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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that the teacher snapped at my DS

103 replies

Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 15:20

DS loves ICT and has been partnered with a child who has aspergers. They have to share because there aren't enough computers. The child is obsessive about the equipment and my DS is basically allowed to type for him and then he gets upset if my son so much as clicks his finger on the mouse. My son (who is regarded as kind and patient) gets so frustrated because they never finish the tasks and the aspergers boy doesn't want my son's help or to listen to him.

Last week my son basically gave up. Sighed and turned to the side. The teacher told him off for "not helping" the other boy.

AIBU to be annoyed at the teacher?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 28/03/2009 18:19

I think Fairynufff is getting a hard time just because she didn't phrase it very well at the start. Her DS is obviously a kind, caring boy and has been doing his best to be supportive but is getting frustrated. I would have thought that there should have been give and take on both sides and a DC with special needs should be gently encouraged to do some giving as well as taking. I would have a quiet word with the teacher so that they can intervene and make it fair to both.

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 18:19

But it is possible for children, even those as young as your DS to realise that some children have different needs and to accept that there are different rules - as your DS has obviously been doing up till now. If it's now become too much for him to do, then it's not his fault, but the school needs to be told so they can help.

I don't see why you shouldn't say that your DS was upset that a momentary loss of patience was treated in what he feels was a harsh manner, but not to suggest that the other child should have been punished too - that's really for the school to say.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:21

I wouldn't say Sir Alan Sugar is a great role model for this situation but in the Apprentice they are tasked as equals. My son has been told to 'help' the-boy-WITH-aspergers and is ultimately judged on that without any responsibility falling onto the other boy for co-operating, sharing, listening etc.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 28/03/2009 18:22

Just to add that it would be really difficult for the boy with Asperger's to change partners every week. He needs continuity and not constant changes in routine. He also needs to be taught how to share, using clear guidelines and rules. Obsessiveness is unfortunately par for the course.

I would suggest the teacher uses something like a timer with a buzzer, and splits the time equally. When the buzzer goes off its time to swap. Maybe this could be done for the entire class, and not just for your son and this boy.

And FWIW, and as someone WITH Asperger's, I think its a little unfair for the teacher to tell your son off (also that its nice that this boy has been round your's to play).

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 18:24

Fairynuff - your boy has clearly been chosen as he is a "nice kid" and it's meant to make it easy for the teacher - which is wrong. It sounds like your son has been great and of course had an off moment.
However, it is pointless telling the other child off too as it sounds like he is in a similar situation and being expected to do something he cannot hence my suggestion he has a computer to himself.

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 18:24

timer sounds a fab idea

Mamii · 28/03/2009 18:25

I really don't agree that because someone (whether it's a child or not) has special needs that it then become's everyone elses problem that they have to deal with and understand. Especially another child...

My sister is deaf and lip reads - she say's some people she finds it impossible to lip read as they "bob their heads around as they talk" - she's a beautiful person in everyway and she understand's that just life. She deals with it and doesn't pass it on.

My daughter has an anaphylactic food allergy. We as a family deal with it. Even my 2.6 yr old DS understands it to a certain degree (he has to). We certainly don't get pissed off with other people because they don't know - or understand and say... Hey, everyone should be educated on every special need "just in case" so that we're fully prepared to support their needs and be sympathetic to them and god help them if they're not.

That's just ridiculous to think like that.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:25

RustyBear - I wouldn't expect the school to punish the other lad - just not to give my kid a hard time when he's the one put in the challenging situation.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 28/03/2009 18:28

I disagree. How is accepting people with all their differences, special needs (hate the word special) etc a problem???

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:29

Thank you Mamii - as far as I know this child hasn't been diagnosed with aspergers but his mother told me that the PsychEd suspected it. Along with dispraxia possibly. Unless you have extensive experience with these issues, how are you supposed to know what the appropriate PC response is? Especially if you are an 8 year old boy, conscious of not being in trouble with your teacher and no experience, at all, of anyone with special needs?

OP posts:
Mamii · 28/03/2009 18:30

Timer is an excellent idea... combined with rotation of partners.

Not fair to make Fairynuff son an unwilling partner every IT lesson is it?

Mamii · 28/03/2009 18:34

What expression is suitable?

I really don't want to offend anyone, but if I'm unaware of what's acceptable to everyone - it's gonna happen.

Apologies, not my intention to upset anyone at all. Just to air my opinion and understand.

Hope that makes sense?

MummyCharli · 28/03/2009 18:35

My cousin has asbergers and dyspraxia, and if I am totally honest, I find it nearly impossible to spend time with him, and thats as a 24 year old, let alone an 8 year old! Then again, that is probably because my Auntie (his Mum) lets him get away with anything, and we are never allowed to say anything that may upset him, yet she feels she can constantly criticise my parenting

So anyway, I think you should talk to the teacher as it doesn't sound fair on your son, and untimately could hinder his learning

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:36

hercules1 - it is not as simple as 'differences'. My son sees someone who is "annoying" "acts like a baby" "won't share". He is not aware that this lad has a condition which makes him behave and react in a certain way.

When I worked in schools we had sheets of instructions to be carried out with various pupils. Some needed clear instructions, some one instruction at a time, some needed to work alone, some needed to be talked to in a quiet voice etc etc. How is the average kid supposed to know the appropriate way to behave around each and every child who has unique issues?

OP posts:
RustyBear · 28/03/2009 18:39

But you can't expect the other boy to take responsibility for something that he is not actually capable of doing - co-operating and sharing, as I said before need an appreciation of what other people are doing and thinking - this is difficult for many children with ASD, impossible for some.

'Not listening' is something many children with ASD are accused of - it's unfair, because they are listening - they are listening to the teacher's voice, to the hum of the computers, to the clicking of a dozen mice, to the chatter of children passing in the corridor, the noise of the traffic outside, the buzz of a fluorescent light, the clatter of plates as the cooks get lunch ready in the kitchen - and they can't automatically screen out the noises that don't matter & focus on the one that does, they are lacking that 'filter' which for those that have it acts so automatically that they are not even aware of it.

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 18:40

I work in a school with loads of kids with huge variations of personalities etc - it's not that bad, really.

Your son, as I said was "used", imo wrongly as he is a child who probably would have lasted far longer than a lot of the other kids in the class. It's up to the teacher to differentiate not your son.

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 18:50

fairynuff - sorry for thinking you wanted the other child told off - it must have been your comment "If inclusion is all about equality then the asperger's boy should've been equally told off for not co-operating." that gave me that idea....

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:53

Well if he can't focus his listening, can't co-operate, can't complete tasks, can't really socialise appropriately with his classmates etc. Why then (and I ask this as a sincere question without any facetiousness before you all lynch me) is he in a mainstream school?

OP posts:
vjg13 · 28/03/2009 18:53

This is really all part of a wider problem of inclusion, what people expect from it, what impact it may have on the class and having the necessary funding to give children the correct additional support.

IME as LEAs stop giving statements it is a problem that will get worse.

examtaxi · 28/03/2009 18:55

Because it is cheaper than providing an appropriate environment and an adequate number of trained and qualified teachers?

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 18:57

Because he hasn't been diagnosed?

And because even if he had there is not much specialised provision for children with ASD - for a long time our resource was the only one in the entire country.

cornsilk · 28/03/2009 18:57

Agree with hercules's last post.
It has become clear as the thread has progressed that fairynufff is empathetic to the needs of the child e.g. by inviting him back for tea. Not sure about the teacher/school though if no-one else in the class is prepared to share with him.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 28/03/2009 18:58

I was hypothesising about what equality would be in the telling off situation - I wouldn't want either of them told off. Ideally, I'd be more than happy for my son to work with the other boy if:
a) my son wasn't made to feel like there was a deadline for tasks to be finished (that's what really stresses him out).
b) the other boy was told in no uncertain terms that he should co-operate.
c) the computer time was equal (buzzer a good idea but I'm not about to tell the teacher how to do their job).
d) my son was thanked or appreciated for his role in supporting his friend.

OP posts:
RustyBear · 28/03/2009 18:59

Sorry - my last post should have read 'in the entire county'

hercules1 · 28/03/2009 19:03

Fairynuff - telling the child with aspergers or any other child for that matter they have to cooperate, even if said in no uncertain terms, will not suddenly make a child cooperate.