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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my neighbour?

145 replies

anonupset · 02/04/2009 20:00

Earlier on there was banging on the front door. I went to answer it and a woman from across the road is stood there looking livid. She said "Could you have a word with your son and tell him to keep out of my garden, I'm sick of it, look what he's done to my tree". I looked across and one of her conifer trees is bent right over, turns out he'd been swinging in it.

I had NO IDEA that he was doing this but she seemed to blame me fully. I apologised and said I would punish him but as I have two sons of similar ages which play out, could she tell me which one it was.

She snapped "I don't know their names! the darker one, the one that looks like a rat"

A lump came in my throat as she said it and I felt my eyes water. I know I'm such a wimp and she was livid and probably didn't mean it but it has really upset me I understand why she was angry but AIBU to think this was uncalled for?

OP posts:
SoupDreggon · 02/04/2009 20:58

No, not when that "beloved offspring" had destroyed my property and found it funny.

screamingabdab · 02/04/2009 21:00

That was a nasty thing to say, but she was justified in feeling angry (NOT justified to say that).

I think your son is old enough to go and apologise to her himself, and the fact that he laughed in her face is a bit worrying imho (I have 2 boys and I would make them go over and apologise)

Thunderduck · 02/04/2009 21:06

If he laughed at her when she told him off I'd march him over there and make him apologise.

captainpeacock · 02/04/2009 21:10

She shouldn't have brought personal insults into it but she may have been at the end of her tether if she had already spoken to your ds and he had laughed in her face. It is very hard for an adult to be treated in this way by a child and it no doubt caused her to make the uncalled for comment.

MIAeatingeggs · 02/04/2009 21:12

I can understand her anger, but not her reaction to you personally. If she had had continuous hassle and had repeatedly told you, with no change, then perhaps her reaction would be more reasonable , but if this is the first time she has brought it your attention then she is being unreasonable.

I would take the moral high ground and ask your son to apologise to her, as what he did was totally unacceptable, that way you are not stooping to her level.

janeite · 02/04/2009 21:15

I am surprised that you are shocked that she blamed you for your son's behaviour tbh. If you allow him to play out, you should know what he is doing. If he can't behave, he shouldn't be out and that is your responsibility.

Doesn't excuse her saying he looks like a rat but she was probably very frustrated.

steviesgirl · 03/04/2009 02:20

YABU to an extent. Someone shouldn't have to put up with one of your kids going into their garden. He was trespassing. She had every right to blame you. You should be seeing what your kids are up to and telling them off accordingly. Not only was he trespassing but he also damaged her tree.

Okay, telling you your son looks like a rat must of hurt, but she was a very angry woman at that moment in time. She probably said it without really thinking as she was so pissed about it, and I really don't blame her.

You can't let your kids run haywire and then expect people not to be pissed off by their behaviour.

savoycabbage · 03/04/2009 02:39

She probably wanted to say something horrible to you as she was so pissed off. She shouldn't have said it but I can see why she did, in her fury. I can totally see myself saying 'the fat one' or 'the one with the squint' in this situation as I would have wanted to piss you off! I would have totally regretted it later though.

I would find out the cost of a replacement tree and then make your ds work or pay for it out of his pocket money, if he gets any. He must have known what he was doing was wrong. He really needs to know that.

Melfish · 03/04/2009 13:24

Does she live alone? She might be intimidated by the behaviour of him and his friends. It is sad today that people (myself includedon occasion) find groups of youngsters intimidating, but lots of them have little regard for other people's property and when you challenge them they just swear at you. What can be regarded as cheeky and boisterous behaviour in an 11 year old in a couple of years can take on a totally different aspect when they are fully fledged teenagers.

As for calling him a rat there was no need, but as other posters have said, she was probably narked. Although as they get older they usually get called far worse things!

JemL · 03/04/2009 13:30

The OP had apologised and said that her son would be punished - I could understand the woman flying off the handle and being spiteful if she had gone to complain and got a defensive reaction (or the door shut in her face...some parents won't accept their DC's have done anything wrong ) but that hadn't happened, so it was even more uncalled for.

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby · 03/04/2009 13:31

Are you sure she didn't say brat? My DSs teacher has that sort of posh lisp that would make brat sound like rat (think Carol Thatcher).

willowthewispa · 03/04/2009 13:37

She was very rude, but your son has also behaved appallingly.

EasterBunnysWizzskas · 03/04/2009 14:29

Go over, offer to pay for the tree. Get a sorry card signed from both your children and say seeing as neither of my boys look like a rat, I was unable to find the culprit so they are both apologising. Make her squirm with your sarcasm niceness.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/04/2009 14:44

This reply has been deleted

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SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 15:08

Does he look like this?

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/04/2009 15:10

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Grammaticus · 03/04/2009 15:13

I can see why you are upset. But really, I think you have to take it on the chin. It is hurtful, yes. But your son is in the wrong and needs to be dealt with. The neighbour didn't phrase what she said well - but she shouldn't have had to say it at all, should she?

poppy34 · 03/04/2009 15:14

am with soup and shineon here - I know its upsetting for you but your son has behaved appallingly and as others have said she was possibly as upset as she was intimidated. And however untidy it is, its her garden and your ds shouldn't be in it without permission.

and rat is far more polite than I would be in the circumstances .

nickschick · 03/04/2009 15:18

I would have said 'there is no child here that looks like a rat you are obviously at the wrong house'.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 03/04/2009 15:21

YANBU to be hurt by her description, not at all, but i imagine she was incandescent with rage

it is your responsibility to know where he is and where he is playing, surely if he is old enough to play outside unsupervised , he is old enough to know that you don't trespass and you don't damage other people's property and you show respect to other adults

he needs a big talking to

would you have felt the same if she had referred to him as a brat or a little sod? was it more that it was reference to his appearance?

OrmIrian · 03/04/2009 15:39

Nasty woman!

Yes she was understandably angry but that is the attitude that justifies road rage.

She should have accepted that you were going to deal with it and left it at that. Unless she had any reason not to trust you and you have not indicated that. Gone home and kicked something if she was still cross.

Your DS behaved badly but you are going to punish him. She behaved badly but no-one is going to punish her. Which is why adults are supposed to behave with more self-control and consideration to others than children.

2shoestrodonalltheeggs · 03/04/2009 15:56

yabu
the poor woman told your son of and he lol at her.
I can assume she probally has had her fill with trying to be nice.
your son should not have been in her garden and you are lucky she came to see you rather than calling the police.
(can you tell I have had 2 years of other peoples darlings causing us greif)

SoupDreggon · 03/04/2009 16:03

FGS she said he looked like a rat, she didn't drive a JCB through the OP's front garden. She didn't even call him a rat.

Madmentalbint · 03/04/2009 16:06

YANBU

It was unkind and uncalled for. I can understand that she was upset, angry and frustrated, but her behaviour was out of order and she lost all moral high ground when she started slinging insults.

She should have come to see you before things got so out of order.

louii · 03/04/2009 16:08

But does he look like a rat, can't decide if you are being unreasonable or not till you post a pic.