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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my neighbour?

145 replies

anonupset · 02/04/2009 20:00

Earlier on there was banging on the front door. I went to answer it and a woman from across the road is stood there looking livid. She said "Could you have a word with your son and tell him to keep out of my garden, I'm sick of it, look what he's done to my tree". I looked across and one of her conifer trees is bent right over, turns out he'd been swinging in it.

I had NO IDEA that he was doing this but she seemed to blame me fully. I apologised and said I would punish him but as I have two sons of similar ages which play out, could she tell me which one it was.

She snapped "I don't know their names! the darker one, the one that looks like a rat"

A lump came in my throat as she said it and I felt my eyes water. I know I'm such a wimp and she was livid and probably didn't mean it but it has really upset me I understand why she was angry but AIBU to think this was uncalled for?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 03/04/2009 20:28

But why not see what the OP does about it before reacting like that?

Sheeta · 03/04/2009 20:37

'looks like a rat' would just invoke massive defensive impulses in me. Cheeky bloody bitch.

You baiting me Orm?

OrmIrian · 03/04/2009 20:38

??

pointydog · 03/04/2009 20:39

baiting you like a rat

OrmIrian · 03/04/2009 20:44

I like rats. I have 3 as pets. I wouldn't bait them I would feed them.

janeite · 03/04/2009 20:54

I used to have pet rats. I love rats!

dweller · 03/04/2009 20:58

It's actual criminal damage to your property, added to trespass. YOU get into trouble if she calls the law, then she can laugh at you.

AitchTwoOh · 03/04/2009 21:12

i'm horrified by the aggression on this thread. the OP's child was swinging on the neighbour's tree and laughed when she told him off. the OP is taking huge offence at the fact that she mentioned when asked to describe him that he was the one who looks like a rat. big fat hairy deal. grow UP everyone who says that's out of order. Who's your spiritual advisor - Jeremy Kyle??!

RaspberryBlower · 04/04/2009 07:58

I would love to be thick skinned enough that someone saying my child looked like a rat wouldn't upset me at all.

Maybe if I post more on MN I will become inured to this sort of thing?

Being (understandably) furious doesn't justify subsequent aggressive and rude behaviour.

This holds true both for the neighbour in question and for people on here saying they would swing for her.

The OP says she agreed to punish the child, and also that she understands why the woman is livid and that she probably doesn't mean what she said. She isn't asking 'aibu to think that it is ok for my child to behave like a hoodlum?'

She is really only expressing that her maternal instincts kicked in and she felt protective and hurt for her child. What is so wrong with this?

magentadreamer · 04/04/2009 09:16

No it wasn't a nice thing to have said but the woman was angry, had had an 11 yr old vandal damage her property and then laugh in her face when he was told off so unfortunately I can where she's coming from and looks like a rat is rather polite as the adjectives I'd have thought but not said would have been far worse. I'd be more worried about my child being a mindless vandal then getting upset because the neighbours called her a rat. I'd also be mortified that this wasn't a one off boys being silly incident as the op gives the impression she's had dealings with him before.

magentadreamer · 04/04/2009 09:17

Opps should have said the neighbour has had dealings with him before.

bruxeur · 04/04/2009 09:34

To reinvoke an age-old t'internet meme - this thread is useless without pics.

Personally - YABU. Ratty or not, the problem here is your son's behaviour, and your lack of concern about it.

He's going to get called a lot worse than that in a juvenile detention centre, duderino.

Also - how would you describe him? Objectively?

welshdeb · 04/04/2009 09:56

Well for those who say the op should have assaulted her perhaps the op and the son of them would enjoy next door cells when the innocent party in this (the neighbour) understandably calls the police.
Teach your child respect for other people and their property and get your priorities right.

Limara · 04/04/2009 10:11

OrmIrian on Fri 03-Apr-09 20:19:26 - I totally agree with OrmIrian. We need to behave like adults in order to set a good example to our children. Lets remember the op's son is 11years old and is still a child. If I were the tree woman, I would have gone over and explained about her sons behaviour and try and get the op on my side for maximum effect in order to show how reasonable I was. This would have highlighted at how bad her sons behaviour was. Does this make sense?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 04/04/2009 11:25

see, i am not sure how a child gets to teh age of 11 without knowing on some level that trespassing, destroying property and laughing at teh person on whose land you are trespassing and damaging is absolutely indefensible and wrong.

10 is the age of criminal responsibility , isn't it?

i think being more annoyed at the insult towards her son than with his behaviour has things the wrong way round

OrmIrian · 04/04/2009 11:25

When I was pregnant with my first baby I reversed my car into a parked car. Not much damage but enough to need attention. I was upset (as you would be) but the owner who had see what happened from his window came out swearing and shouting at me. Without waiting to see what I would say and do. It was awful and left me very shaken. Of course it was sorted out and there was no need for his aggression. I see the tree woman as the same as that bloke.

hercules1 · 04/04/2009 11:33

If I'd have been you I'd have hardly notice the rat comment as I would be so cross at my child for having behaved in that way. You seem to be missing the point of what happened some what and getting het up about the wrong thing.
Please dont let your child out unless you know he can behave himself which obviously he cant. We had kids like yours making our lives miserable a few years ago and they just laughed at us. GOd knows where the parents were.

LIZS · 04/04/2009 11:47

I suspect the neighbour was , understandably, pushed to the edge with exasperation at the op's ds' insolence and repeated trespassing. She had probably rehearsed the opening but not the resposne to your question of identification and regretted it afterwards. You didn't really need to ask though, surely a simple converstaion with your dc would have clarified the culprit.

At 11 you should know where your kids are playing , who with and especially if you have one younger too. I understand why you have taken this personally and are upset but the primary issue lies with your child. If he is made to apologise it is likely she will in return but if not then you cna be satsified that you have taken the moral high ground.

Mumcentreplus · 04/04/2009 11:50

hahaha.....I'm sorry but looks like a rat?..thats very rude indeed ...what a cow...although rats are cute well some rats...tell your son what he did was wrong and criminal perhaps an apology is needed on both sides.

I would march him over to give a formal apology and mention the rat comment is unacceptable too!

MrsWeasley · 04/04/2009 11:53

Quite frankly if your 11 year old was doing things like that I:
1)admire her for telling you and
2)only calling him a rat. I can think of a lot more names she could have used.

Was it really up to her to tell you which child it was, surely you should have found that out for yourself?

If the house is only across the road how come you have never seen your child doing this vandalism.

The state of her garden has nothing to do with it TBH. If a car has a dent in it does that mean it would be acceptable for kids to kick more in it OR if a window was broken does it mean they can smash more?

My front garden is a mess, it has low level weeds and often covered in wrappers. These are either dropped by the local school children or they blow along the road and get caught in my garden as the neighbour has a fence preventing them going any further. Does that mean everyone can throw their rubbish on to it??

MrsWeasley · 04/04/2009 11:54

Perhaps as part of DS's punishment he could offer to clear her garden if she would allow him too.

Mumcentreplus · 04/04/2009 11:57

very good idea Mrs W...(she could have called him a weasle or ferret ..way worse)[grins]

SugarBird · 04/04/2009 12:00

Although I agree that the rat comment was mean, I would be far, far more concerned with the mortifying fact that my child had trespassed on someone else's property (irrelevant that it's messy - it's her perogative to have a messy garden if she chooses), vandalised her tree and then laughed at her when he was told off.

I would be absolutely fuming with my child. And if I'd been the neighbour I would be furious that you'd let your kids loose on the neighbourhood (the 'which child?' question might have provoked an unintended outburst from many people) without knowing what they were up to.

Fwiw, I doubt that she actually meant your boy looks like a rat - she was just furious. And with good reason.

Orm - I don't think that the situations are the same. You accidentally hit a neighbour's car; the OP's child deliberately went into a neighbour's garden and caused damage. I would have been upset by your neighbour's response, too.

SoupDreggon · 04/04/2009 12:01

The OP asked the woman which child it was and she described him. NB, she said he resembled a rat, not that he was a rat and the OP did ask her to describe him.

TBH, if I had 2 children, each of whom were equally likely to have been trespassing and causing criminal damage, the fact that one of them was described as resembling a rat would be the least of my worries.

Interesting that the OP hasn't been seen since Thursday though.

SoupDreggon · 04/04/2009 12:03

Someone coming up to you aggressively shouting and swearing is hardly the same as snapping, in response to a really dumb question, that the vandal was the one which looked like a rat.