to think that what the baby books tell you is evil?

[lowrib]

I'm a new mum. While feeding my 3mo DS he sometimes stops feeding, looks me in the eye and grins with delight. We beam at each other for a few minutes before he goes back to feeding. It is the loveliest thing ever.

But according to some books I've read I'm not meant to make eye contact at night feeds at all . So if I paid any attention to them, we'd either not experience this magic moment, or maybe I'd feel like I'd done something wrong.

Some of the baby books really leave me cold.
Is it just me or is a lot of the advice in them designed get in the way of instinct and the mother - baby bond (and the father-baby bond too) rather than reinforcing or encouraging natural instincts which IMO are most likely there for a reason? It all seems to about working against your instincts as a mother.

Am I being unduly cynical or is it true that a load of damaging rubbish being peddled to women at a time when they could actually do with some decent advice and support?

Put the book in the bin!!!!

Good grief, what books are these?! I usually want to read up on things, but for some reason I never got onto the 'baby books', and now I'm glad I didn't. What utter prescriptive drivel - YANBU.

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Yes - throw the book away - enjoy every second, every look, every smile - It's said so often, but they really are not babies for long - enjoy it and do what feels right for you and your little one and sod the 'experts'!

Enjoy your night feeds. Yes, some baby books give a lot of rubbish advice. But it was looking for pregnancy books with ds1 that led me to Mumsnet.

I looked at books in Borders and chose those that appealed most to my own approach to doing things then ordered online. But I don't believe in parenting by rules.

You're completely right. I got given a whole load of books both before and after having DD. They made me so paranoid that DH put them in the recycling! I think that we should be lead by our instincts -and if advice is needed asking other parents is much more helpful.
The worst are the books with emphasis on developmental stages from birth - I know people who've almost lost the plot because their perfectly normal babies haven't followed these.
Pruners, that sound like a great book - will check it on Amazon.

"It is the loveliest thing ever" makes me well up. Enjoy! What I say is "Instinct, instinct, instinct" (as opposed to Location, location, location - see what I did there?!!)

I think the books should be used for support for what you're doing, not to dictate

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Don't worry about the so called "experts" advice. Just do your own thing with your child and trust your own instincts as to what's best. Many baby and child care books I've read just play on your mind and can make you feel guilty if you have done/do things differently to what they say.

At the end of the day all babies/children are unique. Just go by them as individuals.

I completely agree. The only book I ever got on with was Attachment parenting, and only because it said go along with your instincts.

I have always loved and looked after my little babies as felt right at that point in time.

It is lovely to hear your story and it does make me broody as well. Not that I wasn't already!

I agree on not totally relying on instinct but the thing is though Pruners, these books don't necessarily help unless you need them for medical reasons. Are any of the authors really "experts"? Saying that I don't trust HV's either....
I think I learnt pretty much everything from my midwife, who drummed it into me that having a baby required nothing but me, DH and my boobs for the first 6 months (bloody hard though). She was amazing, wish she would write a book.....

Try reading Jean Liedloff The Continuum Concept. Not a parenting book as such, and rather 70's far out, but a good read (while you're breastfeeding!), and makes you realise there are other ways of bringing up children.
I agree, go with how you feel, use the books for a bit of help if things feel wrong.
Aaaah, i loved those night cuddles

my smiley didn't work, try again!

My DD always had eye contact and cuddles with her night feeds. We also co-slept for the first 8 months. She's nearly two now and her favourite thing is to give us "snuggles" before bed - then she goes to sleep in her own bed and we don't normally hear a peep till the next morning. I think that the bond that was created early on has left her feeling secure and independent. That probably sounds smug and self satisfied, but its the one one thing I really feel strongly about.

I know to which book you are referring - step away!

Different babies have different needs and likes/dislikes, different mothers have different styles loves/hates, and different times have different approaches. So no book can ever be "right" and yet many "experts" like to present their way as the only way.

If you want to read books then you should read a range, and not all from the same era. Then you can make your own mind up as to what is useful and what is not. I was lucky enough to have very similar views/style to my mother which meant her first hand experience was very useful (but not for my sister who disagreed totally with my mum's approach). Also hanging out with other mums of similar aged babies helps, because it both normalises lots of stuff, and also because there is bound to be someone else who at that particular time is having a more difficult time than you with at least one aspect of parenting, and that's always very reassuring!

I've always maintained that the correct approach to parenting is the one that feels right to you and works with your lifestyle/needs etc. We've always found that as long as we roll with the punches and let DD be our guide, everything goes (relatively) smoothly. The second I start trying to introduce rules and regs, it all goes wrong - like trying to get her to sleep all night without her swaddling, "because she's seven months old and the book says she should have grown out of it by now". Or trying to reduce her milk intake "because the guidelines say she should be down to three feeds a day now". In the face of repeated night wakings and hungry screaming DH tends to gently but firmly insist that I give her what she obviously needs, rather than what the "experts" say she OUGHT to need. That said, I'd have loved to co-sleep but she was so restless that DH couldn't sleep a wink while she was in the room. Now she's not overly fond of cuddling and when she's awake and lively would far rather have a bottle that she can feed herself with than be squidged up to mama. Don't know if the two are connected or if she's just very independent and non-clingy.

If you want a laugh read this thread which includes (almost completely) genuine quotes from assorted parenting/baby books down the years.

Agree that many of the baby books do more harm than good. I threw The Baby Whisperer across the room when it told me I was making a rod for my own back by exclusively breastfeeding. I should have thrown it in the bin instead.

What particularly annoys me is all the books that talk about 'getting your life back', as if that is the main aim. You have this tiny, dependent newborn in your arms, and yet it's all supposed to be about 'you'. Surely most of us realise that you never get your old life back, but a different, lovelier version of it. (I particularly liked Libby Purves' 'How Not to be a Perfect Mother' on this)

Of course, listening to your instinct is important, but not everyone is as sure of their instinct. I was quite young when DD was born, knew noone else with a baby or child and the last time I'd even held a baby was when my cousin had been born, 12 years before! Most of the books I liked in the end did just tell you to take it in your stride and do what feels right, but I was still glad to have these 'experts' there to fall back on when I was exhausted and looking for advice.

Baby books are all the work of the devil.

I remember saying that I had read loads of books and new exaclty what I should be doing, so why is it all so hard?! To which my fried answered "Well, DS hasn't read those books has he?"

Having said that, some books have a few helpful tips in. I like Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green, and the Mumsnet guide to Toddlers obv. You just have to take the bits you agree with, adapt it meet your child's needs.

I can't remember who said this to me, think it was mw at antenatal classes. She said books and advice were all well and good but every baby is unique and since no one has ever met or brought up your baby before, how can they tell you what to do with him?

What do people mean by making a rod for your own back anyway? A stupid phrase if ever I heard one.

I agree with Pruni that Dream Babies is wonderful. It innoculates you against the bullshit in the modern parenting books.
Another one that helps is A World of Babies which is a collection of childcare guides as they would be written for a range of different cultures around the world.