To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

Good list Stars.

Sounds like you're getting organised. Well done.

i have been following this thread and what i have noticed is that the treats of physical violence are becoming more and more in danger of becoming "actual" physical attacks.

i am finding this rather concerning - the coke can being crushed next to you maybe on you next time.

how would you feel if yr husband took the children to the wedding and as per usual got pissed - because he will as he has no control - drove over the limit the next day - as he always does - and crashed the car.

sorry to sound dramatic but that is all a very real possiblity in your circmstances

why dont you give yourself a deadline so that you have something to work towards - maybe the wedding weekend would be a good time to be out for?

Rewards, that had crossed my mind too about dh taking the dc's to the wedding, having too much to drink but driving anyway - be it that night or the next morning - and how would you cope if he crashed with the children in the car.
Stars, I've been following your thread but not posted before but all I can say is, does your h even like you let alone love you somewhere deep in his soul?
Surely you wouldn't treat somebody the way he treats you unless you had utter contempt and disrespect for that person?
Doesn't that make you want to run NOW with your dc's?
I can't imagine how hard all this must be for you but I can imagine how wonderful your life will be when you are finally free of this "man".

Stars, I was trying to say that he wants to take the children to the wedding because he is bothered what people will think of HIM if they are not there.

Not that they will all sit about whingeing about you if YOU are there or not.

May is aaaaaaaages off. I am sure you can be gone by then.

That list might seem a bit daunting at first, do you need to set yourself attainable targets of say 2 things on it per day, then if you get those done and still have some time, you could do a third?

I always find it hard to tackle a lot of stuff at once and need to break it down into bite sized chunks.

'No more will I have to hear "oh you are on mumsnet again are you?"'

Stars, I'm worried about this. If he knows you're posting here, please don't write anything too specific, such as when you're going.
The list is great but probably better posted when all those things are safe, in case he gets to them first.

Anyway, it's great to see a new strength in you through your words today

Also - was just thinking about your old threads as "the one where X happened" and "the one where Y happened", which made me think of other threads on MN titled like episodes of Friends!

Maybe this one can be "the one where Stars and DCs get their lives back"

What is it regarding the women's aid route that you find less appealing than private rent stars??

I agree with other posters, it may be so helpful to you to have that support and distance from him in the first few days/weeks.

Glad you have a van handy if you need it don't be shy of asking I'm sure they would jump at the chance to help you! Also means you can take all of the dcs things in one run, much easier and safer for you all.

I don't actually think for one minute that he will think you are on here plotting your escape. His ego won't let him even consider that.

Stars if it makes you feel any better I just turned round to ask a question of dp about kitchen fitting on another thread.

He said 'oh you are not on mumsnet again are you?'

Stars I just had an idea.

JUST in case the others are right and he might look on mumsnet, why don't you do the hide thingy on this thread so it doesn't show on the list of active conversations, then when you want to check it, find it through the topics list.

Then before you log off each time, just quickly look on lots of other threads so that this one isn't as obvious in your pc history.

Or just delete your history altogether

Your list is fantastic. I might also be tempted to take a note of his details too if possible, passport number perhaps. Not crucial but perhaps useful.

It makes me feel less nervous for you to know you are nearly ready to go, I have read all those old post and wish you were long gone from that horrible situation.

Wishing you well.

Hi Stars

Just leaving a quick message but will check in with you properly tomorrow. Sorry to hear that H has been threatening today, but on the positive side your response was fantastic and I very much look forward to reading posts from you a couple of months down the line when you are happy, free and settled in your new and fabulous life.

I hope you've had a trouble free evening. You're doing great!

The thing I'm worried about is that it's easy to find in the public view even without clues from an internet history.

Discovering out you're going to leave is one thing - and I agree that his ego would likely dismiss the vague idea - but learning specifics is quite another.

Just want you to be safe, Stars

Stars, sounds like you're nearly ready! The real you is emerging more with each post, you are such a strong, resourceful, clever woman - he may have tried to crush you, but you've just bounced back stronger than ever!

That list is fantastic, you're more organised than I ever am! Have you set a day in your mind yet, so you can do your own mental countdown? We're all so excited and nervous and happy for you, any time now you'll be free!

Quick message,will be back on later.

Am ok,H still in bed.

hiya stars! just a thought ...make a copy of your front door key and send it to dread! i did this when i left my exh( sent it to best mate , not dread), and when i knew exh was out at work i got back in the matrionial home and collected things i had forgotton, aka washing machine tv cooker kids stuff ect..... i actually empted the house! lol and had brothers on standby with a very large van! ex-h was furious but wasnt so sure about lifting his hands when my 6 foot tall brothers were there.he even tried to get police to charge me with breaking in..... but as i took everything that was mine before i'd marred him and left his stuff they didnt do a thing, except laugh!( am sure it was same pc that was called out a few weeks before about the violence

Good tip about the key.

you do have legal rights of re-entry though to collect your possessions - details on the shelter website.

Flibberty has a point about why he might want to take the kids to the wedding - it is to save his face - my dp does the same - dd very very ill on sunday and he was furious i would not take her to his mums - they know we are not getting on and a split is likely but he is oh so keen to make a good impression on others and make me look neurotic. dd so poorly ended up at A&E on Monday. she is asleep now, hence time to log on and join the real world for a while - and hopefully stars, like you in a few months time, I will be happily settled else where.

Morning Stars, I was wondering, have you seen your GP yet? It's worth talking to her about what has been happening in the event that H tries the "I'm worried about my wife and children, she's lost the plot and has taken them away from me.." line. It would also mean the surgery will be aware in future that under NO circumstances is H to be given any info about you or the DC.
Don't mean to add even more to your list of things to do

Hey Stars - even in your short post this morning you sound more positive . Let me know if there's something I can do? Am always on the end of the phone - son permitting - and checking email regularly...

H is still in bed so nipped on to post.

I am stil undecided about the WA route.
I know so many of you are saying it is the best route to take but I keep changing my mind and really need some time to sit down when I am alone to think of the plus and minus points.

Don't know about the inner core of steel.
Many a time I have put on a good act and hidden it well.
Inside I have been falling apart and have come home from the school run after a bad night with H and broke down as soon as I have come through the front door.I have got good at holding it all in until I am alone and can express it without my children seeing.

Dreadpirate-will e mail you tomorrow re that coffee.

He is talking about ethier driving or taking the train to the wedding now ,he said he has'nt decided and is getting really stressed with it all.
I expect because he is worrying what his parents will say when he turns up without me.

My niece is coming on friday so may get her to take a few bits to my sisters for me for storage.
Although will have to be small things,photos etc as the children will wonder why.

I always sign off mumsnet when I leave my laptop and go to the control panel and delete history.

I was planning on taking all my house keys with me.
Although he may change the locks.
Will have a clearer idea of rights after solicitors next weds.

A lot of the white goods were bought by his father when he bought the house.
Will obviously need beds etc.
The furniture was H's although we bought sofas etc together.
The TV is mine as my sister gave that to us a couple of months ago.

Going on past experience of which I have plenty today will be the real acid test for H.
It is the last day of his holiday and usually he will be feeling fed up at having to go back to work tomorrow.
Before on other holidays he is gone for a session in the pub as he may feel he has put in his time for the family and he deserves some time for himself.
I may be wrong,hopefully.

He has not surfaced yet and is still asleep with the pillow over his head.

Am looking forward to tomorrow and being able to sort through some more things.

Will look forward to coffee .

And it's an inner core of steel which allows you to put on a face until it's safe to let it slip.

And it has to be your decision when and how you leave. Be warned that if you do decide to go for the privately rented route, I will bombard you with emails daily because I'll be worried about your H's reaction, and your and your kids safety...

Take care - will be back on later,

xx

x posts-I am seeing the gp on april 23rd.
Getting a bit nervous about it now.
Need to plan out what I will actually say without sounding like I am not coping and heading for a nervous breakdown.

Last night I went into the kitchen after the children went to bed.
They were late going to bed last night,full of beans .
H was all moody and said are they in bed yet.
I told him yes and he wanted to know what I was doing now then.
FATAL ERROR on my part-I was tired and got a bit annoyed

I told him I was just in the kitchen to get something but not to worry he can have his precious kitchen and house to himself soon.

He just looked at me and said in a condicending tone
"Calm down,look at the state of you"

dreadpirate-may try and ring today as H said something about taking the children out.
If not will e mail.

Just caught this before I go back to floorwashing (joy...).

Don't worry about GP - explain what you've been going through - your H drinks too much on a regular basis, abuses you verbally, scares you physically. You're pretty sure you'll be a lot less anxious when you've got away from him, but in the meantime can she give you some support? Would that about cover it?

WRT to what you said to H last night - from what he said back, hopefully it didn't register.

Look forward to your call or mail

Hi Stars - even if you h bought the things - if you need them to make a home and care for the children you are entitled to take them -

saw a solicitor for advice re my situation and she said i could take things that you would reasonably expect to have to look after children. - you need to get a solictor asap if you havent already got one.

I had to pay for the advice (you may qualify for legal aid) but it was the best money i have ever spent as i now know where i stand and what exactly i can do and that the law will help to protect you and your children.

Dont worry about sounding like you are not coping with the gp - they will expect you to be showing signs of stress given your homelife.

The GP is there is support you. I think she'll be mightily impressed by the way you have coped in the face of the abuse that is being hurled at you on a daily basis, nevermind the fact that you're able to look at the situation rationally, and plan an escape for you and the DC, and continue to act normally in front of H (and not stick something where the sun doesn't shine...) shows that you ARE coping incredibly well.
Don't be afraid that if you break down in tears in front of her means that she'll think you are weak - the story that you are telling is SHOCKING, I think you've had all of us in tears reading your posts, it's not surprising you'd want to have a cry having lived through it all. Hope it's a quiet day for you x