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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that the teacher snapped at my DS

103 replies

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 15:20

DS loves ICT and has been partnered with a child who has aspergers. They have to share because there aren't enough computers. The child is obsessive about the equipment and my DS is basically allowed to type for him and then he gets upset if my son so much as clicks his finger on the mouse. My son (who is regarded as kind and patient) gets so frustrated because they never finish the tasks and the aspergers boy doesn't want my son's help or to listen to him.

Last week my son basically gave up. Sighed and turned to the side. The teacher told him off for "not helping" the other boy.

AIBU to be annoyed at the teacher?

OP posts:

Kimi · 28/03/2009 16:29

I think you need to speak with the teacher as your son is going to be missing out on learning id the other little boy will not share. Does the little boy have an LSA?

It is very hard to deal with a child like this the obsession thing is difficult, I really think you need to have a chat with the teacher and see if your son can pair with someone else, although I think the other little boy will find it a lot harder to have a different partner every time as consistency is all important toa child with AS

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:29

I will see the teacher. I just posted here because I wanted to gauge if I was over reacting. I do have compassion for him (hence the reason I invited him round to tea - as none of the other kids befriend him) but I obviously feel for my son being told off unfairly. Simple as.

OP posts:

Mamii · 28/03/2009 16:31

I think that a comparison to a deaf or blind child doesn't seem appropriate as my sister is deaf and lip reads. She has been deaf since being very young. She's not profoundly deaf (as one of her friends was - and her friend did go to a special school)

MN is all about giving your opinion based on your own experience isn't it?

As I've stated, I'm not an expert. If I were in the same situation as fairynuff - I wouldn't be happy with the teachers handling of the situation either.

This seems to have turned into a weird kind of "your vile 'cos you don't understand" thing and that's not really on.

I've learned one thing that's very important from this thread. My DD starts school in September - I shall certainly "educate" myself if there are any "special needs" children in her class. So that I can understand any special requirements myself & also try to help my DD understand too. I'd never even considered it before. I guess you don't unless you've been there yourself do you?

Thanks for all your opinions, they've been helpful even if a little "aggresive".

... still totally understand where fairynuff is coming from though.

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:31

Cornsilk - I have encouraged my children to be like that since they were born. Hence the reason my son has been singled out as having the qualities to be partnered with this boy in the first place.

OP posts:

alexpolismum · 28/03/2009 16:32

spicemonster - I don't feel that the OP has displayed a disgraceful lack of compassion - she says she has bent over backwards to accomodate the boy. Her son is only 8 years old! Why should he be expected to cope uncomplainingly every week? My nephew is 8 years old and has no patience whatsoever, I am sure he would get exasperated too. It has nothing to do with a lack of compassion, they're only young children.

cornsilk · 28/03/2009 16:33

Okay fairynufff - I see what you're saying now.

examtaxi · 28/03/2009 16:39

This is a difficult situation, and I do think it is up to the adults, and the teacher in particular, to handle it with sensitivity and awareness of the needs of both the boys.

Unfortunately, it seems that the necessary funding and support are not available, resulting in inadequate support and supervision.

To give a slightly different example - dd was in a class of 30, with 10 children with various learning difficulties - some quite major.

Dd being bright, but well behaved, was partnered with a little girl with very challenging behaviour, for every paired activity for a whole half term. Dd found it extremely stressful, mainly because she was made to feel responsible (by the teacher) when tasks were not completed, or not done correctly. She did her best to support the child, but at the age of 8, she wasn't equipped to do so effectively. She became extremely anxious.

Not her fault, or the other little girl's fault, but the fault of the system I think.

2shoes · 28/03/2009 16:41

another thread that shows me why dd will never go to ms
"aspergers boy"
change it to black boy and the op would be flamed

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 16:44

Actually 8 year olds are capable of a surprising amount of compassion - I see it every day at work.

And I'm not saying he should be expected to cope uncomplainingly, I'm saying the teacher should be made aware of the situation.

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 16:45

Having worked in schools examtaxi, this happens a lot. 'Partnering' is the way that a lot of teachers plan their lessons to differentiate for kids with special needs. It can work in theory if you get a child who is receptive to being helped by a more able child. It has to be best fit for both children and what are the odds of this happening sucessfully every time?

OP posts:

spicemonster · 28/03/2009 17:06

I understand fairynuff's frustration but I dislike the term 'the aspergers boy'.

alexispolis - I don't quite see what the OP has done that could be considered 'bending over backwards'. Although it seems she has taught her DS to be kind to children who don't find life as easy.

Inclusion does sometimes mean that we don't get to go at the speed we would like and sometimes have to wait for others to catch up. It's something we all have to learn in life. And the teacher should be encouraging the class to realise that. I don't think it's a great idea to partner the same children week after week - regardless of their having SN or otherwise. And I think the OP should speak to them.

I do realise that some children with ASD would try the patience of a saint. But referring to a child with ASD as 'the aspergers boy' is not likely to elicit sympathy from those of us who might be in a position to be able to be provide personal experience that you might find useful.

onagar · 28/03/2009 17:44

Fairynuff called him "the aspergers boy" but she couldn't very well say his name could she. In her description the aspergers part was essential to the point she was making.

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 17:50

In fairness spicemonster although I have bent over backwards for this boy and his family(the details are too longwinded to go into) I haven't actually taught my DS to be 'kind to children who don't find life as easy'. I teach my children to respect and be kind to people. That's it. Not special clauses. No pre-requisite age. Just people. All people. Human beings.

I'm as confused as he is about what behaviour you are meant to tolerate. If this child snatches a keyboard out of his hands he is supposed to accept it graciously but since toddler group he has been taught that 'snatching things off other people is wrong'.

IME children don't cope with mixed messages and rules that only apply to some people and not everyone.

OP posts:

2shoes · 28/03/2009 17:51

BOY WITH ASPERGERS
only one extra word not hard

vjg13 · 28/03/2009 17:55

I disagree Fairynuff, I think it is really important to help children understand that some people do have different rules and need a bit more help with things.

My daughter is 5 and understands this as she has a sibling with additional needs.

ipanemagirl · 28/03/2009 17:56

well they shouldn't be paired to the point that it has a destructive effect on your ds, discuss with teacher or go to head. This boy should be paired with different people or have a computer to himself I guess.

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 17:58

Yes - I should've said "boy with aspergers" not "aspergers boy" and I appreciate the different emphasis. I was typing quickly and it was a mistake. Can I just emphasise that even though I made the crime of typing "aspergers boy" I am the only mother in the school who has had him round to tea.

This gets off the point of the teacher and my son.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 28/03/2009 17:58

I would just have a quiet word with the teacher so that they are aware of the problem and can find a way around it.

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:01

vjg13 - a little unfair. Your daughter has learned this by everyday experience and through a natural bond with a sibling. My son has been put in this situation because (when we discussed it at parents evening) the teacher thought he was kind and patient. As an 8 year old boy who knows he is at school to learn, his natural kindess and patience will only take so much.

OP posts:

FAQinglovely · 28/03/2009 18:05

I've read the OP and the thread, and I can't comment as I also can't get past the "aspergers boy"

FAQinglovely · 28/03/2009 18:10

2Shoes - tbh given that these children are 8 and even NT children often have a distinct inability to share the computer (or any other for that matter) equipment I'm not sure entirely how relevant the reference to aspergers is anyhow >

Lots of NT children will be "told off" for not helping their NT partner in lessons too. Kind of like in The Apprentice it usually not about one person taking control but working together to get the job done. If one of the pair can't do the job for whatever reason and the other one gives up because of it it'll be the quitter who Sir Alan has a go at

Original poster

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:12

FAQ - I thought you couldn't comment...

OP posts:

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 18:13

Putting the unfortunate wording of the op aside, I can't believe that some teachers do this pairing business on a weekly basis to tick their inclusion boxes . HArdly imaginative.

I would have thought it made more sense if the other child had a computer to himself and another group worked in a three.

WHen you say told off - it is impossible to comment as it's one of those you had to have been there situations to know exactly what it entailed. QUite frankly I would let it go - it wont be the first time he gets told off unfairly nor the last.

FAQinglovely · 28/03/2009 18:13

oh fgs - like I'm the first person on MN to say "not going to comment" or "leaving the thread now" only to change their mind and comment anyhow

2shoes · 28/03/2009 18:15

FAQinglovely my comment is aimed to the op not her ds, he no doubt calld the boy by his name, I can't imagine he called him asbergers boy.

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