and secure.

hi, have just caught up with this thread again, I noticed one comment you made about how he would be towards you when you had to "handover" the children. You really wouldn't have to see him Stars as there are supervised access visits that are in alot of areas across the UK. When my ex first left I suggested this to him in order for him to see his dd, as I didn't want him anywhere near me. I just didn't trust him to keep his temper with me, also every time he saw me he kept asking to come back. I am glad now that I held strong, he declined the use of the supervised access though so as a result he has missed out on 7yrs of his dd's life

Stars - just checked online, and apparently there are 4 contact centres locally, one of which offers 'supervised' contact where required. So lots of options for you

I agree with everyone who has said that you have become so conditioned to always think of him first, to second guess his every move that you cannot stop, even when you need to.

You say that maybe you are in still in denial that this is happening to you?

Well I think you are right. It's probably a coping mechanism that you've had to develop in order not to crack up. But you are about to get out of this horrid situation now, so you must find that last little reserve of inner courage and face it, it IS happening, you ARE dealing with it, it WILL get better.

And as for not wanting to label him, that is not a decision you can make.

HE IS AN ABUSER AND AN ALCOHOLIC, END OF.

It's not a question of your labeling him making him so, he already is, label or not.

Lastly, as far as wanting to avoid taking the women's aid route, please remember that your children would be far more affected by witnessing your H turning up on the doorstep of your private rented house and ranting, making threats, trying to get to you, using them to get to you, trying to presuade them to come to him, causing a scene for all your new neighbours to see and being taken away by the police, than they would by spending a short time in a refuge, surrounded by people who have lots of experience at helping children who've left their homes.

Do you think maybe the stigma associated with a refuge is part of the problem? And that by admitting you do actually qualify for help is somehow admitting faliure? (It isn't, not for second, you need help, through no fault of your own, just like hundreds of women across the country.)

Keep talking these worries through stars, it's obviously helping you clear your head,

ps
Really proud of you.

Still lurking and thinking of you today. Hope it has been productive and a step in the right direction. You're doing brilliantly.

Stars - another lurker here, just wanted to say well done for having the courage to finally want to put a stop to it all.

I think your list of things to do/take is amazing and very well thought out.

I used to work for the health authority where we would provide women with their medical cards via women's refuges as they had run with nothing, some of them as young as 16 who were running from arranged marriages

Best of luck to you.

Hi everyone,thanks for all your messages.

Am feeling a bit shakey today and mixed up and confused.
Its been nice that it has just been me and the children.

Next week I will hopefully be feeling more positive once I have attended these appointments and have some time to think clearly and make phone calls when the children are back at school.

Hope I am not letting you all down by still being here and dithering.
I expect you are all waiting for that one post from me to say " Todays the day"

Am a bit apprehensive today as H has gone back to work and am wondering if he will go back to his old ways or come home for dinner.

stars, I can't let your post go unanswered.

Yes I think we probably are all waiting for that post from you. BUT you are in NO WAY letting any of us down because you haven't done it yet. From all the posts I've read everyone is here to support you, not judge, and for as long as you need it. Only you can make the decision when to make your move, not anyone else.

Take care, I hope tonight is OK for you.

variaty-thanks.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to wish me well and post on my thread.
When I get it printed out it will be something I will keep for the future to remind me what great people you all were and how much of a help you were to me.

Weeeelllll,

I'm not waiting for a post that says 'todays the day'

I am waiting to not see you post for a while then a post to say that you haven't posted for a while cos you have no internet access in your new home.

You are not letting us down at all. I for one am here as long as you need me to keep my foot up your bum!

You have got through one of the hardest parts of leaving an alcoholic abuser - admitting that this is whats been happening to you all these years.

Like I said earlier, your mind has already upped and left him, only your body (and children) to follow it.

Would it help if you put things in the mail to a trusted person when you have completed each task? That way you don't have to worry about him finding a stash. It would also get you a reason to go out each day to walk to a post office. Each time you get a copy of something or put photos on a dvd, just stick it in the post and then you don't have to worry about physically having it when you go.

I didn't just up and go straight away once I realised I couldn't stay. I faffed for ages and I didn't even have kids. I thought somehow I should make it easier for him, and convinced myself that the house was my home.

The last thing we want is for you to think we're all standing there hands on hips trying to make you do something before you are ready.

Stars, do you remember how you felt before you had children, and someone with children would tell you how much they loved them, but until you had you own you just didn't get it? And then it's like- OMG,this is what they meant.

Well, that's what all of us who have left abusers are trying to get across to you here, how different your life will be in ways you just can't imagine until it happens.

You aren't letting anyone down, we are just desperately trying to help you understand how much better you're life could be. But how could you imagine it until you have experienced it?

Thinking of you x

Will be back on later.

He has just got home in a foul mood because his mother apperently rang today 10 times and nobody answered.
I heard the phone once and did'nt get to it in time.
He was questioning the children about it.
So she rang his mobile all concerned.

He has now started on the 20 questions.
What have I been doing all day?
Why is this not done?
Whats for dinner?

Told him the children wanted a picnic so they had snacks and he is just saying

Will ask you again,whats for dinner?

He reckons I should join the labour party as am good at avoiding answering questions.

I am unbelievable apprently.

He was mumbling to himself so asked him what he said
He shouted at me
he was talking to himself and to mind my own buisness.

he is just hideous
you really don't have to put up with this shit.

i have no idea what is for dinner. dh will be home in an hour and will say "do i need to get anything" which is his way of nicely asking "is there dinner?!"

that is normal behaviour.

what you're experiencing is just horrible. not acceptable and not normal.