To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

i've been away for the weekend, just checking up on you, haven't got to the end, still shocked from the coke can incident.

will catch up with this thread asap.

take care stars.

Stars - just to say, don't worry too much about all the 'stuff' - once you're gone, you might find you prefer to get things that he had nothing to do with anyway IYSWIM? 'Tis all only stuff...

Shan't be around much tonight as over at neighbour's for dinner, but hoping your day has been peaceful, and that you hold out till he's gone to work tomorrow.

xx

Stars, just be honest and frank with the GP, you're in the process of getting out of this relationship etc... could be the best support/evidence/back up you ever need if he tries it on later with regards to the children.

dread is right about "stuff" - just the paperwork, just the minimum.

i too would recommend you go down the WA route, at least initally. just incase he explodes. at least WA will keep you away from him and safe in the immediate period after you leave.

take care, am so shocked by that coke incident, that is so so violent. explosive. and he wasn't even sorry or shocked. that's what worries me. please get yourself and the dcs out of there.

Hi stars, Can you get an answer ready just in case he stews on what you said (about having the kitchen and house to himself) and asks you about it? Maybe you could just say you meant you were going to bed early and leaving him in peace?

Hope your day's been peaceful. I agree with others re GP, just be honest; s/he will understand you are feeling vulnerable. You are being amazing thinking so straight under such pressure, and they'll be able to see that too. You'll be able to look back one day and be so proud of yourself.

Mostly posting so this sits at the top of conversations I'm on...

Are you OK? Did you get some time on your own? Things peaceful?

Will be thinking of you...

(((((Hug)))))

Hi stars,
That list of yours is brilliant. I'm really impressed by your strength of character and that you are coming to the decision to move out.

I was interested in what you were saying about your uncertainty of going to Womens Aid. I feel a bit nervous about you moving out and being with no support. But obviously there are things that you've thought about that are worrying about.

Would you be happy to say what you don't like about that idea?

Hope you are well.
xx

Hi stars - hope you are ok?

Well done on the list Just focus on those irreplaceable things and paperwork - for furniture etc there is always freecycle.

only just got back to this thread and I can't believe how well you are doing.

I tried to look back and see if anyone had explained about community care grants. But if not they are grants that you can apply for when/if you are rehoused/get private accommmodation. You dont have to pay them back. Just make sure you give as much detail as possible. CAB and Womens aid can help you fill them out usually.

(They normally give between £100 to £1000 depending on circs.)

Many towns have furniture places that help out. (often second hand but you can swap it later on and often it is better than the stuff I have here!)

hope you are ok x

Hope all's well - worried about the can incident. Don't worry about the GP - start out with what DreadPirate said - you can always elaborate afterwards. Thinking of you...

what area of the country are you in? wish i cld hellp in sme way.........

fantastic list Stars, you sound very organised and motivated.

Agree with the others re the GP, be open and honest about your situation, they can be a tremendous help.

You're doing so well

Sorry have't been on sooner.
So many kind wishes from everyone I can't help but get emotional.

Had a fairly peaceful day with the children.
H has been here all day and has been a bit moody and sarcastic but nothing I can't handle by now.

He is currently downstairs watching football on his third gin and tonic and I am up in my bedroom listening to classic FM.

I am hoping the GP does'nt suggest anti depressants as would much rather be offered some sort of councilling maybe.

WA-I still have reservations about WA as you will all have gathered by now.
I suspose I have not fully accepted I belong there,that my case does not warrant it.
Maybe I am in denial that this is happening to me.
Somedays it does'nt seem real.
Also am still concerned about labelling H the abuser and whether that would interfere with access to the children and his behaviour when all this comes out would be so much worse if I went to WA.
He would never forget I labelled him hat and would still have to see him in the future for the childrens sake and could make things difficult.
Where as if I rent privatly maybe in time he would see it ws all for the best.

As for grants etc a bit of a minefield but my council appointment is a week on thursday so should become clearer then.

Rewards-Everyones support on here daily and kind messages are all helping so much.

Looking forward tomorrow,he is back at work.

Dyed my hair this afternoon a vibrant red as the grey was becoming too prominent.
When I was colouring it I felt like I was in one of those films where someone was trying to disguise themselves so as not to be recognised.
I just need a beige mac and dark black glasses now.

H keeps looking at me strangley and smiling and has'nt said anything which I know from experience means he does'nt like it.
Oh well,he won't have to look at me for much longer!!!

He won't be reasonable, you know that. So going down the private rent route in the hopes he'll then be reasonable is a non starter and may put you in danger and will almost certainly expose your kids to a very nasty scene.
He is going to be a complete awkward bastard when you leave, HOWEVER you do it, so just do it in the way that will be safest for you and the kids.
He IS an abuser.

I think you are kind of used, after all these years, of trying to control his moods and appease him, which is why you don't want to antagonise him by going to WA. But you need to put yourself and the kids FIRST.
You cannot control his moods; he'll kick off whichever way you leave him, so do it the safest way

Hi stars I have been keeping an eye on this thread (and wishing you well) but just wanted you to know that when I went to the doc's with depression I said I would prefer counseling and that is what he arranged for me. I said I would like to sort it out myself and not have any drugs. Just a thought for you.

Hurrah for you. So glad he won't have to look at you for much longer!

Just out of interest. Why does he accept the status quo? Why doesn't he want to split up? Is it saving face with the family or would he be lonely? What's in it for him?

I just worry that if you go down the private renting route that you could find him sitting on your doorstep demanding things.

I know WA doesn't seem so appealing, but at least he wouldn't know where you were until things were more sorted. And until you were ready for him to be in contact with you and the dc's.

But, I can appreciate your indecision.

Oh, and well done on the new hair-do.

nitemare-I really understand what you are saying but it just seems so messy that way for some reason.
I was thinking I have never known any different really in all the 18 years we have been together.
The relationship was volatile from the off.
It calmed down a bit mid way,we had children but the last 4 years it has gotton worse.
Why did I continue with it?
I think I touched on it way back on my thread.
Had called off a wedding to someone I had been with for 4 years and still haunts me today.
Biggest regret of my life.
Never forgave myself.
So thought this was all I deserved after hurting this other guy so badly.
This was my punishment.
I had my one chance in life to be happy and I blew it.

halfmum-I will mention that to the GP ,thanks.
I have never had counseling so may be beneficial in the long run.

puffling-I think in his own way he loves me and said the other night he wants to sort things out.
Of course the house would be an issue and maybe he would not be able to stay here on his own all depending on his father.
Also he has been divorced before and hates upsetting his parents.

girlandboy-it may be after talking to the council I change my mind re the WA route.
I will try and get to talk to them again next week when the children are back at school .

Stars....Regards his access post separation. You need to think this through cArefully. Why worry a about it now? This man is an alcoholic,you MUST make this commn knowledge! If he see's the kids for accessthen how will you stop him driving off with them whilst over the limit???

You won't. So he will need his access supervised..... And not by you! He's a danger to them as he's an alcoholic.

tiffany-I understand what you are saying but truly believe he would not drink then drive when he has the children.

I know that may seem a strange thing for me to say but he has never done this before.

Sorry if I am being niave(sp) ,I still have this ideal in my head as how these things work .

He has never drunk and driven with the children because he usually leaves them at home with you while he disappears to the pub!

PLEASE stars, stop worrying about what HE will think! Honestly its because you are so conditioned to worry about his reaction to everything - because how he reacts to everything can make or break your day while you are still with him.

When you are gone, his reaction won't have any effect on you.

I honestly think that the WA route is the best for you. The more I think about it, the less likely it is that he will just let you leave with the children and go to some new rented address.

At the very least he will turn up and make scenes outside, at worst he may turn violent.

WA is for any woman who just needs somewhere to go as a stepping stone to the next stage of her life. You don't have to be black and blue to 'warrant' a place there, you just need to be a woman or mother who needs somewhere to stay for a bit while you get your head together and sort out all the smaller day to day details.

Stars........he'd still be over the limit the next morning. Be anyway, how would you know if he'd been drinking or not? If you aren't with him then you won't know what he'd consumed the night before!!
Stop making excuses for him. Please!