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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my neighbour?

145 replies

anonupset · 02/04/2009 20:00

Earlier on there was banging on the front door. I went to answer it and a woman from across the road is stood there looking livid. She said "Could you have a word with your son and tell him to keep out of my garden, I'm sick of it, look what he's done to my tree". I looked across and one of her conifer trees is bent right over, turns out he'd been swinging in it.

I had NO IDEA that he was doing this but she seemed to blame me fully. I apologised and said I would punish him but as I have two sons of similar ages which play out, could she tell me which one it was.

She snapped "I don't know their names! the darker one, the one that looks like a rat"

A lump came in my throat as she said it and I felt my eyes water. I know I'm such a wimp and she was livid and probably didn't mean it but it has really upset me I understand why she was angry but AIBU to think this was uncalled for?

OP posts:
pavlovthepregnantcat · 03/04/2009 16:10

Her anger at her trees being swung on would be balanced out by my fury at her insulting my son.

I perhaps would not hit him, but would perhaps tell her politely that there were not rats in my family, she must be mistaken and shut the door in her face.

Rude cow.

Can I use this example in one of my anger management classes? I do a session on conflict resolution/negotiation skills and this would be perfect to highlight how not to resolve a situation that makes you angry!

purplemunkey · 03/04/2009 16:16

Don't be upset by her immature insult of your son. That was obviously the most intelligent thing she could think of to say - what an idiot.

I understand that she's annoyed at the kids (not just yours) using her garden but as its the first time she actually said anything to you she should have had a bit of control over herself. YANBU.

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 16:20

She's not annoyed at the kids for using her garden, she's annoyed because one of the little thugs swung on her tree, broke it and then laughed at her when she told him off.

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 16:21

She hasn't even been slinging insults.

hertsnessex · 03/04/2009 16:39

her comment was uncalled for - but if is been going on a while then she is prob more than pissed off. i would be.

and yes - she is angry at u - ur his mother - surely he would know that sort of behaviour is wrong?????

2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 03/04/2009 16:53

so it is ok of a 11 year old to go into someone else's garden and cause damage.
the ownoer isn't allowed to be angry just in case he upsets his mum]

AitchTwoOh · 03/04/2009 16:58

he might look a bit like a rat, tbh. boys do go through that very skinny, big-eyed phase at about 11. she might not have been saying it to be insulting. i mean, does he have a round face or a thin one? maybe she just thinks of him as the one who looks like a rat (to distinguish him from his other vandalous friends) and it slipped out. i suspect you are taking it too much to heart. off the top of my head i can think of about three rat-faced boys of that age but it doesn't mean that they're horrible looking as such.

Fairynufff · 03/04/2009 17:19

I worry about the quality of 'anger managment' classes that pavlovthepregnantcat is running if she calls someone a 'rude cow' when they are justifiably angry.

louii · 03/04/2009 17:24

We call the next door neighbours child "spongebob" due to his large square head, must try not to let this slip out when I am next complaining about him climbing on my shed, breaking my fence etc.

2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 03/04/2009 17:25

I won't repeat what we call the shit boy up the road who has caused us untold grief.

AitchTwoOh · 03/04/2009 18:02

lolol at spongebob.

frogwatcher · 03/04/2009 18:10

I reckon she genuinely thinks he looks like a rat and has thought it before, and it came out. Often the truth does in anger. But sticks and stones and all that. It really doesnt matter if she thinks he looks like a rat, a cat, a toad or whatever. As long as you think he looks fine. I dread to think what people think my lot look like but it really wouldnt bother me. And if some kid came in my garden without permission then they would get a lot more than being called a rat!!! Surely you knew what he had been up to. He sounds like he needs a word or two if he is laughing in old peoples faces and damaging trees. Isnt 11 old enough to know better.

londonone · 03/04/2009 19:37

I am with aitch on this one. Quite a lot of skinny boys can be quite rat faced obviously as his mother you are not able to objectively see your child so you prob can't understand what she means. I have taught several children for whom the descriptor rat faced would be accurate it's not that unusual.

Lawks · 03/04/2009 19:45

I would be far more upset that my 11-year-old thought it was okay to break someone's property and laugh when confronted about it. That it the bit that would have me sitting with my head in my hands this evening.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/04/2009 19:48

It as a really horrible thing to say, but your 11yo was behaving really badly. And you are making excuses for him with the "her garden is badly kept" argument, even if you say you aren't. I'd be upset too, so that isn't unreasonable, but I'd be vastly more upset to be told that my son had been so rude.

DandyLioness · 03/04/2009 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pointydog · 03/04/2009 20:04

I suspect the woman was mad with anger. Not only had her tree been spoiled, your son laughed at her when she showed she was upset.

I'd make my son apologise and then make sure he stayed well away so that she never had an excuse to be rude again.

Lawks · 03/04/2009 20:05

Just to reiterate, "she seemed to blame me fully" - that is because you are FULLY responsible for your 11-yr-old's behaviour.

OrmIrian · 03/04/2009 20:19

Why is everyone saying it's OK for an adult to be rude and unpleasant when they are very angry. Surely it isn't? What if something trivial made you angry, what if you reacted like this to someone failing to hold a door for you, or cutting you up on a roundabout? This is exactly the kind of thing that has made our society as less pleasant place to be in.

Children have always had a tendency to be naughty and rude occasionally, but what matters is that they are taught to behave better (and beleive me if my DS had done this he's soon learn the error of his ways!). What has changed is the intolerance of people generally. Being rude and aggressive in response is simply not a good way to get the outcome you want - in fact it's a very good way to start a neighbourhood feud.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/04/2009 20:24

I don't think anyone's said it's OK. I said it was really horrible. But I would honestly be more concerned about my child's behaviour. I honestly don't think people are more intolerant of this kind of behaviour ow than they used to be. He laughed at her when she told him off for damaging her tree. And he is 11.

TheFallenMadonna · 03/04/2009 20:24

Honestly

pointydog · 03/04/2009 20:25

I don't think it is ok to be rude, orm.

However, the boy spoiled a tree and then laughed when the owner was upset. That should be dealt with first and the child should be brought into line.

Then the op should act maturely and just have nothing more to do with the neighbour who was rude (under a lot of provocation).

Sheeta · 03/04/2009 20:26

WOW...

I think I might actually have hit her.. (or at least swung the door back in her face)

yikes

janeite · 03/04/2009 20:26

I agree with the Fallen madonna - people aren't saying she was right to be rude about the child but that she was probably furious, especially since the OP desn't seem to think that her son's behaviour is her responsibility.

pointydog · 03/04/2009 20:28

far more worrying are the people who feel such rage at the neighbour (with no comment about the boy) who suggest they would physically assault her in some way