to think that what the baby books tell you is evil?

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I'm a new mum. While feeding my 3mo DS he sometimes stops feeding, looks me in the eye and grins with delight. We beam at each other for a few minutes before he goes back to feeding. It is the loveliest thing ever.

But according to some books I've read I'm not meant to make eye contact at night feeds at all . So if I paid any attention to them, we'd either not experience this magic moment, or maybe I'd feel like I'd done something wrong.

Some of the baby books really leave me cold.
Is it just me or is a lot of the advice in them designed get in the way of instinct and the mother - baby bond (and the father-baby bond too) rather than reinforcing or encouraging natural instincts which IMO are most likely there for a reason? It all seems to about working against your instincts as a mother.

Am I being unduly cynical or is it true that a load of damaging rubbish being peddled to women at a time when they could actually do with some decent advice and support?

Did anyone try "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and find it NON-evil? We had some issues with colic constant evening crying when DD was about 2 months old and the swaddling/stomach/swinging/shushing/sucking thing worked like magic. I also loved the "How Not To Be A Perfect Mother" book which made me laugh my socks off.

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The celebby/guru-who-must-be-obeyed books are pants, just designed to make mothers feel like crap and prop up the guru industry.

But I do have one book, called How Babies Think, by some psychologists who confess cheerfully to all their own mistakes. Written in a very friendly 'we are all in this together' style but full of interesting research into child development.

What Mothers Do sounds interesting, too, must look out for that one.

(I read TCLBB when pregnant and laughed my socks off - luckily I had actually met a couple of babies before and was also quite confident in my ability to judge when I felt hungry, whether I'd like toast or something else, and how much!)

You can buy a baby book to tell you whatever you want to hear, whether you're a strict adherent to rules, a lentil weaver or somewhere in between. So if you've got a baby book that tells you something that jars, give it to the charity shop and look for one that's more in harmony with how you feel (or go with your instincts and don't give the baby manual industry any more money!)

I have some of the Sears baby books, but we also have about the place the No Cry Sleep Solution, The Baby Whisperer thing and even the Book That Shall Not Be Named (latter two bought 2nd hand in order to see what all the furore was about, and have been duly hurled across the room). I consult none of them and haven't since DS was about 4 m old. We just go with what presents itself and bugger the books!

No, YANBU! Books that promise contentment () should be burned. 3 in a bed by Deborah Jackson and attachment parenting by Katie Granju are the only books you need.

Baby Calming by Caroline Deacon anyone?

Love this book too. Very non-preachy and non-directive.

I'm reading Toddler Taming and I like the author's tone, he admits to getting it wrong sometimes when his children were babies. CLBB had me in tears when DD was a newborn, I thought I was doomed never to have a decent night's sleep again. I loved The Baby Book's tone as it seemed more of a reference and didn't make me feel crap.

Just remembered another hideous book by Rachel Waddilove - it got recycled promptly.

Another vote for What Mothers Do. I wept with gratitude and recognition. The author had thought to write down what mothers actually say and feel but without telling me what I had to do. It is the only book on parenting which made me feel like I was doing an OK/good enough job. The rest left me feeling inadequate - stooooopid stoooopid EASY routine.

at Christopher Green - he has some dodgy ideas about ropes and shutting toddlers in rooms. Plus he thinks it is a reasonable argument that you wouldn't expect your partner to get up in the night to make you a drink so why should you get up to get a drink for a baby .....errr, cos I can get out of my bed, it's not a cot, open the babygate and go downstairs to put the kettle on if I want. How many babies/toddlers can do that FFS!

I've disregarded all baby books since reading Dream Babies which Pruners mentions. Parental advice goes back a long, long way and the book makes you realise that much of it was based on the fashions, fads and cultural needs of the day. Eg weaning from birth, wet nurses in Victorian times, leaving babies outside constantly at the beginning of last century - things that seem laughable now. Maybe some of the recent methodologies will seem laughable in the future. Some stuff in it isn't for the faint hearted though, people could be MEAN to their children in those days. However you're bringing up your child now and if you think you're making a mess of it, be safe in the knowledge that on the whole children today are brought up with more love and respect than they used to. I've always found friends' ideas better thank books.

Dr Sears books are supposed to be excellent, has anybody read them ?

I loved the Best friends guide books when expecting my first baby, now I would disagree with 80% of what's written in it.

needtomoveon - haven't got to that bit yet! Which goes to show, no child care book should be read uncritically.

YANBU Many of these books are obsessed with independence, dependence is a dirty word in our selfish consumer society.

I often wonder what our poor ancestors did to bring up children before books were widely available, let alone TV/internet...hmmm.

I have 6m old DD and spent first 4-6 weeks stressing that she was not a textbook baby and was i doing this/that/the other right (all in the name of making her feel as loved and secure as possible, it has to be said). Then one day I threw all the books out except one medical reference for illnesses etc and relied on DD!
She hasn't read any of the books and has no pre-conceived ideas about what she or I should be doing, and time and time again if i trust her to know what she wants, we don't go far wrong.

IMO, trust yourself and your instincts and learn to 'listen' to your baby. you won't go far wrong. Your eye contact while bf sounds wonderful and, as many people will say, your DS will not be a baby long and he won't be doing this for ever so as long as you and he enjoy it, do it.

To be fair to books, they are useful to give you ideas of what you might try to see if they suit your baby, especially if you're sleep deprived and can't think straight, but as I've been blessed with a very good sleeper from day one, I find they just stress me out and make me worry.

Too be fair I know a lot of the things my parents did were downright dangerous so maybe there is some value in factual books, but they should be factual not opinion based.

My Dsis is due her 1st baby in the summer. I thought about passing on my copies of BW, CLBB and What to Expect... then I remembered the anxiety provoked by DD not being able to pick up a bloody raisin at x mnths, the guilt and worry about setting up bad habits by feeding and rocking to sleep etc etc and I slung them all in the bin instead.

My main gripe is that all these books are so down on breastfeeding whilst pretending not to be. If you read them you will believe all kinds of rubbish- every single one relates tales of how babies can be made to sleep through with a simple addition of a bottle at night, feeding 'too often' is given as a cause of colic, never any mention of cluster feeding which is normal and the idea of continuing past one year well that's clearly just your own selfishness and is deeply wrong!

I agree Sorrento - there's a real need for some facts to counteract all the millions of unfounded opinions out there.

eg there's interesting research coming out about crying and stress which in future could help us to work out how quickly we need to deal with a crying baby - which is a very important practical issue, especially if you have more than one child.

Having some facts would be far better than the current situation where there are endless arguments about sleep training on MN and the main reason they're endless is that they're pretty much fact-free.

But it's tricky when so many baby gurus believe they're telling you objective facts, when (as Pruners points out) all they're really doing is giving you their culturally biased opinion.

eg there's interesting research coming out about crying and stress which in future could help us to work out how quickly we need to deal with a crying baby - which is a very important practical issue, especially if you have more than one child.

I hope that is what I think it is, I for one would be so relieved, I've spent 5 years banging on about a certain method I don't agree with and would be delighted if there's some evidence to back up my opinion/instincts.

What's interesting though, is that in the rare areas where there is objective research, almost always it very strongly supports the lentil-weavery end of the spectrum. eg the very strong evidence for exclusive breastfeeding.

I was never very much of a lentil weaver until I had children and started reading the science/child development reasearch.

Now, 3 children later, it's a minor miracle that I'm still shaving my legs.

I bet you haven't done your pits in a while though

Yes, if the research continues to get results in line with the early indications (it's still early days), there'll be far fewer controlled crying bunfights on MN.

Yesterday!

And that can only be a good thing for Mums and Babies the world over

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