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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that the teacher snapped at my DS

103 replies

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 15:20

DS loves ICT and has been partnered with a child who has aspergers. They have to share because there aren't enough computers. The child is obsessive about the equipment and my DS is basically allowed to type for him and then he gets upset if my son so much as clicks his finger on the mouse. My son (who is regarded as kind and patient) gets so frustrated because they never finish the tasks and the aspergers boy doesn't want my son's help or to listen to him.

Last week my son basically gave up. Sighed and turned to the side. The teacher told him off for "not helping" the other boy.

AIBU to be annoyed at the teacher?

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 28/03/2009 15:24

Does the teacher know what's going on here? How old are the boys?

Mamii · 28/03/2009 15:24

I'd be angry and I'd have a word with the teacher.

This responsibility isn't right for a young child. He shouldn't be partnered up with this child every time.

Would test anyones patience wouldn't it?

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 15:34

They are 8. He's with him every ICT lesson and yes Mamii - I agree, even I, as a reasonably polite adult might have reacted in the same way under the same circumstances that's why I'm annoyed. I've asked my son to talk me through the whole thing several times to see where he might be at fault but he has a history of being very honest about what happens in a classroom so I believe him.

If inclusion is all about equality then the asperger's boy should've been equally told off for not co-operating.

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 28/03/2009 15:35

He shouldn't be paired up with the same child every ICT lesson surely? Definately explain your concerns to the teacher - it is amiss that she hasn't noticed tbh...

londonone · 28/03/2009 15:41

Children of that age are a complete nightmare when it comes to sharing computer equipment. The fact the other child has aspergers is irrelevant IMO as most children seem to be unable to share ICT facilities. I doubt he was given a harder time than anyone else in the class.

Inclusion is not all about equality fairy, or should I tell off a hearing impaired child if they don't follow spoken instructions as well as others?

I have no doubt your child believes he is telling the truth but primary age children are generally not very good at reporting events accurately. Ask the teacher what happened? No harm in asking if he can switch ICT partners.

donnie · 28/03/2009 15:42

well I don't think telling off the 'asperger's boy' would be appropriate or useful. I do agree that it would be better if different kids were paired up with everyone to achieve some sort of balance.

spicemonster · 28/03/2009 15:44

I can't even begin to sympathise with anyone who refers to a child as 'the aspergers boy'. That's vile

donnie · 28/03/2009 15:48

agree spice..which is the reason for my quotation marks.

Mamii · 28/03/2009 15:50

Surely inclusion means that they're treated the same as every other child?

Using a deaf or blind child isn't really a fair comparison is it?

I'm no expert - not by a long shot. I find it difficult to deal with people who have these kind of issues. Why on earth is it expected that an 8 year old boy should deal with this day in day out and be expected to be "Mother flipping Theresa" ??

I don't get it?

We're not all equipt to deal with these situations.

Donk · 28/03/2009 15:54

Inclusion is not supposed to mean that young people with special needs are treated the same as everyone else - its supposed to mean that their needs are met within a mainstream setting.

One of the problems is that this often costs money - for training staff (teachers and others), for extra support staff, for special equipment...

spicemonster · 28/03/2009 15:54

No, that isn't what inclusion means Mamii. It means giving children who need additional help the support they need to be able to participate as fully as they can. If the OP thinks the policy isn't working in her DS's school and is undermining her child's learning, then she should have a word with the teacher. Not post snide threads complaining about 'the aspergers boy'.

londonone · 28/03/2009 15:54

Mamii - No that is not what inclusion means and using a deaf or blind child is a perfect example! Your idea that a child with aspergers is "people who have these kind of issues" rather distasteful. Children actually are usually brilliant at involving children who have differences or difficulties, it's adults like you who have have the predjudices and issues.

janeite · 28/03/2009 15:58

Referring to him as 'the asperger's boy' is horrible.

However, it sounds to me like your son is being used as a free form of Teaching Assistant in the classroom and it's unfair for him to be expected to do this patiently every lesson

Mamii · 28/03/2009 16:01

So, if it's recognised that there is an importance of inclusion (which I agree with whole-heartedly - this has benefited my own neice) There is recognition that with the correct training and investment it is beneficial to "special needs" children.

Isn't the point still that an 8 year old boy (no matter how good natured) shouldn't be told off for sighing because he's finding the situation hard to deal with?

The partnering for these lessons should be rotated surely? I get the feeling that's all that fairynuff was explaining....

Isn't it?

I just know from experience that I personally find it hard to deal with. I found my own neice very frustrating. (Yes, 100% my problem not hers) Luckily, I had discussions with my lovely sister and she understood that not everybody can cope in a way that would be perseved to be "ideal"

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:07

I said the 'asperger's boy' not out of disrespect because obviously in real life I would use his name and it just seemed a way to quickly identify who I was talking about whilst typing my thread quickly. We have also had him round to play at our house to see if that might help issues. His mother was reluctant because of his problems but I bent over backwards to accomodate her and her son.

londonone - my child has often reported events that I assumed were biased or skewed and he was vindicated by teachers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:12

Also londonone - I would challenge the idea that "Children actually are usually brilliant at involving children who have differences or difficulties, it's adults like you who have have the predjudices and issues." According to my son, none of the kids want to be partnered with this lad. And at the end of the day, my child is there to get an education for himself not others.

OP posts:
RustyBear · 28/03/2009 16:18

"If inclusion is all about equality then the asperger's boy should've been equally told off for not co-operating."

Inclusion isn't about treating everyone exactly the same, it's about treating them in a way which enables each child to take part in a class and receive the education he's entitled to, whether or not they have an ASD.(not an 'Aspergers boy')

Telling off an 8 year old with an ASD for not co-operating would frequently (not always, it depends on their particular difficulties) be pointless - why do you think the comparison with a deaf or blind child is not a fair one? Co-operation requires seeing someone else's point of view, something many (again, not all) children with an ASD simply cannot do.

And as an IT support manager in a school with a resource for children with an ASD, I can tell you that it's by no means only the children from the resource who have trouble sharing the equipment.

I would suggest that you talk to the teacher and tell him/her that your DS is not happy always being paired with this particular boy - if neither he nor you has said anything before, s/he may not be aware of any problems and be continuing the arrangement because children with an ASD often find change difficult to cope with.

Is there a TA in the class - if so, perhaps they could keep an eye on the situation?

cornsilk · 28/03/2009 16:22

How sad that none of the children want to be partnered with this boy.What a horrible thread.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:23

RustyBear - I feel would feel very pissed off if my son had to continue in a situation like this every week just because "children with an ASD often find change difficult to cope with." So my son is supposed to 'cope' with the frustration of managing challenging behaviour and the demoralisation of not finishing tasks (that he would otherwise finish easily)? Where is the fairness in that?

OP posts:
spicemonster · 28/03/2009 16:24

I agree with everything RustyBear has just said. I used to think my sister was wrong to keep her DS's ASD quiet but the more threads I read on MN like this, the more I realise how right she is.

spicemonster · 28/03/2009 16:25

Well if you feel like that Fairynuff, talk to the bloody teacher! Don't whinge about it on here. FGS - you're a grown woman aren't you? And your lack of compassion is disgraceful

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:26

cornsilk - I am amazed that you are so surprised by that. There are a lot of confident bright boys in this class. The boy with aspergers displays behaviour that is immature, overly emotional, obsessive, repetitive etc. Why would you expect a bunch of 8 year boys to be empathetic to that?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 28/03/2009 16:27

Yes I would fairynuff. You should be encouraging it.

Heated · 28/03/2009 16:28

Fairynuff, it would be worth establishing with the ICT teacher how long your ds is going to be partnered with the other boy - for instance, if it's 'til the end of the mini-project/term then that's something your ds could understand.

Ideally paired work should be of short duration and longer projects done in larger groups. It's not only for the two boys in mind that this should be done, it's good for them all to work with others.

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 16:29

No, I didn't say that - I said that if your DS hasn't mentioned he has a problem before, the teacher might see no reason to change - we have several 'pairs' at school where an NT child enjoys helping a child from the resource, and they both benefit from it. But it can require careful handling to ensure the child who is helping is not disadvantaged by the relationship, which is why I suggested that you should raise your concerns with the teacher.