To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

[chickenmama]

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

"Will I still be here in May,hopefully not."

No "hopefully" about it, girl - either you are or you're not.
I know it's the season of miracles but you know no-one's going to wave their magic wand in the meantime - except possibly the fab fairy godmother you have in DreadPirate! but although she can whisk you away from that hellhole, the only person who can let that happen is you.

It may sound harsh but I only know that because I also know how hard it is to leave someone.
I also know, however, that once you've done it, there'll be no stopping you and DCs

In fact, hearing this song earlier made me think of you - the lyrics couldn't be more spot on!

Hope the rest of your weekend is good

Hey Stars

Sorry not been on for a couple of days been mad weekend!!

Hope your easter isn't to bad?

About the wedding, lets hope your not around by then.

Your H is back to his normal ignorant tosser ways then.

How are you?

Hey Stars - you OK? I know you're feeling wobbly at the moment - maybe if you've got some uninterrupted time over the next few days we could talk about why? Are you likely to be around on here tomorrow (Monday) night do you think? Or maybe we could talk on the phone on Wednesday, once H is back at work?

Hope you're OK

(((((Hug)))))

Am going to bed now worried that my 'poor cow' comment has upset you

Sorry, I was just being honest. Having been that poor cow at many a wedding and works do.

Have a chat with dreadpirate as soon as you can, a human voice is always better than cyber-nagging from a bunch of strangers.

Love and hugs to you Stars

(((hugs)))
xxxxx

Morning Stars, It's no wonder you're feeling wobbly when he's been around the house for days, messing with your mind. Hopefully things will become clearer again when he's back at work and you have some space.

Thinking of you loads. Maybe the wedding will provide a good target date for you? If he has to go without you, and worse tell them you've left, it may be a good way for his family to see what his behaviour has become. x

Sorry everyone ,feel bad now for not posting last night.

I went to bed early as am feeling really run down at the momemt and can't seem to be able to function.
My head is filled with so much and don't know what to do next and where to start.

Flibberty-NO WAY have you offended me at all.
Quite the opposite ,you have been very helpful and kind as everyone has on here.
Please don't think that.

dreadpirate have e mailed you.

balloonslayer-yes he probably does see it differently to anyone else.
Partly because of my issues in the past with going out and he just hates shopping.
Also he feels all that shopping stuff should be down to me as you have probably gathered from my previous posts.

What triggered my agoraphobia?
Have asked myself many times.
A combination of things I suspect.

My parents deaths and not getting to the hospital on time ,in both cases,so did'nt get to say goodbye.

Being mugged a few years back made me very jumpy and wary for quite some time.

H coming home drunk countless times in front of the neighbours.(most who I have to face daily at the school)

Taxi drivers on the rare occasions I have got a taxi from town with shopping as soon as I say where I live have said
"Oh ,you must be ....... wife,we know him well,we bring him home quite often" said in a sarcastic jokey manner .

Sorry am trying to understand it myself.

dittany-thanks,new beginnings,sounds good.

notpaying-love that song,thanks.
You are spot on with the lyrics.
I am a you tube addict and love searching out new songs and reseraching lyric meanings.
Music is so important to me ,especially at the moment.

muppets-it comes and goes,feelings of positivity and the feelings of guilt,fear,what am I doing?

cazzaben-thanks,all these hugs,never had so many.

x posts singalong-I had told him before chrismas I could'nt face going to the wedding.
Under the circumstances I definetly could'nt now.

The children are so looking forward to it.
even if I have left by then he would still want to take them to the wedding.

Maybe if you're taking charge, he doesn't get to choose. The children will understand.

It's such a tough time for you, as things come to a head and all the anxiety and fears crowd out the real you. Hope you find your way through it. xx

I don't think you should let the children be a reason for either going to the wedding, not leaving before then, or anything else.
Sometimes, in fact a lot of times, children have to not do things they want to for a bigger and more important reason.

They are adaptable. They get over stuff without agonising. So they don't go to a wedding. I reckon it's more important that you stop sacrificing your life (and theirs) to keeping H and his family "happy".

Hi stars, I just wanted to say hello, have read all your posts and am so proud of you that you are starting to turn around the way you think and feel about your situation.

Hopefully after your appointments you will feel more in the know and that will give you a better feeling of control. I am very anxious and always feel better if I know all of my options and what can be done etc.

Is the wedding early or late May? I would just nod along if I were you and make all the right noises, knowing you will not be going and neither will the children. I doubt they would enjoy themselves without you there anyway as his fmaily sounds as awful as him! {hug}.

Have you though about access/contact? This is something you need to ask your solicitor about IMO, would you trust him to have sole charge with his alcohol probs?? Sounds like he cant look after himself never mind the kids! Would you trust him to pick them up in his car sober, without giving you hassle? I don't want these questions to worry you - just to conisder them so you can find out options. There are family contact centres where he could have supervised contact, or could be used as a pick up/drop off point so you don't have to deal with him.

Have to go now but have a good day

Stars - just a practical thought. You rent from your in-laws - but is there a contract? And if so, is it just in your H's name or is it in yours as well?

If there is a contract in joint names, or if there isn't a contract at all, you may need to give notice in writing directly after leaving, or find yourself liable for rent. I'm not sure if that's right though - anyone with more expertise than me on this?

Please don't consider that an obstacle though. You leave, you send a letter the next day by recorded delivery. There's nothing they can do about it. By law, they can't ask for more than one month's notice.

Stars, as I said, I've been thinking about why you're wobbling more at the moment.

Firstly, your H has been around for the last few days. He's been relatively good with the kids, and not at the pub every night. However, as you recognise, this just isn't good enough. He's also told you that he took the time off to 'fix' you - because he doesn't believe he has any problems - which means that any improvement in his behaviour is only very temporary.

Also, I guess it's all starting to feel real for you - that you can leave, and start a new and improved life for you and the children - and the nearness of you leaving can be scary. I'm sure other posters have more ideas on how you can get over this, but in your place I think I'd concentrate on the logistics of getting out, and worry about the emotions once I was in a safe place and could deal with them, if you see what I mean?

I've also been thinking over the last couple of days that you might be starting to grieve. In a way, what you'll be going through is a bereavement, because you've accepted that this marriage is dead. Every break-up is a loss of a loved-one, even if the loved-one never existed except in your hopes. You're now facing the end of these hopes (with great courage), and so it's only to be expected that you'll be starting to mourn what might have been. Only - it never was going to be. Not with this man. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, and having him around all the time, expecting things to carry on as they are forever, makes it even harder for you.

Does that make sense?

I thought about putting this in an email, but thought it might be more useful for you to get some more thoughts on this from MNers who've gone through the same.

It's not at all surprising that you're feeling wobbly about the whole thing, but maybe we can all help you find ways of dealing with this?

Anyway, only 2 more days till H is back to work, and you can enjoy the holidays properly. Stay strong - we're all with you

The wedding is Mid may.
That is the least of my worries really and if the children don't get to go as you say I am sure they will adapt.

The children are playing and he got up at 10.30 in a foul mood.
He came into the kitchen and started firing questions at me about DS's medication for his bowel problems.

"How many sactchets have you been giving him?"

"You need to keep on top of it"

"You have messed around with our sons health for 2 years"

In reference to his my DS has had toileting issues and I always maintained to the school,paediatrician etc that this was more than just DS being lazy.
they only recently did an x ray to find out he had a blockage.
So now H is blaming me for this.

He then picked up an open coke can which sat on the side from last night and crushed it hard againest the wall next to where I was standing and it went all over me.
I told him it had gone in my eyes and he just said nastyly

"It's only coke,go wash your eyes out,it's not the end of the world."

I was trying my hardest not to cry and told him he had splashed it all up the walls.

He just said it needs painting anyway ,or washed,neither of which you do.

He then just walked away.

Have come upstairs to calm down .

If you wait and go to the wedding, something else may have come up that you then feel equally guilty about. There will always be things to agonize over, are they worth staying for?

I know it's so hard to finally take such a dramatic seeming step, but if you don't feel you can love and be happy with him whatever he does now, his actions can only get worse.

Sorry, that's obviously imo, I don't know him. It's just that he must know you don't love him- you sleep separately for one, and he seems to resent you to the point of hatred the way he speaks to you. If he sees you are stronger and moving further away from him and his bullying, and don't need him anymore, then he is going to feel worse. Won't he take that out on you?
He will always want to blame someone else for his misfortunes, he won't think it is his abominable behavior that is to blame. He feels he has been dealt a poor deal and is seething with resentment at the world.

I know I am just basing this on my experience of a similar sounding man, and maybe others will correct me and have a better idea, but don't most bullying controlling people have the same drive?

I just worry for you that he will lash out one day.

Oh Stars - he's run out of good behaviour hasn't he? I notice this with my 5 year old - he seems to have a certain amount of manners and consideration, and then has to break out and be naughty. The difference is, he recognises when he's been naughty, and wants to be a good person overall. Your H on the other hand is an absolute arse, and not worth even one of your tears. I am now very for you. Let's get you out of there.

Stars

x posts

omg, he is horrid. How long before these almost attacks turn into actual physical harm?

This is just how it began for me, it's not much of a step for a "man" like that

stars, so sorry.

just focus on the next step of your freedom plan.

how soon do you think you can be out of there?

you absolutely do not have to inform him or ask his permission before you go.

As others have said, you write him a letter explaining that you have gone and why. Keep a copy for yourself.

Take care, the sooner you can take action the sooner you will start to feel better.

Can of coke this time, pan of boiling water next?
Slippery slope...

Just a couple of thigns - first, in response to Pirate - yes, there is definitely a bereavement process attached to this - even if you've already started grieving whilst in the home, it can start all over again when you're thinking about leaving.

Second - to Stars - I didn't add this before, but now you've mentioned the coke can... I was with my DB for 4 years before it became "physical". so just because it has always been emotional/verbal, doesn't mean it can't change, even after this long.

Many many months of eggshells, is it you, is it me? and then bam.

Why the physical makes us reel more than the emotional I don't know. The emotional shoudl be enough to move us on fast.

What an absolute wanker.

Thinking of you tonight x

What a wanker Stars - No respect at all.

Heres to hoping you are getting out of there soon.
xx