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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that what the baby books tell you is evil?

157 replies

lowrib · 04/04/2009 01:02

I'm a new mum. While feeding my 3mo DS he sometimes stops feeding, looks me in the eye and grins with delight. We beam at each other for a few minutes before he goes back to feeding. It is the loveliest thing ever.

But according to some books I've read I'm not meant to make eye contact at night feeds at all . So if I paid any attention to them, we'd either not experience this magic moment, or maybe I'd feel like I'd done something wrong.

Some of the baby books really leave me cold.
Is it just me or is a lot of the advice in them designed get in the way of instinct and the mother - baby bond (and the father-baby bond too) rather than reinforcing or encouraging natural instincts which IMO are most likely there for a reason? It all seems to about working against your instincts as a mother.

Am I being unduly cynical or is it true that a load of damaging rubbish being peddled to women at a time when they could actually do with some decent advice and support?

OP posts:
moondog · 04/04/2009 17:21

Pruners has put it very well.
Remember also that babies are an industry. Pre and PostNatal women are vulnerable as never before and an easy target for the purveyors of crap, whether pram books, 'special' baby food processors, disposable changing mats, mobiles, nappy bins, manulas and all the other junk there is out there.

Gorionine · 04/04/2009 17:25

Supposidly because it will be too much interraction with your child who will take more time to go back to sleep!

What I meant WRT instinct was it does not matter if 20 people tell you to do something thast woked for them it still might not be what will work for you and your child, if it feels wrong to you.

With DD1, most of my friends were going on and on about the fact that I should let her cry herself to sleep. I could never do it to her and I have not done it either to her 3 siblings. I probably did not make my life any easier at the time but the idea of my children crying themseves to sleep just makes my skin crawl!

pamelat · 04/04/2009 20:24

You see, for 5 months I followed my "instincts" and a little bit of pressure to feed (breast) on demand.

It works for a lot of people. It did not work for me.

I have found some books (as long as you do not take them too literally) to be useful, maybe my "instincts" were not good enough.

For me, being told when my baby "should" sleep was helpful (sorry all) but I felt that the books knew best and my DD was a lot happier once she was on a routine at about 6 months, but maybe this just coincided with her age/weaning etc.

I think it depends on your child. My DD is high spirited (according to baby whisperer) and I found she needed "pushing/pointing" in the right direction, for both our sakes.

ThumbelinaTrumple · 04/04/2009 20:50

Do whatever makes you happy!

kalo12 · 04/04/2009 20:52

i have 'the baby book. by sears and sears. its fab.

TheCrackFox · 04/04/2009 20:53

Now, I think you are all a bit mean. Baby books do have their uses, especially in the summer. If you have run out of charcoal for the Barbeque you can always toss a couple of manuals on.

jumpjockey · 04/04/2009 21:00

The best book I've got is not about baby care in the formal sense but about mothering - what mothers do which doesn't have any ideas or suggestions about what you "should" be doing. In fact it says that it's very easy to get bogged down in too many books and too much detail, and that lots of mothers feel a bit rubbish about themselves because their babies don't match up to the books. Basically it says that as long as you're spending time with your baby and loving them, that's all that relly counts in the long run.

Not exactly practical advice, but absolutely fantastic as a source of moral support in the dark hours. I've read it so many times, it's brilliant.

PussinJimmyChoos · 04/04/2009 21:08

I remember being stood over DS in his moses basket and in tears because he wasn't following EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your time) routine...he liked to eat, sleep then have have his activity....my mum pointed at DS and said 'he hasn't read the book you know'...

Best thing I ever did was stop reading the books and follow my instinct. Even now when DS is nearly three, when I feel in doubt sometimes, I pause and think what is my instinct telling me - and go with that - works far better imo

KingRoloEgg · 04/04/2009 21:41

Yep, baby books are evil and no doubt. They are not written (in most cases) to make us or our babies happy but to make money for the authors and publishers.

The only baby book I enjoyed was 'Making Babies' by Anne Enright which isn't a manual and doesn't offer any advice, it's just a series of musings on the first couple of years with a baby and is very, very good!

iamaLeafontheWind · 04/04/2009 22:01

Which book says about 'never ever allow your baby to fall asleep on your chest'? I stopped reading at that point for the sake a DDs future psychiatrist's bill.

TheCrackFox · 04/04/2009 22:07

I have read that somewhere iamaLeafontheWind and I remember thinking "but why would you want to miss out on one of the loveliest things on the planet?". It must have been in "she who must not be named" hence one of the many reasons it ended up in the bin.

DrowningInChocolateEggs · 04/04/2009 22:08

I was a bit of a book junkie while I was pregnant and did read most of them (except Gina Ford as I'd heard she told you when you should eat and exactly how many slices of toast).

I found it really helpful knowing that they all contradicted each other completely, made it obvious that none of them actually had infallible advice (otherwise the others would never sell). Almost all of them do have some things which can be useful but I would never try to follow everything in any of them. Don't let any of them undermine you as a parent but if something from them works for you, do it.

I've met a lot of people at baby groups who, for example, weaned at 3 months because their 'instinct' told them their baby needed more than just milk . In that sense instincts aren't always right and you can't beat proper information.

The joy of something like mumsnet is that you normally hear the arguements for and against any action without having to plough through a whole book. Oh, and mumsnetters are (almost always) right

KingRoloEgg · 04/04/2009 22:14

"Have some cereal, toast and a drink before 8am"

And I wanted scrambled egg!

Shambolic · 04/04/2009 22:24

Minx been following this a bit and there is a reason for the crazy routine books. I was given a certain baby book by my work colleagues before i went off. I think if you were planning on going back to work full time, and back in the day when mat leave was 6 months, there was a compelling reason for getting small babies sleeping through, into a routine etc.

Personally I read the first "get baby up no later than 6.45am" or whatever ridiculous thing it was, and put that particular tome away in the bin bookcase permanently.

chegirl · 04/04/2009 22:26

I bought a book when I was pg with DD. I read it from cover to cover and drank in the wisdom contained therein.

The book was by Paula Yates FFS!

Bin the book and keep smiling at your LO.

iamaLeafontheWind · 04/04/2009 22:29

Shambolic that was another reason that book went in the bin - I was on maternity leave fgs, why would i get up early unless absolutely essential?

Shambolic · 04/04/2009 22:35

ROFL that was what I though too leaf...

On mat leave obviously I would be lying in til at least 11 every day.

DD had other ideas.

But f*ck me just the idea that you would set your alarm for 6.30 with a newborn who's up BF 5 times a night - what kind of a loon would do that? Well apart from the career girls at my work obviously

elkiedee · 04/04/2009 22:52

chegirl, did Paula Yates advise on choosing names for your baby? Didn't know she'd written a manual.

Eve4Walle · 05/04/2009 08:50

One baby book in particular is evil. It made my PND so much worse, I felt I was an awful mother, and because my baby wasn't like the ones described in said book, and wouldn't conform, I went to pieces and got totally obsessed with it.

My Mum ended up removing it from me and disposing of it. Was the best thing she ever did for me.

Pruners · 05/04/2009 09:31

Message withdrawn

Shambolic · 05/04/2009 10:58

I did what I think and hope most people do - read a selection and combined their ideas with my own. I'd never even held a baby before and my mum was claiming memory loss (how was BF for you mum? Um I can't remember) so needed some help.

I had GF from work, baby whisperer as lent by a friend and bought what to expect on recommendation.

Personally I like the what to expect books as they give a brief thing about various methods/ideas rather than trotting out a "regime".

The most useful thing of all was that I had very very low expectations of the whole thing. My friends had told me that BF hurt like hell and regaled me with tales of mastitis, cracked nipples etc and I had the idea from somewhere (TV?) that babies kept you awake all night every night crying until they were at least 1!

I thought I would be in constant pain and tears for the first 6 weeks and then have literally no sleep at all after that.

In the end when all DD had was colic and BF was fine I thought "well this is a breeze" and felt really happy with everything!

Maybe I should write a book "Low Expectations of Motherhood for a Happy Life"!

standanddeliver · 05/04/2009 11:27

Pruners, I haven't read 'Dream Babies' but I've read quite a few reviews of it - sounds interesting. My only quibble would be that its approach assumes that that all parenting advice is non-evidence based and is shaped only by fad and fashion. I'm wondering what the author's thoughts are on the very large (and growing) body of research done by neuroscientists in the past 15 years which seems to support the view that children's development and mental health are best supported by very responsive parenting practices in infancy.............

My personal bete noire in childcare manuals is "The Baby Whisperer". I absolutely despise the way Tracy Hogg positions herself as the 'moderate' voice in the bf vs ff debate, while simultaneously rubbishing breastfeeding and dishing out inconsistent and damaging advice on the subject.

standanddeliver · 05/04/2009 11:29

Wanted to add - I am also a fan of Penelope Leach. I found her 'Your Baby and Child' hugely helpful and reassuring, not as parenting manual, but as a reference guide.

standanddeliver · 05/04/2009 11:33

Sorry - also wanted to say that "What Mothers Do" is a brilliant book. I found myself in tears reading it at times...... It's the only book I've read that truly acknowledges and values what it is that we do every day for and with our children, the normal day to day care and love we give them that goes unseen and unappreciated by everyone else.......

HortonHatchesTheChocolateEgg · 05/04/2009 11:34

Dream Babies is great. Really really fascinating.

I'm also a Penelope Leach fan. It does seem that a lot of her book boils down to 'you know your baby best' which suited me down to the ground!

And another vote for What Mothers Do which is an enormously comforting read in those early days/weeks when lots of us feel like we might actually be going insane (even the ones who are managing relatively well quite often feel like this, it seems).