to think that what the baby books tell you is evil?

[lowrib]

I'm a new mum. While feeding my 3mo DS he sometimes stops feeding, looks me in the eye and grins with delight. We beam at each other for a few minutes before he goes back to feeding. It is the loveliest thing ever.

But according to some books I've read I'm not meant to make eye contact at night feeds at all . So if I paid any attention to them, we'd either not experience this magic moment, or maybe I'd feel like I'd done something wrong.

Some of the baby books really leave me cold.
Is it just me or is a lot of the advice in them designed get in the way of instinct and the mother - baby bond (and the father-baby bond too) rather than reinforcing or encouraging natural instincts which IMO are most likely there for a reason? It all seems to about working against your instincts as a mother.

Am I being unduly cynical or is it true that a load of damaging rubbish being peddled to women at a time when they could actually do with some decent advice and support?

I agree with TheHedgewitch, as a personality that likes reading manuals and knowing what is suppose to be happening I found the not knowing what to do with a baby terrifying. I even found bits of the unmentionable women helpful. You just have to have the courage to pick the bits that apply to you and ignore the rest.

Oh yes, bin them.

My personal bete noir is the 'Baby Whisperer' and her stupid 'EASY' routine.

I wasted the first 4 weeks with ds trying to follow the gormless advice in this book, agonising over which of the 4 'types' of baby he was.

Message withdrawn

I'm glad I'm not the only one!

It's good to hear some alternative book recommendation. I loved reading up during pregnancy (the Rough Guide to Pregnancy and Birth was my favourite - lots of down to earth practical advice, but also really funny) but I've been disappointed at what's on offer now my baby's born.

Pruners "Routine: cultural and sprang out of behaviourism" that's interesting, I hadn't thought about what's behind this obsession with routine, I'm off to look up that book. Interesting point also about how much of instinct might be cultural rather than innate (lots I imagine).

But ... there are certain things which have got to be instinct, surely, such as feeding, cuddling, comforting and showing love towards your baby? It's these things which I'm surprised the books seem to actively discourage, and I find that quite disturbing actually. I resent self-appointed experts telling me not to show love or comfort to my child, and I worry about some of my mum friends who I see trying to follow these things but actually getting really stressed as a result.

Laugs "What particularly annoys me is all the books that talk about 'getting your life back', as if that is the main aim. You have this tiny, dependent newborn in your arms, and yet it's all supposed to be about 'you'. Surely most of us realise that you never get your old life back, but a different, lovelier version of it." exactly! If you want everything to be the same, why bother having kids?

brightongirldownunder that doesn't sound smug at all, it sounds lovely .

Being a new mum myself, with the flaw trait of reading everything I can get my hands on about what ever interests me at the time; I have made the mistake of getting loads of parenting books.... jeez what a confidence bashing
Have since binned them all except one babies by Dr christopher green as it basically says familys and kids are different, what works for some won't work for others... if your happy with xyz stick with it.
I am now enjoying time with DD and much more confident. Yep some books are evil

Pruners that sounds like a wonderful book

I Disagree, I think baby books can be very useful, it depends on how you (the mother) use them. I read them all, discarded the ones I didn't like - and kept the bits that I liked. I ended up mostly bits from the Baby Whisperer and found that to be a gem (although I too disregarded the bits about breastfeeding!) But I also found that they gave me confidence, and I found the tips about dreamfeeding and sleeping great advice and used that to get decent nights sleep from 6 weeks and 8 weeks respectively. I do believe the books helped me to achieve that and for that reason - I wouldn't say that they're evil. Some people do find them incredibly useful - I did!

That said, I do think they should all come with a very large disclaimer on the front saying that they are not infallible and that what works for one person may not work for another - it is all personal, just because you do not get with things does not make you a failure. Some people find the advice very useful, other people do not - that's what makes the world go round!

I also agree that raising a child instinctively is not really instinct, but cultural - which is why it is so bloody hard to do!

Can I be a lone voice in the wilderness and say I that loved baby books, including a certain unmentionable one. I really didn't have any instinct when I had ds and until I got a big pile of books when he was 4 weeks old to tell me what to do I was in a right state. I had had an em cs, was expressing as he wouldn't latch on and had no help.

I wouldn't recommend bothering with the books though unless you are desperate (like I was!). I'm sure they do stress out a lot of parents who can manage on their own.

I am in awe of people who manage to do it on instinct without losing the plot.

yabvu

I had no idea about what to do with a baby and without some form of manual I'd have been lost

Hooray for baby manuals the more bossy the better I say

STOP LOOKING AT YOUR BABY

I hate the way that parental manuals make parents try to feel guilty for showing their own children love! Surely that is the fundamental of parenting- love will not spoil them.

imo,bin the books.do what you know and feel is right.dont think books are damaging though.horses for courses my friend was a gina devotee and for her it was the right thing

Ronaldinhio

I would put them all in the bin. I am very cynical, but I would like to see the DCs and the home life of some of the 'experts'. Experience tells me that they don't always produce a happy, self confident, sociable child.

Pruners "The problem with books on parenting isn't so much the actual advice or routine or whatever. It's more insidious than that. It's the climate of doubt they create and how they replace it with some sort of perfection nirvana which is of course unattainable. And the more self-doubt they encourage, the more parents reach for another book to try to measure up."

That's exactly it.

Ronaldinhio LOL at "STOP LOOKING AT YOUR BABY" (you are joking, right?!)

Ive never bough or read any baby books not because I think I know it all but because I realise all babies are different. In the early days there would be Mums from my other mums board worried as their baby didnt follow THAT womans guidlines and others who were convinced they knew it all and had it sussed and by default you wernt, as their baby fell easy into the 4 hourly feed/sleep perfect baby syndrome

I dont think any book in the world could of helped with a vey Refluxy, in pain constantly not sleeping baby. But there were those that intimated ..if only you followed the book like me you too would have a baby that slept

My now three year old still b/f's before bed, falling asleep next to me. I love to watch him and usually just chill and always think thta this kind of moment wont be there forever so enjoy it. He happily goes off to his own bed and sleeps well, but it would seem I have broken every rule in the book

Being a bookworm, I bought half a dozen baby books and sat down and read them. They were completely contradictory. Even on matters of scientific fact.

So I gave up reading baby books. They are bad for babies IMO.

I agree with oldraver-they are all different, what suits one doesn't suit another. People get frightened to go with their own instinct-they also get a theory and follow it with evangelical zeal, as if it is the answer to all parents and all children.

I have noticed that the most prescriptive ones all seem to be written by people without children!

So I think they are intending to be helpful, like how you can see some difficulty from the outside and can see a perfectly logical way to solve this (lack of sleep or whatever) - the problem is that when you are on the inside of that relationship there are all these little magical things that nobody ever talks about, because they are private moments or they think they will be seen as soppy, or they just don't think non-parents will be interested, or something. So the "expert" looking from the outside has only half the story.

In fairness to the what to expect book, I liked the way they give loads of different approaches to sleeping depending on what you feel like.

I got Gina Ford out of the library and was horrified, but could nevertheless see that some people might find it reassuring to be told what to do every five minutes.

Otherwise, yup, do what you think best. Parents have been bringing up babies for a while now and I think a lot of them are quite good at it. Also the really bad ones are unlikely to want to read books about it!

Hedgewitch, if you were a Baby Whisperer fan, could you explain how you managed to get into your baby's cot with him/her? Because I never managed it.

I'd bin them, there's a reason we have natural instincts and every baby has a different temperament ( and not the 4 types in the baby whisperer!). And NEWS FLASH, the sole and only point of having a baby isn't just about getting them to "sleep through" at the earliest possible opportunity. Yes it's great if they do do it early, but I strongly feel other bits of a babys development in those early months often get neglected by this obsession about sleeping through at all costs.

What intrigues me about the manuals is IME they're mainly used by highly educated professional women who i would have thought had questionning minds and would be able to see how the whole concept of a "baby manual" dubious. Is it because these women like to have everything perfect and for their perfect lives to be disrupted as little as possible? GF is one that definitely appeals to those with control freak tendencies IMO and another news flash a baby hardly ever crying and being totally compliant does not neccessarily equate to a happy baby, or one who's fledgling emotions are being contained and validated.

Sorry, rant over just a bit of a bug bear of mine.

When I read your OP I was going to link you on the same thread georgimama did! You will find out soon enough that even if what some books are saying sounds really good sometimes, trying to achieve it is not always that good. The only advice I was given I actually followed (not fronm a book but from my dear aunt) "do not do with your babies/DCs ANYTHING you are not comfortable with or goes against your instincts!"

Babies do not stay small forever and you want to ENJOY every moment not follow silly advice!

hmmm - am lol at all this natural instinct baloney......why so many posters on MN for example with problmes with sleeping/ feeding and looking for advice? Some/ many of us have no natural instincts and babycare is a very alien thing.

what book says to avoid eye contact at night time feeds????